Time Held me Green and Dying

[sanginmychains]

I'm about ready to admit that I've lost my ability to produce any creative writing whatsoever. The tiny bursts of writing, which come when available time and available brain align, have been getting smaller and farther between, and now I can hardly even muster the ability to remember my overall plans much less motivate myself to work on them.

Comments

[definehome]

Never having gone through this, I can only guess. But I expect that this is.,. temporary. And if you can avoid the contempt all the better. All I can say is that I do respect you. I want to be where you are in a few years, and hopefully you still have some respect for me, even knowing that. I fully intend to continue with my career, but I want have kids, and, from where I'm sitting, that means it's going to affect how I think, at least temporarily. That's what maternity leave is for. So, give your self freaking maternity leave! No woman would expect to be working while she's full term.

Good luck. Ping me if you feel like chatting.

[sanginmychains]

I realize that the self-contempt is fairly, well, pointless at least, and it stems from some assorted cultural and personal damage. I used to be a whole lot worse; I've done a lot of work at sorting out the cultural and family messages from my own sense of self, and for the most part I'm pretty well integrated. But there are times when that inner beast, that voice that tells me I'm not good enough, not doing enough, not impressive enough, when that voice starts to talk -- there are times when I'm weak against it. I'm a bit weak at the moment

[blackbird_song]

A rapid flood of hormones on the brain can have profound effects one's self image and esteem. You already know this of course, so I say it as a sympathetic observer (I have not given birth, nor do I intend to), and as one who has shared the ambivalent feelings you've expressed towards the typical female role model you cite. On a selfish level, I must admit to being deeply grateful for the fact that pregnancy causes these changes of focus, as I probably wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for that phenomenon

[sanginmychains]

As I read your last paragraph, it occurred to me that my statement in my post announcing this pregnancy about how I wouldn't be babyblogging, and my sheepish admission here that I might, indeed, do so -- it stems from the same self-contempt, the same cultural bullying that women are subject to. The culture to an extent pushes women to make the default choices of straight, married, monogamous, and be-childed, but the culture of modern liberalism also pushes them to acknowledge the cultural privilege that those choices put them in, and asks them to prove their participation in the liberal project of extending privilege to more groups by somehow demonstrating their lack of complacency. I find myself defensive as a result, constantly wanting to prove to people that I'm not "just" the things that I am. And of course, that's a pretty adolescent feeling to start with. Is there anyone who thinks that of me? Probably not

[kel_reiley]

There's a funny thing about my flist. I didn't go looking for this, I just went looking for writing I liked and people I thought were cool, but there seems to be a very large representation from the lbgt community. I joke around that my straight female self is in the minority, and of course I am, but the truth is that while I've always entirely identified as female, I've never been comfortable with it. It's more political than a gender-identification thing

this is me
i've never truly wanted to be a boy, but sometimes i really hated being a girl

having never been pregnant (and mostly never wanting to) i can only barely imagine how you feel - there's gotta be some... adjustment period or something and it sounds to me like you're doing pretty well (i have the utmost respect and admiration for women who choose to have children and be mothers b/c it just seems such a hard thing to do)

[sanginmychains]

There is an adjustment, definitely. I'm an active member of my local La Leche League group, and I always put forth the opinion that moms should stop fighting the challenges to your expectations of how things should be and just go with them. Baby wants to nurse for an hour at a stretch? Get comfortable, get a good magazine to read, and have someone bring you snacks. Baby won't sleep in its crib? (who wants to sleep alone?) Bring the baby to bed, do it safely, and throw out the books that use the phrase "sleep training." Etc

[kel_reiley]

i'd say it wasn't until about high school that i started having more girl friends - but by that time, my peers were no longer divided into groups of 'boys' and 'girls', they were just 'other ppl'

growing up, i learned the hard way that girls are mean - i'm talking from pre-school all through middle school and it really ruined me for trusting other girls in any type of capacity

[paragraphs]

I may be a minority re: your flisters in that I *have* gone through this, having two kids myself, and so can relate in some ways. (I wasn't writing yet when I had my kids, but I started writing when my youngest was...let's see...four?) But that was long ago for me, and far different times than now. There are pressures you face that I did not back then

[sanginmychains]

Thanks for this. It does help hearing it from someone who fought letting it go and got it back again -- I try to keep reminding myself that it does come back.

[bodlon]

By coincidence, another friend in my writing constellation -- my evil genius mentor Chloie -- had her third just a few months ago. She's going through/recently went through a lot of the same things.

What you are doing is damn hard. It changes your body and your mind for a while, and you've got a young child to care for that you didn't have last time. It's okay not to have your whole brain running at top capacity, or not to be at your best. Your being is undergoing a trial. It is terrifying, but you will come back.

Odd aside: when I think about you, I don't think 1950's housewife. I think about mother bears. All in good ways. Make of that what you will.

And while I know you don't need my permission, I say that if you want to baby blog, do it. You're right in that this is a rare episode in your life, and you should enjoy/make the most of it.

[sanginmychains]

It's true that I don't need your permission to baby blog, but it helps nevertheless. Because in my currently warped and fragile mind, you represent a demographic that I don't want to be excluded from, but can't legitimately participate in: smart, interesting, engaged in the culture around you, living creatively.

For awhile around here on the Interwebs, I felt like my suburban mom status was something I had to hide, for fear that I'd be judged, that stereotypes would be applied to me, that I'd be dismissed. A lot of that is my own baggage, but I'm reasonably sure some of it isn't.

So hearing that I will still be allowed to count, or at least that there's a tolerance for me not counting for awhile -- it helps.