Collide: Dawn
Dawn
Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don’t belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.
The sun shone brilliantly over them, framed in the clearest blue sky they had ever seen in their lives. It exploded with the dawn of a new hope as the future stretched out endlessly before them. However, the glory that surrounded the king and queen was muted by the guilt that shadowed them as they stepped out of Aslan’s How.
Queen Susan lifted her arm to shield her eyes as they adjusted to the light. Her heart was heavy as she cast a glance at Caspian who held the lifeless body of Seraphina in his arms. Even in death, the daughter of the star exuded only sincerity and grace.
“This isn’t right, Caspian. I’m the one that’s supposed to be…” she said trailing off unable to bring everything to reality with her words.
Caspian could only shake his head as the words to contradict her were left frozen in his throat. He could not find the strength to tell her the first thought that popped in his mind-that he was ridiculously relieved and happy she was alive. It did not feel right to say it, for it meant that he accepted the death of Ramandu’s daughter as the price for such a blessing. He could not savor the moment when Susan awoke in his arms, free from pain and well enough to stand on her own with wounds miraculously healed. He could not reminisce without remembering what came after-the horror of discovering his bride-to-be lying on the ground without a breath left in her.
The queen understood his internal struggle and looked away. She felt like a murderer knowing that her return prompted the chain of events that led them to this point. It was on her conscience that this woman died. As she watched the centaur, the dwarf and the old man hurry towards them, she felt like running back inside to try and reclaim her fatal wounds. Glenstorm’s eyes opened wide in shock once he saw the woman Caspian held and the one who stood beside him. His disbelief was immediately clouded with the realization of what had occurred, something that did not escape the queen’s sharp eyes.
The centaur had confirmed what she had feared, that her life came at the cost of an innocent one, a debt she could never repay. Trumpkin clutched the small bottle of Queen Lucy’s cordial as his head dropped with tears flowing continuously from his eyes. Glenstorm stepped forward and lifted the body of Seraphina from Caspian’s arms. Professor Cornelius stepped forward and embraced the young king as he wept for his loss-a friend who loved him more than he deserved.
Susan stood alone as she watched everything before her. She stared after the dwarf and the centaur as they crafted something that would hold the body of Seraphina as they transported it back to the castle. She looked on numbly as the king slowly composed himself and mounted his horse. She followed his lead silently atop Destrier, feeling like a trespasser in their moment of grief. They had lost a part of themselves and it was something she could not touch.
The last time she entered the Telmarine castle with the King her ears were met with loud jubilation. But today they were met with stares, whispers and at times, stunned silence as they recognized the fallen. Susan hung her head in shame, wanting to scream out her crime-that she was to blame for all of this. She wanted to apologize to each person who knew and loved Seraphina, tell them that she wished she never returned and that she would leave if it would bring her back. The shame burned in her eyes as the tears fell and she condemned her own foolishness.
The queen felt a soft touch on her hand that caused her to look up. The king took his hand away gently as he shook his head at her, still unable to verbalize his belief that she was not to blame. The king stopped in the middle of the street, looking at the people who had gathered, slowly taking part in the somber procession.
“Today we mourn for a great woman of Narnia. Seraphina…Seraphina was quiet and gentle but she had a strength that I never appreciated until now. She was kind and true to all those she met. She was unselfish and freely gave what others never knew they needed. She understood Narnia and what it stood for. She loved Narnia, she loved us all,” Caspian said, pausing to take a deep breath, “I only wish she knew that her efforts did not go unnoticed. I hope that in her heart, she knew that I…that we loved her.”
It was when he uttered the words that he felt the true weight of what he felt for Seraphina. It was different sort of emotion from when he lost Susan but no less great. He felt the loss deep in his soul as he realized that he now missed a most loyal ally, who stood by him instead of judging him. He lost a confidante, the person that he could be around without any pretenses. The absence of the familiar presence, the comfort and warmth she brought to him was suddenly gone and he felt unsteady, unsure of where he stood in the world.
Loss and heartache were things that were most familiar to him. He grew up knowing these emotions more than his lessons. For better or for worse, he became a man with all his baggage in tow. But this additional weight on his shoulders was unexpectedly placed upon him and he wasn’t able to get his bearings straight.
The boy inside him needed time but it was something he was afraid to ask for as he watched the queen slip away silently from the crowd. He watched her grow smaller and smaller as he tried to fight the impulse to withdraw within himself and wallow in the grief he felt. Caspian knew that if he did not manage the turn of events well, he would be building a wall between them that he might not be able to break down. His grief became her guilt. He felt powerless to stop it and in that moment he gave in-he simply watched her as she disappeared into the distance.
Ramandu glided into the palace in the dead of night. He walked straight into the throne room where his daughter lay in state, moonlight illuminating her body from a lone open window as the king stood guard. He could almost imagine her merely asleep. Almost.
“Your majesty,” the star said greeting the king, his face expressionless and eerily calm.
Caspian approached the man, guilt lining his face, aging it far more than any other tragedy in his life. The king fell to his knees and bowed to the father of Seraphina.
“Sir, I apologize I wasn’t able to save her.” Caspian said softly. “I will accept any punishment you see fit.”
“My daughter loved you. She chose this life because of it; even the death that I knew would come with it. It was her decision not yours. I blame you not, your majesty. Her sacrifice was noble; allow her to take credit for it. Release yourself from any guilt. Tell this to the queen as well. “
Ramandu stepped forward and placed a hand on the forehead of his daughter, allowing a few tears to stain his face.
“My darling daughter, one day, in Aslan’s country we will meet again and I shall tell you how much I love you. You shall know how proud I am of you for you know now what love truly means.”
The star lifted his daughter in his arms and carried her out of the castle to bring her once more to her first and true home
Susan gripped the trunk of the tree in front of her trying to pry it open. It was her latest attempt to ‘undo’ her mistakes and as usual, she was unsuccessful. It had been one month since the death of her almost friend and she mourned for her like a sister. Her death, Susan realized, formed a connection between them that strengthened along with her guilt. She felt like a murderer but no one would hear her confession.
“It won’t open. Your attempts are becoming sillier and sillier. Please, your majesty, just stop.”
Susan let her arms fall to her side and prepared herself to bolt but Caspian blocked her path.
“Don’t run away. I won’t let you. It will do no good-not for you and most certainly, not for me.”
“It will be easier.”
“No it will be more difficult, more painful than you can imagine,” he said holding her chin with a finger, “What exactly do you hope to accomplish by leaving? Do you think that you’ll be able to leave the guilt behind? Do you think that if you don’t see me, you won’t see her face in your dreams haunting you? Do you think our love will weaken with the distance? We already know the answer to that one. It won’t.”
Susan looked at him directly for the first time since Seraphina’s death, astounded by his frankness. She saw how tired he was and just how much he was trying-for her. But her stubbornness won out and she replied with as much bluntness he had offered.
“At least I won’t add to the guilt every moment I’m happy just being around you.”
“She died to make that even possible, for us to be around each other, and you’re just throwing that away? You almost died getting back here,” Caspian said. Susan’s eyes widened at the shock that he finally acknowledged that he knew the truth about her mysterious return, “is your own sacrifice so easily cast aside?”
“You make it sound so simple, your majesty,” Susan replied sharply, “But answer me this, aren’t you doing the same thing by avoiding me like the plague? I have not been this close to you since that day. In your own way, you’re running too. This, all this remorse, won’t go away so I might as well not add to it.”
“It is not simple! I lost someone I loved! But I’m dealing with it the best way that I can without laying on additional hurt on everyone around me. Mourning for her does not mean I stop loving you. There are some things we have to accept and this is one of them. You’re right,” he admitted softly looking away, “All of this won’t go away but we have to learn to live with it-together. We will grow to accept the pain and appreciate it for what it is. It is not something we can hide from. She’s part of us, whether we like it or not. Her death changed things but it doesn’t mean I love you less. I still need you. I still want the same things I wanted when I first realized I loved you. I want a life with you it just won’t happen overnight. We will need to learn how to be around each other again and that’s not going to happen if you run Susan.”
“What if we never get past it?” she asked, her voice small like a child
Caspian took a deep breath and held her face in both his hands, “Look at us. We’re here together when we should be thousands of years or worlds apart. We did everything fate told us to do, we tried to live out what was set for us but it didn’t work because the moment I met you it did not seem right to not have you in my life. There is no other way but to get past this. Love is not something you live to be ashamed of. We will take it one day at a time, even if it takes another thirteen hundred years, I’ll live to see the day that we’ll look at each other again without the shadows of the past. It is a scar we will bear the rest of our lives but it doesn’t have to bleed forever. Promise me you’ll stay Susan.”
Susan nodded as Caspian pulled her into his arms tightly as he could. In her mind she tried to let go of her doubts, trusting in the feeling that grew in her heart as he held her.
“I promise.”
Susan urged Destrier to go faster even if it was only the moonlight guiding them. The horse trusted her now and obeyed her silent command as they sped through the forest. She stopped counting how long it took to get to their destination for she only focused on getting there.
The queen had awoken in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. She felt restless, unable to remember her dream, save for knowing that she needed to find Aslan and talk to him. Susan decided quickly heading straight for the stables without even looking back if anyone was following her.
They were almost at the How when she felt the shift in her surroundings. Immediately she felt alert that someone was riding alongside them. Her alarm gave into relief when she caught a glimpse of something golden in the distance. She pulled on the reins to tell Destrier to stop and she immediately went down.
Susan kept walking until she saw Aslan’s How bathed in moonlight. She swallowed the lump in her throat as she momentarily forgot why she even sought out this place again.
“Even in the day, it is difficult to see through the darkness of this place, dear one. But it is there I assure you,” the great lion said beside her
“The land it stands on is tainted by the blood of all those who lost their lives here. I almost joined them Aslan except that Seraphina took my place. I don’t deserve to stand next to you Aslan. I disobeyed you, I put someone else in harm’s way and I’ve complicated life for everyone around me beyond belief. Someone died because of me. I just…”
“Everyone in this world is free, as are you and I. Your decision to leave was yours, founded on the faith you had in what I told you-that you have learned all you needed for a life in your world. You chose to return and you fought your way back, even if the pain almost killed you. You chose to love Caspian whether or not there was happiness attached to it. It was your choice as it was Seraphina’s to allow the deep magic to allow her wish. She chose to save Caspian by giving him his heart.”
“But if I had not come…”
“There is no ‘if’ in this story my dear Susan. We cannot know what would have been and it will only serve to hold you back from what truly is. In your heart, I trust you know this. I do not think you returned to Narnia only to break your promise to the king.”
A faint smile graced the lips of the queen, “I don’t think I’ve broken my oath to Caspian for I mean to return. I only wished to speak to you. I seek your forgiveness for all I’ve done.”
“Dear one, I’ve given you that a long time ago. I share the pain and the blame of all that has come to pass. It is enough for me that you have followed your heart and stayed true to it. My queen, the forgiveness you seek and most need is your own. You must accept that this is not your fault. What you were given is a gift not a curse.”
Susan nodded through her tears as she sat down next to the great lion, burying her face into his mane. Aslan comforted her, blowing his warm breath through her to heal her heartaches.
It was almost sunrise before Susan felt calm enough to speak once more. She felt the beginnings of inner peace as she watched the sky lighten and the How seeming less daunting than before.
“Aslan, I just…I just want to know, how my family is? How much do they know” she said taking a deep breath before continuing, “Have I hurt them as well?”
“They know only that you were lost at sea but I know they trust you are alive and well in Narnia. You will see them again, someday. Have faith dear one.” Aslan said gently as he rose to his feet, “I will see you soon my queen. When the time is right, you will know and so will he, then I shall come once more.”
“Wait,” Susan said, “Before you go, I just want…to thank you for saving my life today, for always coming when we need you.”
“Dear one, it is what you do for those you love. Now, it is time for you to go home for the owner of your horse must have already noticed your absence. He will worry.” Aslan said with a smile
Susan nodded and watched the great lion disappear into the other side of the forest before riding home herself.
Home. It was a word she repeated in her mind as she rode back. Aslan had acknowledged it so subtly and it felt right to believe that the castle she was returning to was already her home.
With every mile that they journeyed, Susan felt lighter. She reveled in the knowledge that her family knew on some level the truth. She felt peace from the comforting presence of Aslan. But mostly what fueled her to reach Caspian faster was the fact that when all the darkness faded away, she still loved him and that there was hope left in her that they can break free from the chains that held them back.
Caspian was livid when he found out that Susan was missing and imagined the thousands of dangers she might be facing. The king was about to ride out as well when Susan arrived, her eyes bright and cheeks flushed from the exercise. Caspian wanted to admonish her, remind her of her promise, but all he managed to do was help her down Destrier and pull her in a tight embrace.
“I thought…” Caspian began
“I promised I wouldn’t…” she replied
“I know but…”
Susan placed a finger on his lips to silence him, “We’re going to be okay. One day at a time, a day closer each time and we’ll get there.”
“What makes you so sure?” he asked, guarded like she was before with him
“Because I love you, and that is enough.”
“Enough for what?” Caspian pressed
“Enough for me to forgive myself in time, enough to be the queen my people need and enough to become the woman you deserve.” Susan replied
“You’re two out of three.” Caspian said with a smile
Susan rolled her eyes and for the first time in months, Narnia heard the gentle queen’s laughter fill the air, ringing true with the finality that she was home for good.
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