In Which We Gloss Over Four Weeks And Reach Midsummer

[rix_scaedu]

In response to Anonymous' prompt "More Nai - something surprising (to her?) about her teacher" I have manged to include several things about him that came as a surprise to Nai.

It truly was a night’s journey from Changzhu to Haizhang and we slept in our seats in our compartment.  The morning was being fresh and enthusiastic when we disembarked from

Comments

[kelkyag]

More, please?

The carp flags seem a bit of a Chekhov's gun. Planning to continue this through at least the birth of Nai's first son?

[rix_scaedu]

I had in mind going until a betrothal was in sight.

Keep in mind this was from a game at a fair, not something claiming to see the future. :)

[kelkyag]

It isn't a prophecy -- and there's already a prophecy that she'll get married and have kids, so having a son isn't much of a stretch -- but it's an interesting and noteworthy item that has appeared in the plotline and seems like it should appear again and be used, somehow, before the story resolves. That needn't be the birth of Nai's son; perhaps it will be a gift to one of her siblings on the birth of a nephew, or something like that, as she establishes new expectations for interacting with her family. But it feels too interesting for a throw-away when a silk brocade jacket is important. :)

[rix_scaedu]

Fair enough.

Hrm.

[kunama_wolf]

I can't fault the plot, but for some reason this all seems ... choppy. Mind-dump-like.
Is it deliberate?
I mean, is that the way Nai thinks, and whether you're doing it consciously or not, that's the way it's supposed to come across?

Or is that just me and my sleepiness?

Some typos!
"then gave my access details to Mater Que"
Mater -> Master

"To celebrate Master Que taught me how to listen"
To celebrate, Master Que ...

A few others could do with commas for phrasing too, but I wanted to read without fragmenting the experience any further than necessary.

[kelkyag]

I think it's a bit more choppy than earlier sections because it's covering a longer stretch of time in far fewer words, and the pacing is very different. The title telegraphs that nicely, IMO, but I could see it being jarring.

That said, I agree with you that I would use more commas (and semicolons and colons and sentence breaks).

Re: Hrm.

[rix_scaedu]

Thank you, I've fixed up Mater - Mater Que would be someone else entirely, wouldn't it? I shall read through again for comma placement this morning.

Part of the choppiness is, I think, because this is the editted highlights from Nai's point of view.

Re: Hrm.

[zianuray]

Well, we don't know Master Que's entire backstory yet...and Master seems to be a title for al genders in this setting...*grins wickedly*

[anonymous]

Love this update.

I enjoyed the "time warp" pacing of this. I think the story as a whole would drag if you gave the full run down for every single match. This let me know the highlights while still keeping in the fun tidbits like her getting blasted with a water cannon. It did not feel choppy to me.

I wonder if Master Que planned or thought through introducing Nai to a police officer. Seems risky given Nai's situation. When is Nai's birthday anyhow? She will be a legal adult on her coming birthday, right?

I hope Nai is wrong about not being able to get into a good school because her parents didn't sign the paper. I seem to remember that she did apply to some schools at least, right?

-Friendly Anon

[rix_scaedu]

I'm glad you enjoyed this.

Master Que was in the position where he had to introduce her to the Loongs or things would have looked very strange indeed. Possibly damned if he did, definitely damned if he didn't. She'll be eighteen next birthday, which is a month after this.

She's hoping for a final round offer of a university place which will take place shortly after her birthday.

[anonymous]

Ah, so she can apply, but only after everyone else has already had a chance before her. So there will likely be some schools that have a spot left, but not necessarily her first choices. Do transfers exist in her world?

I think there is a typo in the sergeant's name. In the story it says Soong, but in the tags and your comments you are saying Loong.

[rix_scaedu]

Thank you, the typo is fixed. His name, like his wife's, is Loong.

She has applied but because of the dates involved & the lack of parental signatures will only be considered in the final issue of places. Whhat she gets will depend on how popular her choices were.

[rix_scaedu]

I'm glad you like it. I should start writing the next piece of this when I go back to work next week because Nai mainly gets written on my laptop while I'm on the train on my way home in the afternoon/evening.

[zianuray]

I wasn’t quite sure what my reaction should be, he managed to find a robe that echoed the patterns of his demon-faced gi mask.

and

Then he treated me to dinner in the night market because he’s gotten into a game of mah jong and won.

Perhaps "he'd" or "he had" to keep the tense consistent?

[rix_scaedu]

Thank you, fixed.