for muses_inthesack: 49 tag challenge with banished_dame

[rude_not_ginger]

There's a first time for everything.

Follows this.He couldn't sleep, of course. It wasn't as if he'd truly tried. He'd stripped off his clothes, showered, shaved, puttered about in his jim-jams, but never really found his way to his own bed. His arm didn't hurt nearly so bad anymore, but he couldn't seem to stop his stomach from aching. Too

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[banished_dame]

Smirking in response to his comments always came so easily to her, but now it felt almost forced. The conversation was good though, light and not exactly upsetting her. It still was a bit odd to be lying beside the Doctor in her bedroom, in her bed as if they'd just been intimate and were now discussing their day. For some friends it might've seen somewhat normal, but for Rose it actually felt like a forward momentum. So much had happened that she was having a rough time sorting through it and finding out what exactly she felt. Dean had been a friend of hers, and they'd spent some time together, her birthday was one to really put down to the books and it wasn't like she'd forget the feel of him anytime soon.

Hearing the Doctor rattle off about his aftershave drew a smirk from her once more though, "Yeah you're a fan of the shiny things. Swear you're more easily distracted than a raccoon in a silverware bin." At the end of her comment she found herself pulling in closer to him again, her hand resting on his arm still but stilled instead of the slow tracing lines being drawn. The press of his mouth atop her head stilled her for a moment, letting her eyes shut as he smelled her hair. It was the sort of thing he normally tried to hide, but she usually could tell when he did it. Her eyes opened when he asked her about the scent though, "D'you just ask me if shampoo with a hazelnut chocolate spread? Mean really?"

[rude_not_ginger]

"Well, I don't know these things. Does it look like I take care of my hair. Big as it is?" It was even more askew after the shower and the puttering about. "You could use it to...condition! Or just make it smell sweet."

It was good, talking about nothing. He wasn't usually one to take in small talk---lots of talk but none of it small---but with Rose it didn't feel wrong. Maybe it was because so much had just happened, small words felt easier. They felt more appropriate. His mind was still buzzing like an annoying gnat, focusing on not being too close but not being far away and why had her hand stopped moving and what did that expression on her face mean and was that the right carburetor valve going out again?

It was one of those moments he wished he could be human. Have a normal brain that wasn't drawn into eighty million different directions and just enjoy a moment with his companion. Even with everything that had happened, wasn't he allowed that?

"I can't help it, they're shiny! And it smells all right, you said so!"

[banished_dame]

Rose's hand strayed from her side to brush up to her forehead, the back of her hand cool to the touch as it rested there before running into her hair. Her hair that was not conditioned with Nutella, "Can't even imagine how'd I'd even do that. Mean it's a spread, like peanut butter. It's not that anyway. It's some stuff I picked up at some market. Don't even recall. Smelled good, seemed like it'd work for all sorts'a water."

Her hand went from her hair into his after that though, "Yours is not so bad. Still think you do somethin' to it. You just don't tell people you do. Make it seem like it's all on accident," Rose's fingers flexed a bit in his hair, feeling the softness of it now that it had just been washed. Still had a bit of the spring to it, she swore he put something in it straight out of the shower. But it wasn't like she'd ever go watch his morning routine too much. Helped him shave once, that was about it for that sort of thing.

With her hand in his hair she shifted again to face him more, not quite the buried against him that she'd been earlier, but still enough to meet his eyes as her hands teased into his hair. "Yeah, smells alright, bit more, but that's just normal." She thought of the natural way Jack smelled. That sort of odd alluring draw that a whiff of him could cause. Something about alien men from the future maybe had to be something documented about their pheromones or something. The back of her foot curved up against her calf a bit letting her knee graze against the Doctor's leg once more, even as her eyes still caught his gaze. It'd be really easy to lean forward and kiss him, to just reach out and connect to him like that, but the fact that it was so easy made her almost wish for the challenge.

Instead she settled back against him, pressing closer to him once more. Resting on her back still, but feeling her side pressing to him, the bare skin on her hip teased by the drawstring on the bottoms he'd worn to sleep. Knowing he loved her was one thing, but Rose often wondered if she did more than that for him. If the love could transcend beyond the emotion into the physicality of it more than just a kiss. Now with her hip and thigh pressed against him she wondered if his thoughts were milling around the way she felt, or if it was more Nutella and parts of the TARDIS he thought he heard.

[rude_not_ginger]

"I like it. Good with bananas."

He tried to keep the conversation light, but the situation itself settled in his hyperactive mind as very serious. Maybe it was just the way they were. The way they laid together, how her hip grazed his trousers and how her hand felt in his hair. It should not have been so serious, he decided. After all, what was the point of being close to a human (one of the most tactile creatures he'd ever met) and not engage in tactile sensations?

Wait.

Not all sorts of tactile sensations.

Even though they were in a bed and---oh, there went his mind again.

He traced a finger down one of her arms, from the sleeve of her t-shirt to the bend in her wrist. It could've been an idle movement, but he'd become rather preoccupied with the feel of her skin, how warm it was. He knew what her hand felt like, what her cheek felt like, but the rest...well, that was something he hadn't really thought about before.

Not very often. Not terribly often. Occasionally.

[banished_dame]

Each time Rose pulled in a breath she tried not to make it much deeper than she needed it to be. The rise and fall of her chest felt like something that now she wasn't the only one really taking notice of. Still as his finger traced along her arm, and eased past the crook of her elbow and drifted to her wrist she knew her breathing grew a lot deeper, and her exhalation came a bit more staggered. Her hand stilled in his hair a bit before it pulled back out, the edge of her fingers grazing against his jaw just beneath his ear and finally moving so her hand rested to his shoulder, and then against his chest.

This would've been the time for soft spoken words talking about emotions or how things felt between them. For some reason or maybe a hundred others all she wanted was the silence. The sound of her breathing, the steady thrum of her pulse beating a bit more rapid in her chest and echoing in her ears. No matter how much she tried not to pull herself against him again she couldn't find any real way to stop herself in that moment. That single brush of his fingers to her skin and she nearly ached to feel more of it. All this time, all these hours and timelines they'd crossed over and into and here all she wanted was for time to stop.

Rose let her body roll once more, shifting back to press to him again. It felt more solid this time, as if the way she fit to him before wasn't nearly perfect enough. Now though, now with her head fit beneath his chin once more and her knee slipping back between his legs, she fit. With her hand moving up across his chest and back over his shoulder she pulled herself against him, just wanting to be this way with him, whatever 'this way' was.

[rude_not_ginger]

He didn't really understand intimacy, he decided. It didn't make sense, needing someone physically. Oh, he liked hugs and handholding and that sort of thing. But this? This was really foreign to him. His lovers in the past had told him he wasn't a "cuddler", probably because he didn't understand the need to hold someone.

But now? Right now? He wanted to hold Rose. She needed him and, well, she felt rather nice there, entwined with him like this. It was like she filled in his hard and cold places with her warmth and softness. Even how her head tucked underneath his chin felt good. It felt right. Like she belonged there.

Of course, he could've just been projecting an emotional response to a physical situation. Of course Rose didn't belong curled up like this with him. But he wasn't denying his feelings for her, and he didn't doubt they made her presence feel that much more right.

He wrapped one arm around her, pressing his hand to the small of her back. Her skin there was as warm as the skin on her arm, perhaps a little warmer. He swallowed, realizing his mind had gone rather silent all of a sudden. Maybe it was stunned by how the situation had suddenly progressed. First it was idle conversation and closeness, now they were entwined and silent.

[banished_dame]

The weight of his hand to the small of her back forced her breath inward once more, her eyes to shut almost as if her body was set still on the edge of hoping that she hadn't made a mistake by doing this. They'd been close before but she'd pulled back, put that space between them. To return to the near intimacy felt as if she was reaffirming to him some underlying intent that even she was sure was there, despite not wanting it to be. Rose didn't want to want this sort of contact with him, but here she was entangled with him in her bed breathing him in with silence surrounding them.

Words might take the tension out of the way, shove something between them like actual conversation once more. Yet the silence that was surrounding them felt like a way to muffle so much more than just the words she didn't know where to place, or her hand that was still so secure right where it had been resting. She could've moved it, could've let her fingers press up to their tips and slink down along his spine but she didn't want that... even if it really was what she felt like she wanted. To be held, to just have him fit to her in all the ways she never thought he would felt like nearly enough. Too much almost if she thought about it too much. Because this really wasn't natural for them, natural for so much of the world... of the universe but never for Rose and the Doctor.

Death wasn't a natural thing though, neither was most of what they witnessed and maybe that was why breaking beyond this barrier for the moment felt like it would be okay still in the morning. She knew she wasn't the type to want to curl up along side someone simply to fall asleep, and needed her space, her privacy as much as she was certain he needed his.

Yet here in this moment she needed him, and he was willing to be that for her. So Rose took it as he offered with the press of his hand to her back and the way his chin rested atop her head. She took it as she shifted her features to bury against his neck once more, her mouth pressing warmth back to his skin. She took it all as her breathing in deeper pushed her curves against his chest and then away as she exhaled. If he'd give her the world she'd have taken that in too just so that she knew she wasn't quite as alone as she felt.

[rude_not_ginger]

He always had something to say. Be it about politics or guns or the Ice Capades, he always had something to say, and it was usually quite brilliant. But right now? Right this moment? He was speechless. He couldn't think of something to break up the tension or even ask her what she might want, all he could do was hold her. Holding her was easy, comfortable, and didn't require pesky words.

His thumb traced over the skin of her back as he held her. A small circle, nothing too ridiculous or complicated. It was a very simple motion to keep the rest of him still. In his life he often felt like a shark; he had to keep swimming, keep moving. But right now he didn't want to move, didn't want to change how comfortable he and Rose were.

Maybe that was why they'd never progressed much further than very close friends. He was always too afraid of moving forward, of disrupting the comfortable. Romana once told him that by the time he figured out what he wanted, the woman he loved would have already moved on, gotten married, had a bunch of kids, and completely forgotten him. But he had time with Rose, didn't he? He always worked under the impression that she wasn't going to leave, that meant he had time. Right?

She shifted again, this time her mouth near his throat, her breath warm on his neck. It was not an unsensual sensation and somewhere in his mind he thought he should remark on that. Instead, all he could think was how very alive she felt next to him. Breathing, her single heart beating against him. There had been a lot of unnecessary death in the last two days and the part of him that refused to show itself during the battle began to surface. The part of him that was afraid. It was the part of him that locked Rose away from the battle, that always, always locked her away from even the possibility of dying.

He was afraid of losing her.

"Rose." His voice found itself again, albeit quiet, just a whisper.

[banished_dame]

Wound up in the stillness of the room Rose found herself focused on the slow circle being traced upon her back. Light and steady, almost never straying too far from the original pattern she allowed herself to slip away for a moment to just get lost in that touch. Wanting to shift again she yearned for more closeness than what she already had. Knowing that to move once more, to get herself nearly atop him would actually be too much for her kept that want at bay. Most of her life she'd felt restrained, and then he came along and opened the doors so wide open that she feared she might simply tumble out them into the black of nothing. He never would though, even when she'd left... even when she was on the other side of existence she knew he was still out there if only in her name, it was still her name being said.

Now the blackness was back at her front step and taking things that were dear to her, and she wanted to slip into it along with them. She wasn't even sure if that was the right response to it either. Such loss already in her life that by now it should be easier. Letting go, moving on, they should almost be a natural part of how she exists. Instead it burns into her soul and nearly chokes the air from her. So this is the need she has in her now. The need to be held onto, the need to not be let go, or left behind clings to her. But he still does and she knows that forever isn't a real word for her, but it is for him.

When he speaks her eyes are still closed and she can feel the vibration of her name in his throat almost before she hears it, and it pulls her breath in slowly. It's foreboding in a way she fears. That he's going to tell her he can't stay, that he's afraid of what will happen if he stays, or that he's not even concerned that way at all. She's not even sure which would be worse, but the movement she was afraid to make now almost feels necessary. That if she doesn't press closer now she'll be hollow when he leaves her.

Rose only allows her mouth to move though, and not even closer to his neck where the curve of it meets his shoulder, despite covered by the collar of his shirt. She pulls away from him, letting her forehead rest to his shoulder as she stares down at the shadowed darkness that she's created with her chest pressed to him. "Yeah," she breathes out trying not to make it sound like she's afraid of the words, or upset at what might come. It's an attempt at casual despite how their interlocked still.

[rude_not_ginger]

She spoke, and he was instantly comforted. Her breath, her presence, her being alive and there and Rose all at the same time. Silly, really. No one else in the universe felt like Rose did, or smelled like they had nutella in their hair. No Sontaran clone or Tara android could duplicate her. Still, the voice that was undeniably Rose comforted.

He shifted his head to press a kiss to her hair. Gentle and simple, affection without pressing down those barriers he feared. But what would it hurt, he wondered. What would one more barrier really mean to them? In many ways it felt unfair that the only kisses he'd shared with her were borne out of a terrible situation or connecting. Couldn't they just...kiss?

No. His mind was rather loud on this topic. Self-preservation was too important. He couldn't take Rose as his lover, that would hurt too much in the few short decades that she had left. Then she would be gone and he would have a hole left in her absence.

But really, she already took up a place in his hearts. He already loved her, already (if only mentally) admitted it. When she died or left he would still be pretty much just around completely lost. He would probably lock himself in the TARDIS for a long while. Jettison her room if the TARDIS wasn't kind enough to make it disappear within herself. Or---

He snapped himself out of that line of thought. Too much of him went into other times. The past, the future. He never really had a chance for now. There wasn't enough time for now. Not enough time to explain things, to study things. He'd traveled with Rose for how long now and he'd only just discovered what it felt like to hold her.

To her reply, he smiled. "I'm so glad I met you."

It was the equivalent, in his mind, to the 'I love you' he really couldn't say.