In Which We Gloss Over Four Weeks And Reach Midsummer

[rix_scaedu]

In response to Anonymous' prompt "More Nai - something surprising (to her?) about her teacher" I have manged to include several things about him that came as a surprise to Nai.

It truly was a night’s journey from Changzhu to Haizhang and we slept in our seats in our compartment.  The morning was being fresh and enthusiastic when we disembarked from

Comments

Hrm.

[kunama_wolf]

I can't fault the plot, but for some reason this all seems ... choppy. Mind-dump-like.
Is it deliberate?
I mean, is that the way Nai thinks, and whether you're doing it consciously or not, that's the way it's supposed to come across?

Or is that just me and my sleepiness?

Some typos!
"then gave my access details to Mater Que"
Mater -> Master

"To celebrate Master Que taught me how to listen"
To celebrate, Master Que ...

A few others could do with commas for phrasing too, but I wanted to read without fragmenting the experience any further than necessary.

[kelkyag]

I think it's a bit more choppy than earlier sections because it's covering a longer stretch of time in far fewer words, and the pacing is very different. The title telegraphs that nicely, IMO, but I could see it being jarring.

That said, I agree with you that I would use more commas (and semicolons and colons and sentence breaks).

Re: Hrm.

[rix_scaedu]

Thank you, I've fixed up Mater - Mater Que would be someone else entirely, wouldn't it? I shall read through again for comma placement this morning.

Part of the choppiness is, I think, because this is the editted highlights from Nai's point of view.

Re: Hrm.

[zianuray]

Well, we don't know Master Que's entire backstory yet...and Master seems to be a title for al genders in this setting...*grins wickedly*

Re: Hrm.

[rix_scaedu]

Mater is a completely different sort of title.

Re: Hrm.

[rix_scaedu]

Some minor edits, probably not nearly enough.