"And now I know how Joan of Arc felt..."
I think everything I've been feeling over the last week or so can be summed up in a single phrase: I'm tired of feeling like I'm destined to end up alone without having accomplished anything on a grand scale
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me too. family friends were over yesterday evening for my sister's graduation party, and a couple's daughter is living in nyc. it's safe to say that i'm envious. the adult thing to do would be to say hi and ask her how her life has been. i ended up keeping as far away from her as i could.
it's stupid, and i know that i shouldn't have gotten upset, but i did.
i'm not sure if that resonates with your experience at all. i've just been having a lot of thoughts that are irrational, this past year, and i know that they're irrational, but i can't help it.
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I think with me it's more of a social thing, relationships between people and all that, although I have found myself intensely jealous of others who've gotten what I've been striving for (and then feeling really guilty about it almost immediately, especially if it's a friend of mine). My mom says I tend to trust people really easily, and I might, but I don't think she entirely realizes that I have like... I guess I have trust issues? Or social perception issues? I don't know what the term would be, but every now and then I hit those phases where I get paranoid of everyone close to me who isn't the dictionary definition of family. Why are they with me? Do they really like me? If they like me why don't we hang out more/why don't they call? Why are they always making plans with each other and not me?
And then it's like, Lol, don't be stupid. Everybody who is with you likes you for you, and the people you call your best friends genuinely love and care about you. ( ... )
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