for muses_inthesack: 49 tag challenge with banished_dame

[rude_not_ginger]

There's a first time for everything.

Follows this.He couldn't sleep, of course. It wasn't as if he'd truly tried. He'd stripped off his clothes, showered, shaved, puttered about in his jim-jams, but never really found his way to his own bed. His arm didn't hurt nearly so bad anymore, but he couldn't seem to stop his stomach from aching. Too

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[rude_not_ginger]

He always had something to say. Be it about politics or guns or the Ice Capades, he always had something to say, and it was usually quite brilliant. But right now? Right this moment? He was speechless. He couldn't think of something to break up the tension or even ask her what she might want, all he could do was hold her. Holding her was easy, comfortable, and didn't require pesky words.

His thumb traced over the skin of her back as he held her. A small circle, nothing too ridiculous or complicated. It was a very simple motion to keep the rest of him still. In his life he often felt like a shark; he had to keep swimming, keep moving. But right now he didn't want to move, didn't want to change how comfortable he and Rose were.

Maybe that was why they'd never progressed much further than very close friends. He was always too afraid of moving forward, of disrupting the comfortable. Romana once told him that by the time he figured out what he wanted, the woman he loved would have already moved on, gotten married, had a bunch of kids, and completely forgotten him. But he had time with Rose, didn't he? He always worked under the impression that she wasn't going to leave, that meant he had time. Right?

She shifted again, this time her mouth near his throat, her breath warm on his neck. It was not an unsensual sensation and somewhere in his mind he thought he should remark on that. Instead, all he could think was how very alive she felt next to him. Breathing, her single heart beating against him. There had been a lot of unnecessary death in the last two days and the part of him that refused to show itself during the battle began to surface. The part of him that was afraid. It was the part of him that locked Rose away from the battle, that always, always locked her away from even the possibility of dying.

He was afraid of losing her.

"Rose." His voice found itself again, albeit quiet, just a whisper.

[banished_dame]

Wound up in the stillness of the room Rose found herself focused on the slow circle being traced upon her back. Light and steady, almost never straying too far from the original pattern she allowed herself to slip away for a moment to just get lost in that touch. Wanting to shift again she yearned for more closeness than what she already had. Knowing that to move once more, to get herself nearly atop him would actually be too much for her kept that want at bay. Most of her life she'd felt restrained, and then he came along and opened the doors so wide open that she feared she might simply tumble out them into the black of nothing. He never would though, even when she'd left... even when she was on the other side of existence she knew he was still out there if only in her name, it was still her name being said.

Now the blackness was back at her front step and taking things that were dear to her, and she wanted to slip into it along with them. She wasn't even sure if that was the right response to it either. Such loss already in her life that by now it should be easier. Letting go, moving on, they should almost be a natural part of how she exists. Instead it burns into her soul and nearly chokes the air from her. So this is the need she has in her now. The need to be held onto, the need to not be let go, or left behind clings to her. But he still does and she knows that forever isn't a real word for her, but it is for him.

When he speaks her eyes are still closed and she can feel the vibration of her name in his throat almost before she hears it, and it pulls her breath in slowly. It's foreboding in a way she fears. That he's going to tell her he can't stay, that he's afraid of what will happen if he stays, or that he's not even concerned that way at all. She's not even sure which would be worse, but the movement she was afraid to make now almost feels necessary. That if she doesn't press closer now she'll be hollow when he leaves her.

Rose only allows her mouth to move though, and not even closer to his neck where the curve of it meets his shoulder, despite covered by the collar of his shirt. She pulls away from him, letting her forehead rest to his shoulder as she stares down at the shadowed darkness that she's created with her chest pressed to him. "Yeah," she breathes out trying not to make it sound like she's afraid of the words, or upset at what might come. It's an attempt at casual despite how their interlocked still.

[rude_not_ginger]

She spoke, and he was instantly comforted. Her breath, her presence, her being alive and there and Rose all at the same time. Silly, really. No one else in the universe felt like Rose did, or smelled like they had nutella in their hair. No Sontaran clone or Tara android could duplicate her. Still, the voice that was undeniably Rose comforted.

He shifted his head to press a kiss to her hair. Gentle and simple, affection without pressing down those barriers he feared. But what would it hurt, he wondered. What would one more barrier really mean to them? In many ways it felt unfair that the only kisses he'd shared with her were borne out of a terrible situation or connecting. Couldn't they just...kiss?

No. His mind was rather loud on this topic. Self-preservation was too important. He couldn't take Rose as his lover, that would hurt too much in the few short decades that she had left. Then she would be gone and he would have a hole left in her absence.

But really, she already took up a place in his hearts. He already loved her, already (if only mentally) admitted it. When she died or left he would still be pretty much just around completely lost. He would probably lock himself in the TARDIS for a long while. Jettison her room if the TARDIS wasn't kind enough to make it disappear within herself. Or---

He snapped himself out of that line of thought. Too much of him went into other times. The past, the future. He never really had a chance for now. There wasn't enough time for now. Not enough time to explain things, to study things. He'd traveled with Rose for how long now and he'd only just discovered what it felt like to hold her.

To her reply, he smiled. "I'm so glad I met you."

It was the equivalent, in his mind, to the 'I love you' he really couldn't say.