Time Held me Green and Dying

[sanginmychains]

I'm about ready to admit that I've lost my ability to produce any creative writing whatsoever. The tiny bursts of writing, which come when available time and available brain align, have been getting smaller and farther between, and now I can hardly even muster the ability to remember my overall plans much less motivate myself to work on them.

Comments

[blackbird_song]

A rapid flood of hormones on the brain can have profound effects one's self image and esteem. You already know this of course, so I say it as a sympathetic observer (I have not given birth, nor do I intend to), and as one who has shared the ambivalent feelings you've expressed towards the typical female role model you cite. On a selfish level, I must admit to being deeply grateful for the fact that pregnancy causes these changes of focus, as I probably wouldn't be alive today if it weren't for that phenomenon. ;)

I appreciate your differentiation between the innate feelings of being a happily married, heterosexual female with children and the socio-political imposition of a heavily circumscribed, stultifying caricature of that state as the norm against which all women must be judged. It's an important distinction to make, and one that is all the more difficult to bear in mind in the face of the bullying so many women have had to endure because of the stereotype. For what it's worth, I think that what you've set down here is a valuable gift both to those of us who read your words and to your children. The knock-on effects from sharing and reading bits of deep, personal thinking like this on central issues around life are never predictable, but can be profound.

Needless to say, I shall be delighted when your creative writing muse is allowed to return after your baby is born. I hope that the birth goes brilliantly, and that your acceptance of your current interest in it will unfetter your joy. Though I am not generally a 'baby person', I shall look forward to reading your babyblog. In the meantime, thank you for sharing your thoughts. They've given me lots to ponder.

Catherine

[sanginmychains]

As I read your last paragraph, it occurred to me that my statement in my post announcing this pregnancy about how I wouldn't be babyblogging, and my sheepish admission here that I might, indeed, do so -- it stems from the same self-contempt, the same cultural bullying that women are subject to. The culture to an extent pushes women to make the default choices of straight, married, monogamous, and be-childed, but the culture of modern liberalism also pushes them to acknowledge the cultural privilege that those choices put them in, and asks them to prove their participation in the liberal project of extending privilege to more groups by somehow demonstrating their lack of complacency. I find myself defensive as a result, constantly wanting to prove to people that I'm not "just" the things that I am. And of course, that's a pretty adolescent feeling to start with. Is there anyone who thinks that of me? Probably not.

Continuing to push on career or intellectual aspirations at a time in one's life when it's really very hard to do that, that's a pretty burdensome expectation, and yet I'm perpetuating it by showing contempt for those who choose to exercise their skills of analysis and creative communication by blogging about what they actually are doing -- being moms. Babyblogging really shouldn't be practically a dirty word in my mouth, and yet it feels that way.

Even in my real life, where I hang out with a bunch of other more or less full time moms -- there are these lines, these expectations, restrictive and often conflicting. Some voices tell me to go back to work -- a real job, not this futzing around being a handcrafter. Some tell me that I've sold out my kids and I don't get my Attachment Parenting gold star because my daughter was in daycare 2 days a week when she was 18 months, and because I'm not homeschooling. I feel like plankton, sometimes, not able to exist either too far from the surface of the water nor above it.