Tara Reid: World Renowned Archeologist

[resk]

If those 5 words don’t convince you to stay far, far away from Alone in the Dark, perhaps these 5 words will: She doesn’t even get naked.

So why did I see this movie? The answer is simple: DVD Rental reimbursement (tree-fitty), $20, and CDRs of every Johnny Cash CD in k_sui’s collection (which total 6). Pursuant to this deal, I am writing a 1,500 word

Comments

Out this weekend!

[ozy_y2k]

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0460780/

Re: Out this weekend!

[resk]

The man still gets funding. I do not understand.

Re: Out this weekend!

[clayfoot]

Clearly, not buoyed by his other movies' ratings. Maybe, he just works really, really cheaply.

Uwe Boll Average Tomatometer: 5%

Re: Out this weekend!

[fraggedone]

From what I'v heard, Uwe continues to get funding for movies because of a German law that keeps his investors in the black even though the movie loses money. [citation needed]

[clayfoot]

1% on the Tomatometer, and 0% if you limit it to the "Cream of the Crop" reviews. A dubious achievement, but it really is hard to get such a low score on a movie that actually made it to the big screen. Only one other movie (King's Ransom) scored lower in 2005.

[clayfoot]

"Alone in the Dark" also took home awards in four categories of the 2005 Stinker Awards: worst film, worst director, worst actress, and worst special effects. No wonder a sequel is already in the works. Will you be reviewing that as well, resk?

Stinker Awards referenced in review

[resk]

k_sui would have to increase the ante considerably.

Re: Stinker Awards referenced in review

[k_sui]

Is that you throwing down the gauntlet?

[ikkarus01]

I sat up straight in my chair and applauded the moment I saw the title of this post. Oh, how I have waited for this.

I think my favorite Complete Fuckup in that film (there are many, but I remember this one clearly) is at the very end. Dorff sets up a satchel charge to blow the Evil Lab and Evil Gateway to fuck all. Great. Good thinking. He then throws the satchel into the Evil Gateway. Very good, sir. Smart move. Just before the cheesy cg explosion sequence, the camera pans back through the Evil Lab and there, right there on the floor in the center of the goddamn shot, is the same satchel charge that he just tossed. Right where it fucking started. Awesome continuity. Stellar editing. A+++

And Tara Reid is a SCIENTIST!

[clayfoot]

If you like continuity goofs, watch "This Christmas" for this sequence alone: Chris Brown's character, Baby, gets a camera for Christmas, including a bright yellow neck strap. Watch the scene in the kitchen, as the camera and neck strap disappear and reappear every time the camera cuts.

[k_sui]

is the same satchel charge that he just tossed

Perhaps, just perhaps, it's like some totem that you try and get rid of but keeps coming back? To haunt the rest of your days? Until you can gove it to someone else? Or something?

[clayfoot]

Or use it in a sequel?

It's a key! (to Resk's heart)

[k_sui]

My distinct memory was being completely confused by the different kind of monsters? Like, are they related somehow? Or is the cave just some weird dimensional intersection where a whole lot of banality comes to reside? Very vague. Very ambiguous. If you ask me.

I also like how they put eyeglasses on Tara Reid in hopes that somehow the audience will be more accepting of the premise that she's a world-renowned archaeologist.

Re: It's a key! (to Resk's heart)

[resk]

Lemme try to list the monsters so we can figure this out together:

1. Alien Monsters -- The Big Guys. Check.
2. Tremor Worms -- I think these came from the Alien Monsters somehow? Veins, perhaps?
3. Zombies -- They had the Tremor Worms (small version) placed in their spinal columns.
4. Doctor who injected Alien Monster blood -- self-explanatory.

So . . . I think that's it? I'd love to get Ikk's take on this.

Also, I love that there were suddenly about 50 of the Virtually Unkillable Alien Monsters attacking the Dorff Army, and we see maybe 3 go down before they just stopped showing the Monster War.

Nice resolution there, Uwe.

Re: It's a key! (to Resk's heart)

[ikkarus01]

Honestly, I'd have to watch it again in order to provide any useful input. And I'm really not sure I can do that to myself again. Even my masochism has its limits.

Re: It's a key! (to Resk's heart)

[resk]

You ARE planning to see the sequel, though, right?

Fantastic Four!?#%$

[anonymous]

Okay, I'm not going to see this movie, but I also have to comment about your liking of the Fantastic Four movie. Actually, I'm shrinking back in horror that you liked it. That movie was a bunch of bad archetypes, & it was overly full of corporate adverts. Tony and I left there feeling like we'd been to a 2 hour long commercial. And PLEAZ-girly there was more concerned about her WEDDING than the fate of the world?! What ever mang. I don’t disagree with you on many movie ratings, but this one….I won’t even get a copy for the kids b/c I don’t want it in my house.
I love you though. Lol

Re: Fantastic Four!?#%$

[resk]

Did you READ my review?

I never said it was a GOOD movie, CB. I just said it was entertaining!

Re: Fantastic Four!?#%$

[anonymous]

I thought that enjoyed meant liked. I didn't even get that far with the 4.