My grandmother passed away in August of this year. It reminds me that time is passing, and there are some decisions I should probably not put off any longer
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I'll give you a perspective that's almost never spoken of: I'm adopted, and I have no interest in my birth parents. Because I was part of that agreement: "Lady, just loan me your body for 9 months and I swear I'll never bother you again."
I understand that for some people, the birthparent search is a big deal. But it doesn't have to be. If it's not for you, that's okay.
When I was in college, I talked with a friend who had found a birthparent, about what the meeting might be like. It was indeed kind of an awkward meeting. Sometimes those go well, sometimes quite badly; but a majority of the time it's just two strangers meeting over an uncomfortable past incident with nothing more in common than some genes. Family is about shared experiences as much as shared genes. Without as much common ground, it's harder to work on challenging topics.
One fear I have is finding my birth mother and discovering that she, by choice, lives in a trailer park, likes watching WWF, MMA and NFL, drinks 'Schlitz', listens to country music, is interested in the lives of celebrities, and has never read a book.
Although unlikely (I do have some non-identifying information), it is a species, I think, of your observation about a lack of common ground.
I have also met people who've met birth parents (although at a much younger age). For them, there was a search for a 'fit' that didn't exist with their adoptive families.
I'm too old to worry about fit. And I do ask myself what the point is. And perhaps it is nothing greater than saying to someone who was, back in '68, likely not given a choice in the matter, that it turned out okay.
Thank you for your words, Ms. Barrette; I appreciate them.
>>One fear I have is finding my birth mother and discovering that she, by choice, lives in a trailer park, likes watching WWF, MMA and NFL, drinks 'Schlitz', listens to country music, is interested in the lives of celebrities, and has never read a book.<<
Yeah, that would be creepy.
>>I have also met people who've met birth parents (although at a much younger age). For them, there was a search for a 'fit' that didn't exist with their adoptive families.<<
I think it matters a lot how close someone feels to their adoptive family. People who feel left out are more likely to go hunting for an alternative.
>>And perhaps it is nothing greater than saying to someone who was, back in '68, likely not given a choice in the matter, that it turned out okay.<<
That's a good reason, a thoughtful and kind reason.
Comments 23
I understand that for some people, the birthparent search is a big deal. But it doesn't have to be. If it's not for you, that's okay.
When I was in college, I talked with a friend who had found a birthparent, about what the meeting might be like. It was indeed kind of an awkward meeting. Sometimes those go well, sometimes quite badly; but a majority of the time it's just two strangers meeting over an uncomfortable past incident with nothing more in common than some genes. Family is about shared experiences as much as shared genes. Without as much common ground, it's harder to work on challenging topics.
Reply
Although unlikely (I do have some non-identifying information), it is a species, I think, of your observation about a lack of common ground.
I have also met people who've met birth parents (although at a much younger age). For them, there was a search for a 'fit' that didn't exist with their adoptive families.
I'm too old to worry about fit. And I do ask myself what the point is. And perhaps it is nothing greater than saying to someone who was, back in '68, likely not given a choice in the matter, that it turned out okay.
Thank you for your words, Ms. Barrette; I appreciate them.
Reply
Yeah, that would be creepy.
>>I have also met people who've met birth parents (although at a much younger age). For them, there was a search for a 'fit' that didn't exist with their adoptive families.<<
I think it matters a lot how close someone feels to their adoptive family. People who feel left out are more likely to go hunting for an alternative.
>>And perhaps it is nothing greater than saying to someone who was, back in '68, likely not given a choice in the matter, that it turned out okay.<<
That's a good reason, a thoughtful and kind reason.
Reply
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