Collide: Aftermath
Aftermath
Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don’t belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.
Every movement required a prayer to hold on to what was left of her. Finally, the queen felt numb, at least enough to open her eyes. She stared at the ceiling, not really seeing anything, her mind devoid of any thought. Susan blinked when her eyes felt dry and breathed when her lungs asked for it. She waited for the waves of pain to crash on her but they never came for she did not allow her mind to reach for the memories. One by one she locked out every emotion, a skill she had learned back in London and mastered only now. She chose to exist in the moment than to live for it was the only way to shut out the pain.
Her entire body ached, from the unnatural fetal position she cradled herself in as she wept to the wounds that had not yet healed. But the pain that kept her from rising to face the day was the knowledge that all hope for a future with the king had been extinguished. Unlike when she was in London, it was no longer just because she was not in Narnia but a fact because he was betrothed to someone else.
The light slowly filtered into her room as the sun rose gloriously over her new home, urging her softly to go on with her life. Her reluctance to do so was evident when she finally decided to sit up and let her feet touch the floor. One foot before the other, she walked slowly to her personal bathroom.
Everything was laid out for her-clothes, a circlet and a warm bath. None of these held her attention like the mirror by the side of the room. She walked towards it, enthralled by the stranger that faced her. Tear stains on both cheeks, eyes rimmed red and a blank look on the face. The lady in the mirror tilted her head when she did, reached out with her hand when the queen did, and traced the image of the sadness on the mirror at the same time.
Susan forced her lips into a smile but the mask she wore was not yet strong enough and it crumpled as the tears fell again. She sank to the floor, her knees folding beneath her as they did the night before. The day had not even started and already she was exhausted.
“Enough,” she whispered.
Susan’s palms faced the floor as she pushed herself up, forcing herself once more to face the mirror.
“Enough!” she said forcefully, her eyes blazing
In a sudden fit of rage, she stripped down all her garments as if they were suffocating her, grasping the clothing until she was free of it. Susan gasped when she saw in the mirror the state of her wounds. Patches of blue, yellow and purple where the skin did not break but were bruised badly, streaks of deep red where wounds were slowly healing and matted spots of bright red where blood had seeped out from cuts that were still too fresh.
The queen clenched her fists in an effort to control her rage. She blamed her foolishness for all of this-the pain she inflicted on herself, on Caspian and the innocent one. Ah, the unnamed woman who had captured her king’s heart. She smiled bitterly thinking to herself how she can compare to a spotless woman, seemingly more gentle than the queen named so herself. She looked and felt as scarred as if she waged a battle alone.
She lowered herself into the bath, hissing as the water touched the cuts on her body. Susan scrubbed furiously wanting to erase all the traces of all that she had endured in the past few days. She wanted to drown out all the voices in her head that taunted her, at the cost of even more physical pain as she cleaned her wounds. It was easier, she realized, to concentrate on the physical throbbing of her injuries than the one in her heart.
The queen watched as the water turned pink, evidence of her suffering-the blood she sacrificed to be in Narnia, to return to the king. She rose and put on the clothes laid out for her, making sure it was on perfectly. For everyone to believe the charade she will be forced to put on the moment she stepped out the door, she had to play the part as if it were truth. She put the circlet on her head and looked herself over in the mirror. Save for the empty expression in her eyes, she could almost recognize Queen Susan the Gentle. Almost.
The king had every intention of continuing with his routine-breakfast with Seraphina, an endless array of meetings and the like with his council and then some time alone for physical training. It was supposed to be just one of those days, when things were slow and he could afford to go through the motions without worrying too much.
But things never go as planned, not always anyway. He stepped out of his room to see the queen turn the corner, seemingly in a hurry. Instinctively, he became alert, fearing she was running away or that she was chasing some danger or another. He picked up his pace, half sprinting after her. He was about to call to her when he saw her stop to ask one of the guards something-directions, he assumed.
He followed her out, staying a few steps behind her, hidden from view but close enough to observe that she was slightly limping. It bothered him but he grew more curious about the direction they were headed. He smiled when finally she stopped in the middle of an archery practice field, picking up the closest bow and arrows she could find.
The place was still. It was early enough that no one was eager to train and the queen had all the luxury in the world to take aim. Caspian watched from under the shade of a large tree, still away from her sight. His smiled dimmed, as she put down her bow, unable to fire. The smile faded completely as he watched her take shot after shot, missing the target completely, hitting it anywhere but the bulls-eye.
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Trumpkin approach and he held up his hand to stop the dwarf from disturbing the queen. He saw his friend’s eye widen in surprise at the sight of the queen, as she grew more and more frustrated with every shot she missed. The king shook his head and walked towards Susan.
“Master Trumpkin,” Caspian said softly, hesitating, “I’ll bring her to breakfast. Just please keep Seraphina company for now”
“I’ll make this right, please just give me a few minutes with her,” were the unspoken words that Trumpkin understood as he nodded and turned around.
King Caspian took a deep breath and aimed, hitting the target dead center-her target. The queen gasped but willed herself from turning around to face whoever shot the arrow. Susan closed her eyes, counted to ten before opening them again and walking towards the target. She pulled out each of her arrows, doing it slowly, leaving the one the king fired for last.
Caspian followed her and retrieved his own weapon.
“Good shot,” she said by way of greeting, the corners of her mouth turning upwards with Herculean effort on her part.
“Thank you. I had a good teacher, the best in all the history of Narnia.” Caspian said simply, hoping she would hear the thinly veiled compliment
Out of habit or maybe in that second she forgot her sorrows, Susan laughed out loud, a sound that rang so true that Caspian could not help but join in. A warmth spread through them; connecting them again in a way only few people could understand. The queen glimpsed their old and easy friendship, holding to that image hoping that it would be enough for her to get by.
“May I request that you join us for breakfast?” he said, unable to keep the hopefulness in his voice as he half expected her to turn him down.
She nodded and walked beside him, ignoring the arm the king offered for her to take. The king took no offense knowing her stubborn nature well enough. Then, he noticed it again, the slight limp as she favored her right leg.
“Your majesty, are you hurt? You’re limping.” Caspian inquired as concern clouded his features
“What? No.” Susan said waving it off, “Just slept the wrong way that’s all. It should go away soon enough.”
He nodded but she knew he didn’t believe her. She sighed and offered a more acceptable answer, closer to the truth but still not revealing it.
“I’ll tell you someday. I…I’m not ready to tell you yet but when I am, we’ll make a day out of my storytelling. Maybe we’ll even laugh about it, just not today. Please.” Susan said, trying to sound light about it for she didn’t want to see him care anymore. It wouldn’t help her now to know that he still had feelings for her.
They entered the dining hall much as two acquaintances would, with enough distance between them to signify to an unwitting observer that there was nothing beyond friendship there. To the future bride and to the dear little friend, they saw the unnatural image of two people resisting the magnetic pull that drew them together.
Seraphina and Trumpkin stood as they entered, heads bowed in respect. Caspian gestured for all of them to sit down, introducing the two women formally. He did not watch Susan who proceeded to take the farthest seat away from him, beside Trumpkin. They began the meal in silence, each one taking a portion of the food they desired. The queen watched the other woman as she served Caspian in a practiced manner, obviously knowing what the king liked best or what he preferred to stay away from. He behaved the same way, pushing more food to her, quietly noting that she is too thin.
Normalcy. Domesticity. These were the words that popped into Susan’s mind as she watched the exchange that the couple did not even notice anymore. She gripped her fork tightly trying to fight her emotions from getting the best of her as she saw before her what she missed when she left. She saw how she never had the chance to get to know him on this level, the kind that you only understand after time spent together in peace. Her heart ached for she did not know how his normal day was, what interests occupied his mind or the simple thing of favorites. It was not something you learn when everything around you is fraught with urgency of living from one moment to the next, when the threat of death hung in the air you breathed.
Trumpkin placed a hand lightly on hers, a small gesture to remind her to loosen her hold on the utensil in her hand. In a move to diffuse the mounting tension, the dwarf spoke candidly about plans for a new library for the school the king had founded in honor of his professor.
“It should be quite interesting, for the Telmarine children to finally learn about the entire history of Narnia. Don’t you think so Queen Susan?” Trumpkin said, nudging her to join the conversation.
“Yes quite interesting.” Susan nodded, saying only what she felt was necessary
The dwarf rolled his eyes, exasperated with her reaction. He knew his friend was better than this. She was stronger than this and it did not sit well with him that she wasn’t even trying.
“I want to rebuild Cair Paravel, with your permission my queen.” King Caspian said quietly eliciting three different reactions in one statement
Trumpkin was ecstatic. It a project worthy of jubilation, and certainly this would be something that would help his queen recover. He heartily approved the suggestion with a slam of his fist on the table.
Seraphina’s ears only heard how the king addressed Susan. My queen. A term that he was supposed to be using for her by this time, but instead she was once again forced to wait. She pursed her lips and did not react for this was something that came with her decision to love him still. She had to accept him, for all the good in him, his imperfections and his history-including his love for the Gentle Queen. She merely allowed her eyes to search for the other woman’s take on what the king said.
Susan’s eyes widened as she heard the same words the star’s daughter did and it made her heart soar for a brief second before it crashed once more. But what brought tears to her eyes was the offer to rebuild her old home, the old glory she shared with her brothers and sister. It was a link to her past, to the family she left behind and the king’s way of mending her heart. It was something so beautiful in her mind that her own refusal shocked her.
“I cannot give it,” Susan heard herself say. It took a few moments to recover but she was able to reconcile the thoughts to her words.
“The gesture is generous and much appreciated, your majesty, but I refuse on the account of the perfectly functional structure you have here and the resources you will take away from more important matters that will build this kingdom will be far to great a sacrifice if only to resurrect what is already in the past. King Caspian, Cair Paravel has served its purpose and time itself has allowed it to fall to let another stronghold be the beacon of hope for this kingdom. There is no need to live in the shadow of the past, we must all move on.” Susan said meaningfully, rising as she said her parting words.
The queen nodded her head and left them, leaving a trail of unanswered questions in her wake. Seraphina was astounded for never had it crossed her mind to openly contradict the king even when she felt that he was wrong. She never had the courage to speak so openly before him. The star’s daughter, who was highly regarded never felt equal to the king whom she adored. And though she was no longer the reigning monarch of Narnia, Queen Susan had no troubles telling King Caspian exactly what she thought for she had the king’s respect. Caspian trusted Susan. It was as simple as that. It was a reminder of the bonds forged in battle, when they fought side by side, knowing how it was to listen to commands, to read the actions and what was being said between the lines. It was something Seraphina could never touch, even if she spent a thousand and three hundred years with Caspian. She would never be able to even touch the vow Caspian and Susan made to protect each other’s lives when they battled the tyrant.
“Your majesty,” Trumpkin began, “surely you can convince Queen Susan? I’m sure she’ll see the merits of the proposal given enough time.”
Seraphina cleared her throat, speaking calmly to sound as neutral as she could, “Yes my king, I think we should try again. Perhaps in a few days, when the shock of recent events have died down.”
The king shook his head, “No. Leave her be. She has said her piece, I choose to respect that and I’ll only act if she changes her mind on her own accord.”
Silence reigned over the table as Caspian stood up to leaved, disturbed by the turn of events but determined to follow the lead of Queen Susan-an almost direct order to move on. And so he shall.
Seraphina sat quietly before the dwarf who seemed unsure if it was alright to abandon the lady before him. Clearing his throat, he made a gesture with his hand as if to say he was going as well but Seraphina chose that moment to ask something that has been bothering her.
“Master Trumpkin, wait.” Seraphina requested as she composed herself, “I just need to know. The horn that the king always has on him, does it belong to Queen Susan?”
It was a question the dwarf did not expect and failed to understand the significance to the daughter of Ramandu.
“Please tell me, “ she pleaded.
“Yes,” the dwarf said nodding slowly, “it belonged to her but she’s left it in his possession since.”
“Thank you.” Seraphina said quietly, a smile on her face designed to mask the crestfallen expression she wore inside
She had heard of the legend of how it would call back the kings and queens of old but what she witnessed everyday was the hope of a man latched on that object, that it might somehow have enough magic left to bring back the one person he truly loved. A tear fell from her eye as she realized he wore it when he first met her, when he brought her back to his castle, when he showed her his kingdom, and even when he stood before all of Narnia waiting to marry her, that horn was tied securely to him.
Susan counted everything. She watched the seconds turn into minutes, then into hours until it became seven days since she returned. It was useless activity save for the fact that it numbed her a bit to treat her life as something that could be measured, something that did not require feeling to operate.
She did this mostly when she had to be around the king and his wife-to-be, which in her opinion should be limited only to approximately thirty minutes per day-breakfast. Susan felt that life would have been more bearable if she did not have to eat supper with them or attend council meetings with the King, at the urging of the Narnians. She could not refuse her people who loved her as if she never left them. So she endured it, championing their causes, trying to understand their sentiments and threw all her efforts in catching up with their lives to leave her own behind.
In turn, Seraphina did her best to soothe the king’s troubled mind by caring for him the only way she knew how. She made things easier for him, preparing things he would need and ensuring that he got enough rest, turning away lords and knights who wished to consult him during the late hours. She listened to him patiently, reminding him about the things he had promised to people and telling him the words he needed to hear.
But she knew this was not enough, for the king’s source of true comfort lay in knowing that Queen Susan was untroubled. At first, she thought of reaching out to the queen, speaking with her and becoming her friend, but this was to test her own goodness severely. Her heart was not that kind, nor was she that unselfish. Instead, she chose a more discreet path and simply had her ladies in waiting prepare what the queen needed without her having to ask. They were instructed to know her habits and follow them well so they could anticipate her needs. At least physically, the queen would not want for anything and this was the best Seraphina could promise to her king.
They circled each other, exchanging pleasantries only when necessary. A situation Seraphina felt she was beginning to accept but which agitated Susan more and more as the days passed.
On the seventh night, Susan watched the stars from her balcony as she repeated in her mind the steps she need to take to free all of them from the prison they had created for themselves. Part of her, at least she believed, knew that when she saw Caspian about to marry Seraphina she would have to leave. She knew that she needed to close this chapter of their lives for both their sakes. Susan only prayed she had the courage to leave him again and this time knowing she has nothing to return to.
With a resolute sigh, Susan left her room and sought the tree from which her family left years ago. She knew that Caspian went there to think, an observation she formed in the last few days, feeling a bit of glory at finally discovering something she was sure even Ramandu’s daughter did not know.
True enough, Susan found Caspian sitting in front of the tree as if waiting for answers that would never come. Without a sound, she sat next to him, waiting for him to acknowledge her presence.
The king closed his eyes wanting her to leave for he knew in his heart that she came for a reason, one that would cause him anxiety and distress for he would no longer be able to watch over her.
“Please don’t ignore me.” Susan said quietly
“I need to. I don’t want to hear the words you came to say.” Caspian said sounding much like a lost child.
“We can’t keep living like this, as if we’re fragile and we’re just waiting for the moment that one of us will break. When that happens, we won’t recover from that and you know it.” Susan said gently
“What’s wrong with wanting to keep you here? You’re queen of Narnia, you should be here.” Caspian argued
“Is that all?”
“What’s wrong with keeping you safe?” he said
“When it’s you who wants it, who does it and shows the world why you’re doing it-that’s what’s wrong. Caspian, you’re not free anymore. This is wrong. The longer we delay this, the more hurt we inflict on each other and Seraphina, who is innocent.” Susan said
They stayed silent for a while. Caspian cleared his throat to speak but hesitated and remained silent.
Susan smiled and turned to face him, “It’s only me Caspian. Speak your mind.”
“It does not have anything to say that will be easy to hear. I do not wish to hurt you.”
“I know but it needs to be said. I’ll be strong. I can take it.” Susan lied, smiling like she practiced when she was alone
“I will always love you,” he said still facing the tree that swayed with the wind that blew through them, “and I miss you now even as you are next to me for I cannot hold you they way I need to. Because of my actions, I have rendered myself useless to the point that I am no longer free to put my arms around you until all the pain is washed away.”
Caspian lifted his hand as if to place it on her shoulder but he took it away when she flinched away from his touch, not wanting to feel again how she did when he gave his hand to her the day he saved her.
“I apologize, my queen, for not having enough faith that we would meet again. I’m sorry I wasn’t a stronger man and I wasn’t able to wait,” he paused to steady his voice, “Susan, I’m sorry I did not try hard enough to fight to be with you, to follow you and to love you the way my heart still tells me to.”
Susan closed her eyes, taking deep breaths, as she waited for her world to stop spinning. This was her closure, the words she needed to sustain her for the rest of her life in Narnia. It was time to finish their story before they lost the will to do so.
“It’s time to stop trying Caspian.” Queen Susan said her voice breaking as she placed a hand his, “There is nothing that needs forgiveness but if you wish it then it is yours.”
“I will always love you,” she continued, “I came back for you but it just didn’t turn out like I thought it would. It’s enough for me that I saw you again, alive and well. Whether you can believe it or not, I am happy that you have moved on and that my leaving didn’t prevent you from living the life Aslan intended for you.”
Susan took a deep breath to keep the tears from falling, “But the fact remains, our love is not enough to repair all the hurt inflicted when I returned. We dishonor your word, her love for you and Aslan’s will for me to grow in my world if we force what only the two of us will be content with. We’re no longer right for each other, my king.”
“It never would have worked anyway,” Caspian said, smiling softly remembering her parting words.
“And I guess it never will,” Susan continued, smiling as well, lifting her hand from his.
They sat there for hours wanting the night to last forever, knowing the morning will even be harder than before. It was Susan who stood up first, determined to follow through her plan.
“Your majesty, there is one last request I need to make, as an old friend. I hope you do not refuse.” Susan said formally.
“Anything,” Caspian said honestly, feeling he could give her anything she wished at that moment.
“I wish to set out for Aslan’s How in the morning, and for that I ask to borrow Destrier, your horse. I am to go alone.” Susan said
Caspian nodded. He reached out and held her arm preventing her from leaving just yet.
“It’s time I return this to you,” he said handing her horn back
It was the last piece of her he held and she had always believed that it would forever be his. Susan did not bother hiding her tears as she picked up the horn from his palm, seeing how empty it was and how much she wanted to fill it with her own hand.
Acting on impulse, Caspian reached out and pulled her into his arms, letting her cry as much as she needed. He memorized how she felt, how she smelled, how she sounded and how perfectly she fit into him. This was enough to last him for as long as he lived. He just needed to say one last thing.
“Whatever happens after today, whatever they tell you or even what you hear from my own lips, none of it will change what I told you tonight. I love you Susan. I always will. Nothing will change that.”
“I know.” Susan said, giving him one final kiss much like the last, the perfect goodbye.
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