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I was doing well today up until I listened to my sister's voicemail letting me know that Mom is having surgery on Friday, and that everyone back home feels like I'm avoiding/mad at them. You know what one of the top five things that destroy me is? Being told I'm hurting the people I love. I haven't known exactly how to explain the level of bad I've ( Read more... ) -
dates. anniversaries. remembering. wanting to move on. trying to let go. severing one-sided ties.
Tomorrow is the 1-year anniversary of the first time we spent time together, saw each other, and I will always remember how very "seen" I felt by you. Seen like that Marina Abramovic video, which still tears me up to this day. Some days being such a "feeler" feels like my downfall. It gets in the way of me letting go easily... moving on easily... ( Read more... ) -
tu me manques
i am missing people today;
or maybe just...
people are missing from me today.
it feels almost like a post-surgical ache,
an emptiness,
phantom pains from all of the:
living and dead
family, both by blood and by love
friends, old and new
[almost and] ex-love(r)s, who either walked or ran away full-tilt
versions of myself that don't exist any longer -
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there are these little things you let slip
that just break my heart.
and i so want to be a source of solace,
of comfort,
but i wonder if i'm actually making it worse for you.
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last night was lovely,
and yet,
i feel off today.
fragile,
soft and weak,
exposed.
a walking, talking, breathing
open wound.
is this just who i am now?
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it's a physical relief knowing i've moved on from him,
the previous 'you,'
and now there's a new 'you' for what i write.
and some days i wonder,
if you realize how-very-yours i'm willing to be ( Read more... ) -
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jesus christ, i am undone.
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Fuck.
I'm feeling so fucking needy today.
I'm trying desperately to get a handle on it and not spiral like a mad-woman ( Read more... ) -
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i stupidly re-read that last email you'd sent me. after all this time ( Read more... )
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