“The Sidhe-blooded named Cinder you look like a Goblin-blooded named Fire-doll,” The Great Eight Soul Eater hissed and I recognized the insult. In Goblin culture to be named ‘doll’ is to be lesser or weak. I prayed that Cinder would handle the insult with grace.
There should be a colon after ‘Cinder’
“Fire-doll, why thank you, Grandmother,” Cinder laughed before looking at a lesser goblin that was leering at her. With a wave of Cinder’s hand the lesser goblin burst into flame. He screamed as he ran across the floor, fire falling behind him like flowers of orange. I couldn’t help myself but join in Cinder’s laugher.
Strike ‘myself’. It’s unnecessary.
“Oh Sister you’ve made a mess in Grandmother’s hall,” I cooed and the goblins who were not in flames froze. I raised my hand and threw it forwards, letting the cleaning spell move over the floor. The orange flames flew into the air with the flakes of Goblin flesh that fell off the shrieking goblin. I lifted him up into the air with the spell, letting him burn away
( ... )
Mullvaney was very thorough, so I just have one thing to point out: in the beginning, Fanged-doll is allowed to live because of The Great Eight Soul Eater’s pride, but later it's because he struck first and went to work with the Goblin King. I think it would make more sense for it to be one or the other since personally, I wouldn't be very happy that my half-human son one upped me.
I've really enjoyed these entries. I, too, am a huge fan of how beautiful your characters are, although in our world we wouldn't have thought of them that way. The way you write your characters is also great - the reader can still relate to them despite the fact that their world is so radically different. I think that's a very hard thing to accomplish in stories like this. I've seen authors get carried away with details for the sake of details, but you handled it well. Wonderful work! Good luck in the future :)
I should fix that first part, The Great Eight Soul Eater's pride caused his survival because she never took him seriously as a threat. She never considered his venom powerful enough to harm her. I'll add that in there.
Thank you so much for the compliment, I do get worried often about my details because I can "see" their world so clearly. I want my readers to see and every now and then I get extremely worried I'm just overdoing it. I'm glad I'm not too bad yet.
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There should be a colon after ‘Cinder’
“Fire-doll, why thank you, Grandmother,” Cinder laughed before looking at a lesser goblin that was leering at her. With a wave of Cinder’s hand the lesser goblin burst into flame. He screamed as he ran across the floor, fire falling behind him like flowers of orange. I couldn’t help myself but join in Cinder’s laugher.
Strike ‘myself’. It’s unnecessary.
“Oh Sister you’ve made a mess in Grandmother’s hall,” I cooed and the goblins who were not in flames froze. I raised my hand and threw it forwards, letting the cleaning spell move over the floor. The orange flames flew into the air with the flakes of Goblin flesh that fell off the shrieking goblin. I lifted him up into the air with the spell, letting him burn away ( ... )
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Mullvaney was very thorough, so I just have one thing to point out: in the beginning, Fanged-doll is allowed to live because of The Great Eight Soul Eater’s pride, but later it's because he struck first and went to work with the Goblin King. I think it would make more sense for it to be one or the other since personally, I wouldn't be very happy that my half-human son one upped me.
I've really enjoyed these entries. I, too, am a huge fan of how beautiful your characters are, although in our world we wouldn't have thought of them that way. The way you write your characters is also great - the reader can still relate to them despite the fact that their world is so radically different. I think that's a very hard thing to accomplish in stories like this. I've seen authors get carried away with details for the sake of details, but you handled it well. Wonderful work! Good luck in the future :)
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Thank you so much for the compliment, I do get worried often about my details because I can "see" their world so clearly. I want my readers to see and every now and then I get extremely worried I'm just overdoing it. I'm glad I'm not too bad yet.
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