[FIC] Star Trek: What We Need to See [5/8] (Kirk/Bones, R)
Title: What We Need to See [5/8]
Authors: salvaged_pride and sullacat
Artist: gadgetorious
Fanmixer: dizilla
Beta: shinychimera
Series: Star Trek XI
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: R
Chapter Word Count: 7338 out of 42601
Summary: Jim is everything he needs to be when he's sent on a diplomatic mission to meet a potential new addition to the Federation - charming, calm, convincing - especially with his CMO at his side to back him up. But when Jim, Bones, and their security team wake up in the depths of an alien jungle and are given a mission to succeed or die, they'll need not only to survive, but come to terms with their true feelings for each other. Will it destroy their friendship or save them both?
Is it enough to teach Jim and Bones what they have been blind to - that sometimes there's more than just meets the eye, and the loss of one's world can lead to another?
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The Art | The Mix
It was mid-morning when he returned to check on Jim's progress. He didn't see Jim right away when he walked into the captain's room, and for a moment he was worried, wondering where the he'd captain had gone. "Jim?"
Jim walked out of the bathroom, fingers trailing along carefully. "Bones?" He gave a glare in the general of the door. "You turned off my alarm."
"You needed your beauty sleep," Bones retorted, glad Jim couldn't see the sad look on his face as Jim made his way toward him. It was hard, really hard, seeing his best friend like this. Aside from the blindness, Jim was physically better, rested and fed...but that spark was still gone. "You get breakfast yet?" he asked, pulling some fruit and danish out of a bag.
"I had coffee," Jim shrugged, moving slowly until he found the edge of the table, then the chair, and sat down.
Bones handed him a pastry and headed to the replicator, getting a coffee for himself. "How's the head feel?" he asked, sitting back down next to Jim, grabbing a roll for himself.
Jim made the so-so gesture. "Better, but there's this..." He gestured vaguely over where the wound, and now his missing hair was, "pressure. Makes it hard to concentrate sometimes."
Out came the scanner, and Bones examined the injured area, checking the regenerated skin on the back of his head, doing what he could to alleviate that pressure. "Want something for the pain?" he asked, knowing the answer but feeling the need to make the offer nonetheless.
"No," - no surprise, "coffee's helping for now. The caffeine I guess?" Jim hazarded a guess, but he tore into the pastry messily. The appetite returning was another good sign, and all the other readings were acceptable.
"Okay, let's talk," Bones said, putting the medical equipment away. "It's been a couple of days and you're done very well with your progress. The swelling's completely gone from the area of injury. Your vital signs are good, no sign of infection or distress... so I'm giving you permission to leave the room," Bones told him, hoping this was the right move. "You can work on light duty, paperwork, if you want, make that yeoman of yours earn her pay this month by helping you get those things done, the boring stuff you need to take care of." He sighed, watching Jim's face twist a little, as if 'boring' was the last thing he wanted to do. "No away missions, no overdoing it with exercise and fucking up all the work I did on your head... don't make that face, you know what I mean."
Jim still looked upset, and Bones sighed. "Look, Jim - do what you need to do, just-" But it was hard, the things Jim really wanted to do would require his sight. "No more than a few hours on the bridge, okay?"
"I need more than a few hours, Bones," Jim said immediately, quickly, one hand splaying flat on the table. "I need a full shift. It's been what, two days? I've been pacing the room all morning. I can't even see dammit and I could tell you exactly how many steps it takes to get around this room because I've paced it so much!" There was a fire in his voice that normally was in his eyes.
"You think I want you off the bridge any longer than necessary?" Bones' frustrated voice matched his face, not that Jim could see it. "This is me, Jim. Work with me here, a few hours at first."
Jim shook his head. "I can't take this boredom anymore!"
Bones sighed. What was the point, really, when no one listened. "You need any help getting anywhere?"
"Get me up to the bridge and I can do the rest." Jim stood up. There was a longing in his voice that was almost sad, when hated paperwork gave Jim some sort of excitement.
So Bones nodded, and grabbed another danish. "Get dressed," he said in a quieter voice. "You need me to get your over shirt?"
Jim followed memory over to the drawers, pulling out basics. When he didn't say anything, Bones accepted that as a 'no' until he heard Jim, "...Yeah, and a pair of pants?" He looked over, but Jim was focused on feeling fabrics. Picking out a clean uniform, he handed them to Jim and sat back down, finishing his coffee.
"Spock talk to you about anything?" Bones asked, watching Jim slowly dress and fix his uniform.
"Actually, he hasn't been here but he commed me and went through his report." Jim's hands paused, and he gave an odd smirk. "Acting Captain." Without much context he stood up to finish dressing, fingering material to put on his shirts in the right order. Once he finished, Bones cleaned up the table while Jim pulled on his boots, carefully feeling to see that he had them on the right foot.
"Ready?" Bones asked, holding out his arm.
Jim found it a second later and nodded. "So, are you my seeing-eye Bones?"
Bones made a noise, halfway between a sigh and a groan. "C'mon," he answered, leading Jim down the hall, toward the bridge of the ship. Along the way, people stopped and talked to Jim, not just as their captain but as another human being. Bones was pleased when he heard them keeping the pity out of their voices - after all, gossip spread no where faster than on a starship - and when they told Jim they were glad he was back on board and safe, glad to see him around again.
He dropped Jim off on the bridge, watching with a proud smile on his face as Jim seemed to get back into the swing of things quick enough. It was good that Jim was back at work - Bones knew that it was better than Jim sitting in his room, ruminating about it. A bored Jim was a dangerous Jim, to himself and to other people's sanity.
But still - something wasn't right about the situation. Jim never let anything keep him down for long - when someone or something knocked him down, Jim got back up and got things done. But if Bones were being honest with himself, he would admit to being a little worried about how well Jim was taking all this. Calm and collected and patient, way too patient for Jim, who Bones expected to be more adamant about his treatment, more interested in his recovery. This Jim seemed too passive about the situation, which only meant one thing - he was keeping the anxiety and grief deep inside, away from everyone else, including his best friend.
Only one other time in their friendship had Bones seen Jim breakdown. One night over a bottle of shared tequila, Jim let go, emotions pushed so far down unexpectedly surfaced after an argument with a teacher. Bones sat and listened, mostly drunk himself, but things made sense after that - why Jim's teenage years were spent wandering town to town; why he reacted violently to being touched unexpectedly; why he hoarded food, thinking Bones didn't see the bags of protein nibs in the back of the closet. One word - Tarsus - and Bones didn't ask any more after that, just let the information fall into place.
Bones wondered if this were happening again - that tamping down of worry and concern over something Jim couldn't control. Staring at his computer terminal, he asked himself if maybe he should press the issue with Jim, try to get it out before it exploded like before.
With that in mind, Bones excused himself from Sickbay at the end of his shift, taking his paperwork for the day with him. It was just as easy to do the tedious stuff in Jim's quarters than it was in his own, and they'd both enjoy the company. Maybe Bones would see what the galley cooked up for dinner and order some up to Jim's room. He pressed the buzzer to the captain's quarters, frowning when there was no answer. Could be that Jim was asleep, though they used to joke that Jim set the damned buzzer loud enough to wake the dead.
Bones was about to use his override when he heard Jim's voice coming from down the corridor. Spock's voice echoed after, and he stepped back from the door just in time to see the pair of them walking down the hall together. Much to Bones' amusement, Spock looked even more stiff than usual with Jim's arm through his, Jim's fingers trailing along the wall. He looked to Spock, who gave a curt nod in his direction before turning his attention to Jim. "Doctor McCoy is here. I believe between the two of you, you will be capable of handling your guidance for the rest of the evening." Aw, had the Vulcan taken his turn at seeing eye dog all day?
"Bones?" Jim's head turned forward.
"Yeah, I'm here. Looks like you managed for the day." It wasn't his most graceful response ever, but nevertheless Jim grinned.
"Spock and Rand took good care of me, Mom," Jim teased, reaching out and finding the edge of the door as it opened in the presence of the room's owner.
Spock's head tilted slightly, which never failed to amuse Bones. Just like a dog when given an command it didn't understand. "Why are you calling Doctor McCoy 'mom' when he is clearly not your maternal-"
Jim cut him off with a wave of his hand. "It's a joke, Spock. Thanks for getting me down here, and helping out today. I know you've been busy..." He didn't need to finish, they all knew why Spock would be busier than normal.
Spock took it well in hand though. "Of course, Captain. We will continue where we left off at 0900 tomorrow," and with a second nod in Bones' direction, "Doctor McCoy," Spock turned on his heel and left.
Jim looked over his shoulder at Bones and gave a smile. "Starving, how about you? Spock is wrangling Rand into making sure I eat. At 1200 on the dot, nonetheless," he laughed as he felt his way into the room, and Bones couldn't have felt more proud of him even as in the back of his head he kept his own warning in mind.
"Yeah, I'm hungry," he answered, glad to hear about his allies in watching over Jim right now. "I'll get some food sent up while you get settled, how's that sound?"
"Anything good from the galley tonight?" Jim asked as he felt carefully along to his bed, then started to strip down out of his uniform. Bones wondered why it was different now, in these quarters, than when they shared a room in the dorms. He'd admired Jim's body back then, thought about it sometimes when he was jacking off in the shower, but... it was different now. Somewhere between then and now Leonard McCoy had fallen in love with his best friend, Jim - his body, his mind, his humor - all of it was tangled up together in something that Bones wanted to protect and take care of.
Because of that, he lowered his eyes as Jim changed. "Usual. Geoff said the pot roast was good, thought I'd try some." He heard some scraping and shuffling, so he looked up, eyes lighting on Jim's backside, strong legs and perfect ass as he pulled things out of his drawers. "You need help with that?" he asked, taking a step toward him.
"Think I might have managed it this time," Jim said cautiously, in a tone that suggested he wanted Bones to tell him a yes or no. He had a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt from a bar they had gone to more than a dozen times at the Academy. He was fingering the t-shirt, feeling for the tag.
"That'll work," Bones told him, going to the computer terminal and punching up the menu from the galley and ordered some dinner for the both of them. "I was gonna go sit on the sofa, read a bit 'til dinner showed up. You wanna go over there, or you wanna sit at the table instead?"
That earned him a look that said he was getting too fussy again. "Spock was kind enough to bring up an old PADD game he had from the Academy," Jim said as he got dressed, voice briefly muffled as he pulled on his shirt. "I haven't played much 3D chess, but figured it could be interesting. He's programmed it to speak aloud... you okay with that, or I could wear a headset."
Bones chuckled. "Ain't gonna bother me," he told Jim, heading to the sofa and making himself comfortable. Jim started up his game, and the room was filled with a comfortable silence except for the occasional electronic voice from the PADD and one of Jim's responses. Was this what Spock was doing when Bones managed to get up to the bridge earlier and spotted the Vulcan buried in a PADD? Probably not, but the idea of it made him smirk as he filled out a report about a crewman's injury from Engineering earlier that day.
He was curious if Jim had spoken with the Admiral since their confrontation on the bridge, or maybe Spock had taken over that duty to keep down animosity between Starfleet and the Enterprise. He didn't want to interrupt Jim's game though, seeing Jim leaning over the PADD with a furrowed brow, staring at nothing. The idea of playing chess without being able to see the board alone seemed like an incredibly difficult idea, but 3D chess? Impossible.
It surprised him when Jim spoke up first, "I think Starfleet is going to listen to me over Admiral Fersen."
Bones let that hang in the air a moment before he spoke. "Really?" PADD dropped onto one of the sofa cushions, he got up and headed to the replicator and got them both something to drink, sitting down next to Jim. "You talk to her anymore?"
"No," Jim's head tilted a little in his direction, then curled his fingers around the glass when Bones nudged the drink up against them. "I called Pike. Evidently, Forsen's been stirring up trouble about this back on Earth. Personally asked for this assignment to 'help' with the treaty." Jim snorted, shaking his head.
It was sad that didn't surprise him. Starfleet was supposed to be the best of them, but even here, politics and grabbing for position and even backstabbing wasn't as unexpected as they should have been. Beliefs and opinions were just as likely to sway a decision as science and data. "She got a problem with the political ramifications of this treaty, or she just doesn't like us?" he asked, head turning to the door when the chime went off - food was here.
"If I had to guess," Jim said as he turned in his seat, "both." Bones collected the two large trays, thanking the crewman that had brought them up. With replicators in every room, it was unusual for the galley to send something to someone's room shy of them being ill, but being the chief medical officer could always get results. He laid them out on the table, carefully pushing aside Jim's PADD.
"Decent looking roast beef, looks like Geoff was right," Bones had to admit. He looked at Jim, wondering if he should offer to help. The idea of Jim stabbing blindly with a knife at the roast beef was as dangerous as it was idiotic. "Jim, you want me to...?"
Jim's fingers paused where they were on top of the utensils, and after a second, he nodded. "Yeah, could you?"
Bones cut at the meat as quickly as he could into bite-sized pieces. "Roast is on the east side of the plate," he told him. "Got your potatoes and carrots down south, and some salad over on the west." Seemed as good as any a method of helping him visualize it.
Jim laughed a little, poking around until he had a good idea of where things were. "Feel like I'm going to be engaging in battle with my dinner instead of eating it." He speared a piece of the roast beef, popped it into his mouth, chew, then said calmly, "Look, victory." He laughed again, and Bones wondered if he was imagining that it sounded awkward.
Taking a few bites of his own, he closed his eyes and savored it before he continued talking. "What did Pike say about her?" he asked, curious.
"Says she's young, but conservative. Has a lot of sway with the older Admirals and higher ups. He says that they're trying to find another planet in this part of the sector to use instead of this one, but we all know that it isn't happening. There's a reason that this was such an important mission... now that we've got them wanting to join, half of Starfleet doesn't want them!" Jim shook his head, his fingers tightening to white knuckles on his fork.
"You gotta admit, Jim, from their perspective, what happened down there..." They still hadn't talked about it, not really. "We lost men, and it doesn't look like they care all that much about it." Bones poked at his carrots with his fork, sighing. "It's not an unexpected opinion."
"Cultural differences... you think I feel any less terrible about what happened? We shouldn't have lost either of them. I keep thinking... all the things I could have done differently, but didn't. They just don't see it like we do. We passed their test, at my own damn stupid bidding. I could have rejected it..." Jim's head fell forward into his other hand, fingers rubbing at the muscles around the eyes.
Bones took a long breath and watched Jim ignore his dinner, wishing he'd brought this up after they ate, or not at all. "I know," he said softly, putting his own fork down and reaching for Jim's hand. "I know what you're saying, I do, its just- there's a part of me that doesn't understand them, even now. You almost died." Bones rubbed at Jim's hand a moment before pulling back, fork returning to his hand. It was a while before he spoke again. "There's ice cream if you finish your dinner."
"...Did you just bribe me to eat with a sweet?" Jim asked after a stunned silence, then shook his head. His hand flexed on the table before he gestured with it. "I know I did. And I'm still..." He gave a somewhat angry gesture indicating his eyes. "But I'm not going to fuck this up. If we needed the Tuatarans that badly, I trusted Starfleet that we needed them that badly. If they're rejecting them now, what the hell did we go through all that for?"
There were times it was hard to listen to Jim, when he made so much damned sense it almost hurt. Bones remembered how cocky and sure he'd seemed back when they first met, telling everyone he'd be an officer in three years, fast track to his own ship. And here he was, captain of the goddamn flagship, in the middle of a diplomatic dispute a million miles away from Iowa.
And he was right, damn him. "I know," Bones replied, his voice quiet. "We need them. But we need you, too, to be a hundred percent, so yeah, I'm bribing you to eat. Desperate actions, that's what I've been reduced to. Damned bribery."
"I'm eating, I'm eating." Jim shoved a large lump of potatoes into his mouth, chowing down.
If Jim could only see the smile on Bones' face at that... but he couldn't. Despite the decrease in swelling, Jim still couldn't see, and Bones was beginning to worry. Not that he could let that show. "What else did you do today?"
"Made a lot of vid-comms that needed to be done. Seems like word of my accident spread through the whole damn system already, thanks to the Admiral." Jim shook his head. "Don't even know why I did 'em, but I could hear the surprise in their voice. Did my write-up on what happened down there on the planet."
None of them knew Jim Kirk like he did - nothing kept him down for long. "How's the preparations for the treaty signing going? That still on?"
"It is as far as I'm concerned. Whether or not the Admiral likes it, we're still under orders from a higher power than her." Jim smirked before he bit into a piece of the roast beef. Bones admitted to himself, he was pleased to see Jim clean his plate; he wanted the ice cream as much as Jim.
"Ceremony going to be here on board, or on the planet?" From what Bones understood, teams had been sent to the surface, safely returned, with more knowledge of the culture of the Tuatarans. "Would be nice to see Ruud again. I'd like to thank him, for his help."
"I want it here. We went to their turf, let them come to ours. Ruud..." Jim smiled at that. "You think they'd let him come? Saved our lives, I wonder..." His finger started tapping. "Maybe I could find a way to honor him. Something that would mean something to his people, not just ours."
"I'd like that." Bones collected their plates and set them aside. He brought two little bowls of ice cream over to the table, one hand on Jim's shoulder. "Want to go sit on the sofa, kick up your feet?"
Jim's fingers flexed once, then he gave a tiny shake of his head. "Think I'm gonna lay down, actually." But the odd tone in his voice was immediately banished with a grin. "Bring me dessert in bed?"
Dammit, how did Jim make everything sound dirty? "You feeling okay?" Bones wondered, following Jim as he touch-felt his way across the room and sat down on the edge of his bed. Dishes set on a side table, Bones fluffed up some pillows so Jim could sit up while he ate.
"Stop it," Jim said sharply, then let out a sigh. "Just... ice cream?" Jim held out a hand, his voice friendly again. "I smell strawberries."
Bones knew Jim was trying to keep those old habits under control, those that pushed everyone away from him when he needed help and couldn't admit it to anyone. still, it made Bones feel uncomfortable when Jim did that, that useless feeling inside. Handing the bowl to Jim, Bones stood and moved to get his padds from the living area. "Is there anything else you need right now?" he asked, feeling pushed away every time he tried to help. Maybe he should just leave.
"...Just some company from my doctor," Jim said with a smile, digging into his ice cream with relish. He licked some of it off his lips before he asked, "So, how's it looking? Any idea how long until...?" He pointed at his eyes, a look of false confidence on his face.
Bones sighed, dropping his things on the table. Jim's mood swings were to be expected, but that didn't make them any easier to deal with. "Just waiting now," he answered honestly. "It's just an area of the brain we're all still learning about. During your surgery we injected stem cells into your optic nerve. I hope," he continued, sitting on the edge of the bed, "that the cells will begin regenerating on there own."
Jim choked a little, looking up. "You injected..." There was a look of disgust on his face for a second before he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Great. That ruins a meal." Didn't stop him from digging into his ice cream.
Then, after only a second of silence - "Do you think we could get the Tuatarans to help us bring up Vickers' and Yamaguchi's bodies?" The sudden change of topic threw Bones for a loop. Jim had returned to using only their last names, distancing himself from what had happened. Bones wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad sign when it came to Jim's mind. Could be good, pulling back and giving himself some distance to keep the pain of what had happened from poisoning him.
But this was Jim. He took things into himself and processed them internally. Distancing himself could have meant that Jim wasn't processing it at all, like his blindness, and it would only end up far, far worse.
Bones ran a hand over his eyes, quiet, lost in thought. "Vickers, I think he'd be easier, buried out there. We left a marker. But Adam-" Bones exhaled, remembering that terrible moment, seeing both of them sinking, Adam's eyes staring at him as he fell underneath the quicksand. The panic in Bones' heart as he ran to save Jim from meeting the same fate. "I don't know if they'd be able to find Adam."
"Guess not." Jim was staring at the bowl of ice cream, but the blankness of his gaze showed that he wasn't seeing it. He put the bowl into the cup of his lap, the spoon dug deep into the scoop of ice cream. "Should have gotten more information about what this quest was before I said yes," his voice only a whisper.
"Jim," Bones moved to his side. "You can't think that. There was nothing about what they said that led any of us to think that this could happen." Resting his hand on Jim's arm, he squeezed gently. "This wasn't your fault."
"It's an alien species! An alien culture! We had no idea what it could mean, just accepted it at face value when I know the translators are still being tested..." Jim's hand came up and palmed over an eye, smoothing back across the brow until it could grab a handful of hair.
Bones slid his hand up and wrapped his hand loosely around Jim's wrist as he placed the bowl of ice cream on the table. "It's what anyone would have done. It's what they expect you to do, Jim. They gave you this ship because you make that sort of leap of faith." Someone had to take the chances, it was part and parcel of their job. Leaning forward, his voice dropped lower. "You saved me down there."
Jim's head lifted, tilted in his direction. It was painful, almost bizarre, because Jim was the type of man who looked someone in the eye when he spoke. "...Yeah." There was a lot in that single word, but for the life of him, Bones wasn't sure what it was. Maybe it was because he couldn't stare down into Jim's eyes, read his soul. That was where Jim exposed himself, at least, to him. Then, when Bones thought that Jim might have drifted off in his thoughts, he heard a quiet murmur. "You saved me too."
Jim had seemed to be taking all of this well. Maybe too well, Bones wondered, looking back on how accepting he'd been of this situation. Bones had chalked it up to Jim's determination, his 'never give up' spirit, but this close, it was easier to see the worn edges around Jim's facade of strength.
"We saved each other," Bones told him, taking Jim's hand in his, lacing their fingers together. He could feel them twitch, strain as if to pull away, then stopped. He knew that no one else got to see this, Jim afraid, and for that he was thankful. Maybe Jim needed someone he could be like this with, someone he could break down in front of, who wouldn't judge him.
With his other hand, Bones lifted Jim's chin, looked inside those sightless eyes, still the bluest blue but without that spark. He loved this face. Until this away mission, he might not have known quite how much he loved this face, and the man behind it, until he almost lost him. "Always gonna save each other, right?" he asked quietly, feeling his heart beating loud in his chest.
"Yeah, course we are. That's what friends do," Jim said quietly, fingers tightening. There was trust there, like a dog being held at the muzzle. "Couldn't let you get hurt, and someone has to put my crazy self back together."
"Friends, yeah," Bones repeated, almost a whisper as he cradled Jim's face. But he didn't have any other friends he felt this way about, that's for damn sure. Bones didn't know what was happening now, but all of a sudden it was clear to him - this is what he needed. What they both needed.
Closing his eyes, he let his fingers trace across Jim's brow, down his cheek, brushed his thumb across Jim's lip, feeling him by memory.
Jim hadn't pulled away, sitting perfectly still, warm breath from his mouth. "Bones?" he finally asked, his voice unsure and confused.
Bones opened his mouth to answer, but then didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he was doing either, only that this had been coming for a long time now, and he was ready. "Jim," all he could say before he leaned in and brushed their lips together. He felt Jim stiffen, and there was a little part of him that was glad to catch James T. Kirk by surprise for once. Immediately he tried to soothe it, keeping his touch light along the side of Jim's jaw. When Jim didn't move, didn't even seem to breathe, Bones lost some of his nerve, began questioning himself. He started to pull back, the first word of a rambling apology on his lips when Jim's hand came up, grabbing messily at his neck before gliding around to the back of it, and pulled him back into the kiss.
Some part of him assumed Jim would take right over, the expert he was legend to be. Instead Jim tilted his mouth away, then back again in a brush, deeper, and it became something more tender, exploratory in a way Bones hadn't imagined. He felt Jim's fingers mirror his own, gently mapping the surface of his face and neck through touch, and the longer it went on, the harder it became to think, harder to breathe until Bones had to pull back, hands gripping tight at Jim's shirt.
He lay their foreheads together, exhaling softly though his mouth. This wasn't anything like he expected. In all the many fantasies he'd allowed himself to have about Jim, there had always been something playful, something predatory, the feel that he was being stalked, hunted by the man in his arms. He'd turned Jim down enough times to know that his friend found him attractive, but it hadn't ever been enough before- Bones hadn't wanted to risk what they had for a quick tumble in the sheets.
This- this didn't feel like a tumble. This was deeper, something inside him filling up with lust and hunger and need, but there was more. Joy, excitement, affection, maybe even romance, and all of it he felt coming back to him from Jim, hitting him like a wave. Jim wanted him. Jim needed him, and Bones had almost lost him, without ever telling how he felt -all because he'd been so damned scared of being rejected.
Maybe... he could be not scared. He could be brave, like Jim, and be honest with himself. "I want this," he whispered into Jim's mouth. The friendship, the affection, the sex, all of it - Bones wanted it... and he was willing, finally, to ask for it.
Jim's lips and hands stilled, only the sounds of their breathing between them. He closed the centimeters between their lips with the softest brush, a single question said in silence. Are you sure?
Bones answered the only way he could. Jim's face in his hands, he slid their mouths together, plunging his tongue in deeply with a groan. Yes, wanted it, needed it, had to have it right now. Twisting his body, he moved over Jim's body, finding a place next to him, their arms and legs wrapping around each other as they stretched out long on Jim's bed. Bones' head was spinning, his mind moving a million miles a minute. This was Jim, familiar and warm and someone he knew better than anyone, but this was Jim, kissing him, pressing into him, and it was like nothing he'd ever known.
Cleared of confusion and given a goal of sorts, Jim's hands seemed determined to explore what his eyes couldn't. Fingertips delved under his shirt and spread against his skin, the palm smoothing over his abdomen and along his side until it could be used to pull him closer. Jim's body seemed to wrap around him, their legs tangling together, Jim's hands devouring him whole. That was what Jim was doing, and he only wanted more.
A smile fell on Bones' face as he felt Jim tugging at his shirt, and he lifted himself, helping along until they were both shirtless. He felt Jim's hands slide down to grasp at his ass and his eyes flew open, the sudden realization that this was happening. Bones also knew that Jim was still in a vulnerable place, with the loss of his sight so Bones watched his face carefully as he reached down and cupped the hardness between Jim's legs. Jim's gasp was loud and very real in the space between them, the thrust of his hips forward and the desperate instinctual grind as it found friction.
Bones felt Jim's fingers having to locate, feel their way across familiar-unfamiliar planes and geometry of his body to grasp at his shoulder, to pull his head forward. Now it was Jim's lips on him, Jim's breath hot on his ear. "Know how many nights," Bones could hear the grin, even as Jim's voice had that growl he'd never heard before, "I laid there, wishing I had just a chance at this?" which he punctuated with another forward roll of his hips.
Bones chuckled, thrusting shallowly back against Jim. Fuck, this could be amazing, the two of them together. Jim's obvious hunger gave him more confidence to let his own hands roam Jim's back, resting on his ass and pulling it closer to him. "You have me now," he nosed against Jim's ear.
The breathy laugh was almost a moan, made him shiver even as he felt Jim give a quick wriggle and stretch out over him. He turned his head to see Jim fumbling at the dresser and didn't have to guess what Jim pulled out without needing to see. The lube dropped within reaching distance on the nightstand and Jim was back, using his mouth to map the length of his neck, kiss where his pulse beat under his skin. Bones moaned at the idea of what would be happening soon, and began pulling at the fastenings to Jim' pants, pushing them down with his own until they were both naked and needy.
And then Jim's mouth was on his again, slow again, deep kisses that reduced the entire world to this bed and the two men on it. He caught his breath when Jim's hand wrapped around his cock, and when he looked up he saw Jim's face, alive with a myriad of emotions that Bones had never seen before on his friend. Memorizing that look, he moaned quietly as he began thrusting slow into Jim's hand. Jim's thumb rolled over the head of his cock, then pulled back up so he could lick the visible droplet of pre-cum hanging on the edge of his thumb. Jim licked his lips, smirking slightly and Bones exhaled loudly, "...fuck."
Then Jim's hand was on him again, and Bones was arching into it, groaning loud, harder than he'd been in years and he wondered at what point he'd lost control of this situation.
Still, Bones had no problem letting Jim take the lead here, if he wanted. Spreading his legs wider, Bones felt Jim shift lower, his long cock pressed against his hip. "Fuck, Jim," he murmured, kissing words into Jim's mouth, "don't wanna wait anymore."
"Don't have to," Jim whispered, pressing his lips against Bones' shoulder. "Don't have to." He grabbed for the lube, knocking it over in his attempt until he wrapped his fingers over it all in the process of trying not to fall off the bed, and nearly failing. Bones quick-grabbed for Jim's shoulder and levered him back, causing them to both pause and grin, Jim laughing first, happily nosing into skin as he got open the lube.
It had been years since Bones had been with another guy, and even though it was Jim touching him now, he held his breath as Jim's lube-covered fingers pressed into him. Nerve endings came alive under Jim's touch, and Bones arched as he felt fingers breech him, slowly opening and stretching him. His fingers dug into Jim's shoulder as he took deep breaths, feeling that strange pressure, not bad, just... different.
Jim's mouth was back on his neck again, biting at his collarbone and Bones groaned, feeling a second finger inside him. Jim was never silent, murmuring quiet words into his skin, little sounds and phrases of encouragement and compliments. Bones only caught snippets of them, feeling a flush run hot-cold through his body when Jim not only reached for his cock and gave a smirking dirty few words about the size of it, wondering how it'd feel inside of him.
Jim's fingers worked deeper in him, curving into him until he felt them nudge up against his prostate and he grunted out a sound of need with it. "Jim..." Bones groaned loud, his body alive with need. Fuck, it was good, this feeling of Jim inside him. But he wanted more. Spreading his legs wider, he rolled his hips up into Jim's fingers.
Bones groaned again when Jim gave a quiet laugh, nuzzling up to his ear. "Gonna tell me what you want?" Just a whisper, pure tease.
"...want you to fuck me," he bit at Jim's neck, the words pulled from him like a confession. At that moment there was nothing more he wanted than to feel Jim deep inside him. Pulling back to look in Jim's eyes, he surprised himself to realize he'd forgotten about the injury. Then Jim's fingers curled again, making Bones' cock throb as electricity snapped through his body. "Want you inside me."
The moan that left Jim was worth the small embarrassment of his words, and he matched it with his own when he suddenly felt empty as Jim's fingers pulled out of him. He felt them slide across his skin until they were at his hip, Jim feeling, trying to find his best position when he couldn't see. Bones reached down as he felt Jim poking at him, guiding Jim to him, feeling the blunt tip press where he wanted it. Another breath and then Jim was inside him, sliding slow and deep and thick, stretching him past anything he'd ever known before. Fingers grasped at Jim's shoulders and he gasped, pressing his head to Jim's shoulder.
There was a moment where Jim paused, deep inside him and Bones felt him shudder above him. Then he started moving, slow at first, pulling out then thrusting back inside, finding a rhythm where they came together, hands and mouths and groins. It was different, strange, good, the constant feeling of being filled, the smooth glide out, the emptiness that he wanted filled again. Jim's hands were tight on his hips, pulling him forward with each thrust. Bones forced his eyes open, staring at Jim's face. It was filled with concentration, at the brows and temples, and ended in lust with wet, parted lips. It was hard to remember why he had denied himself this for so longer, with Jim thrusting into him, and even harder when one of Jim's hands circled his cock and squeezed.
It didn't, couldn't, take long with Jim leaning over him, muttering curses and prayers. It was Jim who came first, gasping against his skin and wriggling even at his deepest point to get deeper, pulling a strangled groan out of Bones at that feeling of being completely filled. Jim's body convulsed against him, tightening up then relaxing like a snapped wire. For several moments, there was nothing at all except the heat of Jim's body against him, inside him, branding him in subtle ways.
But he was still hard, aching to finish and before he could say anything, Jim's hand started moving on his cock again. Jim didn't move from his spot above, left his forehead against Bones' collarbone and stroked him, fingers tight against him. It was more than just the friction that pulled Bones right back to the moment, cleared away every other damn thought, but the quiet, low, sex-ladened tone Jim whispered in. "Wanna feel you come, if I can't see it."
That voice, so much lower right now that Bones imagined and the hand gripping him were too much at once, after that pounding he'd taken. Unable to hold back another minute, Bones let go, shuddering, feeling his orgasm spilling out of him, slow onto Jim's hand. His hands gripped at the bed as his back arched during those last spasms. Jim kept up the honeyed words, thick in his head and it seemed to go on forever.
But eventually the room stopped spinning. Completely sated, Bones lay there, arms wrapped around Jim, his fingers threading through soft, blond hair. He hadn't been this blissful in a long time, and it wasn't even the sex, though that had been good, really good. It was this, the closeness, their two bodies still twined together in a way that made him smile. Bones hadn't allowed himself to even imagine this was possible, and now they were here.
There were worries in the back of his head. Jim's injury still weighed on his mind, as did his emotional state. Leaning down to kiss the top of Jim's head, Bones sighed, rumbling deep in his chest. "That was good."
"Mmm," Jim hummed a sound of appreciation as he shifted so his full weight wasn't on Bones, eyes still closed. He spread out, a sedated smile on his lips. "...I'll get up. Eventually." Which sounded like never, halfway to sleep already.
"No hurry," Bones murmured back, it only sort of occurring to him that this was Jim's room, and he was the one that needed to go. But it was warm here in Jim's arms, comfortable and why on earth would he want to leave this? But it was also cold in here, Jim's room a cooler temperature than he normally kept his own. Tugging at the blanket on Jim's bed, Bones pulled at it until there was enough to cover them both.
He felt Jim's snort. "Make yourself at home, why don't ya?" he chuckled quietly into his shoulder.
That wasn't the worst idea Bones heard that night... "Okay," he replied, pulling over one of the numerous pillows on Jim's bed, then tucked it under his head comfortably. "Night, Jim," he added, trying to keep a straight face as he pretended to fall asleep.
There was a long silence in the room, then Bones felt Jim's fingers creeping over his side and up his chest. It tickled, so he squirmed for a second before grumpily getting ready to shove it off, but it stopped there on his chest and flattened. "...You're really here, right?" Jim's voice was quiet, thick with sleep.
There was so much he wanted to say right now, but they'd done a lot tonight. They could talk tomorrow. "Go to sleep, Jim." And though he hadn't intended originally on spending the night, Jim's arms were wrapped tight around him, the most amazing feeling, and there was no way he was leaving now.
Authors: salvaged_pride and sullacat
Artist: gadgetorious
Fanmixer: dizilla
Beta: shinychimera
Series: Star Trek XI
Characters/Pairings: Kirk/McCoy
Rating: R
Chapter Word Count: 7338 out of 42601
Summary: Jim is everything he needs to be when he's sent on a diplomatic mission to meet a potential new addition to the Federation - charming, calm, convincing - especially with his CMO at his side to back him up. But when Jim, Bones, and their security team wake up in the depths of an alien jungle and are given a mission to succeed or die, they'll need not only to survive, but come to terms with their true feelings for each other. Will it destroy their friendship or save them both?
Is it enough to teach Jim and Bones what they have been blind to - that sometimes there's more than just meets the eye, and the loss of one's world can lead to another?
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The Art | The Mix
It was mid-morning when he returned to check on Jim's progress. He didn't see Jim right away when he walked into the captain's room, and for a moment he was worried, wondering where the he'd captain had gone. "Jim?"
Jim walked out of the bathroom, fingers trailing along carefully. "Bones?" He gave a glare in the general of the door. "You turned off my alarm."
"You needed your beauty sleep," Bones retorted, glad Jim couldn't see the sad look on his face as Jim made his way toward him. It was hard, really hard, seeing his best friend like this. Aside from the blindness, Jim was physically better, rested and fed...but that spark was still gone. "You get breakfast yet?" he asked, pulling some fruit and danish out of a bag.
"I had coffee," Jim shrugged, moving slowly until he found the edge of the table, then the chair, and sat down.
Bones handed him a pastry and headed to the replicator, getting a coffee for himself. "How's the head feel?" he asked, sitting back down next to Jim, grabbing a roll for himself.
Jim made the so-so gesture. "Better, but there's this..." He gestured vaguely over where the wound, and now his missing hair was, "pressure. Makes it hard to concentrate sometimes."
Out came the scanner, and Bones examined the injured area, checking the regenerated skin on the back of his head, doing what he could to alleviate that pressure. "Want something for the pain?" he asked, knowing the answer but feeling the need to make the offer nonetheless.
"No," - no surprise, "coffee's helping for now. The caffeine I guess?" Jim hazarded a guess, but he tore into the pastry messily. The appetite returning was another good sign, and all the other readings were acceptable.
"Okay, let's talk," Bones said, putting the medical equipment away. "It's been a couple of days and you're done very well with your progress. The swelling's completely gone from the area of injury. Your vital signs are good, no sign of infection or distress... so I'm giving you permission to leave the room," Bones told him, hoping this was the right move. "You can work on light duty, paperwork, if you want, make that yeoman of yours earn her pay this month by helping you get those things done, the boring stuff you need to take care of." He sighed, watching Jim's face twist a little, as if 'boring' was the last thing he wanted to do. "No away missions, no overdoing it with exercise and fucking up all the work I did on your head... don't make that face, you know what I mean."
Jim still looked upset, and Bones sighed. "Look, Jim - do what you need to do, just-" But it was hard, the things Jim really wanted to do would require his sight. "No more than a few hours on the bridge, okay?"
"I need more than a few hours, Bones," Jim said immediately, quickly, one hand splaying flat on the table. "I need a full shift. It's been what, two days? I've been pacing the room all morning. I can't even see dammit and I could tell you exactly how many steps it takes to get around this room because I've paced it so much!" There was a fire in his voice that normally was in his eyes.
"You think I want you off the bridge any longer than necessary?" Bones' frustrated voice matched his face, not that Jim could see it. "This is me, Jim. Work with me here, a few hours at first."
Jim shook his head. "I can't take this boredom anymore!"
Bones sighed. What was the point, really, when no one listened. "You need any help getting anywhere?"
"Get me up to the bridge and I can do the rest." Jim stood up. There was a longing in his voice that was almost sad, when hated paperwork gave Jim some sort of excitement.
So Bones nodded, and grabbed another danish. "Get dressed," he said in a quieter voice. "You need me to get your over shirt?"
Jim followed memory over to the drawers, pulling out basics. When he didn't say anything, Bones accepted that as a 'no' until he heard Jim, "...Yeah, and a pair of pants?" He looked over, but Jim was focused on feeling fabrics. Picking out a clean uniform, he handed them to Jim and sat back down, finishing his coffee.
"Spock talk to you about anything?" Bones asked, watching Jim slowly dress and fix his uniform.
"Actually, he hasn't been here but he commed me and went through his report." Jim's hands paused, and he gave an odd smirk. "Acting Captain." Without much context he stood up to finish dressing, fingering material to put on his shirts in the right order. Once he finished, Bones cleaned up the table while Jim pulled on his boots, carefully feeling to see that he had them on the right foot.
"Ready?" Bones asked, holding out his arm.
Jim found it a second later and nodded. "So, are you my seeing-eye Bones?"
Bones made a noise, halfway between a sigh and a groan. "C'mon," he answered, leading Jim down the hall, toward the bridge of the ship. Along the way, people stopped and talked to Jim, not just as their captain but as another human being. Bones was pleased when he heard them keeping the pity out of their voices - after all, gossip spread no where faster than on a starship - and when they told Jim they were glad he was back on board and safe, glad to see him around again.
He dropped Jim off on the bridge, watching with a proud smile on his face as Jim seemed to get back into the swing of things quick enough. It was good that Jim was back at work - Bones knew that it was better than Jim sitting in his room, ruminating about it. A bored Jim was a dangerous Jim, to himself and to other people's sanity.
But still - something wasn't right about the situation. Jim never let anything keep him down for long - when someone or something knocked him down, Jim got back up and got things done. But if Bones were being honest with himself, he would admit to being a little worried about how well Jim was taking all this. Calm and collected and patient, way too patient for Jim, who Bones expected to be more adamant about his treatment, more interested in his recovery. This Jim seemed too passive about the situation, which only meant one thing - he was keeping the anxiety and grief deep inside, away from everyone else, including his best friend.
Only one other time in their friendship had Bones seen Jim breakdown. One night over a bottle of shared tequila, Jim let go, emotions pushed so far down unexpectedly surfaced after an argument with a teacher. Bones sat and listened, mostly drunk himself, but things made sense after that - why Jim's teenage years were spent wandering town to town; why he reacted violently to being touched unexpectedly; why he hoarded food, thinking Bones didn't see the bags of protein nibs in the back of the closet. One word - Tarsus - and Bones didn't ask any more after that, just let the information fall into place.
Bones wondered if this were happening again - that tamping down of worry and concern over something Jim couldn't control. Staring at his computer terminal, he asked himself if maybe he should press the issue with Jim, try to get it out before it exploded like before.
With that in mind, Bones excused himself from Sickbay at the end of his shift, taking his paperwork for the day with him. It was just as easy to do the tedious stuff in Jim's quarters than it was in his own, and they'd both enjoy the company. Maybe Bones would see what the galley cooked up for dinner and order some up to Jim's room. He pressed the buzzer to the captain's quarters, frowning when there was no answer. Could be that Jim was asleep, though they used to joke that Jim set the damned buzzer loud enough to wake the dead.
Bones was about to use his override when he heard Jim's voice coming from down the corridor. Spock's voice echoed after, and he stepped back from the door just in time to see the pair of them walking down the hall together. Much to Bones' amusement, Spock looked even more stiff than usual with Jim's arm through his, Jim's fingers trailing along the wall. He looked to Spock, who gave a curt nod in his direction before turning his attention to Jim. "Doctor McCoy is here. I believe between the two of you, you will be capable of handling your guidance for the rest of the evening." Aw, had the Vulcan taken his turn at seeing eye dog all day?
"Bones?" Jim's head turned forward.
"Yeah, I'm here. Looks like you managed for the day." It wasn't his most graceful response ever, but nevertheless Jim grinned.
"Spock and Rand took good care of me, Mom," Jim teased, reaching out and finding the edge of the door as it opened in the presence of the room's owner.
Spock's head tilted slightly, which never failed to amuse Bones. Just like a dog when given an command it didn't understand. "Why are you calling Doctor McCoy 'mom' when he is clearly not your maternal-"
Jim cut him off with a wave of his hand. "It's a joke, Spock. Thanks for getting me down here, and helping out today. I know you've been busy..." He didn't need to finish, they all knew why Spock would be busier than normal.
Spock took it well in hand though. "Of course, Captain. We will continue where we left off at 0900 tomorrow," and with a second nod in Bones' direction, "Doctor McCoy," Spock turned on his heel and left.
Jim looked over his shoulder at Bones and gave a smile. "Starving, how about you? Spock is wrangling Rand into making sure I eat. At 1200 on the dot, nonetheless," he laughed as he felt his way into the room, and Bones couldn't have felt more proud of him even as in the back of his head he kept his own warning in mind.
"Yeah, I'm hungry," he answered, glad to hear about his allies in watching over Jim right now. "I'll get some food sent up while you get settled, how's that sound?"
"Anything good from the galley tonight?" Jim asked as he felt carefully along to his bed, then started to strip down out of his uniform. Bones wondered why it was different now, in these quarters, than when they shared a room in the dorms. He'd admired Jim's body back then, thought about it sometimes when he was jacking off in the shower, but... it was different now. Somewhere between then and now Leonard McCoy had fallen in love with his best friend, Jim - his body, his mind, his humor - all of it was tangled up together in something that Bones wanted to protect and take care of.
Because of that, he lowered his eyes as Jim changed. "Usual. Geoff said the pot roast was good, thought I'd try some." He heard some scraping and shuffling, so he looked up, eyes lighting on Jim's backside, strong legs and perfect ass as he pulled things out of his drawers. "You need help with that?" he asked, taking a step toward him.
"Think I might have managed it this time," Jim said cautiously, in a tone that suggested he wanted Bones to tell him a yes or no. He had a pair of sweat pants and a t-shirt from a bar they had gone to more than a dozen times at the Academy. He was fingering the t-shirt, feeling for the tag.
"That'll work," Bones told him, going to the computer terminal and punching up the menu from the galley and ordered some dinner for the both of them. "I was gonna go sit on the sofa, read a bit 'til dinner showed up. You wanna go over there, or you wanna sit at the table instead?"
That earned him a look that said he was getting too fussy again. "Spock was kind enough to bring up an old PADD game he had from the Academy," Jim said as he got dressed, voice briefly muffled as he pulled on his shirt. "I haven't played much 3D chess, but figured it could be interesting. He's programmed it to speak aloud... you okay with that, or I could wear a headset."
Bones chuckled. "Ain't gonna bother me," he told Jim, heading to the sofa and making himself comfortable. Jim started up his game, and the room was filled with a comfortable silence except for the occasional electronic voice from the PADD and one of Jim's responses. Was this what Spock was doing when Bones managed to get up to the bridge earlier and spotted the Vulcan buried in a PADD? Probably not, but the idea of it made him smirk as he filled out a report about a crewman's injury from Engineering earlier that day.
He was curious if Jim had spoken with the Admiral since their confrontation on the bridge, or maybe Spock had taken over that duty to keep down animosity between Starfleet and the Enterprise. He didn't want to interrupt Jim's game though, seeing Jim leaning over the PADD with a furrowed brow, staring at nothing. The idea of playing chess without being able to see the board alone seemed like an incredibly difficult idea, but 3D chess? Impossible.
It surprised him when Jim spoke up first, "I think Starfleet is going to listen to me over Admiral Fersen."
Bones let that hang in the air a moment before he spoke. "Really?" PADD dropped onto one of the sofa cushions, he got up and headed to the replicator and got them both something to drink, sitting down next to Jim. "You talk to her anymore?"
"No," Jim's head tilted a little in his direction, then curled his fingers around the glass when Bones nudged the drink up against them. "I called Pike. Evidently, Forsen's been stirring up trouble about this back on Earth. Personally asked for this assignment to 'help' with the treaty." Jim snorted, shaking his head.
It was sad that didn't surprise him. Starfleet was supposed to be the best of them, but even here, politics and grabbing for position and even backstabbing wasn't as unexpected as they should have been. Beliefs and opinions were just as likely to sway a decision as science and data. "She got a problem with the political ramifications of this treaty, or she just doesn't like us?" he asked, head turning to the door when the chime went off - food was here.
"If I had to guess," Jim said as he turned in his seat, "both." Bones collected the two large trays, thanking the crewman that had brought them up. With replicators in every room, it was unusual for the galley to send something to someone's room shy of them being ill, but being the chief medical officer could always get results. He laid them out on the table, carefully pushing aside Jim's PADD.
"Decent looking roast beef, looks like Geoff was right," Bones had to admit. He looked at Jim, wondering if he should offer to help. The idea of Jim stabbing blindly with a knife at the roast beef was as dangerous as it was idiotic. "Jim, you want me to...?"
Jim's fingers paused where they were on top of the utensils, and after a second, he nodded. "Yeah, could you?"
Bones cut at the meat as quickly as he could into bite-sized pieces. "Roast is on the east side of the plate," he told him. "Got your potatoes and carrots down south, and some salad over on the west." Seemed as good as any a method of helping him visualize it.
Jim laughed a little, poking around until he had a good idea of where things were. "Feel like I'm going to be engaging in battle with my dinner instead of eating it." He speared a piece of the roast beef, popped it into his mouth, chew, then said calmly, "Look, victory." He laughed again, and Bones wondered if he was imagining that it sounded awkward.
Taking a few bites of his own, he closed his eyes and savored it before he continued talking. "What did Pike say about her?" he asked, curious.
"Says she's young, but conservative. Has a lot of sway with the older Admirals and higher ups. He says that they're trying to find another planet in this part of the sector to use instead of this one, but we all know that it isn't happening. There's a reason that this was such an important mission... now that we've got them wanting to join, half of Starfleet doesn't want them!" Jim shook his head, his fingers tightening to white knuckles on his fork.
"You gotta admit, Jim, from their perspective, what happened down there..." They still hadn't talked about it, not really. "We lost men, and it doesn't look like they care all that much about it." Bones poked at his carrots with his fork, sighing. "It's not an unexpected opinion."
"Cultural differences... you think I feel any less terrible about what happened? We shouldn't have lost either of them. I keep thinking... all the things I could have done differently, but didn't. They just don't see it like we do. We passed their test, at my own damn stupid bidding. I could have rejected it..." Jim's head fell forward into his other hand, fingers rubbing at the muscles around the eyes.
Bones took a long breath and watched Jim ignore his dinner, wishing he'd brought this up after they ate, or not at all. "I know," he said softly, putting his own fork down and reaching for Jim's hand. "I know what you're saying, I do, its just- there's a part of me that doesn't understand them, even now. You almost died." Bones rubbed at Jim's hand a moment before pulling back, fork returning to his hand. It was a while before he spoke again. "There's ice cream if you finish your dinner."
"...Did you just bribe me to eat with a sweet?" Jim asked after a stunned silence, then shook his head. His hand flexed on the table before he gestured with it. "I know I did. And I'm still..." He gave a somewhat angry gesture indicating his eyes. "But I'm not going to fuck this up. If we needed the Tuatarans that badly, I trusted Starfleet that we needed them that badly. If they're rejecting them now, what the hell did we go through all that for?"
There were times it was hard to listen to Jim, when he made so much damned sense it almost hurt. Bones remembered how cocky and sure he'd seemed back when they first met, telling everyone he'd be an officer in three years, fast track to his own ship. And here he was, captain of the goddamn flagship, in the middle of a diplomatic dispute a million miles away from Iowa.
And he was right, damn him. "I know," Bones replied, his voice quiet. "We need them. But we need you, too, to be a hundred percent, so yeah, I'm bribing you to eat. Desperate actions, that's what I've been reduced to. Damned bribery."
"I'm eating, I'm eating." Jim shoved a large lump of potatoes into his mouth, chowing down.
If Jim could only see the smile on Bones' face at that... but he couldn't. Despite the decrease in swelling, Jim still couldn't see, and Bones was beginning to worry. Not that he could let that show. "What else did you do today?"
"Made a lot of vid-comms that needed to be done. Seems like word of my accident spread through the whole damn system already, thanks to the Admiral." Jim shook his head. "Don't even know why I did 'em, but I could hear the surprise in their voice. Did my write-up on what happened down there on the planet."
None of them knew Jim Kirk like he did - nothing kept him down for long. "How's the preparations for the treaty signing going? That still on?"
"It is as far as I'm concerned. Whether or not the Admiral likes it, we're still under orders from a higher power than her." Jim smirked before he bit into a piece of the roast beef. Bones admitted to himself, he was pleased to see Jim clean his plate; he wanted the ice cream as much as Jim.
"Ceremony going to be here on board, or on the planet?" From what Bones understood, teams had been sent to the surface, safely returned, with more knowledge of the culture of the Tuatarans. "Would be nice to see Ruud again. I'd like to thank him, for his help."
"I want it here. We went to their turf, let them come to ours. Ruud..." Jim smiled at that. "You think they'd let him come? Saved our lives, I wonder..." His finger started tapping. "Maybe I could find a way to honor him. Something that would mean something to his people, not just ours."
"I'd like that." Bones collected their plates and set them aside. He brought two little bowls of ice cream over to the table, one hand on Jim's shoulder. "Want to go sit on the sofa, kick up your feet?"
Jim's fingers flexed once, then he gave a tiny shake of his head. "Think I'm gonna lay down, actually." But the odd tone in his voice was immediately banished with a grin. "Bring me dessert in bed?"
Dammit, how did Jim make everything sound dirty? "You feeling okay?" Bones wondered, following Jim as he touch-felt his way across the room and sat down on the edge of his bed. Dishes set on a side table, Bones fluffed up some pillows so Jim could sit up while he ate.
"Stop it," Jim said sharply, then let out a sigh. "Just... ice cream?" Jim held out a hand, his voice friendly again. "I smell strawberries."
Bones knew Jim was trying to keep those old habits under control, those that pushed everyone away from him when he needed help and couldn't admit it to anyone. still, it made Bones feel uncomfortable when Jim did that, that useless feeling inside. Handing the bowl to Jim, Bones stood and moved to get his padds from the living area. "Is there anything else you need right now?" he asked, feeling pushed away every time he tried to help. Maybe he should just leave.
"...Just some company from my doctor," Jim said with a smile, digging into his ice cream with relish. He licked some of it off his lips before he asked, "So, how's it looking? Any idea how long until...?" He pointed at his eyes, a look of false confidence on his face.
Bones sighed, dropping his things on the table. Jim's mood swings were to be expected, but that didn't make them any easier to deal with. "Just waiting now," he answered honestly. "It's just an area of the brain we're all still learning about. During your surgery we injected stem cells into your optic nerve. I hope," he continued, sitting on the edge of the bed, "that the cells will begin regenerating on there own."
Jim choked a little, looking up. "You injected..." There was a look of disgust on his face for a second before he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Great. That ruins a meal." Didn't stop him from digging into his ice cream.
Then, after only a second of silence - "Do you think we could get the Tuatarans to help us bring up Vickers' and Yamaguchi's bodies?" The sudden change of topic threw Bones for a loop. Jim had returned to using only their last names, distancing himself from what had happened. Bones wasn't sure if that was a good or a bad sign when it came to Jim's mind. Could be good, pulling back and giving himself some distance to keep the pain of what had happened from poisoning him.
But this was Jim. He took things into himself and processed them internally. Distancing himself could have meant that Jim wasn't processing it at all, like his blindness, and it would only end up far, far worse.
Bones ran a hand over his eyes, quiet, lost in thought. "Vickers, I think he'd be easier, buried out there. We left a marker. But Adam-" Bones exhaled, remembering that terrible moment, seeing both of them sinking, Adam's eyes staring at him as he fell underneath the quicksand. The panic in Bones' heart as he ran to save Jim from meeting the same fate. "I don't know if they'd be able to find Adam."
"Guess not." Jim was staring at the bowl of ice cream, but the blankness of his gaze showed that he wasn't seeing it. He put the bowl into the cup of his lap, the spoon dug deep into the scoop of ice cream. "Should have gotten more information about what this quest was before I said yes," his voice only a whisper.
"Jim," Bones moved to his side. "You can't think that. There was nothing about what they said that led any of us to think that this could happen." Resting his hand on Jim's arm, he squeezed gently. "This wasn't your fault."
"It's an alien species! An alien culture! We had no idea what it could mean, just accepted it at face value when I know the translators are still being tested..." Jim's hand came up and palmed over an eye, smoothing back across the brow until it could grab a handful of hair.
Bones slid his hand up and wrapped his hand loosely around Jim's wrist as he placed the bowl of ice cream on the table. "It's what anyone would have done. It's what they expect you to do, Jim. They gave you this ship because you make that sort of leap of faith." Someone had to take the chances, it was part and parcel of their job. Leaning forward, his voice dropped lower. "You saved me down there."
Jim's head lifted, tilted in his direction. It was painful, almost bizarre, because Jim was the type of man who looked someone in the eye when he spoke. "...Yeah." There was a lot in that single word, but for the life of him, Bones wasn't sure what it was. Maybe it was because he couldn't stare down into Jim's eyes, read his soul. That was where Jim exposed himself, at least, to him. Then, when Bones thought that Jim might have drifted off in his thoughts, he heard a quiet murmur. "You saved me too."
Jim had seemed to be taking all of this well. Maybe too well, Bones wondered, looking back on how accepting he'd been of this situation. Bones had chalked it up to Jim's determination, his 'never give up' spirit, but this close, it was easier to see the worn edges around Jim's facade of strength.
"We saved each other," Bones told him, taking Jim's hand in his, lacing their fingers together. He could feel them twitch, strain as if to pull away, then stopped. He knew that no one else got to see this, Jim afraid, and for that he was thankful. Maybe Jim needed someone he could be like this with, someone he could break down in front of, who wouldn't judge him.
With his other hand, Bones lifted Jim's chin, looked inside those sightless eyes, still the bluest blue but without that spark. He loved this face. Until this away mission, he might not have known quite how much he loved this face, and the man behind it, until he almost lost him. "Always gonna save each other, right?" he asked quietly, feeling his heart beating loud in his chest.
"Yeah, course we are. That's what friends do," Jim said quietly, fingers tightening. There was trust there, like a dog being held at the muzzle. "Couldn't let you get hurt, and someone has to put my crazy self back together."
"Friends, yeah," Bones repeated, almost a whisper as he cradled Jim's face. But he didn't have any other friends he felt this way about, that's for damn sure. Bones didn't know what was happening now, but all of a sudden it was clear to him - this is what he needed. What they both needed.
Closing his eyes, he let his fingers trace across Jim's brow, down his cheek, brushed his thumb across Jim's lip, feeling him by memory.
Jim hadn't pulled away, sitting perfectly still, warm breath from his mouth. "Bones?" he finally asked, his voice unsure and confused.
Bones opened his mouth to answer, but then didn't know what to say. He didn't know what he was doing either, only that this had been coming for a long time now, and he was ready. "Jim," all he could say before he leaned in and brushed their lips together. He felt Jim stiffen, and there was a little part of him that was glad to catch James T. Kirk by surprise for once. Immediately he tried to soothe it, keeping his touch light along the side of Jim's jaw. When Jim didn't move, didn't even seem to breathe, Bones lost some of his nerve, began questioning himself. He started to pull back, the first word of a rambling apology on his lips when Jim's hand came up, grabbing messily at his neck before gliding around to the back of it, and pulled him back into the kiss.
Some part of him assumed Jim would take right over, the expert he was legend to be. Instead Jim tilted his mouth away, then back again in a brush, deeper, and it became something more tender, exploratory in a way Bones hadn't imagined. He felt Jim's fingers mirror his own, gently mapping the surface of his face and neck through touch, and the longer it went on, the harder it became to think, harder to breathe until Bones had to pull back, hands gripping tight at Jim's shirt.
He lay their foreheads together, exhaling softly though his mouth. This wasn't anything like he expected. In all the many fantasies he'd allowed himself to have about Jim, there had always been something playful, something predatory, the feel that he was being stalked, hunted by the man in his arms. He'd turned Jim down enough times to know that his friend found him attractive, but it hadn't ever been enough before- Bones hadn't wanted to risk what they had for a quick tumble in the sheets.
This- this didn't feel like a tumble. This was deeper, something inside him filling up with lust and hunger and need, but there was more. Joy, excitement, affection, maybe even romance, and all of it he felt coming back to him from Jim, hitting him like a wave. Jim wanted him. Jim needed him, and Bones had almost lost him, without ever telling how he felt -all because he'd been so damned scared of being rejected.
Maybe... he could be not scared. He could be brave, like Jim, and be honest with himself. "I want this," he whispered into Jim's mouth. The friendship, the affection, the sex, all of it - Bones wanted it... and he was willing, finally, to ask for it.
Jim's lips and hands stilled, only the sounds of their breathing between them. He closed the centimeters between their lips with the softest brush, a single question said in silence. Are you sure?
Bones answered the only way he could. Jim's face in his hands, he slid their mouths together, plunging his tongue in deeply with a groan. Yes, wanted it, needed it, had to have it right now. Twisting his body, he moved over Jim's body, finding a place next to him, their arms and legs wrapping around each other as they stretched out long on Jim's bed. Bones' head was spinning, his mind moving a million miles a minute. This was Jim, familiar and warm and someone he knew better than anyone, but this was Jim, kissing him, pressing into him, and it was like nothing he'd ever known.
Cleared of confusion and given a goal of sorts, Jim's hands seemed determined to explore what his eyes couldn't. Fingertips delved under his shirt and spread against his skin, the palm smoothing over his abdomen and along his side until it could be used to pull him closer. Jim's body seemed to wrap around him, their legs tangling together, Jim's hands devouring him whole. That was what Jim was doing, and he only wanted more.
A smile fell on Bones' face as he felt Jim tugging at his shirt, and he lifted himself, helping along until they were both shirtless. He felt Jim's hands slide down to grasp at his ass and his eyes flew open, the sudden realization that this was happening. Bones also knew that Jim was still in a vulnerable place, with the loss of his sight so Bones watched his face carefully as he reached down and cupped the hardness between Jim's legs. Jim's gasp was loud and very real in the space between them, the thrust of his hips forward and the desperate instinctual grind as it found friction.
Bones felt Jim's fingers having to locate, feel their way across familiar-unfamiliar planes and geometry of his body to grasp at his shoulder, to pull his head forward. Now it was Jim's lips on him, Jim's breath hot on his ear. "Know how many nights," Bones could hear the grin, even as Jim's voice had that growl he'd never heard before, "I laid there, wishing I had just a chance at this?" which he punctuated with another forward roll of his hips.
Bones chuckled, thrusting shallowly back against Jim. Fuck, this could be amazing, the two of them together. Jim's obvious hunger gave him more confidence to let his own hands roam Jim's back, resting on his ass and pulling it closer to him. "You have me now," he nosed against Jim's ear.
The breathy laugh was almost a moan, made him shiver even as he felt Jim give a quick wriggle and stretch out over him. He turned his head to see Jim fumbling at the dresser and didn't have to guess what Jim pulled out without needing to see. The lube dropped within reaching distance on the nightstand and Jim was back, using his mouth to map the length of his neck, kiss where his pulse beat under his skin. Bones moaned at the idea of what would be happening soon, and began pulling at the fastenings to Jim' pants, pushing them down with his own until they were both naked and needy.
And then Jim's mouth was on his again, slow again, deep kisses that reduced the entire world to this bed and the two men on it. He caught his breath when Jim's hand wrapped around his cock, and when he looked up he saw Jim's face, alive with a myriad of emotions that Bones had never seen before on his friend. Memorizing that look, he moaned quietly as he began thrusting slow into Jim's hand. Jim's thumb rolled over the head of his cock, then pulled back up so he could lick the visible droplet of pre-cum hanging on the edge of his thumb. Jim licked his lips, smirking slightly and Bones exhaled loudly, "...fuck."
Then Jim's hand was on him again, and Bones was arching into it, groaning loud, harder than he'd been in years and he wondered at what point he'd lost control of this situation.
Still, Bones had no problem letting Jim take the lead here, if he wanted. Spreading his legs wider, Bones felt Jim shift lower, his long cock pressed against his hip. "Fuck, Jim," he murmured, kissing words into Jim's mouth, "don't wanna wait anymore."
"Don't have to," Jim whispered, pressing his lips against Bones' shoulder. "Don't have to." He grabbed for the lube, knocking it over in his attempt until he wrapped his fingers over it all in the process of trying not to fall off the bed, and nearly failing. Bones quick-grabbed for Jim's shoulder and levered him back, causing them to both pause and grin, Jim laughing first, happily nosing into skin as he got open the lube.
It had been years since Bones had been with another guy, and even though it was Jim touching him now, he held his breath as Jim's lube-covered fingers pressed into him. Nerve endings came alive under Jim's touch, and Bones arched as he felt fingers breech him, slowly opening and stretching him. His fingers dug into Jim's shoulder as he took deep breaths, feeling that strange pressure, not bad, just... different.
Jim's mouth was back on his neck again, biting at his collarbone and Bones groaned, feeling a second finger inside him. Jim was never silent, murmuring quiet words into his skin, little sounds and phrases of encouragement and compliments. Bones only caught snippets of them, feeling a flush run hot-cold through his body when Jim not only reached for his cock and gave a smirking dirty few words about the size of it, wondering how it'd feel inside of him.
Jim's fingers worked deeper in him, curving into him until he felt them nudge up against his prostate and he grunted out a sound of need with it. "Jim..." Bones groaned loud, his body alive with need. Fuck, it was good, this feeling of Jim inside him. But he wanted more. Spreading his legs wider, he rolled his hips up into Jim's fingers.
Bones groaned again when Jim gave a quiet laugh, nuzzling up to his ear. "Gonna tell me what you want?" Just a whisper, pure tease.
"...want you to fuck me," he bit at Jim's neck, the words pulled from him like a confession. At that moment there was nothing more he wanted than to feel Jim deep inside him. Pulling back to look in Jim's eyes, he surprised himself to realize he'd forgotten about the injury. Then Jim's fingers curled again, making Bones' cock throb as electricity snapped through his body. "Want you inside me."
The moan that left Jim was worth the small embarrassment of his words, and he matched it with his own when he suddenly felt empty as Jim's fingers pulled out of him. He felt them slide across his skin until they were at his hip, Jim feeling, trying to find his best position when he couldn't see. Bones reached down as he felt Jim poking at him, guiding Jim to him, feeling the blunt tip press where he wanted it. Another breath and then Jim was inside him, sliding slow and deep and thick, stretching him past anything he'd ever known before. Fingers grasped at Jim's shoulders and he gasped, pressing his head to Jim's shoulder.
There was a moment where Jim paused, deep inside him and Bones felt him shudder above him. Then he started moving, slow at first, pulling out then thrusting back inside, finding a rhythm where they came together, hands and mouths and groins. It was different, strange, good, the constant feeling of being filled, the smooth glide out, the emptiness that he wanted filled again. Jim's hands were tight on his hips, pulling him forward with each thrust. Bones forced his eyes open, staring at Jim's face. It was filled with concentration, at the brows and temples, and ended in lust with wet, parted lips. It was hard to remember why he had denied himself this for so longer, with Jim thrusting into him, and even harder when one of Jim's hands circled his cock and squeezed.
It didn't, couldn't, take long with Jim leaning over him, muttering curses and prayers. It was Jim who came first, gasping against his skin and wriggling even at his deepest point to get deeper, pulling a strangled groan out of Bones at that feeling of being completely filled. Jim's body convulsed against him, tightening up then relaxing like a snapped wire. For several moments, there was nothing at all except the heat of Jim's body against him, inside him, branding him in subtle ways.
But he was still hard, aching to finish and before he could say anything, Jim's hand started moving on his cock again. Jim didn't move from his spot above, left his forehead against Bones' collarbone and stroked him, fingers tight against him. It was more than just the friction that pulled Bones right back to the moment, cleared away every other damn thought, but the quiet, low, sex-ladened tone Jim whispered in. "Wanna feel you come, if I can't see it."
That voice, so much lower right now that Bones imagined and the hand gripping him were too much at once, after that pounding he'd taken. Unable to hold back another minute, Bones let go, shuddering, feeling his orgasm spilling out of him, slow onto Jim's hand. His hands gripped at the bed as his back arched during those last spasms. Jim kept up the honeyed words, thick in his head and it seemed to go on forever.
But eventually the room stopped spinning. Completely sated, Bones lay there, arms wrapped around Jim, his fingers threading through soft, blond hair. He hadn't been this blissful in a long time, and it wasn't even the sex, though that had been good, really good. It was this, the closeness, their two bodies still twined together in a way that made him smile. Bones hadn't allowed himself to even imagine this was possible, and now they were here.
There were worries in the back of his head. Jim's injury still weighed on his mind, as did his emotional state. Leaning down to kiss the top of Jim's head, Bones sighed, rumbling deep in his chest. "That was good."
"Mmm," Jim hummed a sound of appreciation as he shifted so his full weight wasn't on Bones, eyes still closed. He spread out, a sedated smile on his lips. "...I'll get up. Eventually." Which sounded like never, halfway to sleep already.
"No hurry," Bones murmured back, it only sort of occurring to him that this was Jim's room, and he was the one that needed to go. But it was warm here in Jim's arms, comfortable and why on earth would he want to leave this? But it was also cold in here, Jim's room a cooler temperature than he normally kept his own. Tugging at the blanket on Jim's bed, Bones pulled at it until there was enough to cover them both.
He felt Jim's snort. "Make yourself at home, why don't ya?" he chuckled quietly into his shoulder.
That wasn't the worst idea Bones heard that night... "Okay," he replied, pulling over one of the numerous pillows on Jim's bed, then tucked it under his head comfortably. "Night, Jim," he added, trying to keep a straight face as he pretended to fall asleep.
There was a long silence in the room, then Bones felt Jim's fingers creeping over his side and up his chest. It tickled, so he squirmed for a second before grumpily getting ready to shove it off, but it stopped there on his chest and flattened. "...You're really here, right?" Jim's voice was quiet, thick with sleep.
There was so much he wanted to say right now, but they'd done a lot tonight. They could talk tomorrow. "Go to sleep, Jim." And though he hadn't intended originally on spending the night, Jim's arms were wrapped tight around him, the most amazing feeling, and there was no way he was leaving now.