Words 16
"Whenever you're in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude." William James
Human relationships, sometimes, they evolve so fast that we never really get why they changed or how it happened. Most of the time, we tend to believe that others are to blame for it which, without being completely false, isn't exactly true.
Many factors contribute to such transformation. For one, in a relationship there are always two people. Those two people will bring to that relationship their own personal history, their personalities. They will give and they will take, mostly the latter, because relationships are usually formed by want.
Sometimes, it will be to receive affection or to know that there will always be someone to count on. It could also be for a more obviously selfish reason like to promote one's career or it could be for something that could seem selfless at first like helping someone but, even then, one will gain something out of it, the gratifying feeling that they are useful.
However, a relationship is not only composed of two actors. There are also minor parts distributed to other people, the ones that were in their life before and the ones that are in their life at the time of their current relationship. These people will have an influence on one's mood, way of thinking, and way of acting: on one's behaviour.
Finally, most importantly, there are also circumstances. Rachel knew how this last one could have a major impact on how people interacted with others. She knew it because she, herself, didn't act the same way that she did months before. Situations changed people, situations made people. Rachel was the same, but she was different, her life was different.
What she did not understand was what had made her relationship with Santana seem to shift the previous night and it made her so anxious that she felt sick.
It drove her crazy not to understand what had happened. She was scared that what had been broken between them could not be repaired. She knew it wasn't that she liked Santana because she despised her. It was simple that she had come to realize that she was dependant of her. Everything in Rachel's life was define by her obsession of her and without it she was lost, she was nothing.
Rachel had spent the entire night tossing and turning into her bed, trying to find in what way she had failed and she knew that the results of her anxiety was stamped across her forehead. She was tired, she felt awful, her steps were heavy, and she knew that she probably looked like a character from a Tim Burton movie.
It was probably for that reason that she found herself raging while rummaging through her locker, trying to find her biology book. She did not know how she could have lost it when her locker was so properly organized. She was so tensed that she almost jumped out of her body when she felt shy fingers brush the skin between her skirt and the hem of her slightly rising top.
"Hey," Santana said softly and Rachel had to hold a scream.
"Hi," she replied harshly.
"Do you want some help?" A guilty smile was dancing on Santana's lips.
"I don't need your help." Rachel hissed.
"You sure? 'Cause you look like you picked up a fight with your books and lost it." Santana mocked her, leaning her side on the closest locker. Her darks eyes seemed lighter than the previous day and bit uncertain. "What the fuck did you do last night? You look like you're having the worst hang over ever."
Rachel sighed, closed her locker, and pressed her forehead on the cold metal. She had most probably left her biology book at home. She slowly let her eyes slide to the side to stare into the other girl's awaiting gaze.
"Are you really expecting me to forgive you just like that? You didn't even have the decency to apology." Santana gaped at her. She blinked a few times and frowned before bringing her hand to her chest in an offended manner.
"Apology?" She blurted out, sounding confused and irritated. "What the fuck? If there's someone who should apology here, it's you. You were the one acting like a total bitch."
Rachel straightened up and turned to face the Latina. She was speechless. None of this made sense. Santana had to be completely insane if she truly believed what she had just said.
"Bitch?" She asked, venom slipped through her voice. "You stood me up, completely out of the blue, to engage into sexual intercourse with a guy with whom I've never even seen you have any interaction whatsoever."
"It's your freaking bitchy attitude. It pissed me off." Santana pursed her lips, her nostrils flared, and she shook her head from side to side.
"What?" And, then, Rachel realized what had ticked the other girl off. "Santana, not everybody likes to flaunt their anatomy to others the way you do. You should respect that. As a friend you should respect me."
"There's a way of saying things." Santana replied, her eyes narrowing.
"While I do admit that I might have spoken to you in a harsh tone of voice, you're reaction has been completely disproportionate."Santana stood silent, pondering her affirmation. After a time, her features softened and she rolled her eyes playfully.
"Look Berry, you were wrong, maybe I was too, but let's just forget about this and move on."
Rachel nodded impassively, but she was not going to forget this soon. The Latina's attitude was completely unacceptable. The hurt, maybe the rejection, she might have felt at her words did not excuse her deplorable behaviour. How could people even like her when she had such a hot temper?
Santana beamed, pulled her in a hug, kissed her on the cheek, and stayed there for a few seconds breathing softly against her skin.
"You smell good." She whispered before backing up, her hand still remaining on the singer's hip, and her head resting against the nearest locker. Rachel noted that her eyes were twinkling and it made her nervous.
"You smell like cigarette." She countered. "Could I borrow your biology book? I forgot mine at home."
"Sure," Santana interlocked their hands and pulled her down the hallway. "I stole a pack of cigarettes from Patrick. The guy deserved it 'cause he was a damn lousy fuck."
Fearful people parted on their way. It was funny how not so long ago she would have been the one running away from the Latina's path. How things had changed since then.
"You're locker is so far from mine. Maybe next year we could find a way to be side by side." Santana told her as she opened her locker and searched through the mess it hosted. She finally pulled out a dismembered looking book. Rachel took it cautiously, afraid that the pages would fall out of it and spread all over the floor.
"How kind of you Santana to loan me this thing..." Santana laughed and closed her locker.
"Well, huh, it's the only one I've got." Rachel flipped through the pages. The book had been completely vandalized. There were drawings everywhere and in the first few chapters she could see written exchanges she could only assume to be between Santana and Brittany.
"So I was wondering if you wanted to hang out with me tonight after glee. We could go to a park or something."
Rachel looked up from the open book in her hands. Santana was staring at her. She seemed confident, indifferent, but Rachel knew she was nervous. She made her wait because she deserved it, but for the sake of her plan, for the sake of her sanity, she could not say no.
She accepted half-heartedly and a large smile spread across Santana's features.
"Cool," she said, squeezing Rachel's hand and the singer smiled in return. "See you later then."
Rachel clutched the biology book against her chest and walked toward her class. There she was selling her soul to Satan, for what? She did not know. Maybe for revenge, maybe out of vanity...It all seemed to mix up in a confused blur that made her wonder if she was beginning to lose her grip on reality.
part17