my sister went to the doctor today to get her annual physical. this time, however, there's a take home examination. for three days my sister has to smear a thin sample of her stool on this card. the nurse, in explaining the process, ventured to add: "one man didn't understand me, and after three days he brought in a container filled with poop- ( Read more... )

four adults came into the restaurant tonight with five kids. and they sat in my section. that's right: four adults with FIVE FUCKING UNRULY HEATHENISTIC HELL HOUNDS. and, NEVERTHELESS, i was a doting, polite, patient server with a scintillating smile and a voice about 5 octaves above its normal tone. they racked up a $210 bill so i didn't get ( Read more... )

i haven't had an ear infection in 10 years, but i remember this pain so well. and there's nothing to do now but cry and writhe. i want to repeatedly shove a sharpened pencil blindly into my ear canal. i just don't know what to do with myself ( Read more... )

tonight, after serving up a plate of rigatoni pasta with artichoke hearts and crap, i got a sauce stain at the nexus of my tit. the man at the table brought it to my attention and RUTHLESSLY attempted to embarrass me. okay, so i felt somewhat sheepish, but this guy was like a dog with a bone. he just wouldn't let up with the roundabout boob ( Read more... )

i am here to disspell. i heard that someone is spreading tales about my dear friend josh's scrot sack. allow me to debunk (albeit i started) this treacherous rumor right here, right now. HARK, josh schulman does not have psoriasis on his ball sack. so put a sock in it before herb alpert puts his cock in it.

many thanks to shannon27 for this new, A ( Read more... )

philanderer made me this absolutely smashing new icon and he promised to give me anal. three cheers for andy fligel and his furiously veiny russian kielbasa ( Read more... )

i found a strange lump in my breast. i showed it to my mother, and arranging an appointment at the gynecologist (which she has put on the back burner for months) is now her chief concern. i can't help but be nervous. and something like this would be so in accordance with the strange medical ailments (i.e. a hernia at age 13) that have ( Read more... )

this entry is being composed by a muchacha mucha consada. and i don't care what any of you naysayers might attempt to nay, so stifle your naying: working a 12 hour day is ridiculously fun. so fun it's almost deplorable ( Read more... )

YES, smite people. i want to smite many people.