Beholder, Ch. 6, NC-17, RPS, AU, Jensen/Jared

[sandymg]

“Is he okay?”

Jared was on the floor, Jensen in a fetal position across his lap, head burrowed into Jared’s stomach. The hood was back up so Jared slipped his hand inside and gave a soft stroke at the side of Jensen’s temple. He looked up into Alison’s concerned blue gaze.

“Yeah. He will be. Just give us another minute.”

Jared heard the small bell above the door. Alison dashed out front. He glanced at the clock on the wall. Misha.

He leaned down. “Jensen. Misha is here now, too. You remember him, right?”

He felt Jensen nod yes.

Voices wafted from the outer waiting area. Alison’s higher pitch clearly worried. Snatches of words came through.

What’s he doing? … Bruises … More than … What do we …

“Jared?”

Jared stopped hearing them outside. Attention back on Jensen. “Hey.”

Jensen lifted up. The hood pushed back. Jensen didn’t touch it. Jared was surprised at the intense green stare. “How do you feel?”

“Bee-Jensen fine.”

“You fainted.” Jared reached out and touched Jensen’s cheek slightly. “Frightened me.”

Jensen caught his hand and held it in place. “I … I saw.” He shook his head and Jared dropped his hand. “No. Re-remem-“

“You remembered something?”

“Before … the witch.”

“Jensen, do your memories begin with the witch?”

“Yes. Never more. Except. With you. I … He … Jen … you call.”

Jared blinked. Jensen was reacting to his name being shortened. The way a loved one or family member would have. “What did you remember?”

“Woman. Not witch. Yellow hair. Blue eyes. Beautiful.”

Jared smiled. “Like you.”

“Jared. Who?”

“I don’t know. But we’re going to find out. We’re going to get your life back. Tell me. Was she … kind in your memory?”

Jensen’s lips curved in a soft smile. “Yes. Not mean. Not like witch. Not like everyone.”

“Has everyone been mean to you?” Jared swallowed. It’s not like he hadn’t imagined this. But it was so hard to hear it confirmed.

Jensen held his gaze. “No. Not everyone.”

“Jensen. When did you meet the witch? Do you know?”

Green eyes looked questioningly at him. “Long ago.”

“How many years ago?”

Jensen’s brows drew together as if he’d never considered this before. He stared at his fingers. “Year. Year. Year. Year. Year. Year. Year. Many, many years.” He was holding out all ten fingers.

“And today you remembered before her … for the first time?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think the woman you remembered was family? Do you remember how you felt about her?”

The gold flecks twinkled as Jensen’s eyes locked back with his. It took a long moment before he answered. “Safe. Like Jared. Only … not … “ He looked down and color flushed his face.

Jared pulled his face back up. “Hey. It’s okay. It wasn’t sexual?”

Jensen shook his head no.

“Well. We have a start then. A blonde haired, blue eyed woman who loved you.”

“No. No love Beast. No one love Beast. Ugly--”

Jared was tired of this argument. He leaned in and cut off the rest of Jensen’s self flagellation with his lips. He intended just to distract but Jensen opened to him and their tongues met and he tasted like toothpaste and warmth and desire. Jensen moaned deep and scraped along Jared’s jaw with his teeth until an answering moan erupted from Jared’s throat. A sharp cough ripped them apart.

Jensen shuddered and yanked up his hood. He stood quickly and Jared rose as well and immediately shielded him with his body.

“Misha. I … we … “ Jared sucked in air and ignored the venomous glare coming from the other man.

“Jared. A word. Now.”

Jared turned to Jensen. “Jensen. I’m going to speak with Misha a moment. Um. Shelter business. Can you … wait here, please?” Jensen pointed toward the kennels. “Yeah. Sure. Go visit with Belle.”

As soon as Jensen walked away Jared followed Misha to the small office. The door barely shut before Misha laid in on him.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!”

“Misha-“

“No, Jared … this isn’t … I can’t even start with how wrong this is. What is wrong with you?! How could you do this? Not even thinking of Sandy, your goddamn girlfriend for the past six years … that man is mentally ill. To take advantage that way. Jared, he can’t consent. He doesn’t know--I can’t even believe we’re having this conversation.”

Jared was taken aback. “I don’t know what you think happened-“

Misha’s eyes narrowed to laser beams. “I’ll tell you what happened. You fucked someone who doesn’t even know he’s a human being.”

The words struck Jared like a blow. He retreated backward, ass hitting his desk. “It’s not like that. We didn’t … “

“Jesus, I saw you. You were kissing him. The sleeping bag is still laying there reeking like goddamn sex. It’s exactly like that.”

Jared’s anger flared. “No! It is not. I didn’t … It didn’t get that far. But you know what … even if it did … it’s none of your business. That man, as you called him, has a name. And I’d never, never do anything Jensen didn’t agree to. I would never hurt him. The fact that you could even think this … “ He swallowed air quickly. His hip still hurt from last night and he rubbed it absentmindedly.

Misha caught the motion and softened. “Does it hurt?”

Jared ignored the question. Misha’s words swirled through him. Fuck. Could there be anything to what the other man said? He knew he hadn’t forced Jensen into anything. But Jared also knew how vulnerable Jen was. He’d even questioned himself about this.

Misha interrupted his thoughts. “Jared. I … I’m sorry I yelled. I know you’d never … You’re the most compassionate person I’ve ever met. Your heart is like a well that doesn’t quit. It’s why I love you. But you have to separate your need to save from other feelings.”

“You think I want to save Jensen?”

“Don’t you?”

Jared didn’t answer. He walked past Misha and went to check on his friend. Alison caught him before he entered the back area. “He insisted. Said he wanted to help.”

He pushed through the swinging door. Jensen was deep inside a cage, cleaning it out. Jared passed the five cages he’d already cleaned. Fresh paper was laid out. The dog was brushed, fresh water in place. “Ally. Give us a minute in private, okay?”

She stepped out and Jared approached Jensen just as he backed out and filled a large trash bag. He seemed surprised to run into Jared.

“Helping,” he said matter of factly.

“I can see that.”

“Okay,” Jensen said turning to the next cage.

“Wait.” Jared pulled Jensen’s arm and made him face him again. He slipped the hood down and tipped Jensen’s head up so that he could see his eyes. It was a testament to how far they’d come that Jensen hardly reacted to this. “Thank you.”

Something indescribable and unforgettable filled those gorgeous eyes before Jensen’s face broke into a smile that warmed Jared to his core.

Jared returned to the front as Jensen put his hood back up and returned to work. He met Misha’s questioning gaze and realized that he honestly didn’t know how to answer him. He didn’t know if he wanted to save Jensen or wanted Jensen to save him. And he no longer knew if there was a difference.



Jared stared at the phone for a long moment before dialing.

“Officer Morgan?” Jared repeated even though the deep voice had already stated his name.

“Yes. Can I help you?”

“This is … Jared Padalecki. We met a few days ago in front of my building. My friend was sitting outside my apartment house. He … you thought he was indigent. He wore a hoodie and, um, growled.”

“I remember Mr. Padalecki. But I thought you said he was your cousin.”

“Jared. Um. Call me Jared. Look, I … was hoping maybe you’d be willing to meet with me. Things aren’t what they seem with Jensen. Officer Morgan I could use your help.”

“I could give you the name of a good doctor-“

“No. That’s not. Please, can we meet? It would be easier to explain in person.”

There was hesitation. Then, “My shift ends at eight tonight. Do you know the midtown Starbucks on the east side of Sixth? Diagonal from the fountains?”

“Yeah. I’ll be there. Thanks.”

He looked up and Alison was staring at him. “Yeah?”

“I … there’s nothing to do. Jensen cleaned all the cages and put out water and food.”

Jared smiled. He was well aware of Jensen’s efficiency. “I’ve got some paperwork to finish … maybe you can start taking them for walks?” Alison smiled and turned away. “Where’s Jensen now?”

“I don’t know. He left.”

Jared jumped up. “What?”

Alison took a step back. “He … left Jared. I didn’t know I was supposed to keep him here. He said goodbye.” Her voice was shaky and Jared was instantly sorry he’d snapped at her.

“It’s okay … I just. I’m sorry.” He ran his hand through his hair fighting down the frustration. Jensen was an adult. And free. He could come and go as he pleased. He didn’t owe Jared anything. He turned back to Ally. “Did he … say anything … leave any message for me?”

Alison looked at him with worry. “No. He just said, ‘Jensen go now.’ I … took that as goodbye.”

Misha approached, kept his voice low. “Don’t expect too much.”

“I’m not … I don’t know what you mean.”

“Jared … “ Misha walked back inside and Jared followed. Alison disappeared toward the cages and the men were alone. “It’s not like you can have a normal … relationship with him. He’s been alone a long time. The way he hides all the time. Jared, Jensen is a disturbed man.”

Jared knew that Misha meant well. He knew his friend cared about him. But he didn’t understand. Why was it that nobody understood? “I saw him.”

Blue eyes pierced him. “You mean without-?”

“Yeah. This morning there was just enough light … he-he’s beautiful Misha. I can’t even begin to describe … But it’s so much more than just his face. I don’t know what happened to him. Someone told him he was ugly. Someone terrorized him. And he believed it. I need to find out what happened. I want to give him back his life.”

“At the risk of losing yours? Jared, he’s a human being. All people are complicated but he comes with a set of issues that-“

Jared turned, met the shorter man’s eyes, his words coming out in a rush. “I know that. It’s just that someone did this to him. And nobody deserves that. Nobody deserves to believe themselves unworthy of compassion. Nobody should believe they are too beastly to be seen. To be … cared for.” He paused. Slowed down. “Misha, I’m not giving up my life. I just want to help Jensen find his.”

“And if you succeed?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if you find who he is? What if it’s not what you expect?”

“You’re wrong. I already know who he is. We’re just going to track down who he was.”

“Semantics.”

“Maybe. His last memories date back about ten years. A witch cursed him and told him he was a beast. Told him he was ugly. A monster.”

Misha stared at him incredulously. “A witch.”

“That’s right. And I’m going to break that curse.”

Jared was met with a half laugh. “Right. But you’re not trying to save him, are you?”



Officer Morgan stood as soon as he spotted Jared approaching. Jared took the man’s outstretched hand and returned the firm shake. It was unusual to be just about eye-to-eye with someone. Morgan was tall and broad, with a striking, angular face and neat salt and pepper beard. His deep brown eyes swept over him. Jared felt like all his secrets were instantly revealed. He fought back a blush and took a seat opposite the police officer.

“Mr. Padalecki, what can I do for you?”

“Please, call me Jared.”

“Jared. Okay. Then please call me Jeff.” The officer waited expectantly for Jared to get to the point. He picked up his coffee cup. “Do you want to get some coffee?”

It was chickenshit, but Jared rose quickly and took the few extra minutes of ordering and retrieving his latte to pull his thoughts together. All too soon he took his seat again and met the other man’s questioning dark stare.

Jared started with the truth. “Jensen is not family.” Jeff’s eyebrows rose but he said nothing. “I met him recently. These men dropped him off at the shelter I run. The Safe Refuge over on 12th? It’s an animal shelter.” Jeff said nothing, clearly waiting for more. Jared sipped his latte, took a deep breath and then continued. “I tried to get him into a homeless shelter but there are these waiting lists. It was late on a Friday … nobody had an open bed. I couldn’t … I couldn’t just send him back to the streets. Those men … hadn’t treated him well. So I helped him out some. Let him clean up.”

Jeff interrupted. “Look. Kid. I can see you mean well but that man needs medical attention. There are lots of reasons why someone can end up homeless, from debts to gambling to a plain ol’ spell of bad luck. But when it gets chronic like that it’s almost always mental illness or drug or alcohol dependence or all three.”

“No! Jensen doesn’t drink. Doesn’t do drugs. It’s not like that. That’s why … please, let me explain.” The officer’s brows rose at Jared’s raised tone. Jared immediately lowered his voice. “Offic-Jeff, something happened to Jensen years ago. Someone … damaged him. And I want to find out … I was hoping you could maybe help me find out who he was.”

“Who he was?” Jeff asked.

“Yes. His memory starts ten years ago.” Jared stopped and looked Jeff directly in the eyes, searching for something, anything, that would show him that the other man could possibly accept this. “This will sound crazy,” he said finally.

Jeff’s lips quirked in a smile. “I’ve been a cop a long time. Nothing sounds crazy to me anymore.”

Jared took a deep breath and made a decision. “A witch cursed Jensen. Turned him into a beast. When he looks in a mirror he sees a monster. Only … he’s not a monster. He’s … normal …” Jared fought back a hysterical laugh at the understatement but there was only so much he could share and telling this straight as a board policeman that Jared thought Jensen was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen probably wasn’t the brightest idea.

Jeff’s eyes darkened and he looked around a moment. “Did someone put you up to this? Because, really it’s not funny.”

God, Jeff thought it was a joke. “No. Please. Jensen told me this himself. I know how it sounds, but-“

Jeff’s voice got soft and he leaned in as he spoke. “It sounds like the delusions of a mentally ill individual who should be getting psychiatric attention. Like I said on the phone. I can recommend some doctors over at County who are very compassionate.”

“It’s not a delusion. Something happened to him ten years ago. Someone really told him this.”

“How do you know this?”

“I … I just do. I felt … on his head … there’s some scarring on his scalp, hidden by his hair. I think he hurt his head. It’s why he speaks like he does. Not like a delusional person. But like someone who suffered a brain trauma.”

“And the brain trauma is why he believes he’s a character in a fairy tale?”

Jared looked sheepish. He was out of his element. It was all gut feeling and instinct and he had no proof of anything. Except. He knew. “I know my evidence is scanty … “

“More like nonexistent.”

“Look. He had a memory the other day. I … called him Jen. You know, I shortened his name and it triggered this … almost seizure or something. When he came to he remembered someone from before the witch.”

Jeff swilled down the last of his coffee and looked at his watch. “Look. I don’t know what you think I could do. I’m not a medical doctor. Your … friend … needs a doctor. A psychiatrist. Therapy. Medication.”

“No! He, needs his past back. His life. I was hoping you could take his fingerprints and run them through the system or whatever … help find him. There might be missing people reports we could match them up to, right? I don’t … I don’t know where to begin on this. I’ve never done anything like it. I mean, I take care of dogs and cats all day - this is … Please, Officer Morgan.”

The officer stared at him a long moment before sighing audibly. “Where is Jensen now? Is he staying with you?”

Jared looked down. “No. I … don’t live alone and Sandy and I … she wouldn’t … He … Jensen was at the shelter but then he left. He’s a free man. I don’t … he comes to me when he wants.”

“If you don’t even know where he is then how-“

“I have a good idea how to find him. He’s out trying to stop some cat poisoners.”

“What?”

“Never mind. Long story. Look … I’ll bring him to you. Just tell me where and when. Only, there can’t be a lot of people around. He’s afraid of people seeing him. Which is just so ridiculous because he’s so … “

“So what?”

Jared met the other man’s stare thinking of how to possibly answer this. Gorgeous, beautiful, angelic. “Good. He’s a good guy. And he deserves his life back. Will you help us?”

Jeff considered him a long moment. Jared tried to read into his brown eyes, looking for the warmth he’d seen the day he’d met this police officer outside his building with Jensen growling at his feet. “I’m off duty day after tomorrow. Bring him round the precinct at night. Say nine o’clock. I’ll meet you on the side entrance. We’ll take his prints and run them through the computer. Will he let me take a photo?”

Jared shook his head no. “But I can take it and bring it to you. Will that be okay?”

Jeff nodded. “Look, if you’re right about how long this guy’s been, um, like this, then the trail’s pretty cold. The more he can remember the better. Try to find out all you can. Do you know if Jensen is his first name or last?”

“First.”

“He told you this?”

“No. I … just … It’s definitely a first name.”

“See if you can get a last name.”

“Yeah. I’ll try. But we can search even without one, right?”

Jeff rose and chucked his empty cup in the trash bin. “Yeah. We’ll try, okay? Good luck and I’ll see you Thursday.”

Jared wanted to hug the man but held back knowing his enthusiasm would not be appreciated. Inside he was singing because finally they were on their way. Now he needed to track down Jensen. This sobered him quickly. Convincing Jensen to be photographed and go to the police station to be fingerprinted? He sighed deeply. Would be easier to get him to perform at Carnegie Hall.



Turns out Jensen came to find Jared.

It was the next day and Jared had been processing a new arrival to the shelter. A dog, about a year old, poodle mix. No collar. Looked like a drive-by dump. Maybe the owners were moving, maybe they just got tired of their pet. Sometimes it involved a job loss or some other lifestyle change. Some people came in honestly and tearfully, begging the shelter to find their pet another home. Some couldn’t face it and just left the pet in a carrier in front of the door.

Jared didn’t understand it. He never could. He never would. The little dog had chocolate brown eyes and a yippy high-pitched bark. Her little ringlets were a dirty shade of white. She’d checked out healthy, which was a relief, and was now perched on the counter content to let Jared tickle her soft pink belly.

He glanced up as the bell above the door tinkled and couldn’t help the huge smile that filled his face.

“Jensen.”

Jensen sauntered up holding out a clear plastic bag with something silver within. “Proof,” he said firmly.

Jared jumped around the counter. “You found food containers?” His stomach clenched in fear that Jensen had returned to the restaurant, had faced the wrath of those men again. “Did anyone see you? Are you okay?”

Jensen was hiding behind his hood again, in the pale morning light Jared could only see shadow. This wouldn’t do.

“Dammit. C’mon back with me.” Jared picked up the little dog and moved swiftly through the swinging door to the interior. He heard footsteps behind him.

Once the poodle was back in her cage Jared turned back to Jensen. “Misha will be late. He’s at the dentist. We’re alone.” Jared suddenly wondered how it was that Jensen’s teeth seemed in such good shape when clearly he’d hadn’t had access to care. There were so many things he couldn’t understand about Jensen. But first things first. “How are you?”

Jensen’s head tilted. And then, he pulled his hood down.

Jared’s breath caught. Jensen had never done this on his own before. Something happened to him when their eyes met. Something he couldn’t describe. Didn’t really understand. He hadn’t even realized he’d moved before his hands gripped the sides of Jensen’s face and tilted him up to meet his lips. Yielding and warm and everything. The bagged food container fell to the ground with a soft plop as Jensen’s arms instinctively lifted and curled around the back of Jared’s head. The kiss deepened as Jensen moaned softly, lips rubbing eagerly against each other’s as their bodies pressed tighter.

Jensen tasted of coffee and sunshine and toothpaste and want.

Jared sucked in air and buried his face into Jensen’s neck, mumbling, “God, what do you do to me?”

Jensen pulled back. His eyes were moist as he looked at him with an expression somewhere between awe and worship and Jared wondered what his own eyes were reflecting back. Jared watched Jensen regain control, saw the deep breath fill his chest, his eyes force themselves from Jared’s as he reached down for the bag he’d dropped.

They were going to have to talk about this eventually. But for now … “You think this is poisoned?” Jared asked as he took the bag from Jensen’s hand.

“Yes.” Jensen met his eyes again and they narrowed in anger. “Found another cat. Dead.”

“Damn. I … I’m sorry you had to … but Jensen, you shouldn’t have gone back there by yourself. Those men … they nearly killed you last time. And I … “

A hand wrapped around his arm. “I am fine. Made promise.” Jared looked at him questioningly. “Made Jared promise to be safe. Careful was.” He shook his head searching for words, his face scrunched in concentration. “No. Was careful.” He squeezed his hand a little tighter around Jared’s bicep. “Jared care.”

Jared cupped Jensen’s face because he seemed unable to stop touching him. He smiled. “Yeah, Jen, I care.” He leaned in to give him another soft kiss. “I care a whole lot.”

The front door tinkled and Jared jumped back as Sandy’s voice called Jared’s name. Jensen pulled away and raised his hood almost in one movement. “Jensen leave,” he uttered quickly, reverting to third person.

“No. Wait. I have to talk to you about something-“

“Jared. There you-“ Sandy stood staring, mouth still open about to shape words that never came. Instead she uttered a soft “Oh.” It took a moment for her to compose herself but she pulled it together quickly.

“I was hoping we could talk,” she said by way of greeting. Her eyes rose to catch his. “How’ve you been?” Before Jared could answer Sandy turned to Jensen. “Jensen,” she said softly. “Would you mind if I speak to Jared privately?”

Her unexpected politeness disarmed Jared so completely he had to swallow hard before speaking. He smiled at Sandy, trying to show with his face how much it meant to him that she’d treated Jensen with respect. Years of their shared history crashed down on him, like a weight on his chest.

Jensen looked back and forth between them a long moment. His head tilted down. Jared felt like a magician had sliced his body in half. No matter what he did he’d only be half whole. “Jensen, I’ll have the food tested. And I really do need to talk to you about something. Come back later. I’ll be here ... “ Sandy’s intense stare made him aware of the importance of his next words. He needed to speak to Sandy. Needed to figure out what he was doing with his life. “ … until we close at seven. Come back around then. Please.”

Jensen didn’t say anything. It hardly sounded like he was breathing. Until suddenly he darted toward the back door.

There was a moment when the world stopped. Sandy’s eyes bore into him and he knew what walking away from her would mean, how much harder it would make things. But Jensen was leaving. He supposed it was a choice, only it didn’t feel like one.

“Jensen wait.” He turned to Sandy. “I … I have to … I’ll be right back.”

He chased after the retreating gray figure. Jared caught up to Jensen in the alley behind the shelter. He grabbed his arm and was startled by a deep returning growl. He jerked his arm away. “Stop a moment, please. Talk to me.”

“Jared. Nothing to say. Girl back. Beast go.”

“No. You can’t … I found someone who can help. I need you to … trust me.” He barely got the words out. Everything Misha accused him of came flashing back. His behavior was inexcusable. Reprehensible. He should never have touched this man. Oh god. How had it gone so far? “I’m sorry,” he mumbled because he didn’t know what else to say.

“No sorry,” Jensen said softly. “Jared good.”

Jared stared at him but all he saw was shadow. Jared didn’t feel good. He felt like he was the monster. Jensen started walking away. “No. Wait. You have to meet me here tomorrow night. We … do you remember the police officer from the other night? He … he’s a good guy Jensen. Really. And he promised to help us … help you figure out who you were.”

Jensen shook his head and kept walking.

Jared felt desperate. He pulled out his secret weapon. “Jen. Wait. Please.” Jensen stopped. “See. Whenever I call you that you … Before this. Before the Beast … you were someone else. Let’s find out. Officer Morgan can help. Unofficially. He just wants to take your fingerprints. We’ll go together. I’ll be with you the whole time.”

Jensen didn’t reply. For a hopeless moment Jared thought that he’d lost. That Jensen would walk away and he’d never see him again. The thought felt black. Not like night. Like a void.

“Go to girl,” Jensen said firmly. “She wait.”

“Jensen … “ He spoke the name in a rush, like a prayer.

The pause seemed interminable this time. “Will return.”

Jared didn’t say or do anything this time as Jensen walked away without ever looking back.

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