Sorry for the wait. I'm glad I gave it time, though, since your conversation with r_amythest cleared some things up for me. I'm jumping off from the statement you made about the point of the story: "He wants her to die but likes her too much alive," because it's a good direction and it offers the character a lot of potential for growth. Granted this probably won't be a novel, so a lot of that might not happen, but it's still good to open that door. I like the idea. I'm going to go on a lot about stuff that might make it seem like I didn't, but I did.
Also, you probably already know this, but just to state: I'm rambling an awful lot based on how I read the story, and my response is inevitably going to be about what I'd like to see, even if I'm trying to look at and expand on points of potential in the actual story-- as I see them.
On a technical point, I think you could condense the opening somewhat. Nothing is wrong with it, but the first paragraph explains his motives adequately, for instance, and the second doesn't add much; the third, if tacked onto the end of the very first paragraph, would still make perfect sense. That kind of thing. I almost want to say the anecdote about the foot isn't necessary, but it does establish that he in fact scrapes up road kill and keeps it, which is important for later. I thought you pulled his fantasy off really well, so that's awesome. Also, the paragraph that starts with "I dream about death" was very effective and detailed.
Their first dialogue exchange, down to "Helluva place to be lost, ain't it" is great; the rest could be summarized to quicken the pace. The rule of thumb we were always taught is that dialogue takes up space (not good when you're on a word/page restriction), and if the line doesn't tell us something we don't already know, axe it and replace the exchange with a paragraph that says "we talked about where we were from without really talking about it," i.e. a summary. This may or may not be to your taste, and of course it's not a hard rule; dialogue can tell you something about a person by the way they speak, too. Here we see that your main character is extremely vague for reasons we already know, and that the woman isn't actually divulging any information at all, so she's showing caution. But then she throws that all out the window, so the usefulness of the exchange starting with "So, where you from" is questionable.
Also, as a reader, I feel she explains too much about herself. Technically all the explanation necessary is "I have cancer, you know? Leukemia. Third stage. They told me it’s irreversible" and then "I stopped taking the pills. Stopped going to the sessions. Fuck them. Fuck them all." Instead, she gives him more. Why? What made her suddenly trust him when she was so cautious before? Is it just because she's going to die?
This might be a good place to expand on why he is confronted with that moral dilemma you mentioned in the first place, also. One way you could build up to that would be to extend the journey - have them stop at a diner, or something. Or she could say more with less; life isn't worth living anyway, I have no career, no friends - they stopped coming to see me... etc. And there is something he can relate to, because he says himself he has no hobbies or abilities. However, he does dream of having them, and that's another interesting point you could expand on. "In my imagination, we talk about art. We talk about love. We talk about my deepest fears" - is it because he likes her that he wants this, or is it a longing he has anyway, to share these things with someone? "We talk about hers - I want to know it all." Why suddenly think this-- because she's beautiful? Her breasts? He was just thinking about her potential death, so it makes me wonder.
Re: the moral conflict, it could be played up more while they're driving, if you intend to end it here. The moment she announces her intended suicide this could be raging in his head twice as aggressively than before - for example, instead of wondering if she wants him to talk her out of it, why shouldn't his mind go straight to speculation on how she might be planning to do it, how he could salvage the body, and what he can do with it? Details. You have plenty of details and vivid imagery of what he fantasizes before about possible accidents, and now would be the time to insert that again, this time about the woman.
You can insert other details for the things he finds beautiful about her in the midst of that - her voice, maybe, again, using different points of focus each time: the hard edge of her talking first, then her range, i.e. alto, soprano, etc. or someone/something she reminds him of (a celebrity, someone he knows). It's her voice, her talking, that seems to make him like her, and her story that he's sort of relating to with "Isolation. Incompetence. It must have been horrible, soul-crushing" and which seems to convince him to make his turnaround at the end ("I’ll put her remains in my freezer and keep them as long as I live" is showing a desire to preserve and/or cherish, which I think is different from his earlier desires to use what he's preserving).
As for the ending, I can't help feeling it's very abrupt, and doesn't actually resolve anything. If that wasn't the goal in writing this, then it doesn't matter. As a story that stands alone, however, I think it would need more interaction. The thing is-- my storytelling sense is very straightforward. Most things I read have a beginning and end, at least, and this feels like it has a beginning and a middle, and then the rest was amputated like the corpses he was talking about earlier in the story.
Part Three (end)myaruDecember 14 2010, 09:02:57 UTC
Part of the problem I see, what gives me that impression when otherwise it might work, is that his turning point (deciding to stop her) is so close to where it cuts off. There's no room to back down from the tension of the moral dilemma, and its impact is somewhat lessened because to the very end, what he likes about her seems to be what she'll be after she dies. There isn't much sense he appreciates her as a living human being at this moment. That IS expressed in earlier paragraphs, when he's thinking "Her hair is fake ... Suddenly she feels like a bird to me: a tiny, dying bird" and which continues again with "It must have been horrible, soul-crushing, for a free spirit." Never once do we see, really, what he likes so much that this moral dilemma would happen at all.
Also, this character being what he is, there is the possibility he can keep her alive, enjoy her alive, and still end up with a corpse at the end.
On the other hand, well - I don't necessarily think suicide is a good thing, but your main shows some interesting character when she asks "You’re not going to stop me?" and he simply shakes his head. Earlier in the story he considers putting "a hand on her arm, tell her that whatever she decides, she’s still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen," yet doesn't do it; I thought he was just frozen in one of those "whatdoidowhatdoido?" moments, but there is also a strange kind of acceptance in stepping back in situations where people make these decisions and letting them live their lives as they see fit. The problem is, I have no reason to think it's anything other than self-interest.
Beyond this, and me being the Queen of Details and always wanting to see more details (what kind of car is it? are their clouds in the sky? what did the brush smell like, what does the bridge look like, blah blah), I can't think of anything more to say. I feel like I haven't said enough good thinigs, but honestly, this is a fascinating story and a fascinating character, and I think you can do a lot with it. Take my opinions with a grain of salt. I'm shit at technical and craft critique, so I'm sorry my review emphasized my own speculation so much.
Also, you probably already know this, but just to state: I'm rambling an awful lot based on how I read the story, and my response is inevitably going to be about what I'd like to see, even if I'm trying to look at and expand on points of potential in the actual story-- as I see them.
On a technical point, I think you could condense the opening somewhat. Nothing is wrong with it, but the first paragraph explains his motives adequately, for instance, and the second doesn't add much; the third, if tacked onto the end of the very first paragraph, would still make perfect sense. That kind of thing. I almost want to say the anecdote about the foot isn't necessary, but it does establish that he in fact scrapes up road kill and keeps it, which is important for later. I thought you pulled his fantasy off really well, so that's awesome. Also, the paragraph that starts with "I dream about death" was very effective and detailed.
Their first dialogue exchange, down to "Helluva place to be lost, ain't it" is great; the rest could be summarized to quicken the pace. The rule of thumb we were always taught is that dialogue takes up space (not good when you're on a word/page restriction), and if the line doesn't tell us something we don't already know, axe it and replace the exchange with a paragraph that says "we talked about where we were from without really talking about it," i.e. a summary. This may or may not be to your taste, and of course it's not a hard rule; dialogue can tell you something about a person by the way they speak, too. Here we see that your main character is extremely vague for reasons we already know, and that the woman isn't actually divulging any information at all, so she's showing caution. But then she throws that all out the window, so the usefulness of the exchange starting with "So, where you from" is questionable.
Also, as a reader, I feel she explains too much about herself. Technically all the explanation necessary is "I have cancer, you know? Leukemia. Third stage. They told me it’s irreversible" and then "I stopped taking the pills. Stopped going to the sessions. Fuck them. Fuck them all." Instead, she gives him more. Why? What made her suddenly trust him when she was so cautious before? Is it just because she's going to die?
This might be a good place to expand on why he is confronted with that moral dilemma you mentioned in the first place, also. One way you could build up to that would be to extend the journey - have them stop at a diner, or something. Or she could say more with less; life isn't worth living anyway, I have no career, no friends - they stopped coming to see me... etc. And there is something he can relate to, because he says himself he has no hobbies or abilities. However, he does dream of having them, and that's another interesting point you could expand on. "In my imagination, we talk about art. We talk about love. We talk about my deepest fears" - is it because he likes her that he wants this, or is it a longing he has anyway, to share these things with someone? "We talk about hers - I want to know it all." Why suddenly think this-- because she's beautiful? Her breasts? He was just thinking about her potential death, so it makes me wonder.
Reply
You can insert other details for the things he finds beautiful about her in the midst of that - her voice, maybe, again, using different points of focus each time: the hard edge of her talking first, then her range, i.e. alto, soprano, etc. or someone/something she reminds him of (a celebrity, someone he knows). It's her voice, her talking, that seems to make him like her, and her story that he's sort of relating to with "Isolation. Incompetence. It must have been horrible, soul-crushing" and which seems to convince him to make his turnaround at the end ("I’ll put her remains in my freezer and keep them as long as I live" is showing a desire to preserve and/or cherish, which I think is different from his earlier desires to use what he's preserving).
As for the ending, I can't help feeling it's very abrupt, and doesn't actually resolve anything. If that wasn't the goal in writing this, then it doesn't matter. As a story that stands alone, however, I think it would need more interaction. The thing is-- my storytelling sense is very straightforward. Most things I read have a beginning and end, at least, and this feels like it has a beginning and a middle, and then the rest was amputated like the corpses he was talking about earlier in the story.
Reply
Also, this character being what he is, there is the possibility he can keep her alive, enjoy her alive, and still end up with a corpse at the end.
On the other hand, well - I don't necessarily think suicide is a good thing, but your main shows some interesting character when she asks "You’re not going to stop me?" and he simply shakes his head. Earlier in the story he considers putting "a hand on her arm, tell her that whatever she decides, she’s still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen," yet doesn't do it; I thought he was just frozen in one of those "whatdoidowhatdoido?" moments, but there is also a strange kind of acceptance in stepping back in situations where people make these decisions and letting them live their lives as they see fit. The problem is, I have no reason to think it's anything other than self-interest.
Beyond this, and me being the Queen of Details and always wanting to see more details (what kind of car is it? are their clouds in the sky? what did the brush smell like, what does the bridge look like, blah blah), I can't think of anything more to say. I feel like I haven't said enough good thinigs, but honestly, this is a fascinating story and a fascinating character, and I think you can do a lot with it. Take my opinions with a grain of salt. I'm shit at technical and craft critique, so I'm sorry my review emphasized my own speculation so much.
Reply
Leave a comment