I've read several of your entries since I joined the community and I love the fact that these creatures are beautiful in their world, but would be hideous to us. It is so rare to see this and it is fantastic.
One suggestion: since you've introduced the main characters to the community already, try to avoid so much exposition and character description. It bogs the piece down a bit and I'd love to see the actual storyline come much sooner so I can see what happens! You can also weave some of the descriptions into the action, "Her six eyes glared at me," stuff like that.
Hi! I'm one of your editors this week. I will have to do this in a couple of posts; here's the first part;
All Hallows Eve, a night we of the Fey love to cause mischief in the human world. Every year since I was but a child my uncle, Anansi, would take me to the mortal world and let me run among the spirits and revelers. I adored running among the other creatures of the night helping or tormenting the humans I found. Strangely, though I look as if I am a creature of darkness, I helped those humans I found on All Hallows Eve.
Great first paragraph!
I wished that this year I would be going to wander the mortal world and help those I found, but that was not the case. This year my father’s mother, the Grand Goblin Duchess The Great Eight Soul Eater, had invited my father, my sister, Cinder, and I to join her for the Goblins’ All Hallows Eve Supper. She had never invited us before and to deny such an offer might be seen as grievous insult. We would be going to visit my grandmother for the first time in my life, the only
( ... )
Cinder and I were the opposing sides of the same coin. Cinder was all that was physically great in our Goblin blood while I was all that was magically great in our Sidhe blood
( ... )
Cinder and I were not worried about meeting with The Great Eight Soul Eater on our own, but the inclusion of our father worried us. While our parents were not able to spend nearly as much time raising us as most parents could spend with their children, we do love both our mother and father fiercely. Sadly the difference between our parents is that while both are half-Human, half-Fey, our mother is the beloved child of a true-love mate of Sidhe and Human while our father is the result of a sadistic psychological torture of a Human by a Goblin. The Great Eight Soul Eater does not love her son but she knows how to manipulate the feelings of others. This is full of really interesting plot details.
The dangers to our father are great but both Cinder and I are very capable warriors. Cinder can overpower almost any of the Goblins’ warriors while with my magic I can shield all of us from nearly any attack the Goblins could throw. The best part is because all three of us hold human blood we have a natural immunity to cold
( ... )
“Mother, we are honored to be called to sup with you,” Fanged-doll said from his low bow. Cinder and I exchanged a look before we bowed only slightly, neither one of us wanting to take our eyes from the massive spider. I knew that Cinder had caught the missing three eyes from the right side of our grandmother’s face. If we needed to fight our grandmother, I would come from the left and Cinder the right
( ... )
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One suggestion: since you've introduced the main characters to the community already, try to avoid so much exposition and character description. It bogs the piece down a bit and I'd love to see the actual storyline come much sooner so I can see what happens! You can also weave some of the descriptions into the action, "Her six eyes glared at me," stuff like that.
Good luck in the run-off!
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All Hallows Eve, a night we of the Fey love to cause mischief in the human world. Every year since I was but a child my uncle, Anansi, would take me to the mortal world and let me run among the spirits and revelers. I adored running among the other creatures of the night helping or tormenting the humans I found. Strangely, though I look as if I am a creature of darkness, I helped those humans I found on All Hallows Eve.
Great first paragraph!
I wished that this year I would be going to wander the mortal world and help those I found, but that was not the case. This year my father’s mother, the Grand Goblin Duchess The Great Eight Soul Eater, had invited my father, my sister, Cinder, and I to join her for the Goblins’ All Hallows Eve Supper. She had never invited us before and to deny such an offer might be seen as grievous insult. We would be going to visit my grandmother for the first time in my life, the only ( ... )
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This is full of really interesting plot details.
The dangers to our father are great but both Cinder and I are very capable warriors. Cinder can overpower almost any of the Goblins’ warriors while with my magic I can shield all of us from nearly any attack the Goblins could throw. The best part is because all three of us hold human blood we have a natural immunity to cold ( ... )
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