Adoption stuff...

[sagaciouslu]

 My grandmother passed away in August of this year.  It reminds me that time is passing, and there are some decisions I should probably not put off any longer

Comments

reach out

[anonymous]

There is no way for your questions to be answered unless you ask them.

As an adoptor, (is that the right word?) I want you to know that open or closed, giving up a child for adoption means losing part of yourself. Even though I gave my daughter up in the most open of open adoptions, I lost a part of myself I can never get back. And even though she and I have shared much rich conversation about the adoption throughout the years, I still feel that loss acutely at times.

So, whether they wish to reconnect with you or not, your parents will be grateful if you reach out and offer them the option to heal even just the tip of the pain of that loss.

I <3 u.

[oblivions]

Intense. What do you hope to achieve in this search? Simply to know? To make a connection? To find closure? Answer that, and you'll perhaps have a better idea on how to procees. No matter what you do, it's going to be traumatic for your mother regardless.

[sagaciouslu]

I don't have any sense of what I hope to achieve. That makes the dilemma much more intense; is it reasonable for me to cause trauma in someone else's life to satisfy my idle curiosity? The problem is that if I don't act soon, it will be a moot point and any potential positive outcome will be lost...

[oblivions]

as I have recently gone through with the death. I hear ya on that one.

[seegwa]

Having reached out to my birth father a few years ago - I'm not sure how to advise you. We've never had a relationship and our brief meeting before my grandmother died seemed to bear fruit that rapidly withered with neglect on his part.

I would say that you would be disappointed by their reactions to you. If they haven't tried to find you, they aren't likely to be appreciative that you found them. They had their reasons for giving you up and being reminded of that time in their lives may not be something they want to revisit.

I don't want to see you hurt so I'm advising on the side of extreme caution.

[sagaciouslu]

I suspect that you're right. It is something that has kept me from acting. While I don't want to be hurt, I am resilient. But I do not want to hurt anyone else, and certainly not because of an idle curiosity...

As I noted above to oblivions, I don't know what I expect or want such a reunion to achieve...

[nantosvelta]

However, even if your search and reunion doesn't work out as you think, is it not better than realizing 20 years from now that you wished you had searched no matter the results?

Yours is a question I'm glad to never have to answer and I wish you all luck and hugs in your decision. It is a doozy.

[sagaciouslu]

It is a doozy. And, yes, I am leaning towards doing something now rather than regretting the not-doing later on.

However, it is such a big question, and with ramifications beyond my feelings and expectations and desires, that I thought it best at least to find out whether people have thoughts that are different from mine. Because, sadly, I do not have all of the answers, nor is my thinking as clear as I might want and aspire to have it be...

[ophelia_is_dead]

i'm not sure i have any wisdom for you, but through talking to my brother (who wasn't adopted, but was raised by a father not his own and wasn't told until he was 35... i think you know the story), i can't help but wonder if it might be beneficial to you. i mean, if you have unanswered questions or curiosities.

it's a hard thing, a really hard thing, i think. i'm available to you if you need to stream of consciousness at someone, or bounce ideas off of them.

[sagaciouslu]

Thank you. I appreciate that. I might enjoy skyping with you one night. Or gmail chat, or whatever you funky kids are doing these days...

[ophelia_is_dead]

i do have skype which might be easier than typing.

[sagaciouslu]

Sweet! So, we could have a skype date where I can sit, drink coffee, smoke cigarettes, and chat with you about stuff, and things...? Wow. Technology is awesome.

[anonymous]

My mom had a son in Ontario, but probably a few years earlier than you. To her, he's dead. She never wanted to even see him when he was born. I only know of him as a cautionary tale when I was growing up (You'll have a bastard baby like your mother did!) I still wish he'd contact us. I'd like to know that he turned out ok, maybe even better than we did removed from the passive aggressive martyr that is my mom. It's a tough choice to make, and I wish you well whatever you decide...

[sagaciouslu]

Thank you for your words. Please tell me who you are...

[sagaciouslu]

It just occurred to me....I believe Ontario has the option to allow family members other than birth parents to, at least, register with adoption records such that if your half-brother decides to search, he will know that someone is interested in being contacted. My fear is not merely the rejection (and encountering a woman for whom a son is 'dead' is pretty complete rejection there), but causing pain and trauma to someone who has made the choice to close of, completely, that part of her life. Is it fair for me to open that door...?

[sagaciouslu]

I received your response. As per your request, I shall not unscreen it