Measure of a Man by Slybrarian (Role Reversal)
Title: Measure of a Man
Author: slybrarian
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairing: Mentioned: McKay/Sheppard, Sheppard/Lorne, Sheppard/Mitchell, Teyla/Lorne, various others implied
Words: 2,158
Summary: Teyla, Cam, and Evan mind the bridge while their cohorts have fun below decks, and find alternative methods to entertain themselves.
Notes: So, apparently I got bitten by a plot bunny immediately after writing this entry, and this is the result. There's a couple spots where it doesn't quite match the original, so I guess it's an AU of an AU of an episode about AUs. Does your brain hurt yet? Spoilers for "The Daedalus Variations."
Once it became blindingly obvious that the Amazing Interdimensional Bouncing Daedalus was not going to be stopped anytime soon, the various members of the teams stuck aboard it settled in for the long haul. Luckily, with approximately a dozen self-proclaimed "smartest men (women) in two galaxies" aboard, not to mention another dozen or so merely "astoundingly brilliant" people, it took all of thirty minutes after the first McKay's stomach started to rumble for the ship's transporter to be transformed into a food replicator. Even better luck was that Dr. McKay #7 was actually a chemist rather than a physicist and also a world-renowned chef. Good eating was not a problem, to say the least. However, finding something to do was another matter entirely, and those not involved in trying to fix the jump drive quickly found themselves bored out of their minds. It was not long before a few of them hit on the idea of screwing each other silly, and shortly after that almost everyone agreed that this was, for the most part, a very reasonable way to pass the time.
However, a few people aboard were not interested in such activities, mostly because they had partners who were waiting for them back home. In the cases of Colonel Cameron Mitchell and Major Evan Lorne (Version #2, according to his name tag), there was also a certain degree of annoyance involved that stemmed from seeing the head of almost every John Sheppard in the mess simultaneously turn when a pair of McKays walked in. They, along with Star Captain Teyla Emmagen, were now on the bridge, making sure that the ship didn't run into anything and thus prematurely end their journey.
"Jump one-zero-three complete," Evan reported. "Commencing scans. The planet and star are both intact, no ships in orbit... and there's the city. It looks inhabited."
"Thank you, Evan," Teyla said from where she sat in the captain's chair. "Cameron, I believe it is your turn to make contact."
"On it." Cam hit a couple of buttons to bring up the external comms. "Atlantis, this is Colonel Cameron Mitchell aboard the USAF Daedalus. Please respond."
A few minutes passed before the familiar voice of Elizabeth Weir came over the speakers. "Daedalus, this is Atlantis. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, Colonel, but we're all a bit surprised to see you down here."
"Well, we're not actually the Daedalus you're familiar with. This ship has some sort of wacky interdimensional drive, which keeps sending us into other realities at random. We've been through over a hundred so far, and that's just since we came aboard and started counting. It's out of control at the moment, but we've got McKay and a few other working on it."
"That's... interesting," Weir said, her voice tinged with doubt. "Do you require assistance?"
"No, ma'am. We've got things pretty well in hand, and this thing seems to like jumping right after someone comes aboard. In fact, we strongly advise against any jumper or ship approaching too close, as they might be carried along."
Cam had learned that from personal experience. It had also reminded him why an opportunity to 'get out of the city for once' was not necessarily the blessing it seemed on the surface, especially if John Sheppard said it was a great idea.
"I see, Colonel. May I ask who else is up there with you?"
"Well, right here on the bridge are Star Captain Emmagen -"
"Hello, Elizabeth," Teyla said. "It is good to hear your voice."
"- and Major Lorne."
"Afternoon, ma'am." Evan didn't know for sure when it had become normal to speak with the dead - probably shortly after Ford #1 had shown up - but by this point he was almost as much a pro at it as Cam was, despite his head-start on the entire 'absurd number of duplicates' thing. Evan wasn't sure he approved of that new skill, really, because his team was usually the normal one, the one this sort of bullshit didn't happen to. He supposed it was what he got for subbing in for John while he had the flu.
Elizabeth, ever the diplomat even when possibly dealing with evil duplicates or some similar nonsense, politely responded, "Good afternoon, ah, Star Captain, Major."
"We've also got," Cam paused and looked over to Evan, "what's the headcount, Lorne?"
"Including us, we have: eleven John Sheppards, eleven Rodney McKays, twelve Teyla Emmagens, nine Ronon Dexes, two Aiden Fords, three Evan Lornes, two Radek Zelenkas, and one each of Cameron Mitchell and Jonas Quinn." After the one of the early worlds had freaked out, it had been decided that it would be best for everyone involved not to mention Strangely Nice Ba'al.
"I..." Elizabeth paused, and Evan could imagine the puzzled look on her face as she tried to process that. Finally, she said, "That must have taken some effort."
Cam ducked his head and sheepishly admitted, "Well, we never claimed that we don't have a lot more persistence than common sense."
Elizabeth couldn't help but laugh and tension flowed out of her voice. "You said it, not me, colonel. Are you certain there's nothing we can do for you?"
"No, sooner or later the geeks will get it figured out, and we'll just turn this puppy back the way we came. Thanks for the offer, though."
"However, we may be able to assist you," Teyla said. She nodded to Evan, who began working at his console. "We have been compiling information on all the universes we are from or pass through: the locations of friends and foes, zero-point modules, useful scientific data, other things of that nature. Obviously it much of it may not be applicable here, but there may be something of use to you among the rest. We can transmit it in a databurst once you have a secure hard drive ready, and only ask that you share whatever you are comfortable with in return."
"I see." Elizabeth considered it for a few seconds. "All right. Give us a minute to get things set up."
"In the meantime, is Colonel Sheppard around?" Cam asked, glancing over at Evan with a smirk and getting a thumbs-up in return. Teyla shook her head slightly with an amused and tolerant smile. "There's a couple of personal questions we'd like to ask, sort of comparing things across the universes."
"Yes, he is. How did you know he'd be here?"
"It's a constant across pretty much every universe so far, ma'am. If there's an Atlantis, Sheppard's close by."
"And these questions are personal? Nothing strategically important?"
"No, ma'am. The only way this information might be strategic is if we tried to embarass him to death with it."
Elizabeth's tone was wry as she responded, "Well then, by all means, ask away. Chuck, transfer them to a private channel, please."
A moment later the radio clicked, and John hesitantly said, "Uh, hello? Mitchell?"
"Sheppard, buddy, how are you?"
Far less hesitant and far more suspicious this time, John said, "What are you up to, Mitchell?"
"Aww, Shep," Cam drawled, "What makes you think I'm up to something?"
Evan snickered, hurriedly finishing up the data transfer so he could focus on the conversation.
"I've known you for fifteen years, Mitchell," John replied, with no need to explain further than that. "Now, are you going to ask whatever it is you're bugging me about, or can I get on with my life?"
"Are you in a relationship, and if you are, with who?" Cam asked, completely deadpan and matter-of-fact. As John started to sputter, Cam helpfully added, "By relationship, I mean dating, married, fuckbuddies, in love but not admitting it, anything like that."
"What kind of fucking question is that?" John finally managed to say. "I swear to God, I'm going to fly up there and strangle you with my bare hands, Mitchell!"
"Oh, don't be such a baby, Sheppard. It's not as if it's that hard to answer," Cam said. His face was turning red with the effort not to laugh. Evan had no such constraints. "We just gave you a lot of valuable data, the least you could do is let us poor lost souls sate our curiosity."
"I... you..." John shut up and took a deep breath, and Evan wished he could get a picture of his face. Maybe next time they could establish a video link. "Fine. I'm with McKay. We're... well, I guess it's not just screwing around, but I mean, I don't know if it counts as dating. I mean, were were already spending all our time together... wait. You know what? Fuck you guys. You can eat shit and die."
The radio clicked again, and a minute later Elizabeth was back on the line. She sounded faintly amused. "Well, John just stormed off in a huff. Did you get what you needed?"
Cam and Evan were too busy laughing their guts out to answer her, and so Teyla sighed and replied, "It appears they did. Thank you for your... assistance, Elizabeth. I believe we are about to jump again, so I wish you farewell."
"Good luck."
Moments later the ship flashed into the next universe, and after making sure there was nothing on the sensors Evan grabbed his tablet and made a few tally marks in the appropriate spaces on the statistics program he had running.
"And that pushes McKay back over the fifty percent mark," he told the other two after a moment, turning the screen so they could see the convenient pie chart it displayed, "leaving Teyla still in second and Ronon trailing a distant third."
"I still do not see what the two of you find so entertaining about embarrassing John so," Teyla said, keeping a straight face but failing to fully suppressed the amused look in her eyes.
"Oh, we're not doing it to embarrass him," Evan hastily said.
"Well, not just to embarrass him," Cam corrected. "We may be feeling a bit peeved about his role in getting us stuck on this ship."
"But really, it's just curiosity in the end. Really. Comparing how people fit together in other universes. We've already asked our counterparts here about ourselves, and John's just the most convenient person to study."
Evan had talked with his own duplicates shortly after they'd arrived, acting on genuine curiosity at the time. Lorne #1 was happily single, Lorne #3 was with Radek, and while he wasn't aboard Daedalus the Star Captain's husband was data point #4. Thus far Cam had almost no other points of comparison, as they'd only run across a few other universes where he was a member of the expedition.
"And yet you never seem to ask about anyone else," Teyla pointed out. "Myself, for example."
"Well, you're a lot scarier than he is," Cam said with a grin.
"As is Rodney?"
"Okay, there's also another reason." Evan held up his tablet again, this time displaying the raw numbers and percentages. "See us there at the bottom? So far, he's the only Cam Mitchell and I'm the only Evan Lorne in a stable,permanent relationship with John. We're even outnumbered by the celibate Johns, and that has to tell you something."
"What is that?" Teyla said.
"That we kick ass," Cam told her.
Evan nodded in agreement. "Exactly. We're awesome."
"Possibly the best damn Cam Mitchell and Evan Lorne in the local multiverse, in fact."
Teyla raised an eyebrow and slowly said, "You are basing that assessment solely on the fact that you're sleeping with John."
"It's not so much the sleeping with him part as what that indicates," Evan explained. "It means that, of all the other versions of us, we're the ones who have so much intelligence, bravery, loyalty, compassion-"
"Sexual prowess," Cam put in.
"Yeah, I was getting to that. Anyways, we're the ones with all the qualities John desires, and in enough quantity to draw him away from Rodney or another teammate." Evan shrugged, spread his hands, and gave Teyla a dazzling smile. "I suppose we might be biased in thinking that's the best measure of a man, but I think you'll agree it's a pretty good one by any objective standard."
"Perhaps you have a point," Teyla said. After a few moment's contemplation, she went on, "There may be an alternative explanation, however."
"What's that?"
"Perhaps in your universes, all of John's other choices were already taken and thus he was left with no option but, as your people say, to 'love the one you're with'."
The two men stared with wide eyes at her for a few long, silent seconds. Then Evan dramatically clasped his hand to his heart and moaned, "Oh, you wound me."
Cam chuckled. "There goes the last of my self-esteem."
Teyla simply smirked and sat back in the captain's chair with an air of smug amusement as the ship jumped ahead once more.
Author: slybrarian
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairing: Mentioned: McKay/Sheppard, Sheppard/Lorne, Sheppard/Mitchell, Teyla/Lorne, various others implied
Words: 2,158
Summary: Teyla, Cam, and Evan mind the bridge while their cohorts have fun below decks, and find alternative methods to entertain themselves.
Notes: So, apparently I got bitten by a plot bunny immediately after writing this entry, and this is the result. There's a couple spots where it doesn't quite match the original, so I guess it's an AU of an AU of an episode about AUs. Does your brain hurt yet? Spoilers for "The Daedalus Variations."
Once it became blindingly obvious that the Amazing Interdimensional Bouncing Daedalus was not going to be stopped anytime soon, the various members of the teams stuck aboard it settled in for the long haul. Luckily, with approximately a dozen self-proclaimed "smartest men (women) in two galaxies" aboard, not to mention another dozen or so merely "astoundingly brilliant" people, it took all of thirty minutes after the first McKay's stomach started to rumble for the ship's transporter to be transformed into a food replicator. Even better luck was that Dr. McKay #7 was actually a chemist rather than a physicist and also a world-renowned chef. Good eating was not a problem, to say the least. However, finding something to do was another matter entirely, and those not involved in trying to fix the jump drive quickly found themselves bored out of their minds. It was not long before a few of them hit on the idea of screwing each other silly, and shortly after that almost everyone agreed that this was, for the most part, a very reasonable way to pass the time.
However, a few people aboard were not interested in such activities, mostly because they had partners who were waiting for them back home. In the cases of Colonel Cameron Mitchell and Major Evan Lorne (Version #2, according to his name tag), there was also a certain degree of annoyance involved that stemmed from seeing the head of almost every John Sheppard in the mess simultaneously turn when a pair of McKays walked in. They, along with Star Captain Teyla Emmagen, were now on the bridge, making sure that the ship didn't run into anything and thus prematurely end their journey.
"Jump one-zero-three complete," Evan reported. "Commencing scans. The planet and star are both intact, no ships in orbit... and there's the city. It looks inhabited."
"Thank you, Evan," Teyla said from where she sat in the captain's chair. "Cameron, I believe it is your turn to make contact."
"On it." Cam hit a couple of buttons to bring up the external comms. "Atlantis, this is Colonel Cameron Mitchell aboard the USAF Daedalus. Please respond."
A few minutes passed before the familiar voice of Elizabeth Weir came over the speakers. "Daedalus, this is Atlantis. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, Colonel, but we're all a bit surprised to see you down here."
"Well, we're not actually the Daedalus you're familiar with. This ship has some sort of wacky interdimensional drive, which keeps sending us into other realities at random. We've been through over a hundred so far, and that's just since we came aboard and started counting. It's out of control at the moment, but we've got McKay and a few other working on it."
"That's... interesting," Weir said, her voice tinged with doubt. "Do you require assistance?"
"No, ma'am. We've got things pretty well in hand, and this thing seems to like jumping right after someone comes aboard. In fact, we strongly advise against any jumper or ship approaching too close, as they might be carried along."
Cam had learned that from personal experience. It had also reminded him why an opportunity to 'get out of the city for once' was not necessarily the blessing it seemed on the surface, especially if John Sheppard said it was a great idea.
"I see, Colonel. May I ask who else is up there with you?"
"Well, right here on the bridge are Star Captain Emmagen -"
"Hello, Elizabeth," Teyla said. "It is good to hear your voice."
"- and Major Lorne."
"Afternoon, ma'am." Evan didn't know for sure when it had become normal to speak with the dead - probably shortly after Ford #1 had shown up - but by this point he was almost as much a pro at it as Cam was, despite his head-start on the entire 'absurd number of duplicates' thing. Evan wasn't sure he approved of that new skill, really, because his team was usually the normal one, the one this sort of bullshit didn't happen to. He supposed it was what he got for subbing in for John while he had the flu.
Elizabeth, ever the diplomat even when possibly dealing with evil duplicates or some similar nonsense, politely responded, "Good afternoon, ah, Star Captain, Major."
"We've also got," Cam paused and looked over to Evan, "what's the headcount, Lorne?"
"Including us, we have: eleven John Sheppards, eleven Rodney McKays, twelve Teyla Emmagens, nine Ronon Dexes, two Aiden Fords, three Evan Lornes, two Radek Zelenkas, and one each of Cameron Mitchell and Jonas Quinn." After the one of the early worlds had freaked out, it had been decided that it would be best for everyone involved not to mention Strangely Nice Ba'al.
"I..." Elizabeth paused, and Evan could imagine the puzzled look on her face as she tried to process that. Finally, she said, "That must have taken some effort."
Cam ducked his head and sheepishly admitted, "Well, we never claimed that we don't have a lot more persistence than common sense."
Elizabeth couldn't help but laugh and tension flowed out of her voice. "You said it, not me, colonel. Are you certain there's nothing we can do for you?"
"No, sooner or later the geeks will get it figured out, and we'll just turn this puppy back the way we came. Thanks for the offer, though."
"However, we may be able to assist you," Teyla said. She nodded to Evan, who began working at his console. "We have been compiling information on all the universes we are from or pass through: the locations of friends and foes, zero-point modules, useful scientific data, other things of that nature. Obviously it much of it may not be applicable here, but there may be something of use to you among the rest. We can transmit it in a databurst once you have a secure hard drive ready, and only ask that you share whatever you are comfortable with in return."
"I see." Elizabeth considered it for a few seconds. "All right. Give us a minute to get things set up."
"In the meantime, is Colonel Sheppard around?" Cam asked, glancing over at Evan with a smirk and getting a thumbs-up in return. Teyla shook her head slightly with an amused and tolerant smile. "There's a couple of personal questions we'd like to ask, sort of comparing things across the universes."
"Yes, he is. How did you know he'd be here?"
"It's a constant across pretty much every universe so far, ma'am. If there's an Atlantis, Sheppard's close by."
"And these questions are personal? Nothing strategically important?"
"No, ma'am. The only way this information might be strategic is if we tried to embarass him to death with it."
Elizabeth's tone was wry as she responded, "Well then, by all means, ask away. Chuck, transfer them to a private channel, please."
A moment later the radio clicked, and John hesitantly said, "Uh, hello? Mitchell?"
"Sheppard, buddy, how are you?"
Far less hesitant and far more suspicious this time, John said, "What are you up to, Mitchell?"
"Aww, Shep," Cam drawled, "What makes you think I'm up to something?"
Evan snickered, hurriedly finishing up the data transfer so he could focus on the conversation.
"I've known you for fifteen years, Mitchell," John replied, with no need to explain further than that. "Now, are you going to ask whatever it is you're bugging me about, or can I get on with my life?"
"Are you in a relationship, and if you are, with who?" Cam asked, completely deadpan and matter-of-fact. As John started to sputter, Cam helpfully added, "By relationship, I mean dating, married, fuckbuddies, in love but not admitting it, anything like that."
"What kind of fucking question is that?" John finally managed to say. "I swear to God, I'm going to fly up there and strangle you with my bare hands, Mitchell!"
"Oh, don't be such a baby, Sheppard. It's not as if it's that hard to answer," Cam said. His face was turning red with the effort not to laugh. Evan had no such constraints. "We just gave you a lot of valuable data, the least you could do is let us poor lost souls sate our curiosity."
"I... you..." John shut up and took a deep breath, and Evan wished he could get a picture of his face. Maybe next time they could establish a video link. "Fine. I'm with McKay. We're... well, I guess it's not just screwing around, but I mean, I don't know if it counts as dating. I mean, were were already spending all our time together... wait. You know what? Fuck you guys. You can eat shit and die."
The radio clicked again, and a minute later Elizabeth was back on the line. She sounded faintly amused. "Well, John just stormed off in a huff. Did you get what you needed?"
Cam and Evan were too busy laughing their guts out to answer her, and so Teyla sighed and replied, "It appears they did. Thank you for your... assistance, Elizabeth. I believe we are about to jump again, so I wish you farewell."
"Good luck."
Moments later the ship flashed into the next universe, and after making sure there was nothing on the sensors Evan grabbed his tablet and made a few tally marks in the appropriate spaces on the statistics program he had running.
"And that pushes McKay back over the fifty percent mark," he told the other two after a moment, turning the screen so they could see the convenient pie chart it displayed, "leaving Teyla still in second and Ronon trailing a distant third."
"I still do not see what the two of you find so entertaining about embarrassing John so," Teyla said, keeping a straight face but failing to fully suppressed the amused look in her eyes.
"Oh, we're not doing it to embarrass him," Evan hastily said.
"Well, not just to embarrass him," Cam corrected. "We may be feeling a bit peeved about his role in getting us stuck on this ship."
"But really, it's just curiosity in the end. Really. Comparing how people fit together in other universes. We've already asked our counterparts here about ourselves, and John's just the most convenient person to study."
Evan had talked with his own duplicates shortly after they'd arrived, acting on genuine curiosity at the time. Lorne #1 was happily single, Lorne #3 was with Radek, and while he wasn't aboard Daedalus the Star Captain's husband was data point #4. Thus far Cam had almost no other points of comparison, as they'd only run across a few other universes where he was a member of the expedition.
"And yet you never seem to ask about anyone else," Teyla pointed out. "Myself, for example."
"Well, you're a lot scarier than he is," Cam said with a grin.
"As is Rodney?"
"Okay, there's also another reason." Evan held up his tablet again, this time displaying the raw numbers and percentages. "See us there at the bottom? So far, he's the only Cam Mitchell and I'm the only Evan Lorne in a stable,permanent relationship with John. We're even outnumbered by the celibate Johns, and that has to tell you something."
"What is that?" Teyla said.
"That we kick ass," Cam told her.
Evan nodded in agreement. "Exactly. We're awesome."
"Possibly the best damn Cam Mitchell and Evan Lorne in the local multiverse, in fact."
Teyla raised an eyebrow and slowly said, "You are basing that assessment solely on the fact that you're sleeping with John."
"It's not so much the sleeping with him part as what that indicates," Evan explained. "It means that, of all the other versions of us, we're the ones who have so much intelligence, bravery, loyalty, compassion-"
"Sexual prowess," Cam put in.
"Yeah, I was getting to that. Anyways, we're the ones with all the qualities John desires, and in enough quantity to draw him away from Rodney or another teammate." Evan shrugged, spread his hands, and gave Teyla a dazzling smile. "I suppose we might be biased in thinking that's the best measure of a man, but I think you'll agree it's a pretty good one by any objective standard."
"Perhaps you have a point," Teyla said. After a few moment's contemplation, she went on, "There may be an alternative explanation, however."
"What's that?"
"Perhaps in your universes, all of John's other choices were already taken and thus he was left with no option but, as your people say, to 'love the one you're with'."
The two men stared with wide eyes at her for a few long, silent seconds. Then Evan dramatically clasped his hand to his heart and moaned, "Oh, you wound me."
Cam chuckled. "There goes the last of my self-esteem."
Teyla simply smirked and sat back in the captain's chair with an air of smug amusement as the ship jumped ahead once more.