Collide: Breathe
Breathe
Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don’t belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.
The queen felt like a fugitive, cloaked in black and fleeing before the sun rose over the Telmarine castle. She walked briskly towards the stables and searched for the horse that the king loaned to her. Susan took a deep breath before approaching Destrier, hoping she wouldn’t frighten him. The horse became alert as she neared; relaxing only when he sensed it was an old friend, one whom his master trusted completely.
“We meet again old friend,” Susan said soothingly as she stroked his mane, “I need your help to get to Aslan’s How. I need your help to get away, old friend, so I can learn to breathe again.”
Destrier lowered himself in response, allowing the queen to fix the saddle and mount the horse without any difficulty. They weren’t fully out of the stable when she heard movement behind her, another set of hooves trailing them. Susan turned around to face Seraphina atop a white steed, her face angelic but melancholy. The lady bowed her head as she offered the queen a small apologetic smile.
“I apologize if I frightened you,” Ramandu’s daughter said, “I only wish to ride out with you. I have never been to Aslan’s How.”
The queen frowned at the complication in her plan but saw no reason to refuse for it was not her place to prevent anyone from paying respects to the great lion.
“You are free to do as you please and I’m grateful for the company. I only wish to warn you that I will not be riding back with you,” Susan said honestly, her voice steady and calm
Seraphina nodded and allowed her horse to walk slowly, stopping beside Destrier, “I know,” she said looking away as sadness overtook her face, “The king does not hide his heartaches well.”
The gentle queen could do nothing but clench her jaw and hold her tongue, fearing the confession that could pour out and ruin her intentions to leave. She gently guided Destrier out with the star’s daughter by her side, each second controlling the urge to simply run away from Seraphina.
They were well out of the castle grounds and almost in the woods when the sun rose above them. Susan faced the heavens to allow the sun to warm her as if hoping it would melt the ice in her heart. She felt the eyes of her companion linger on her, watching her every move and waiting for the perfect moment to speak.
“I will not bite, my lady,” Susan began, attempting to sound casual, “You are free to talk as you wish.”
“I’m sorry. It was rude to stare. I’m afraid I might offend you, but I was only wondering how you appear to be so calm-“
“-when Caspian is anything but calm,” Susan said finishing her thought. She gave a small laugh, laced with bitterness, “His innocence always managed to strip away any masks, a kind of honesty I used to only find in children. I, on the other hand, am comfortable with wearing different faces. It’s easier to make believe that maybe there’s still a happy ending.”
“Are you not angry with me?” Seraphina asked hesitantly
Susan smiled at the girl, genuinely surprised, “Am I not supposed to ask you that? After all, I was the uninvited and certainly unwelcome guest at your wedding.”
“A queen of Narnia is never an inconvenience, your majesty. The timing may not have been perfect but the honor of your return is no less brilliant, especially for those who had been hoping for so long for such a miracle.” Seraphina said quietly
“I am not angry with you,” Susan answered reluctantly, “but it would be much easier if I were. I’m sorry I’m harsh but I think you came for the truth and I’m prepared to give it.”
Ramandu’s daughter smiled, “Yes, I seek answers. The life I’m facing, I do not know if I’m ready for it. The only thing I’m sure of is that I love him. It’s everything else I struggle with, if it’s even enough. The apprehension was always there, I think, but it was pushed to the surface only when you came along. I suddenly questioned destiny-if there really was no way around fate when you seemingly found one.”
Seraphina’s face turned serious as she continued, “You were never to return, your majesty that was the truth I was raised to believe. Since I was young I saw how I would meet the man of my dreams, how he would take me to his kingdom, and how we would have a son. Every night since I met him, those visions became clearer and clearer until you came.”
“It doesn’t mean anything.” Susan said flatly
“I don’t dream anymore. There’s only the endless night and nothing more. Even shadows of the old images are gone.” Seraphina said her voice thick with emotion, the loss seemingly more real now that she has told another
“Don’t hold on to that, Seraphina,” Susan said, “Put your faith in the man who loves you.”
“Do you really believe that he loves me? Or that he ever did? He never forgot you.” Seraphina said, her pain slowly coming to the surface
Susan took it in stride, “In a different way, yes. How can he not when you picked up the pieces I left behind? If he felt a fraction of my pain when I was in that other world, then you saved him in more ways than I can thank you for.”
“Seraphina,” the queen continued, closing her eyes to will her own pain away, “You gave him a reason to stay, a hope that things could go on and him along with it. You filled his days with a brightness I never shared with him. With you, he has no fear that at any second you would be taken away and whisked off to another world.”
“He loved me because I was the one here,” Seraphina said bluntly.
“Being here isn’t something to be taken lightly, not when you’re from different worlds. It can spell the difference between life and mere existence.” Susan said softly turning away, “I didn’t say goodbye just so you can push him away.”
Ramandu’s daughter sighed, “I know. It is a grand gesture, one I believe I can never equal, much like your place in his life. I am not giving up on him but I wonder why you have, when we both know how deeply he cares for you.”
“The time I have spent with him,” Seraphina continued, “I tried to learn everything about him, wanting to help make his life better somehow. But there was a part of his life I could never touch. You were in a glass case in his life, with guards and velvet ropes to secure your memory. He lived through the memories of you, all of it, good and bad. He held on to it as if it were the very air he breathed. I don’t understand why he loved me but I know why he continues to see you in that light.”
“And why is that,” Susan heard herself ask, her voice a mere whisper that she doubted if Seraphina heard her.
“You say I gave him reason to stay. I am a step short of what you did for him, your majesty. You gave him reason to live, to be a better man and to be a good king for it was the only way he knew how to become worthy of a true queen of Narnia.”
Susan closed her eyes, as she took a deep breath, wondering how far her courage can take her. She pulled out her horn and held it before her, both of them staring at how it looked in her thin hand.
“He returned this to me and I accepted. Our story has ended, Seraphina. Just take your place next to him, he needs you. Not me,” Susan said firmly, “Come, we are here.”
The dismounted and left their horses to graze just outside the doorway to the How. It was serene, a calm descending upon the women as they entered the dark structure. Susan lit a torch and navigated her way to the Stone Table. She marveled at how things were untouched since she left-a monument to the memory of those who fought against Miraz and his army.
“Watch your step, there’s a bit of debris to your right,” Susan said warning her companion who had stopped abruptly staring at a wall.
It was the simple mural of the kings and queens of old, and another by the side of Mr. Tumnus the faun and the lone lamppost in Narnia. Susan smiled, memories of her first visit to Narnia flooding her mind. She remembered the Golden age as she traced the outlines of her siblings on the wall, wondering how uncomplicated life would have been if they lived out their lives and never returned to London. But she pulled her hand back, as if she was scalded by hot water, when the thought turned into thinking what if she had never met Caspian, and never loved him?
“Are you alright your majesty?” Seraphina asked with concern.
Susan shook her head and shrugged it off. There was nothing wrong with her; just her mind playing tricks on her, she said trying to convince herself. But the pain lingered, in her side, on her back, something burned. She brushed the feeling aside and went on to find the core of the How, sweat steadily forming on her brow.
When at last she found the table, she set the torch on a holder and went straight before it. She placed a hand on the cool surface, wishing it would ease the sensations flowing through her but instead it strengthened the whirlwind of images in her mind. Their faces all blurred together-her family, Caspian, Narnians and Aslan. Visions of her past life merging with her dreams of a future in Narnia filled her head until she could stand no longer.
Susan could not understand what was happening to her and she did not feel how she collapsed on the floor, writhing in agony. She screamed and screamed; the burning pain the only thing on her mind as her knuckles turned white as she gripped the stone table. For a split second, she recognized the trail of blood that ended just beneath her, placing a finger in the small pool. She brought her hand to her face for inspection and with horror in her eyes she looked at Seraphina before she passed out.
Seraphina was in shock wondering if there was a curse that had caused this. She ran to the queen and saw her up close for the first time. Seraphina berated herself for ignoring the slight limp, the pale and sunken eyes, and the faint scars on her hands. She held the queen in her arms, who whimpered in agony when a hand pressed on her back. Seraphina’s hands felt wet and the stench of a wound that had failed to heal filled her nostrils.
“Oh, Susan, what have you done? What did you fight to get here?” Seraphina said finally understanding the mystery of her return. Her assumptions that she returned in the same fashion she left were far from the truth, the queen’s blood proof that she had clawed her way back to for him.
Her hand trembled as she tried to shift Susan to a more comfortable position, whispering apologies along the way as the queen shook in pain. Seraphina felt helpless as she tore the hem of her skirt to wipe the moisture on the face of the queen as she trembled in her state. It was then that her eyes glimpsed hope-the horn of the gentle queen, strapped to her side. Quickly, she fumbled to get it out and blew it hard has she could, wishing its promise held true that help would come for the dying queen.
The king was running before the sound faded into an echo. Only Susan’s horn could create such a haunting sound, letting cold dread find its way through his body. Caspian allowed his body to move on pure adrenaline, not pausing to think about the certain peril the queen faced-the only reason she would ever dare call for help.
Trumpkin, Glenstorm, and Professor Cornelius all recognized the sound, fear paralyzing them momentarily before speeding off after the king. Caspian spurred his horse to go faster, not caring about those who followed him, a singular goal in his mind. He had to reach her.
Without thinking he went into the direction of Aslan’s How, his body registering the distance of the sound as his heart remembered her last request. He concentrated on the path ahead of him, the feel of the wind against his face and the speed at which he went. He ignored the panic that rose in him as the distance grew shorter, trying to block out the thought of not making it in time.
When he caught sight of Destrier, he jumped off his horse and ran the rest of the way not even noticing his horse’s white companion. Without a light to guide him, he felt his way through listening intently for Susan.
“Susan!” he yelled, “Where are you?”
“In here!” came a voice he could not place in his frantic state
“Susan!” Caspian yelled again, following the sound of the voice. Finally he saw the faint light of a torch and hurried into the room.
“Oh no,” he whispered as he stopped in his tracks finally seeing the limp form of the queen on the ground.
He ran to her and lifted her in his arms. The queen eyes were tightly shut but protested with a loud scream at the pain of being jostled. Alarmed, Caspian laid her down once more, as gently as he could. It was when his arms left her that he saw they were stained a deep red, a color that triggered so much fear in him that he fought to catch his breath.
Seraphina tried to touch him, tried to speak to him but Caspian saw no one else but the queen. She bit her lip and reminded herself that this was not about her and that the important thing was to save the queen but she could not stop the smallest pain as he brushed her aside to give Susan room to breathe.
“Your majesty,” Professor Cornelius said gently, “let us take a look at her so we can help her. Please. We must act swiftly.”
His instinct to protect her made him want to shield Susan from everyone else. He trusted no one else with her life but the sympathy in his dear professor’s eyes enabled him to let go of her. He watched as the old man traced the scars on her arms, injuries he blamed himself for not asking her about. He had seen them but chose not to push her into telling. He should have asked about her limp over and over until she told him the truth, before it was too late.
“The wound is on her back,” Seraphina said stepping forward, kneeling in front of the queen, trying gently as she could to open the back of the dress to show them a deep cut-days old and already infected.
“It is not healing as it should and it is poisoning her body,” Seraphina said gently, looking up at the centaur pleading with him to explain what the queen had gone through, knowing he could read the truth in her eyes.
“Your majesty, these wounds, if I’m right, are from the journey of the queen to return to us,” Glenstorm began, receiving nods of encouragement from Ramandu’s daughter.
“I don’t know. Maybe, probably.” Caspian said frustrated
“Sire,” Trumpkin said gently, “These wounds tell a story even I’m afraid to speak. You may not have learned of this when you were young, but us Narnians heard of legends, unspeakable horrors of forcing the portals to open when the magic was not willing. Your majesty, I wish to be mistaken for otherwise these wounds are not ordinary things that heal easily. We have lost a week and may not have any left.”
Caspian swallowed the lump in his throat refusing to accept the sentence handed down on them. He could not accept a life that he could not even comfort himself that somewhere she was alive and well. He tried to place a hand on her forehead but she recoiled from it in pain.
“Will she still make it back?” he asked hoarsely
Glenstorm shook his head, “The pain will be too much for her. I’m sorry, your majesty.”
“NO! Do not apologize! She is not lost yet! I am not giving up on her!” Caspian said losing his temper, momentarily forgetting these people cared for the queen as well.
He closed his eyes and let his face fall on his hands. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. I can’t lose her. She can’t die because of me. She can’t die. I won’t let her.”
They all fell silent as they watched him lower his head and place a gentle kiss on her forehead.
“Please fight this. Fight for us, please Susan. I know it’s not fair to ask after everything you’ve gone through but I still need you. Please. I love you,” he whispered softly.
Susan visibly calmed for a minute until the pain started to rip through her once more. In her haze, she felt his presence. His voice was her anchor to this world and she held on but she knew her grasp was weak and it was only a minute before she plummeted to the bottom again.
“Queen Lucy’s cordial, find it.” Caspian said the plea evident in his voice.
All four observers left the room but only three headed back to the castle, wondering how much time they had. Seraphina backed into the darkness of the crevice just outside the room where the queen lay thinking how they would never make it back to save her.
She watched the heartbreaking scene unfold before her, seeing the life slip from Caspian as well. Seraphina took a deep breath and realized that this was the moment that she would define her love for him.
As a girl who lived by the edge of the world, a daughter of the star, there was some magic that she knew. The kind she never intended to use for she never thought she would have enough love in her to enable it to succeed. The pain the queen endured was the way of the world to rebel against the changes that were forced upon it. It was a debt to be repaid.
Seraphina took a deep breath as she recalled the rest of the legend-that it mattered not who suffered as long as the debt was settled and balance restored. In this world, only one person was destined for the king, to bear his son and to rule by his side. And Seraphina chose who that would be. She closed her eyes and murmured the words her father forbade her to ever speak. She smiled beatifically, a light seeming to emanate from her, and then she fell to the floor in silent agony as pain radiated through every nerve in her body.
Susan felt him again, wondering how long this will last before blackness took over once more. She felt more detached every second and she wondered if she was slipping away. She rebelled against the thought, trying to force open her eyes instead to see him, comfort him that she was fine. But the dull ache would not leave her and she continued to feel powerless as her body rejected any touch. Her breathing was labored as she continued to struggle. Then came a sudden flash of light and she gave in, allowing the peace to reign over her.
Caspian screamed when he noticed the change, pulling the queen into his arms urgently. His sobs slowed when he realized she was peacefully sleeping, the fits finally over, coming at price paid dearly by one who suffered in silently in the dark.
“Come dear one,” Aslan said from behind Seraphina, only a mere whisper of who she used to be, “It is time to go.”
Ramandu’s daughter nodded but turned around one last time, “I understand you better now, Queen Susan. I only hope you don’t waste your chance by fighting the one person you suffered to be with. Don’t push him away anymore. He loves you and only you. I know that now.”
With a final glimpse, she stared at the man she loved enough to let go.
“I love you.” Seraphina whispered simply, a smile lighting her face as she turned to follow Aslan to the land where she would be truly free from pain.
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