Hey, so, I wrote up a review for you but it kind of ended up being 1548 words and 8514 characters. Instead of breaking it up into three comments I decided I'd just upload it in a txt file. Here.
Bro, I am appreciate this like you have no idea. For someone who doesn't write a lot and constructs characters even less, this is quite useful. A-HEM.
The first part of this is useful like fuck. I will revise this as soon as I can. I only wish I had this before I submitted this to my classmates for review (fuck me). Most of this is sound, I can certainly use it to my advantage.
Re: Monologuing by Susie McCancerfuckles: I actually had her bit longer before, until someone advised me to make it shorter since no one irl monologues like that.
Cyril P. Corpsehumper could indeed use some more expansion, though, and I didn't actually think to draw the parallel to Lolita.
What bothered me the most is that this story was supposed to be about the MORAL DILEMMA. He wants her to die but likes her too much alive. :B Thanks for the tips and thoughts.
I personally am of the mind too that no one in real life actually monologues that long. The thing is though, it doesn't have to be a monologue! She is talking a lot about herself and exposing her deepdarksecrets and she is kinda sorta bonding with Corpsehumper, yeah? I'm sure that her gross talking time can go up by significant amounts while her net words per quote mark usage can go down!
Also worth noting: things about different topics/the scenery/the weather/whatever can be triggers for recollection.
Regarding that last bit -- I got that he was conflicted about it and it was reasonably clear to me why he was conflicted about it. The section in which he is overtly conflicted is pretty short, though. It lasts kinda like, what, twenty words. I'm happy to sit here and think about it post-story and fill in the blanks myself but it might seem unsatisfyingly abrupt to a reader who has a lot of other stuff to do. (Eg, whoever's grading this.)
Sorry for the wait. I'm glad I gave it time, though, since your conversation with r_amythest cleared some things up for me. I'm jumping off from the statement you made about the point of the story: "He wants her to die but likes her too much alive," because it's a good direction and it offers the character a lot of potential for growth. Granted this probably won't be a novel, so a lot of that might not happen, but it's still good to open that door. I like the idea. I'm going to go on a lot about stuff that might make it seem like I didn't, but I did
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Re: the moral conflict, it could be played up more while they're driving, if you intend to end it here. The moment she announces her intended suicide this could be raging in his head twice as aggressively than before - for example, instead of wondering if she wants him to talk her out of it, why shouldn't his mind go straight to speculation on how she might be planning to do it, how he could salvage the body, and what he can do with it? Details. You have plenty of details and vivid imagery of what he fantasizes before about possible accidents, and now would be the time to insert that again, this time about the woman
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Part Three (end)myaruDecember 14 2010, 09:02:57 UTC
Part of the problem I see, what gives me that impression when otherwise it might work, is that his turning point (deciding to stop her) is so close to where it cuts off. There's no room to back down from the tension of the moral dilemma, and its impact is somewhat lessened because to the very end, what he likes about her seems to be what she'll be after she dies. There isn't much sense he appreciates her as a living human being at this moment. That IS expressed in earlier paragraphs, when he's thinking "Her hair is fake ... Suddenly she feels like a bird to me: a tiny, dying bird" and which continues again with "It must have been horrible, soul-crushing, for a free spirit." Never once do we see, really, what he likes so much that this moral dilemma would happen at all
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The first part of this is useful like fuck. I will revise this as soon as I can. I only wish I had this before I submitted this to my classmates for review (fuck me). Most of this is sound, I can certainly use it to my advantage.
Re: Monologuing by Susie McCancerfuckles: I actually had her bit longer before, until someone advised me to make it shorter since no one irl monologues like that.
Cyril P. Corpsehumper could indeed use some more expansion, though, and I didn't actually think to draw the parallel to Lolita.
What bothered me the most is that this story was supposed to be about the MORAL DILEMMA. He wants her to die but likes her too much alive. :B Thanks for the tips and thoughts.
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Anyway!
I personally am of the mind too that no one in real life actually monologues that long. The thing is though, it doesn't have to be a monologue! She is talking a lot about herself and exposing her deepdarksecrets and she is kinda sorta bonding with Corpsehumper, yeah? I'm sure that her gross talking time can go up by significant amounts while her net words per quote mark usage can go down!
Also worth noting: things about different topics/the scenery/the weather/whatever can be triggers for recollection.
Regarding that last bit -- I got that he was conflicted about it and it was reasonably clear to me why he was conflicted about it. The section in which he is overtly conflicted is pretty short, though. It lasts kinda like, what, twenty words. I'm happy to sit here and think about it post-story and fill in the blanks myself but it might seem unsatisfyingly abrupt to a reader who has a lot of other stuff to do. (Eg, whoever's grading this.)
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