Can you fill in these blanks, "______s, _______s, _______s, lend me your ears"? I've got like 30 jokes lined up based on it, but suddenly I can't remember how it goes. And what is it from? I'm pretty sure one of the blanks is "Roman ( Read more... )

Great, now illusions have been shattered, the man behind the curtin* is revealed; there's a guy from Chicago I talk to on the phone that I do jobs for and he's always polite because on the phone I'm all charm and I sound professional/like I know what I'm doing (and he doesn't) but he's in New York today and he saw me, stuffy-nosed and bed-headed in ( Read more... )

I feel like I go to great lengths to avoid being in positions where people will take me seriously, but really, is there any danger of that? I might be inadvertently renewing my interest in true crime but it's not my fault--it just happened to me, I'm a victim of circumstance. Did I ask for A Current Affair to come back from the grave (and at a ( Read more... )

these are terrible, but:
Supersoaker
Human
I don't mean Human in a weird minimalist way, like naming your dog "dog" or your car "car". More like in a way when you see a restaurant sign that says "Hunan Cuisine" (or beef) and you're like, "maannn, I wish that said "Human Cuisine" (or beef).

I make little lists all the time; not just here, but on little pieces of tiny paper too. Later I find them in my pockets.

Things to do before leaving internship
1. steal batteries
2. scrape boogers from underside of desk

March 1, 2005-buy new sneakers ( Read more... )

I've been having epic dreams that have been hard to wake up from. Usually around this time of year when the sun is shining all the time and its getting warm I only need 4 hours of sleep a night and I still wake up feeling great. Sleeping too much is a sign of depression, so I was trying to remember if I've been feeling depressed lately but I can' ( Read more... )

I was thinking that I'm not actually interested in things most of the time, just the IDEAS of things, and then I realized that most of the time I'm not even interested in the ideas of things, more like the ideas of the ideas. I know that's confusing, and this example could make things more confusing rather than less confusing, but for example: ( Read more... )

I've lost faith in my internet abilities, just in time for the weekend, when I can retreat to the bosom of real life.

Who would you haunt? I'd haunt someone with cable. Or maybe a dog.

Favorite Beatle: Ringo

I used to tell people that I was haunted by Houdini's ghost because we have the same birthday. I'm not, but I did find out that maybe there were some rumors about Houdini's ghost doing something (but I didn't pay attention because it wasn't haunting me). I'm always bringing this up, but it's only because I'm hoping new ( Read more... )

When is the last time you were "in the zone?"