Collide: Stand Still
Stand still
Disclaimer: The characters and other things from The Chronicles of Narnia don’t belong to me (sadly). Credit goes to those who do own them.
A/N: So I’ve decided to add another chapter, where it goes from here we shall have to see. There’s a song I’ve included that you might want to play as you read that part-Cry by Kelly Clarkson. Anyway, hope you enjoy this. :) (It's quite longer than usual.)
Four years after and it still felt like yesterday. He had grown in age and in wisdom, so did his heart mature but it never completely healed. He never expected it to, but he did accept that one day he would have to move on, for his sake and for all of Narnia, and that happened to be today.
The crowd was becoming restless as they waited for the bride which made him smile to himself. He expected to be the one filled with nervous anticipation but instead he felt calm. In his mind everything made sense that he would be marrying this woman, it was logical even. In the year that he took time to get to know her, he saw her kindness, patience, generosity and grace. She supported him silently when he made tough decisions concerning his people. She listened as he told her about his day, his problems and his hopes. Theirs was an easy relationship, overflowing with comfort and respect.
The eastern wind blew through the crowd, rustling the leaves of the tree behind him. He turned around and stared at it as if waiting for it come alive once more. It was a wish he could no longer hold on to when he makes that vow to the daughter of the star. From then on, the gentle queen would be dead to him and only a memory of the prince he used to be.
These were the facts and he learned to take them as they were. The warmth of the sun spread through him as he resigned to the future he chose. He plastered a smile on his face as he saw his bride finally emerge at the end of the aisle before him. There was no turning back now and for once he didn’t feel the urge to live in the past.
King Caspian watched his bride close the distance between them, her face aglow with the hope of their future life together. His happy expression was frozen on his face, hoping that it somehow matched hers, trying to muster up the sincerity to match it. For now, it was enough to try, he thought. He’ll work on the rest later when he could teach himself to forget Susan completely.
He took her hands in his when she reached him. They faced each other, exchanging unspoken encouragement before facing the man who would perform the ceremony. The couple smiled warmly at the man, the groom slightly disappointed that it wasn’t the great lion himself to bless this union. They waited for the words but the collective gasp of the crowd was what sped to their ears.
It was the king who turned first, hand on the dagger hidden beneath his clothes, switching to a defensive stance. He surveyed the scene before him and saw there was but one intruder that all stared at. A lady dressed so simply, brown hair flowing on her shoulders and down her back. The king relaxed his grip on his weapon as he watched the uninvited guest clench her own fist.
It was a moment that the king would later feel ashamed about. For the second their eyes met, he allowed time to stand still and in his mind only the two of them existed in all the worlds. He allowed himself to imagine that the woman who seemed so unsure right then was the bride he was waiting for all his life.
It brought him back to that moment when she fell from the archer’s vantage point when they battled the Telmarines. He held his breath in the seconds it took for Trumpkin to catch her hand and swing her to safety. He forgot about the war going on around them and he was consumed only by knowing she was alright.
Instinct told him to rush to her side and vanquish her unease. As the reigning monarch, he felt he needed to extend that courtesy to the gentle queen. As the friend he believed himself to be, he desired to comfort her knowing the confusion this must bring to her senses. But it was a deeper call that he wanted to answer. As the man who loved her, he wanted to deny everything and run away with her that very moment.
Queen Susan broke the spell that held all in attendance in a trance as she sat down resolutely in the last row. She folded her hands in her lap and stared ahead as if expecting the ceremony to continue as planned. With a practiced air, her exterior was calm and graceful as every guest ought to be, ignoring the excitement that unfolded around her.
The king regained his senses and remembered his place. He was the groom and his bride was stoic beside him-his bride. Caspian swallowed the lump that formed in his throat but still he could not find his voice. He could only look at her and hope that she could understand that the queen deserved an explanation and that the wedding needed to be postponed. This sacrifice had to be made if only to honor the arrival of such an important person. He placed a hand lightly on her arm to plead, to convince both of them he was doing this as king.
However, the man who loved the queen overtook every noble intention as he took one step after another towards the back of the crowd. This man waited for no answer for his heart was the only master it could listen to. Once more everything drowned into oblivion as he sought the person that left him four years ago. Reason left him as he failed to notice his bride escape from it all in a manner so uncharacteristic of her. He only saw his hand be rejected by the queen as he offered it to her. He only felt his elation when she allowed him to lead her away so they could speak in private. He only heard his voice say out the name he forbade himself to speak for so long.
“Queen Susan, you have returned.”
The unexpected visitor merely nodded with a polite smile on her face. “I apologize to have disrupted the ceremony. Had I known…,” she said trailing off, her clenching her jaw as she forced herself to continue, “had I known I wouldn’t have come.”
“No!” Caspian objected to the thought of her reluctance to return, his mind catching up a few seconds later, “I mean no, we are glad that you have come under any kind of circumstance. I only wish we could have welcomed you properly.”
Susan gave a pained smile at his casual use of the word ‘we,’ instantly assuming he referred to himself and his bride.
“It is no longer my place, your majesty. I do not return to rule Narnia. I expected no grand welcome and I wish only that you had proceeded as planned,” she said forcing herself to smile.
Caspian blew out the breath he did not know he was holding and answered his queen. “I would have halted an entire war to honor your return your majesty. What you wish is not something I am prepared to give, even if I could promise you the world.”
Susan’s vision swam before her as tears dared to break the barrier that she put in place. These were words she had long wanted to hear but what she had witnessed reminded her it was no longer her place to deserve such promises from him. Caspian belonged to another, even if the ceremony had been interrupted. She returned to a time and place that never meant to include her and it was evident in everything she saw.
But the resolve of the queen was stronger and she managed a dignified reply, “I decline any sort of welcome and ask that you give me this. My return here is not worth of any pomp and circumstance. Honor instead the future queen of Narnia and mother of your heirs. I can offer only my congratulations and joy that you have found your way as King of Narnia.”
Her subtle reminder was not lost on him. He understood with perfect clarity his message to him. Reality was a burden they must bear, but separately for the innocent was undeserving of such cruelty.
“Thank you, your majesty,” he replied softly, “Please excuse me, I must now leave you to talk to my bride. I will send someone to prepare your room and anything else you may require.”
“I cannot impose…” Susan began but Caspian held a finger to her lips, light as a feather’s touch but powerful enough to render her silent.
“I insist,” he said simply, letting his hand fall to his side, wishing he could do more than just that.
When she nodded, he bowed to her and turned to walk away. He concentrated on walking for he knew might not be strong enough to do much else. His will was crumbling as quickly as he breathed and only calmed when he was outside of the castle.
He walked towards the woods after ascertaining from one of the guards that his bride ran in that direction. It was unlike her to behave in such a fashion that his worry began to grow. Her calm nature always prevented her from doing anything remotely irrational that Caspian expected nothing of this sort from her.
He concentrated on finding her, tracing her steps, and in finding the words to explain what he could not yet fully absorb or understand. The rapid turn of events and emotions did very little to help him. He could not clear his mind save from the challenge by his dear friend Trumpkin that echoed in his mind. The dwarf was a staunch supporter of the kings and queens of old and by extension felt that only the gentle queen was worthy of his love. King Caspian wanted to drown out the sound but the voice in his mind was joined by his own heart.
“Is it merely out of convenience that you chose to love her? Or is it like with the queen of old that passion never gave you a choice in loving her?”
His immediate answer was to deny that it was only for convenience, enumerating the many praiseworthy traits of the lady in question. Trumpkin merely countered that deserving love does not mean you will obtain it. It is not something that can be measured and defined simply by traits or characteristics. It was something that defied even logic itself. More often than not, it is not something we can choose. It just happens.
Caspian shook his head, even more confused. He repeated in his mind the case he built on why he should love the daughter of Ramandu. He recalled the day that he met her and when he expressed to her that he would like to know her better. He recounted the moments that they spent on the countryside talking about his voyage on the Dawn Treader and his joy at being home. He loved her, for all the right reasons, he repeated to himself like a mantra until he saw her lying on the ground asleep.
“Seraphina,” he called out to her, placing a hand on her cheek, “wake up.”
She stirred and opened her eyes, tear tracks lining her cheeks. Guilt washed over him as he was unsuccessful in wiping them away as they were imprinted on her face. He had hurt her when she never asked anything from him. She did not ask for him to propose marriage and promise of a peaceful life and he did it freely, knowing the truth in his heart.
He knelt beside her as he helped her sit up. Seraphina felt fragile in his arms and he blamed himself for it. It was as if she had no will to stand on her own but her voice was firm when she spoke.
“Is the queen alright?” she asked.
Caspian leaned back in surprise that of all the questions she chose to start with that.
“Yes,” he replied nodding, “I have arranged for them to tend to her needs.”
“Good, she must be exhausted.” Seraphina replied calmly, a sheer contrast to how she looked at the moment. She gently extricated herself from his grasp but did not move to stand up.
Caspian closed his eyes and placed his head in his hands. The lady before him reached out, unable to resist the need to comfort him even when her own feelings were in conflict.
“I understand that you love her,” she said simply. He looked at her and offered no response. She gave him a pained smile in return knowing the truth from his action.
“I understand as well that it is not something that will remain in the past for the queen has returned, for how long this time none may know but Aslan himself. What I know is this; the choice of whom you should love is yours as is the decision to still love you and want to marry you is mine. I will not give up my king, not until you tell me there is no hope for us.” Seraphina said.
King Caspian could not answer, torn between upholding the honor of his word and that of Seraphina versus the queen he thought he had lost forever. He wanted to understand everything, analyze it all, before making that commitment. He longed to simplify everything by just turning back time and return to the point when Susan was walking with Aslan knowing that the look she gave him was the prelude to the goodbye he received soon after. He wanted so badly to never have even known the name of the girl on the island, wishing that she remained known to him only as Ramandu’s daughter.
But the reality was already a lifetime away from these childish dreams and it fell on him to make a decision.
“I gave you my word my lady,” he replied slowly, his mind dictating the answer his heart refused to give, “I apologize for the pain this must have caused you. I will follow through with my promise but I beg for time to have things settle down.”
It was well within her right to ask for a date and time but her nature was pacified by his reply. It was enough to help her stand on her feet and face the people who waited for them.
Caspian rose to his feet as well and offered his arm to her, which she took out of habit. She expected the gesture to comfort her, especially since she felt so exhausted, instead it allowed her a glimpse of the king’s wounded heart. She felt the effort it took to hold on to her and give her the place he so wanted to give to another. She wiped a tear before he saw it fall, smiling quickly allowing him to remain innocent of her imperfection, of the inner selfishness that she rarely allowed to see the world. While they were still away, she wanted to pretend that he loved her with all his heart and that they were truly meant for each other.
The sun had almost set on Narnia when the King and Seraphina reached the gates of the castle. The orange glow cast a shadow on the balcony where Queen Susan watched as they arrived, arm in arm. She bit her lip, determined not to cry. She needed to be strong but the physical wounds she bore refused this.
She fingered the blood that seeped through her dress where she pressed her hand. Susan hissed as the wounds all over her body throbbed in protest of being restricted in the gown she now wore. The queen closed her eyes as she remembered how she forced the hand of destiny and fought her way back to Narnia.
She was on the deck of the ship going to America, a land of hope or whatever it was the brochure said. For her it was the chance to forget Caspian ever crossed her path. She rolled her eyes to counter the feeling of foolishness as she remembered the kiss she planted on an unsuspecting King. It was her way of saying goodbye, she had said to herself to explain her impulse, but it backfired because it chained her to the possibility of a future with him in Narnia.
The ocean was all around her and the words Aslan said on the day they left crossed her mind. The Telmarines came from an island, they came from this world but they stumbled into Narnia. The wheels turned in her head as she calculated the odds that she too could chance upon the same portal.
Adrenaline coursed through her and she stopped thinking. She eyed one of the lifeboats and deviously lowered it until she could paddle away. She felt lucky and invincible as no one even noticed her missing. She laughed until she realized she had no direction and even less hope. Her rashness cost her food and water, ultimately nutrition for days. It wasn’t long before she drifted in and out of consciousness.
She was right about one thing-she was lucky for she drifted ashore on the island she wanted so badly to find. The beach was deserted and it was there she stayed until sleep abandoned her. In a haze she explored the island, thinking that maybe the Telmarines lived here and she could ask for help. She walked deep into the forest, the branches scratching her deeply as she could not walk straight. Like a drunken man she plowed ahead, lacking the strength to even call out. It wasn’t long before she stumbled upon the passage. It was so dark yet so alive with creatures she would never be able to remember. They clawed at her, wanting to feed on her, but she fought them with the little strength she had somehow knowing this was the right path. Her mind was set only on emerging on the other side that she gathered enough strength though she bled profusely.
Susan collapsed at the mouth of the cave, her blood soaked clothes shredded beyond recognition. She had wounds all over her body but she could feel none of it as she blacked out.
She did not see but she was certain Aslan came and breathed life into her. It may have been days since she arrived but she awoke clad in a long flowing tunic that hid all her wounds. They were fresh still but did not bleed as profusely as before. She felt calm and had enough energy to journey to Caspian, the reason for her journey.
She walked for miles as fast as her injuries allowed, eager to be home at last, wondering how she would start her tale. Susan imagined that at first he would be shocked but he would of course be excited to see her. She played it out in her mind how he would tend to her, being extra careful over parts where the cuts were deepest. He would protest when she would request that they take a walk in the gardens, he would say that she should rest. Eventually, she would be of help to him in matters that affected the kingdom. She would be his partner at last. She fantasized of the family they would have and the moments alone they would share for years to come. Every step she took was to bring her closer to that life but things were never that easy for a Pevensie.
She laughed bitterly recounting how the physical wounds became of little concern than the pain that shot straight to the heart when she crashed the wedding of her king. Susan felt increasingly foolish as the seconds went by as she realized that she destroyed the well-laid out plans of the universe for all of them.
The queen stared at the blood that stained her hand, touching her fingers together, smearing the blood on them. In the end, the only thing that mattered is that she has proven to herself that she loves him and she cared not whether he loved her in return. His happiness was the only thing she dared want at this point.
The girl, whoever she was, loved the king. She knew this was truth for the eyes that stared back at her this morning could not bear a falsehood. The bride wanted to marry the king for the right reasons and though she knew Caspian first, she had no right to stand in the way of that commitment. She did not intend to.
“It is no longer my place, your majesty”
Her own words haunted her as the decision was made in her mind. It was no longer her future to be his wife and she had to accept that.
If anyone asks,
I'll tell them we both just moved on
When people all stare
I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk
Whenever I see you,
I'll swallow my pride
and bite my tongue
Pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
It would not be easy to act the part but she would try until the hurt became a part of her, something she could live with. People will talk, as she already knew from what had happened earlier, but it would not matter. She can shut them out as easily as she could shut her eyes at night, when she sought refuge in her dreams. With Caspian, she will be the Gentle Queen and nothing more. Around him, she cannot be Susan Pevensie for she can no longer love him.
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
Mornings would be the hardest part, she thought to herself. Getting out of bed and finding the will to do it all over again-that would be the challenge. But she would do it for him. Susan understood that this part she played would be pivotal in convincing him it’s okay to move on with his life. Their chance is gone, she would tell him, there’s only the future with his bride to look forward to.
If anyone asks,
I'll tell them we just grew apart
Yeah what do I care
If they believe me or not
Trumpkin, she knew, would be the hardest to convince that she was doing fine or at least holding on to her sanity. Her friend had approached not long after the king had left. The dwarf shook his head as he noticed the tiny pricks of red on her clothing, knowing that beneath it laid the wounds the king failed to notice. Tears fell from her eyes as she realized that more of her pains will go unseen by the one person who can heal her.
Whenever I feel
Your memory is breaking my heart
I'll pretend I'm okay with it all
Act like there's nothing wrong
I’ve done it before, I can do it again, Susan said to herself allowing the memories of the past year in London come back to her where she allowed her siblings to believe she thought nothing of Narnia or Caspian. She pretended to throw herself into life in London as if it were the most natural thing in the world. When memories of Caspian saving her invade her mind, she will think nothing of it. When she remembers the tight embrace he gave her when she was about to leave, she will pretend like it never happened. It was easy to live the lie but believing in it was another matter entirely, and she dared not go that far.
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Cry
The dam broke and she fell to the floor as the sobs racked her body. She shook violently as the tears flooded their way out of her, her mouth open in a silent wail. The pain overwhelming her that she asked for all feeling to go away, wondering how much worse it could get. She wanted to be numb so she could function. The queen allowed no sound to escape as she wept for the love she still felt inside for the king who held someone else in his arms.
I'm talking in circles
I'm lying, they know it
Why won't this just all go away
Aslan looked on, his own heart aching for the Daughter of Eve. He knew what she endured to return and what she still faced, a battle she had to go through alone. His love for her wanted to save her from this pain but he allowed her the freedom to choose her future and now they both had to watch it unfold. He knew that when the time came, she would come to him and he would give her all the love he could but it still would not be enough for it was not what her heart needed. In the distance, he roared so that at least in his own way he could share the grief of his child.
Is it over yet?
Can I open my eyes?
Is this as hard as it gets?
Is this what it feels like to really cry?
Caspian watched her crumpled form from the gardens below, his own tears finding their way down his face. His heart felt like it would explode from the myriad of emotions that choked it. He heard Aslan’s roar and he broke down where he stood. The blessing he wanted from the great lion turned into a sound of agony that he could not fathom. His entire being screamed for release from the pain that engulfed him.
“The lies will start tomorrow; tonight they will suffer through their love together.” Aslan said as he roared a final time for the grieving king and queen.
-song is “Cry” by Kelly Clarkson
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