Tara Reid: World Renowned Archeologist
If those 5 words don’t convince you to stay far, far away from Alone in the Dark, perhaps these 5 words will: She doesn’t even get naked.
So why did I see this movie? The answer is simple: DVD Rental reimbursement (tree-fitty), $20, and CDRs of every Johnny Cash CD in k_sui’s collection (which total 6). Pursuant to this deal, I am writing a 1,500 word review of what is now the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
I had previously made a similar deal with k_sui for reviewing Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. I was beyond surprised that I enjoyed that movie. I am not at all surprised that I flat-out hated Alone in the Dark.
What made it worse is that I was thoroughly entertained by the first 2/3 of the movie. That got my hopes up. It was a terrible, terrible mistake, getting my hopes up. The final 1/3 of Alone in the Dark is thoroughly unappreciable, thereby permanently marring the good will created in the first two acts (which were introduced).
I would warn you that there are spoilers galore in the 1,500 Word Review below, but Alone in the Dark was born spoiled. Well, not so much born as aborted. It is my hope that you will find my review of the film infinitely more entertaining than the movie itself. If you don’t, May God Have Mercy On Your Soul.
I knew absolutely nothing about Alone in the Dark when I entered Liberty Street Video that fateful day. Nothing, that is, except that Tara Reid played a World Renowned Archeologist. This sole piece of information was enough to make me shudder.
There were 2 copies on the shelf, both of which were the Unrated Director’s Cut. I had no other option than to watch the extended version of this Atrocity. I was heartened to see Christian Slater on the box cover, and curious to see Stephen Dorff’s mug up there as well. I generally like Slater (especially in True Romance), but Dorff is hit or miss. Tara Reid, on the other hand, is a guaranteed miss. I imagine Ms. Reid’s reaction to being cast as a World Renowned Archeologist to go a lil somethin’ somethin’ like this - check it:
"Oh! Yay! You know, this is, like, really great! Cuz, like, I’ve always wanted to play a smarty person. I always thought that would be fun. And, like, the script is really cool! There are so many monsters! I can’t wait to play a smarty person. It’s gonna be, like, the best ever!"
The wiki entry has this to say about the Unrated Director’s Cut:
An Unrated Director's Cut was released in Germany, France and Australia and was #1 on the German DVD market for three weeks. This version of the movie contains about eight to ten additional minutes of footage, and it was released on DVD in North American on 25 September 2007. In the newest version of the film virtually all of the scenes with Tara Reid in them have been removed by Boll himself.
Those Germans. They sure know their Camp.
Of the film’s standing amongst the Worst Movies Ever Made, wiki has this to say:
Alone in the Dark was panned by nearly every film critic. Rottentomatoes.com ranked the film a score of 1% as of December 2007 and lists it as the 2nd worst reviewed movie of all time.
Alone in the Dark was given several accolades highlighting this poor reception:
Alone in the Dark won three 2005 Stinkers Awards:
Worst Picture
Worst Director (Uwe Boll)
Worst Special Effects
It also won one Calvin Award:
Worst Picture
Alone in the Dark received two 2005 Golden Raspberry Awards nominations:
Worst Director (Dr. Uwe Boll)
Worst Actress (Tara Reid)
Despite this criticism, a sequel is set for 2009 in which Christian Slater will not return.
I know what you’re thinking. How can Alone in the Dark be the second worst reviewed film of all time? Because it got 1 good review. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever got 0.
Rotten Tomatoes movie consensus: Stylish, but inept on almost every level.
The one good review? That would be from Michelle Alexandria at Eclipse Magazine:
“Alone In The Dark isn't going to set the world on fire, but it largely succeeds with what it has to work with. Just don't take it seriously and you'll have a fun time.”
Sadly, the Full Review is no longer accessible. A couple of user comments about it were amusing, though:
1. C'mon you know this film sucked. You just took away it's [sic] dreams of being the worst film in history by being the only positive remark.
2. She lowered her letter grade from B- to C (and deleted website feedback) after the overwhelming negative response she got from this review. Classic.
Additional bit of trivia: The ending was different in the original script, but Uwe Boll felt it should be ambiguous.
Nice one, Uwe. Always a good idea to leave a bit of mystery in there. Also, if the movie weren’t bad enough, The Official Website is even more retarded. I mean, how hard is it to fit the entire title on the screen? Or make it so you can actually read the clickable options? FAIL.
But I digress. Mightily. I digress because I am putting off the inevitable: Actually wasting words on this utter piece of shite. In fact, I shall continue to digress for just a little while longer. I do this not only to boost up my word count, but to provide you with necessary set-up for the moment of actual viewing.
It was a Saturday. annicat and I were having lunch at Casey’s. She wanted to hang out afterward. Having just received an initial package from k_sui containing half the Johnny Cash CDRs and a special bonus of Star Trek: The Borg Fan Collective, I felt it was time to take the plunge and actually rent the damn thing.
resk: Wanna watch a really bad movie?
annicat: Sure!
Big mistake, annicat. Big, big mistake.
Upon retrieving said filth from the video store, I called k_sui, ikkarus01, and ozy_y2k to let each of them know that I was prepared to meet my fate. Left VMs for the first 2. Had a brief conversation with Ozy:
ozy_y2k: You “enjoy” yourself.
resk: I “will.”
There was only one thing that saved me from the utter horror that was to come:
Sweet, Sweet Marijuana.
Yes indeed, my friends. I was still using at the time. My drug of choice not only enhanced the entertainment value of this Cinematic Travesty, it also allowed me to erase most of it from my memory.
annicat and I smoked a LOT of pot before, during, and after the movie. A LOT OF POT.
And it was good.
We also paused it a couple of times and took lengthy, much-needed breaks, in order to stave off the inevitable Third Act Derailment. We didn’t know it was coming, of course, so the surprise was all that more groaningly nightmarish.
Okay. The Review. I’ve already used over 1,400 words getting to this point, so I’m happy to be able to keep this more on the shortish side. I shall do my best to remember Alone in the Dark in the broadest strokes possible.
Ahem.
The movie starts off with the following scrolling text, which is accompanied by voice over narration:
In 1967, mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed that there are two worlds on this planet, a world of light and a world of darkness. 10,000 years ago the Abkani opened a gate between these worlds. Before they could close it, something evil slipped through. The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth. Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world's most remote places. These artifacts speak of terrifying creatures that thrive in the darkness, waiting for the day when the gate can be opened again. Bureau 713, the government's paranormal research agency, was established to uncover the dark secrets of this lost civilization. Under the direction of archaeologist Lionel Hudgens, Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government shut down his controversial research, Hudgens built a laboratory hidden within an abandoned gold mine. There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children in an attempt to merge man with creature. Hudgens victims survived as "sleepers" - lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling.
During this exposition, Anni and I had the following reaction:
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MAKE IT STOP!”
Note from imdb: The lengthy opening text crawl was added after numerous members of test audiences reported that they were confused by the plot.
Well, thanks for clearing things up, Uwe. I have no fear of confusion from this point forward.
Luckily, things improved from there. Slater walked the streets, kicking ass Matrix-style at every turn. I liked Slater in this. He did his best with the material he was given. So did Tara. Unfortunately, her best is TOTAL FAILURE. Dorff was mildly entertaining as the gruff military d00d.
Okay. So. Slater’s kicking random ass. Tara’s collecting rocks. Dorff’s barking orders. And . . . some creature is bangin’ around in a crate.
“Don’t open that crate!”
Whoops.
Oh. And there were these orphans who had electrodes or something implanted in their spines. Slater was one of them, but one of his got zapped when he hid by a generator. No zombieism for HIM!
The main scientist d00d, Tara’s boss, injects himself with monster blood and appears to get moderately stronger. Also, his eyes get all Orphan Annie for a sec.
Slater and Dorff used to work together for some kinda X-Files type unit. Those 2 don’t get along. Hooray for conflict.
Um. The Monster gets loose and starts attacking people. Then the orphans get turned into zombies somehow.
Oh, and there are Tremors-style worms, too. That’s THREE DIFFERENT KINDS OF MONSTERS! Still, the movie was Full of Suck.
And Tara Reid never got naked.
The main monsters are pretty cool, I gotta say. Sure, they’re basically the Alien from the Alien movies. They’re 90% similar to the one in Alien 3 that looked like a dog. But. They’re wicked fast. And they have little shieldy armor like The Borg. Pretty tough to kill these monsters. The zombies ain’t so bad, but don’t fuck with the monsters.
2/3 of the way through the movie, the Dorff Army prepares for a big ole Monster Attack. That’s where the action comes to a grinding halt. You know those montage sequences where the military gets ready for battle? Uwe Boll was able to make that boring. Slow. Plodding. Uninteresting. Painful. From that point forward, the movie became utterly unappreciable.
Tara gets a bunch of rocks and puts ‘em together. They form a combination lock. She puts the combination thingy square in the middle of a giant door that leads to Pure Evil. There is a dramatic pause. And then Tara delivers the best line in the whole movie:
“It’s a key.”
Anni and I missed several minutes of dialogue while we laughed our asses off.
They open the door to Pure Evil and the doctor d00d dies, and Tara and Slater get away, and Dorff stays behind to be The Martyr. He blows the whole fuckin’ Pure Evil Basement sky high. And LIVES.
The movie ends ambiguously.
THE END
So why did I see this movie? The answer is simple: DVD Rental reimbursement (tree-fitty), $20, and CDRs of every Johnny Cash CD in k_sui’s collection (which total 6). Pursuant to this deal, I am writing a 1,500 word review of what is now the worst movie I’ve ever seen.
I had previously made a similar deal with k_sui for reviewing Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer. I was beyond surprised that I enjoyed that movie. I am not at all surprised that I flat-out hated Alone in the Dark.
What made it worse is that I was thoroughly entertained by the first 2/3 of the movie. That got my hopes up. It was a terrible, terrible mistake, getting my hopes up. The final 1/3 of Alone in the Dark is thoroughly unappreciable, thereby permanently marring the good will created in the first two acts (which were introduced).
I would warn you that there are spoilers galore in the 1,500 Word Review below, but Alone in the Dark was born spoiled. Well, not so much born as aborted. It is my hope that you will find my review of the film infinitely more entertaining than the movie itself. If you don’t, May God Have Mercy On Your Soul.
I knew absolutely nothing about Alone in the Dark when I entered Liberty Street Video that fateful day. Nothing, that is, except that Tara Reid played a World Renowned Archeologist. This sole piece of information was enough to make me shudder.
There were 2 copies on the shelf, both of which were the Unrated Director’s Cut. I had no other option than to watch the extended version of this Atrocity. I was heartened to see Christian Slater on the box cover, and curious to see Stephen Dorff’s mug up there as well. I generally like Slater (especially in True Romance), but Dorff is hit or miss. Tara Reid, on the other hand, is a guaranteed miss. I imagine Ms. Reid’s reaction to being cast as a World Renowned Archeologist to go a lil somethin’ somethin’ like this - check it:
"Oh! Yay! You know, this is, like, really great! Cuz, like, I’ve always wanted to play a smarty person. I always thought that would be fun. And, like, the script is really cool! There are so many monsters! I can’t wait to play a smarty person. It’s gonna be, like, the best ever!"
The wiki entry has this to say about the Unrated Director’s Cut:
An Unrated Director's Cut was released in Germany, France and Australia and was #1 on the German DVD market for three weeks. This version of the movie contains about eight to ten additional minutes of footage, and it was released on DVD in North American on 25 September 2007. In the newest version of the film virtually all of the scenes with Tara Reid in them have been removed by Boll himself.
Those Germans. They sure know their Camp.
Of the film’s standing amongst the Worst Movies Ever Made, wiki has this to say:
Alone in the Dark was panned by nearly every film critic. Rottentomatoes.com ranked the film a score of 1% as of December 2007 and lists it as the 2nd worst reviewed movie of all time.
Alone in the Dark was given several accolades highlighting this poor reception:
Alone in the Dark won three 2005 Stinkers Awards:
Worst Picture
Worst Director (Uwe Boll)
Worst Special Effects
It also won one Calvin Award:
Worst Picture
Alone in the Dark received two 2005 Golden Raspberry Awards nominations:
Worst Director (Dr. Uwe Boll)
Worst Actress (Tara Reid)
Despite this criticism, a sequel is set for 2009 in which Christian Slater will not return.
I know what you’re thinking. How can Alone in the Dark be the second worst reviewed film of all time? Because it got 1 good review. Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever got 0.
Rotten Tomatoes movie consensus: Stylish, but inept on almost every level.
The one good review? That would be from Michelle Alexandria at Eclipse Magazine:
“Alone In The Dark isn't going to set the world on fire, but it largely succeeds with what it has to work with. Just don't take it seriously and you'll have a fun time.”
Sadly, the Full Review is no longer accessible. A couple of user comments about it were amusing, though:
1. C'mon you know this film sucked. You just took away it's [sic] dreams of being the worst film in history by being the only positive remark.
2. She lowered her letter grade from B- to C (and deleted website feedback) after the overwhelming negative response she got from this review. Classic.
Additional bit of trivia: The ending was different in the original script, but Uwe Boll felt it should be ambiguous.
Nice one, Uwe. Always a good idea to leave a bit of mystery in there. Also, if the movie weren’t bad enough, The Official Website is even more retarded. I mean, how hard is it to fit the entire title on the screen? Or make it so you can actually read the clickable options? FAIL.
But I digress. Mightily. I digress because I am putting off the inevitable: Actually wasting words on this utter piece of shite. In fact, I shall continue to digress for just a little while longer. I do this not only to boost up my word count, but to provide you with necessary set-up for the moment of actual viewing.
It was a Saturday. annicat and I were having lunch at Casey’s. She wanted to hang out afterward. Having just received an initial package from k_sui containing half the Johnny Cash CDRs and a special bonus of Star Trek: The Borg Fan Collective, I felt it was time to take the plunge and actually rent the damn thing.
resk: Wanna watch a really bad movie?
annicat: Sure!
Big mistake, annicat. Big, big mistake.
Upon retrieving said filth from the video store, I called k_sui, ikkarus01, and ozy_y2k to let each of them know that I was prepared to meet my fate. Left VMs for the first 2. Had a brief conversation with Ozy:
ozy_y2k: You “enjoy” yourself.
resk: I “will.”
There was only one thing that saved me from the utter horror that was to come:
Sweet, Sweet Marijuana.
Yes indeed, my friends. I was still using at the time. My drug of choice not only enhanced the entertainment value of this Cinematic Travesty, it also allowed me to erase most of it from my memory.
annicat and I smoked a LOT of pot before, during, and after the movie. A LOT OF POT.
And it was good.
We also paused it a couple of times and took lengthy, much-needed breaks, in order to stave off the inevitable Third Act Derailment. We didn’t know it was coming, of course, so the surprise was all that more groaningly nightmarish.
Okay. The Review. I’ve already used over 1,400 words getting to this point, so I’m happy to be able to keep this more on the shortish side. I shall do my best to remember Alone in the Dark in the broadest strokes possible.
Ahem.
The movie starts off with the following scrolling text, which is accompanied by voice over narration:
In 1967, mine workers discovered the first remnants of a long lost Native American civilization - The Abkani. The Abkani believed that there are two worlds on this planet, a world of light and a world of darkness. 10,000 years ago the Abkani opened a gate between these worlds. Before they could close it, something evil slipped through. The Abkani mysteriously vanished from the Earth. Only a few artifacts remained, hidden in the world's most remote places. These artifacts speak of terrifying creatures that thrive in the darkness, waiting for the day when the gate can be opened again. Bureau 713, the government's paranormal research agency, was established to uncover the dark secrets of this lost civilization. Under the direction of archaeologist Lionel Hudgens, Bureau 713 began collecting Abkani artifacts. When the government shut down his controversial research, Hudgens built a laboratory hidden within an abandoned gold mine. There, he conducted savage experiments on orphaned children in an attempt to merge man with creature. Hudgens victims survived as "sleepers" - lost souls awaiting the moment of their calling.
During this exposition, Anni and I had the following reaction:
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA MAKE IT STOP!”
Note from imdb: The lengthy opening text crawl was added after numerous members of test audiences reported that they were confused by the plot.
Well, thanks for clearing things up, Uwe. I have no fear of confusion from this point forward.
Luckily, things improved from there. Slater walked the streets, kicking ass Matrix-style at every turn. I liked Slater in this. He did his best with the material he was given. So did Tara. Unfortunately, her best is TOTAL FAILURE. Dorff was mildly entertaining as the gruff military d00d.
Okay. So. Slater’s kicking random ass. Tara’s collecting rocks. Dorff’s barking orders. And . . . some creature is bangin’ around in a crate.
“Don’t open that crate!”
Whoops.
Oh. And there were these orphans who had electrodes or something implanted in their spines. Slater was one of them, but one of his got zapped when he hid by a generator. No zombieism for HIM!
The main scientist d00d, Tara’s boss, injects himself with monster blood and appears to get moderately stronger. Also, his eyes get all Orphan Annie for a sec.
Slater and Dorff used to work together for some kinda X-Files type unit. Those 2 don’t get along. Hooray for conflict.
Um. The Monster gets loose and starts attacking people. Then the orphans get turned into zombies somehow.
Oh, and there are Tremors-style worms, too. That’s THREE DIFFERENT KINDS OF MONSTERS! Still, the movie was Full of Suck.
And Tara Reid never got naked.
The main monsters are pretty cool, I gotta say. Sure, they’re basically the Alien from the Alien movies. They’re 90% similar to the one in Alien 3 that looked like a dog. But. They’re wicked fast. And they have little shieldy armor like The Borg. Pretty tough to kill these monsters. The zombies ain’t so bad, but don’t fuck with the monsters.
2/3 of the way through the movie, the Dorff Army prepares for a big ole Monster Attack. That’s where the action comes to a grinding halt. You know those montage sequences where the military gets ready for battle? Uwe Boll was able to make that boring. Slow. Plodding. Uninteresting. Painful. From that point forward, the movie became utterly unappreciable.
Tara gets a bunch of rocks and puts ‘em together. They form a combination lock. She puts the combination thingy square in the middle of a giant door that leads to Pure Evil. There is a dramatic pause. And then Tara delivers the best line in the whole movie:
“It’s a key.”
Anni and I missed several minutes of dialogue while we laughed our asses off.
They open the door to Pure Evil and the doctor d00d dies, and Tara and Slater get away, and Dorff stays behind to be The Martyr. He blows the whole fuckin’ Pure Evil Basement sky high. And LIVES.
The movie ends ambiguously.
THE END