"And now I know how Joan of Arc felt..."
I think everything I've been feeling over the last week or so can be summed up in a single phrase: I'm tired of feeling like I'm destined to end up alone without having accomplished anything on a grand scale
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I think with me it's more of a social thing, relationships between people and all that, although I have found myself intensely jealous of others who've gotten what I've been striving for (and then feeling really guilty about it almost immediately, especially if it's a friend of mine). My mom says I tend to trust people really easily, and I might, but I don't think she entirely realizes that I have like... I guess I have trust issues? Or social perception issues? I don't know what the term would be, but every now and then I hit those phases where I get paranoid of everyone close to me who isn't the dictionary definition of family. Why are they with me? Do they really like me? If they like me why don't we hang out more/why don't they call? Why are they always making plans with each other and not me?
And then it's like, Lol, don't be stupid. Everybody who is with you likes you for you, and the people you call your best friends genuinely love and care about you. Stop being so stupid.
And then I feel guilty. Or I feel stupid because I can't quite get out of the cycle. (I think this might be the 84727th time I write that out, and part of my brain is sitting here going, "You know, people are going to get tired of you repeating the same issues over and over. They're going to think it's an excuse and aren't you always saying there's a point at which it stops being an excuse?")
I just want to feel secure in my relationships more often. And, y'know, actually go on dates once in a while. Or even just be approached by a someone and maybe hit on. Something like that. I'm sick of being that odd one out in a group where at least two people are a couple, or the one hanging out with someone who gets hit on while I'm completely ignored. And I know part of that is just getting out more, but sometimes I feel like I have this aura I give off of "Don't talk to me." that I'd like to figure out how to turn off sometimes.
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story. of. my. life.
i think this train of thought stemmed from a best friend that i had had from when i was eleven to the time i was fifteen. someone died. my brain went into that train of thought/paranoia, then it turned out that (according to my mum, at least), she was feeding me white lies. i never want to see her again.
and things get ten times worse when i'm grieving (i.e. since last september). i have constant thoughts of "everyone is selfish, and everyone is doing things for their own selfish reasons, so why do i consider anyone to be my friend?" and other thoughts along those lines. i'm probably only having the thoughts because i'm selfish, and i'm projecting what i feel onto other people.
i'm not sure if i tend to trust people easily, or not. i trust people on the surface, but it's very hard to get past that. it's taken me two and a half years to get past that with one person (who i might not be seeing again because people just happen to have lives after college, and those lives may be all the way across the country in california. ugh). when people die, my brain immediately thinks "anything could happen at any moment, and you shouldn't trust people, because you don't know when bad things could happen to them." i've had problems with death. my brain doesn't know what to do with grief.
i apologize for relating most of this to death and grief but part of bottling things up this year is feeling like i've spoken enough about things to my friends. i was so worried that they'd get sick of it that i wasn't sure what to do.
re: relationships-- unfortunately, i don't smile very often, and people say that i look unhappy and therefore, unapproachable. that also ties into romantic relationships. i don't know if/when girls are interested, and guys? i'm terrified out of my wits that guys are never interested because i'm too androgynous. the rational part of my brain says that i shouldn't worry, and if someone is interested, they won't care how i dress, so there is always that... and there's also the fact that asperger's makes me socially oblivious...i have no idea if/when people are interested, so i have no way of reciprocating unless people are direct. so yeah, i'd love to eventually have a relationship...without metaphorically smothering someone or feeling like i'm being smothered. ugh.
tl;dr- i feel just as worried as you about people's motives for being friends. grief complicates this x10. my prospects for romantic relationships are at about a zero because of my asperger's and obliviousness.
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