Part Three (end)myaruDecember 14 2010, 09:02:57 UTC
Part of the problem I see, what gives me that impression when otherwise it might work, is that his turning point (deciding to stop her) is so close to where it cuts off. There's no room to back down from the tension of the moral dilemma, and its impact is somewhat lessened because to the very end, what he likes about her seems to be what she'll be after she dies. There isn't much sense he appreciates her as a living human being at this moment. That IS expressed in earlier paragraphs, when he's thinking "Her hair is fake ... Suddenly she feels like a bird to me: a tiny, dying bird" and which continues again with "It must have been horrible, soul-crushing, for a free spirit." Never once do we see, really, what he likes so much that this moral dilemma would happen at all.
Also, this character being what he is, there is the possibility he can keep her alive, enjoy her alive, and still end up with a corpse at the end.
On the other hand, well - I don't necessarily think suicide is a good thing, but your main shows some interesting character when she asks "You’re not going to stop me?" and he simply shakes his head. Earlier in the story he considers putting "a hand on her arm, tell her that whatever she decides, she’s still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen," yet doesn't do it; I thought he was just frozen in one of those "whatdoidowhatdoido?" moments, but there is also a strange kind of acceptance in stepping back in situations where people make these decisions and letting them live their lives as they see fit. The problem is, I have no reason to think it's anything other than self-interest.
Beyond this, and me being the Queen of Details and always wanting to see more details (what kind of car is it? are their clouds in the sky? what did the brush smell like, what does the bridge look like, blah blah), I can't think of anything more to say. I feel like I haven't said enough good thinigs, but honestly, this is a fascinating story and a fascinating character, and I think you can do a lot with it. Take my opinions with a grain of salt. I'm shit at technical and craft critique, so I'm sorry my review emphasized my own speculation so much.
Also, this character being what he is, there is the possibility he can keep her alive, enjoy her alive, and still end up with a corpse at the end.
On the other hand, well - I don't necessarily think suicide is a good thing, but your main shows some interesting character when she asks "You’re not going to stop me?" and he simply shakes his head. Earlier in the story he considers putting "a hand on her arm, tell her that whatever she decides, she’s still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen," yet doesn't do it; I thought he was just frozen in one of those "whatdoidowhatdoido?" moments, but there is also a strange kind of acceptance in stepping back in situations where people make these decisions and letting them live their lives as they see fit. The problem is, I have no reason to think it's anything other than self-interest.
Beyond this, and me being the Queen of Details and always wanting to see more details (what kind of car is it? are their clouds in the sky? what did the brush smell like, what does the bridge look like, blah blah), I can't think of anything more to say. I feel like I haven't said enough good thinigs, but honestly, this is a fascinating story and a fascinating character, and I think you can do a lot with it. Take my opinions with a grain of salt. I'm shit at technical and craft critique, so I'm sorry my review emphasized my own speculation so much.
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