for muses_inthesack: 49 tag challenge with banished_dame

[rude_not_ginger]

There's a first time for everything.

Follows this.He couldn't sleep, of course. It wasn't as if he'd truly tried. He'd stripped off his clothes, showered, shaved, puttered about in his jim-jams, but never really found his way to his own bed. His arm didn't hurt nearly so bad anymore, but he couldn't seem to stop his stomach from aching. Too

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[banished_dame]

Her head shook lightly when he made mention of her sleeping, "I wasn't..." she offered softly but never really allowed the sentence to finish. It wasn't as if there was really a point to any of the words she said anyway. His own sentence cut off short as well, and the awkward silence between them wasn't one she was even remotely familiar with. Exhaling lightly she smiled at him, it was sweet of him to be concerned really and she didn't want to placate him with meaningless words because she really wasn't okay. Not by any means of the word at all. Shifting up to seated a bit she let her hands fold in her lap for a moment, her eyes staring down at how they laced together and could easily drift apart if she had something else to hold onto. Her bottom lip trembled slightly for a moment, but as she drew it in against her teeth she met his eyes again, "I'm not alright... mean not at all." Her head shook as she allowed her gaze to shift away from his back to her hands, but soon enough she was meeting his eyes again. "I thought I needed to be

[banished_dame]

Rose felt safe buried against him like this. Even the light covering of the bed-sheet didn't seem to really matter too much since she had his arm around her and his legs keeping hers in place. Everything felt still, to the point where she almost expected it all to go wrong. But the wrong never came, instead just the steady sound of the Doctor's hearts beating beneath his chest. The steady intake of air that rose his chest to meet to her cheek a bit fuller, a bit more solid for contact. His hand brushed to her cheek lightly and she felt that caress of a touch that felt like it could've meant more if they hadn't been discussing death. Once more she listened the echo of his words felt the way his chin rocked against the top of her head as she spoke

[rude_not_ginger]

"Not cattle, never cattle. Each human is unique and completely fascinating, yet you all have similar ideals that keep you together. Love, aspiration, hope. Oh, not all of them are perfect, but there aren't that many creatures in the universe with such capacity for goodness, with such creativity and possibility..." But he was starting to ramble, he realized. Oh, how difficult it was to explain to Rose why Earth was his favorite planet. The people on it. The things they could do

[banished_dame]

Smirking in response to his comments always came so easily to her, but now it felt almost forced. The conversation was good though, light and not exactly upsetting her. It still was a bit odd to be lying beside the Doctor in her bedroom, in her bed as if they'd just been intimate and were now discussing their day. For some friends it might've seen somewhat normal, but for Rose it actually felt like a forward momentum. So much had happened that she was having a rough time sorting through it and finding out what exactly she felt. Dean had been a friend of hers, and they'd spent some time together, her birthday was one to really put down to the books and it wasn't like she'd forget the feel of him anytime soon

[rude_not_ginger]

"Well, I don't know these things. Does it look like I take care of my hair. Big as it is?" It was even more askew after the shower and the puttering about. "You could use it to...condition! Or just make it smell sweet."

It was good, talking about nothing. He wasn't usually one to take in small talk---lots of talk but none of it small---but with Rose it didn't feel wrong. Maybe it was because so much had just happened, small words felt easier. They felt more appropriate. His mind was still buzzing like an annoying gnat, focusing on not being too close but not being far away and why had her hand stopped moving and what did that expression on her face mean and was that the right carburetor valve going out again?

It was one of those moments he wished he could be human. Have a normal brain that wasn't drawn into eighty million different directions and just enjoy a moment with his companion. Even with everything that had happened, wasn't he allowed that?

"I can't help it, they're shiny! And it smells all right, you said so!"

[banished_dame]

Rose's hand strayed from her side to brush up to her forehead, the back of her hand cool to the touch as it rested there before running into her hair. Her hair that was not conditioned with Nutella, "Can't even imagine how'd I'd even do that. Mean it's a spread, like peanut butter. It's not that anyway. It's some stuff I picked up at some market. Don't even recall. Smelled good, seemed like it'd work for all sorts'a water

[rude_not_ginger]

"I like it. Good with bananas."

He tried to keep the conversation light, but the situation itself settled in his hyperactive mind as very serious. Maybe it was just the way they were. The way they laid together, how her hip grazed his trousers and how her hand felt in his hair. It should not have been so serious, he decided. After all, what was the point of being close to a human (one of the most tactile creatures he'd ever met) and not engage in tactile sensations?

Wait.

Not all sorts of tactile sensations.

Even though they were in a bed and---oh, there went his mind again.

He traced a finger down one of her arms, from the sleeve of her t-shirt to the bend in her wrist. It could've been an idle movement, but he'd become rather preoccupied with the feel of her skin, how warm it was. He knew what her hand felt like, what her cheek felt like, but the rest...well, that was something he hadn't really thought about before.

Not very often. Not terribly often. Occasionally.

[banished_dame]

Each time Rose pulled in a breath she tried not to make it much deeper than she needed it to be. The rise and fall of her chest felt like something that now she wasn't the only one really taking notice of. Still as his finger traced along her arm, and eased past the crook of her elbow and drifted to her wrist she knew her breathing grew a lot deeper, and her exhalation came a bit more staggered. Her hand stilled in his hair a bit before it pulled back out, the edge of her fingers grazing against his jaw just beneath his ear and finally moving so her hand rested to his shoulder, and then against his chest

[rude_not_ginger]

He didn't really understand intimacy, he decided. It didn't make sense, needing someone physically. Oh, he liked hugs and handholding and that sort of thing. But this? This was really foreign to him. His lovers in the past had told him he wasn't a "cuddler", probably because he didn't understand the need to hold someone.

But now? Right now? He wanted to hold Rose. She needed him and, well, she felt rather nice there, entwined with him like this. It was like she filled in his hard and cold places with her warmth and softness. Even how her head tucked underneath his chin felt good. It felt right. Like she belonged there.

Of course, he could've just been projecting an emotional response to a physical situation. Of course Rose didn't belong curled up like this with him. But he wasn't denying his feelings for her, and he didn't doubt they made her presence feel that much more rightHe wrapped one arm around her, pressing his hand to the small of her back. Her skin there was as warm as the skin on her arm, perhaps a little

[banished_dame]

The weight of his hand to the small of her back forced her breath inward once more, her eyes to shut almost as if her body was set still on the edge of hoping that she hadn't made a mistake by doing this. They'd been close before but she'd pulled back, put that space between them. To return to the near intimacy felt as if she was reaffirming to him some underlying intent that even she was sure was there, despite not wanting it to be. Rose didn't want to want this sort of contact with him, but here she was entangled with him in her bed breathing him in with silence surrounding them

[rude_not_ginger]

He always had something to say. Be it about politics or guns or the Ice Capades, he always had something to say, and it was usually quite brilliant. But right now? Right this moment? He was speechless. He couldn't think of something to break up the tension or even ask her what she might want, all he could do was hold her. Holding her was easy, comfortable, and didn't require pesky words

[banished_dame]

Wound up in the stillness of the room Rose found herself focused on the slow circle being traced upon her back. Light and steady, almost never straying too far from the original pattern she allowed herself to slip away for a moment to just get lost in that touch. Wanting to shift again she yearned for more closeness than what she already had. Knowing that to move once more, to get herself nearly atop him would actually be too much for her kept that want at bay. Most of her life she'd felt restrained, and then he came along and opened the doors so wide open that she feared she might simply tumble out them into the black of nothing. He never would though, even when she'd left... even when she was on the other side of existence she knew he was still out there if only in her name, it was still her name being said

[rude_not_ginger]

She spoke, and he was instantly comforted. Her breath, her presence, her being alive and there and Rose all at the same time. Silly, really. No one else in the universe felt like Rose did, or smelled like they had nutella in their hair. No Sontaran clone or Tara android could duplicate her. Still, the voice that was undeniably Rose comforted.

He shifted his head to press a kiss to her hair. Gentle and simple, affection without pressing down those barriers he feared. But what would it hurt, he wondered. What would one more barrier really mean to them? In many ways it felt unfair that the only kisses he'd shared with her were borne out of a terrible situation or connecting. Couldn't they just...kiss?

No. His mind was rather loud on this topic. Self-preservation was too important. He couldn't take Rose as his lover, that would hurt too much in the few short decades that she had left. Then she would be gone and he would have a hole left in her absence