Living Right Is In the Trying

[reticentric]

Chapter Seven

Several days passed without incident and Castiel decided that he could safely assume that Zachariah and the others had returned to the Retreat, or at the very least left town. Still he had not been “allowed” to be alone just in case they tried to slither back inconspicuously during one of his shows or perhaps catch him off guard at the grocery store. It was preposterous when you honestly thought about it but sadly he would not put it past Zachariah. Eleven years later and apparently his obsession with Castiel had not abated. He could only imagine what the so called Holy Leader would have said and done had they ever been alone together.

At least this time he would have been able to truly defend himself.

Try as he might he couldn’t stop feeling a bit of sorrow for his brothers and sisters. While his life away from the Retreat wasn’t perfect it was his and he was living it to be best of his ability. He could go where he wanted and do whatever he wanted without his actions being dictated by a mad tyrant. They on the other hand could not. But he supposed it wasn’t so bad. They didn’t know any better and took his word as law. You could not miss what you’d never experienced before.

Attempting to push those morbid thoughts out of his mind, he causally strolled across the wide field back towards the grounds. Jake was shirtless on the large green riding mower, driving it more like a car rather than actually cutting the tall grass that seemed to grow so quickly. Ava and Andy watched him in-between working in her garden, checking her tomato plants to see what damage the rabbits had done. Max was nowhere to be seen-of course-and Gabriel was sunning himself on an old patio chair while Balthazar chatted with him about something. Rufus’ truck was missing so he was more than likely out running an errand which meant Dean was around somewhere.

With everyone otherwise occupied he quickened his steps and veered towards his tent, ducking inside with a deep sigh. He placed his shirt on a small table piled with books and moved over to a floor length mirror. Since Dean had brought up the notion of flying he hadn’t exactly been able to stop thinking about it. Naturally he figured it would never be something he’d be able to do like a bird, but getting off the ground could also be exciting. So with nothing else to do today he decided to try again. After several tries in which he ended up on the ground, he’d called it quits. Perhaps tomorrow. Right now however he had to deal with the twigs, grass and leaves stuck in his wings.

He couldn’t see them but he knew they were there-he could feel them. Shaking and flapping his wings had removed the biggest pieces. It was the smaller, hidden ones he had to deal with. They were nearly driving him crazy like an annoying itch you couldn’t scratch.

“Damn it.” He growled reaching back as far as he could. “Infernal piece of sand.”

“Whoa Cas, you kiss little kids with that mouth?” Dean waltzed in smugly, obviously teasing him. He put down the hedge clippers he was carrying. “Heh dude you’ve got leaves in your wings. What were you doing? Did you go for a roll in the hay with someone?”

Castiel rolled his eyes. “Of course not. And if I had I would have pieces of hay in my wings, not leaves. The truth is that I-I attempted to fly again on my own with less than successful results. Defying gravity is proving to be harder than I calculated.”

Dean smiled at him. “Well no worries. If you do it then cool and if you don’t, then you don’t.” Flopping down onto the sofa, he gestured for Castiel to come closer. “C’mere and I’ll pick the crap outta your wings for you.” When Castiel hesitated with a rather nervous expression, he rubbed the back of his neck. “Um, or ya know I could go get Gabriel if you want. If you’d feel more comfortable with him doing it I mean.”

Castiel licked his lips and drew his wings closer to his body, liking the feel of soft feathers against his skin. “Actually no one but Zachariah has touched by wings before. It used to be so wrong-like a violation-whenever he did it that when I escaped the Retreat I decided not to let anyone else have the privilege. Gabriel never asked and I have never wanted anyone else to do so.”

Dean nodded. “I get it, man. I can see how Zach would totally ruin something like that for you.”

That he did, Castiel thought to himself. “Yes. However he could have ruined so much more so I suppose this small thing was a blessing in disguise.” Wringing his hands, he wandered over and sat down in front of Dean on the floor.

“Cas.” Dean kept his hands to himself. “I’m sure we could find another way. Hey I could put on gloves.”

His concern touched Castiel and he patted his leg. “I am grateful that you do not wish to offend me or upset me. I know that you only do this because you care about me. To be honest it makes me feel…warm inside that you have taken me into your good graces in what could be construed as a short amount of time.” He turned and looked into bright green eyes. “When Zachariah would stroke my wings while I pretended to heal people, he would have this look of rapture upon his face. I’m sure some of it was because of the money, but after he tried to attack me I figured it caused him some type of sexual thrill to touch them. I can understand that, as odd as it may sound. However it was a thrill I did not willingly give.” Pause. “I trust you. And I-well I enjoyed your touch the other night and the tiny rocks are irritating my feathers.”

Dean flexed his fingers with a laugh. “Okay. But look if at any time it starts to feel weird or creepy tell me and I’ll stop.”

“I know you will.” He said simply.

Dean cracked his knuckles loudly and surveyed Castiel’s wings, his eyes big and round like a kid on Christmas. Very slowly he began to pick out pieces of debris; tiny stones and little twigs. Castiel shivered and his wings shot out, the primary flight feathers twitching. Dean’s hands were warm and gentle, and after each whatever he would remove he’d straighten the feathers from disarray. Smoothing them down and running his fingers through them, rubbing them like he almost couldn’t believe they were real.

It was so comforting that Castiel drooped in pleasure, letting his wings do the same, covering Dean’s legs. He was surprised by how safe he felt in such a vulnerable position. While his wings were large and imposing, there were certain spots that could easily be damaged. Thin membranes and hidden veins; if Dean wanted to he could severely hurt him. The fact that he knew Dean wouldn’t made him feel warm. It was different from the type of warmth he felt when Balthazar or Gabriel showed they cared.

Dean chuckled softly and continued petting him. “They’re really soft. And silky.”

Castiel murmured in response. “Your hands feel nice.”

Dean carded his fingers in a little deeper toward his joints and Castiel moaned, unable to help himself. It was so different to have someone else-someone he trusted-intimately touching him in such a way. Zachariah’s fingers had been meaty and rough but Dean’s-while work hardened-were gentle. As if he were a small kitten liable to be startled if handled too vigorously.

His stomach tightened and he bit his bottom lip, feeling a red flush travel up his neck and to his cheeks. Castiel wasn’t exactly a stranger to arousal but it wasn’t something he experienced a great deal of. Especially when it came to other people. He figured Zachariah was to blame for that to a certain extent. He could find others attractive-and often had-but none that he wanted to touch him in a carnal way. Dean’s touch wasn’t meant to be sexual but it still caused a flurry of images to erupt onto the surface of Castiel’s mind. Things he would only briefly dream about in the past.

The more Dean’s talented fingers combed the more Castiel’s skin tingled. He could hear his heart pounding in his ears and idly wondered if Dean could hear it as well. He squirmed a little and sighed. His body was strung tight as a bow but for some reason it wasn’t painful at all. It was the opposite. It felt good to be so coiled up inside because he understood that the release afterwards would be worth it.

“You okay?” Dean inquired. “Want me to stop?”

Castiel shook his head. “No I-it feels very good.” He shifted, laying his arms across his lap to hide his stiffening erection.

“Ah.” Dean said with a knowing tone.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Dean.”

“Heh what? I’m just amused that I’m sort of giving you a wing job.”

Castiel tsked him. “As interesting as that would be I hardly doubt I could achieve orgasm just from having my wings stroked.” A beat. “I should make you stop for even considering such a thing.”

Dean’s fingers paused their untangling. “You know I didn’t mean anything by it, Cas. If this is making you-“

“Dean I am fine.” Castiel stressed. “I am inexperienced, not fragile. And besides I’ve been kissed before. Desired before. Balthazar once wished to court me a while after he arrived here. He kissed me but I did not share his affections, at least not in a romantic manner.”

“That explains a lot.” Dean muttered. He huffed and turned his attentions toward a soothing massage, rubbing his thumbs in firm circles above the flesh where wing met skin.

Castiel was going to ask what he meant but found himself quickly becoming too overwhelmed to speak. His synapses were all firing at once, sending mixed messages to his brain. Some of them wanted him to turn around and throw himself at Dean while others told him to melt into a pile of goo at Dean’s feet, like a contented cat being petted by its’ Master. Since he had no real skill with the first he decided to just enjoy Dean’s amazing massage and perhaps masturbate later if the issue of his erection didn’t dissipate. The thought made him chuckle.

Lifting up his right wing to brush his fingers along the bottom joint, Dean spoke. “Hey Cas, don’t you get tired of being shirtless whenever you show these bad boys?”

Castiel blinked indolently at him. “Sometimes it gets cold. Ah…sore.”

Dean nodded. “Yeah you’ve got a knot here.” He added pressure to alleviate the tension. “I’d suggest maybe having them out more. I mean not like anyone here isn’t used to them.”

True. “Yes but I do not like the thought of simply walking around shirtless all the time. I can hear Gabriel’s teasing already.”

His friend laughed. “Funny enough but so can I. It’s cool I’ll make you a shirt. I got one that’ll probably be a little big on you so it should work. Just cut slits in the back then you can have ‘em out without flashing everyone.”

There was humor in Dean’s voice and Castiel smiled. He couldn’t help but wonder if this was how Dean tended to the people in his life that he cared about. If he put time and effort into fixing their ailments and into thinking of ways to make their lives easier. He could obviously confess that he liked being on the receiving end of such attention. Everyone that worked for Gabriel looked out for him because they assumed because of his upbringing he needed it a bit more than most. Not that he was necessarily weak but that perhaps he would benefit from the added attention. Honestly Castiel sometimes saw it as a way to humanize him a bit more.

But of course if it came down to their problems or his they would focus on themselves first and rightly so. Dean however wouldn’t. Dean was an “all in” type of man and for some reason Castiel was enamored by that notion.

It was rare…just like him.

~*~

“Are you sure you are alright?”

Dean grinned at him. “Dude it’s cool, seriously. You didn’t even hit me that hard.”

Castiel frowned, his eyes crossing when Dean reached up to rub the space between his brows. “But you are still bruised from the fight with Zachariah and the others. The last thing you need is to be hit in the face, especially by wings.”

After the comforting massage with a few more minutes to make sure his wings were free of sand and leaves, Dean jogged off to his trailer and returned moments later with a soft looking dark green shirt. (Apparently it was a Henley though Castiel wasn’t sure why that mattered.) He used the garden sheers to slice two long slits down the back and then had Castiel put it on, saying he would “guide” his wings out through the holes. Unfortunately Castiel didn’t calculate the speed in which to do that and ended up clocking Dean in the face with a wing.

Dean in turn had laughed and joked about feathers in his mouth but Castiel had been horrified thinking he’d aggravated Dean’s already sore cheek.

“I’m okay. I promise.” Dean winked. “So how does the shirt feel?”

“Pleasant. Mobility appears promising and I am warm.” Pause. “Are you sure you do not mind me using it?”

“Having it. It’s yours.” Dean yawned. “Um did you wanna give flying another go? I could spot you.”

Castiel snuggled the shirt; he could smell Dean in the threads of fabric. It was a pleasing smell. “I am suspicious that your motives have less to do with me actually flying, and more to do with you wanting to rid my wings of rubbish again.”

Dean threw his head back and laughed, his whole face lighting up. He looked so handsome and carefree. “You’re a funny dude, Cas.” Ducking his head, he stepped closer. “And I was under the impression that I was kinda allowed to touch you whenever I wanted now.” He slipped his arms around Castiel’s waist and pulled him close, nuzzling his neck.

Castiel couldn’t help but grin. “I am slightly surprised that you would want to.”

Dean snorted kissing below his earlobe. “Oh please. You know you’re hot. With your permanent sex hair and insane blue eyes and of course there is the rest of you.” Castiel blushed and Dean caressed his cheek. “You’re gorgeous. And besides that you’re cool. But ya know if I ever overstep my balance just push me away.”

This would have been the perfect time to talk about the evident change in their friendship but Castiel didn’t want to ruin the moment. He didn’t want to hear that he was just a fling or a way to pass the time; though he knew Dean would never tell him the latter. To be honest he wasn’t sure how Dean really saw him at all.

“I would very much like to attempt flying again.”

~*~

When Dean was a child he didn’t mind sharing with Sam, not really. It made him feel good to play the big brother card and to be able to say it’s okay Sammy, you can play with my truck if you want to. Not to mention his mother would then tell him what a good boy he was and the next time they all went out, buy him something just to call his own. After she was gone and dad started drinking more and more, Dean realized someone would have to go without when it came to things. Usually that someone was him. He couldn’t let it be Sam and although a part of him hated his dad for what he’d become, he’d usually cave and try to get him whatever he needed as well.

So Sam would get new clothes for school-when he could afford them-and he would just wear whatever still fit. Sam would always have something to eat and if anything was left he’d nibble on it. Sam went on the school trips he wanted to go on and was even able to take a girl out once. It was clear to Dean that Sam was special and that he deserved good things. After a while he stopped wanting anything for himself except for Sam to be okay and happy.

It was odd to have an actual feeling of…possessiveness again. To…want again.

Some of it was the same though. He wanted Castiel to be okay and happy and not have to worry about weirdos trying to drag him into the back of their Jesus van. But he also wanted him-well he wanted him all to himself. The fact that he was basically the second person to ever touch his wings made an odd feeling swell in the center of his chest. That Castiel trusted him with something so big sort of made him feel like it was their thing. Or his thing. It was hard to put into words.

And then there was the guilt over wanting he couldn’t seem to shake no matter how hard he tried.

Scratching at his stubbly cheek, he looked up at the cloud filled blue sky and then out at the field that seemed to go on forever. It was so peaceful in New Melody-crazy fanatics aside. He thought he would be bored to death here but he wasn’t, especially not with someone like Gabriel around or Rufus who always had something to say. And of course no one could be bored with Castiel around. If he were to ever settle down it would probably be a small town like this except maybe one with an actual mall.

Arching a brow, he smirked and wet his lips. “Maybe if you flapped them faster…”

Castiel glared at him and dusted off his jeans from where he’d stumbled onto them. “If I flapped them any faster I would blow you over. Or cover you in dust.”

He shrugged. “I wouldn’t mind either. Okay.” He clapped his hands together and walked over to Castiel, putting his hands on his waist. “I’m gonna give you a boost and then move. At the very least it should make you glide.”

Castiel sighed exasperatedly. “Yes Dean.”

Dean snickered. “Hey man we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. To be honest I just like seeing you in action.”

“Many do.” Castiel mused. “But I am not averse to trying again. It’s fun.”

Dean was not about to argue with that. “Okay on the count of three. One…two…three!”

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting but the breeze kicked up by Castiel’s wings as he beat them felt nice. For a second it actually looked as if he were going to fly. He hovered in the air like a bird, feet off the ground and hair tousled with a happy smile on his face. Sadly before Dean could really enjoy it Castiel was falling onto him and knocking him off balance, sending them both crashing to the ground.

“Dean! I’m so sorry!” Castiel apologized. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

Dean’s side gave a twinge but he kept that to himself. “Nah I’m good.” A beat. “‘Sides who would complain about an angel falling on them?”

Castiel shifted but didn’t get off of him. “Rufus. He complains about everything.”

“Look at you making jokes.” Dean teased, rubbing his lower back. “I guess there’s hope for you after all.”

Castiel pushed back into his fingers. “I do not know why I was so wary about people touching me. It feels wonderful when you do it.”

Baseball. Sam’s hair. Sam’s farts after too many tacos. “Yeah but I’m really awesome. And ya know, I get it. I’m not fond of strangers touching me either.”

“But you have copulated with strangers before?”

“I’ve had one night stands in the past, yeah. But that’s different.”

“How so?”

“I don’t know. It just seems to me that letting someone touch your wings is more intimate than doing someone in a bar bathroom.”

Castiel tilted his head and stared at him quietly. His hand came up slowly and he smoothed his fingers over Dean’s cheek and across his nose, then down along his plump lips. “You shouldn’t give yourself away so freely, Dean. You are worth more than a quick indiscretion in a restroom.”

Dean looked away, so tempted to roll Cas off of him and hurry back to his car. He didn’t like being put on the spot. He didn’t like someone burrowing into his soul and showing what they’d found. “It’s just sex, Cas,” he said as quietly as he could.

Castiel blinked serenely. “I suppose and I am not condemning you for seeking pleasure where pleasure is given. I just…you’re special and I believe the person you share yourself with should realize this. They should know just how special you are so that they can react accordingly. But perhaps I am simply old fashioned.”

He blushed and hated himself for it. “Or a hopeless romantic.”

Castiel did not agree or disagree. Instead he settled down against him as if invited, his head on Dean’s chest. Dean tensed for a moment-he was more of a closeted cuddler-before saying fuck it and relaxing into the soft grass. Idly he dragged his fingers through Cas’ feathers, smiling when he mmm’d in response, letting his wings curve forward. Dean had no idea how they’d reached this point. How Castiel suddenly felt so comfortable with him and vice versa. Sure they’d had a month to get to know each other and become friends but this was much more than that. This was cozy.

Maybe it was because he’d unloaded his baggage to Cas and he’d been impressed, not disgusted. He hadn’t told him how he should have done more for his family or that he should buck up princess because bad shit happens and he’s no one special. Castiel thought he was special. He was the only one but it wasn’t like he needed an army of people screaming it at him.

“Cas, why do you like me?” He blurted out. Shit. “I mean, I don’t know. I’m an ex con, high school drop out with serious mommy and daddy issues. Not exactly a catch.”

“I like you because you are completely selfless.” Castiel replied without a hint of sarcasm. “I like you because of how I feel when we are together. You are strong and brave and you deserve someone that sees all of this within you.”

“And you see all that?”

“I do.”

Without even thinking about it Dean kissed him on the top of his head, getting a nose full of his fruity smelling shampoo. Castiel was going to be the death of him with his honest, yearning eyes and total lack of people skills. It was as if he didn’t know you weren’t supposed to bare your heart to someone until you were sure they’d protect it. Maybe he does know that though.

That was a terrifying thought.

Castiel lifted up over him, blocking out the sun. “Your heart rate has accelerated. Are you alright?”

Dean smirked. “Yeah I’m good. For what it’s worth, I like you too.” He laced his fingers through Castiel’s hair and gave it a little tug, something he could ignore if he wanted. He wasn’t too surprised when Castiel let himself be pulled forward into a kiss.

Dean pushed himself into a sitting position and angled Castiel closer, sucking on his bottom lip until he started to wriggle in his lap. Castiel’s wings folded around Dean’s shoulders and they were so freaken soft against his cheeks yet he could feel the strength in them as they held him securely against Castiel’s chest.

“I like kissing you.” Castiel panted into his mouth. “It’s like your lips were made for it.”

“They were made for more than that, trust me.” Dean swooped in and kissed him again.

They made out like teenagers until numb lips and growling stomachs alerted that it was time to return to the farm.

~*~

Sitting in a rickety wooden chair with a water bottle in one hand and his cell phone in another, Dean stretched his legs out and snickered. “Dude it does kinda make you less of a man to hold her freaken purse while she tries on shoes. But then you weren’t much of a man before Samantha so I think you’re okay.”

“Oh shut up Dean!” Sam shouted. “It was only for a few minutes and she didn’t want it to get stolen.”

“Whipped.” Dean coughed.

Sam growled. “I can’t waituntil you fall for someone so that I can get you back for all this teasing.”

Dean grinned, his eyes drifting to where Castiel and Gabriel stood talking. “Yeah you make it sound like I’m gonna change or something. You know I’m gonna continue to be awesome.”

“Maybe.” Pause. “So everything okay there? You haven’t stroked out on cotton candy yet?”

“Not yet. I’m actually eating normal-well normal for me I guess.” He made a face. “Not many burger places around here so if Gabe doesn’t fire up the grill I have to eat whatever Ellen and ‘em bring.”

“Managing to get any vegetables into you?” Sam asked tauntingly. “At this point I think a pea would be an improvement.”

“Bitch. If you must know Cas tries to make me choke down fruit and shit whenever he can.” He jostled his water from side to side.

“Ah the infamous Cas.” There was obvious amusement in Sam’s voice. “Wish I could meet this guy, he sounds interesting. I mean he’s getting you to eat fruit and you talk about him all the time.”

Dean shrugged. “He’s a cool dude.”

Sam fell quiet before replying. “Dean can I ask you something kind of personal?”

Dean frowned. “I’d rather you didn’t but I know you will anyway so go ahead.”

Sam chuckled lightly. “It’s nothing bad. I just-when dad was alive you only went out with girls. You didn’t even mention liking guys too until a few years after he was gone.”

“Yeah well, it’s not like he would have understood or whatever. C’mon Sammy you remember what he was like, especially when he was drinking. The last thing I wanted to deal with-on top of everything else-was him calling me names or kicking my ass.”

“You think he would have done that?”

“Hell yeah. Mom probably wouldn’t have cared and that would have mellowed him out but…ya know…”

“Uh-huh. I’m okay with it though. Really I am.”

“I know Sam.”

“I just want you to be happy so whoever you bring home I’ll be cool with. Well as long as they aren’t crazy.”

Like Ruby, Dean thought idly. “Yeah yeah. I’ll keep that in mind Samantha.” A beat. “Okay I’ll let you go do geek stuff. Talk to you later.”

“Later.” Sam chirped happily before hanging up.

Dean pressed the End button on his phone and slipped it back into his pocket, digging the heel of his hand against his eye. So his dad-John Winchester-wasn’t bad all the time. There was a time when he was probably one of the best dads in the world. A time when he did normal dad shit liked played ball and tucked his kids in at night and offered them advice about stuff. He didn’t turn into a bastard overnight either. For weeks after Mary Winchester’s death he tried to hold it together. In the end though he just couldn’t hold on hard enough.

It was tough seeing him go from cool dad to shouting asshole. Knowing that he would rather drink himself unconscious than take care of his children. While Sam and John fought over anything and everything, Dean would get the worst of it most of the time. He’d always wondered why but deep down he figured he always knew the answer. It was because he looked so much like his mother. Perfect strangers would comment about it whenever they were out together. Since he’d always thought of her as beautiful he took it as a compliment. After she died it wasn’t something he ever wanted to hear again.

Sam could be a little bitch at the best of times but he was very open-minded.

A slim body popped in front of him from around the corner and he jerked, nearly flipping out of his chair. Jo laughed lightly at his expression. “You okay?”

He cursed under his breath.” You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that.”

She grinned. “I wasn’t trying to. Geeze…” Her tiny hands touched his cheeks. “I heard you’d got into a brawl with some trifling people. You don’t look too bad though. I’d even say the bruises make you look more kick ass.”

He snickered. “Thanks.”

Smoothing her thumb along his jaw, she pulled back and folded her arms across her chest. “Dean you’ve been here about a month and some change, and while very cute you seem to be kinda slow. A girl can’t wait forever ya know? So I’m taking the bull by the horns and asking you out. There is a rodeo happening two towns over. Not usually my deal but it’s better than the cheese festival.”

Dean smiled; it was cute she thought he was slow when it came to people flirting with him. “I’m sure you’re an awesome chick. In fact I know you are but-”

“But what?” She interrupted. “If you don’t wanna do the rodeo we can just hang out or something. I mean it’s not like you’re dating anyone else. There is no one else.”

“Depends on what you’re into.” He couldn’t help but glance to Castiel.

Jo followed his gaze and her round brown eyes stretched wide. “You and Castiel? Really? He just seems so…”

Dean arched a brow. “It’s very new but I like it. I like him.” He paused. “I’m sorry.”

She waved a hand. “I’m not a little kid, Dean. I won’t throw myself onto my bed and cry because you’re not into me. Still it’s your loss.” She winked to let him know she was teasing-mostly-and sauntered away to talk to Jake.

At least she isn’t too broken up about it.

“What did Jo want?” Castiel inquired as he walked up. “I am not supposed to ask that, am I?”

Dean laughed. “No it’s fine. She uh, she asked me out. On a date.”

He nodded. “Have you decided where you are going?”

Dean rolled his eyes. “Cas, I told her no. Duh.”

“Oh.” He smiled. “I see.” He cleared his throat. “Gabriel tells me that Zachariah and the others have officially left the state. He had someone tracking them.”

“He can be a scary little dude when he wants to be.” Dean sniggered.

Castiel scratched at his face. “Perhaps. Yet he is still miles above Crowley.”

Dean did not recall ever hearing that name before. “Who’s Crowley?”

Castiel exhaled. “Someone I hope you never have to meet.” A dark look crossed his face but he shook it away. “Come. Gabriel wants you to help peel potatoes.”

Dean groaned in fake misery and let himself be led away.

Chapter Eight