[Fic] Before You Go - Chapter 18
Title: Before You Go
Pairing(s): Jaemin, Yoosu (later),
Length: Chaptered 18/?
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: (gang) violence, language, abduction
Genre: AU, drama, angst
Summary: Jaejoong and his cousin have been swept up into the world of violence and gangs. The struggle and fight for his sanity is complicated greatly by the addition of a certain Shim Changmin into the mix. Will he be able to protect those he loves as well as save himself?
A/N: huu sorry for the wait!! just started working and the hours are killing me :'( this chapter is kinda a little (angst) filler... sorrie ~ plot will pick back up in 19 okie!! :D~
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 - part 1 - part 2 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17
*********
Yoochun couldn’t meet junsu’s eyes. The look of betrayal there would break his resolve.
“I thought you said you’d take it all down? That you were through…” Junsu’s voice wavered dangerously, but he continued determinedly, eyes scorching holes in the side of Yoochun’s face. “Why did you lie to me?”
Yoochun’s hands were clenched so tightly his nails drew little bloody crescents on his palms. He couldn’t resist looking up into that distraught face as Junsu’s voice dropped to a whisper.
“Was I just another one of your plans? Leverage so you could kill Jung and take his place? Blame his death on me-” The distraught anger pooling in those eyes were enough to rip his heart in two. He could only shake his head numbly.
“No, Su, you got it wrong-“
“What if he had shot me…?” his lips were trembling with the effort of keeping his face somewhat composed. “Or, was that a risk you were willing to take?”
Yoochun’s mind was a hazy blur of denial…how could he explain it to Junsu without putting him in even more danger? The gang was already convinced Jung’s blood was on Junsu’s hands…and all of them would love nothing better than to slaughter him slowly just to prove their ferocity and loyalty to Jung, especially since they found out Junsu had told his group of thugs to attack the warehouse that night.
There were only so many excuses Yoochun could make to keep Jung’s men from hunting down Junsu that very day. And if he tried to stop them outright they’d most likely revolt against him. Then everything really would be lost.
How could he explain to Junsu that this was just the last step he needed to take? His orders from above were clear and he knew it was the only way, and he had thought Junsu wanted to get rid of his father, of the gang, just as much as he did.
“Su, please, just trust me.” Yoochun begged, reaching out desperately.
But his hands were slapped away, and Junsu’s eyes spat fire. “Why should I? What reason have you given me to trust you? You took both Changmin and Jaejoong from me… you would have had them killed!”
Yoochun faltered a moment at the accusation, it struck a little too close to home. ”Junsu, please! I know it doesn’t make sense, but I never lied to you. I have to do this. It’s not over yet… this is the only way to end it. The only way to keep you safe.”
But it was as if each new word out of his mouth only cemented Junsu’s resolve, solidified the doubt and anger, the betrayal. Empty pleas on an already turned back.
There was no way to make Junsu listen. And Yoochun couldn’t bear the thought that this would be their last private moment. That Junsu would leave him like this. And it was all a misunderstanding.
Junsu was staring at him, with an icy hard expression he never thought that face could be capable of.
A sigh from plump lips. A muttered whisper.
“I thought you were different.”
And Yoochun lost what little self control he had left.
His hands were suddenly shooting out, cupping Junsu’s cheeks and roughly pulling their faces close, mere inches apart. Junsu’s small cry of surprise died in his throat as he stared wide eyed, too shocked to resist. But Yoochun had frozen to stare deeply into his eyes.
Junsu’s breath wafted over his lips. So warm. He could see himself reflected in those eyes…as if he was the only thing Junsu could see. It was perfect.
And he closed the gap between them, the softest press of lips. So heartbreakingly gentle.
His hands were trembling against Junsu’s face, eyes closed, desperately trying to lose himself in the feel of Junsu’s warm mouth. Yoochun could have sworn there was the ghost of a response, a moment where Junsu was kissing him back, but suddenly there were hands roughly shoving him in the chest.
It was followed by a stinging slap to his cheek.
Yoochun didn’t move, remaining as if turned to stone, with his head knocked to one side. He couldn’t dare open his eyes. He didn’t want to see the hate on Junsu’s face.
But then the other was turning away, quick footsteps that grew fainter before they echoed away. And he was alone.
Drawing a single shuddering breath, Yoochun slit his eyes open reluctantly. The space before him was empty, and so was his heart.
His back met the wall and he was sliding down it into a pile. Eyes slipping closed again, but this time to hold back the tears. Everything seemed to be falling apart.
There was no way for him to know that down the corridor, just around the far corner, had Junsu leaning heavily against a wall. His hands were pressed tightly over his face, trying to deny the hot tears spilling from his eyes as his body shook with silent sobs.
***
The fight hardly lasted ten minutes. And now Changmin was gone.
Jaejoong had failed pathetically. After downing one man with a few well placed punches, the other body guard knocked him out cold with a single blow. He’d only blacked out for a few seconds, and coming to he found himself on the floor with Changmin curled around him protectively. Changmin’s hand was patting his cheek gently, murmurs of ‘please, wake up’ echoing in his ringing ears.
But then the guard’s hands were on Changmin’s arms, easily pulling him away as Jaejoong’s head spun and body refused to respond. He couldn’t move, couldn’t force his voice to work, and Changmin’s pleading eyes were the last thing he saw before a nurse blocked him from view.
Now Jaejoong stared blankly out at nothing, lying on the bed and curled in the blankets that had been Changmin’s only a few hours earlier. He buried his face in the soft material, as if he could soak up any remaining warmth or scent of the other. Somehow he had thought it would make him feel closer to him, but it only seemed to remind him even more strongly of his absence. He felt like such a hopeless fool.
He didn’t know since when he’d become so infuriatingly weak. He had been strong before, and would smoothly and emotionlessly carry out his orders; weakness was a flaw that he had made sure he didn’t have.
But honestly, back then he really didn’t know what real weakness was. He knew now that weakness was not physical or a handicap, no, it was having something precious, something that could be taken away, something that needed protection.
If he couldn’t hide it, if he couldn’t get his old self back…Changmin would be in danger. If he couldn’t even keep Changmin safe, if he was hurt or used again because of Jaejoong, then maybe he wasn’t good enough to have him. He wouldn’t let Changmin suffer because of him, and he was no longer confident he could be the one to protect him, especially since he had failed so quickly just hours before.
He couldn’t even trust himself, how could he ask Changmin to trust him? It would be better to keep his distance. Better to let him live his normal life, safe and out of the way.
Although he knew it was the right decision, the thought alone shot a sharp pain through his chest. He pulled the white pillow closer, burying his face into it. It was soft and cool against his burning eyes, grounding him as his aching heart threatened to swallow him in despair. Every fiber of his being yearned to go find Changmin, missing him desperately, yet he fought against the overwhelming drive just as fiercely.
It was Junsu who found him like that.
Jaejoong didn’t respond when Junsu slipped through the door and closed it behind himself. Nor did he say a word when Junsu quietly sat beside him, taking his hand into both of his own.
“Hyung, are you okay?”
Jaejoong noticed the rather hoarse rasp to Junsu’s voice and wondered why he had been crying. Junsu was trying to hide the trembling of his hands by gripping Jaejoong’s hand rather tightly.
Jaejoong wanted to ignore his cousin right then. He wanted to be selfish for once. Because he wanted a moment, just a moment, to wallow in his own pain and loss…since after he left this room he knew he would have to leave Changmin and their memories behind. That part of his life would have to end. No, it was already over.
Yet misery was radiating off of Junsu in waves, and after all it only took a simple press of fingers, a light squeeze to Junsu’s hand, and the other’s head dropped to muffle sobs in his chest. Jaejoong wrapped his arms around Junsu’s neck gently, pulling him closer and up next to him on the bed. Comforting him might help to relieve some of his own desolation, as Junsu seemed to be crying enough for the both of them.
Listening to the heartbreaking sound, the physical manifestation of that wrenching feeling twisting his heart, Jaejoong wasn’t even aware that tears were wetting his own face until Junsu finally found breath enough to begin spilling his story. His miserable tear streaked face was fading in and out of Jaejoong’s range of vision, blurry and out of focus.
Junsu’s small hands were wiping at Jaejoong’s face gently and he seemed to calm down a little while telling him a long complicated story involving Yoochun that Jaejoong would honestly prefer not to hear at that moment. He didn’t want to remember the life they had to return to, not now when he didn’t see the point anymore.
The other was frowning down at him now, confused as hot tears continued to leak from Jaejoong’s eyes, running down his cheek until they soaked into the pillow. Jaejoong closed his eyes slowly, unable to control himself any more. The strained sobs filling the room were now his own, and it was a sound he’d thought he’d forgotten long ago.
Then Junsu was hugging him, trying to comfort him, yet the tearing he felt in his heart could not be stopped, not when the only person he needed was out of his reach.
Junsu bore the storm patiently for a while, before he suddenly must have put two and two together. He was asking about Changmin, wanting to know where he was, and what had happened. Jaejoong couldn’t bear to hear the name, but he didn’t have the strength to tell him anything. Because saying it aloud would make it more true.
He was spared having to answer when a nurse came in. She had been sent to basically kick them out, and as much as Jaejoong wanted to hang onto the sheets and continue crying his heart out, Junsu’s hands were pulling him up, supporting him as he forced him to leave the room behind. He wasn’t sure but it felt like he left part of himself behind as well.
Jaejoong was somehow prepared for the numbness. It washed over him in a comforting wave, all dull edges and calm oblivion. His cheeks still glistened with undried tears, yet his heart had stilled. The world seemed dim and half alive around him, and he leaned on Junsu heavily as they made their way down the hall.
Jaejoong was also somehow prepared for the cool indifference of the men waiting for them, for the way they looked over his bruised body with little interest. Maybe there was a little surprise filling their eyes when they saw that he was still alive, but he quickly and oh so easily slid back into his former role that the looks soon melted into fearful respect. The change was so natural it made him feel sick.
No one except himself knew that the man inside was a far cry from the dangerous thug he’d been a few weeks before. He would never be able to fit back into that mentality, and he didn’t even feel guilty that Junsu wasn’t enough anymore. Nothing would be enough anymore. And he wondered for maybe the first time, did he really need to do this?
*********
Chapter 19 ~
a/n: oomm...sorrie! not much happen except emotional suffering ..but i was suffering to get through this part so i can move on to the next part hehehehe anyway~ i'll try to get it up sooonnn <3
Pairing(s): Jaemin, Yoosu (later),
Length: Chaptered 18/?
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: (gang) violence, language, abduction
Genre: AU, drama, angst
Summary: Jaejoong and his cousin have been swept up into the world of violence and gangs. The struggle and fight for his sanity is complicated greatly by the addition of a certain Shim Changmin into the mix. Will he be able to protect those he loves as well as save himself?
A/N: huu sorry for the wait!! just started working and the hours are killing me :'( this chapter is kinda a little (angst) filler... sorrie ~ plot will pick back up in 19 okie!! :D~
Prologue | Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 - part 1 - part 2 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Chapter 16 | Chapter 17
*********
Yoochun couldn’t meet junsu’s eyes. The look of betrayal there would break his resolve.
“I thought you said you’d take it all down? That you were through…” Junsu’s voice wavered dangerously, but he continued determinedly, eyes scorching holes in the side of Yoochun’s face. “Why did you lie to me?”
Yoochun’s hands were clenched so tightly his nails drew little bloody crescents on his palms. He couldn’t resist looking up into that distraught face as Junsu’s voice dropped to a whisper.
“Was I just another one of your plans? Leverage so you could kill Jung and take his place? Blame his death on me-” The distraught anger pooling in those eyes were enough to rip his heart in two. He could only shake his head numbly.
“No, Su, you got it wrong-“
“What if he had shot me…?” his lips were trembling with the effort of keeping his face somewhat composed. “Or, was that a risk you were willing to take?”
Yoochun’s mind was a hazy blur of denial…how could he explain it to Junsu without putting him in even more danger? The gang was already convinced Jung’s blood was on Junsu’s hands…and all of them would love nothing better than to slaughter him slowly just to prove their ferocity and loyalty to Jung, especially since they found out Junsu had told his group of thugs to attack the warehouse that night.
There were only so many excuses Yoochun could make to keep Jung’s men from hunting down Junsu that very day. And if he tried to stop them outright they’d most likely revolt against him. Then everything really would be lost.
How could he explain to Junsu that this was just the last step he needed to take? His orders from above were clear and he knew it was the only way, and he had thought Junsu wanted to get rid of his father, of the gang, just as much as he did.
“Su, please, just trust me.” Yoochun begged, reaching out desperately.
But his hands were slapped away, and Junsu’s eyes spat fire. “Why should I? What reason have you given me to trust you? You took both Changmin and Jaejoong from me… you would have had them killed!”
Yoochun faltered a moment at the accusation, it struck a little too close to home. ”Junsu, please! I know it doesn’t make sense, but I never lied to you. I have to do this. It’s not over yet… this is the only way to end it. The only way to keep you safe.”
But it was as if each new word out of his mouth only cemented Junsu’s resolve, solidified the doubt and anger, the betrayal. Empty pleas on an already turned back.
There was no way to make Junsu listen. And Yoochun couldn’t bear the thought that this would be their last private moment. That Junsu would leave him like this. And it was all a misunderstanding.
Junsu was staring at him, with an icy hard expression he never thought that face could be capable of.
A sigh from plump lips. A muttered whisper.
“I thought you were different.”
And Yoochun lost what little self control he had left.
His hands were suddenly shooting out, cupping Junsu’s cheeks and roughly pulling their faces close, mere inches apart. Junsu’s small cry of surprise died in his throat as he stared wide eyed, too shocked to resist. But Yoochun had frozen to stare deeply into his eyes.
Junsu’s breath wafted over his lips. So warm. He could see himself reflected in those eyes…as if he was the only thing Junsu could see. It was perfect.
And he closed the gap between them, the softest press of lips. So heartbreakingly gentle.
His hands were trembling against Junsu’s face, eyes closed, desperately trying to lose himself in the feel of Junsu’s warm mouth. Yoochun could have sworn there was the ghost of a response, a moment where Junsu was kissing him back, but suddenly there were hands roughly shoving him in the chest.
It was followed by a stinging slap to his cheek.
Yoochun didn’t move, remaining as if turned to stone, with his head knocked to one side. He couldn’t dare open his eyes. He didn’t want to see the hate on Junsu’s face.
But then the other was turning away, quick footsteps that grew fainter before they echoed away. And he was alone.
Drawing a single shuddering breath, Yoochun slit his eyes open reluctantly. The space before him was empty, and so was his heart.
His back met the wall and he was sliding down it into a pile. Eyes slipping closed again, but this time to hold back the tears. Everything seemed to be falling apart.
There was no way for him to know that down the corridor, just around the far corner, had Junsu leaning heavily against a wall. His hands were pressed tightly over his face, trying to deny the hot tears spilling from his eyes as his body shook with silent sobs.
***
The fight hardly lasted ten minutes. And now Changmin was gone.
Jaejoong had failed pathetically. After downing one man with a few well placed punches, the other body guard knocked him out cold with a single blow. He’d only blacked out for a few seconds, and coming to he found himself on the floor with Changmin curled around him protectively. Changmin’s hand was patting his cheek gently, murmurs of ‘please, wake up’ echoing in his ringing ears.
But then the guard’s hands were on Changmin’s arms, easily pulling him away as Jaejoong’s head spun and body refused to respond. He couldn’t move, couldn’t force his voice to work, and Changmin’s pleading eyes were the last thing he saw before a nurse blocked him from view.
Now Jaejoong stared blankly out at nothing, lying on the bed and curled in the blankets that had been Changmin’s only a few hours earlier. He buried his face in the soft material, as if he could soak up any remaining warmth or scent of the other. Somehow he had thought it would make him feel closer to him, but it only seemed to remind him even more strongly of his absence. He felt like such a hopeless fool.
He didn’t know since when he’d become so infuriatingly weak. He had been strong before, and would smoothly and emotionlessly carry out his orders; weakness was a flaw that he had made sure he didn’t have.
But honestly, back then he really didn’t know what real weakness was. He knew now that weakness was not physical or a handicap, no, it was having something precious, something that could be taken away, something that needed protection.
If he couldn’t hide it, if he couldn’t get his old self back…Changmin would be in danger. If he couldn’t even keep Changmin safe, if he was hurt or used again because of Jaejoong, then maybe he wasn’t good enough to have him. He wouldn’t let Changmin suffer because of him, and he was no longer confident he could be the one to protect him, especially since he had failed so quickly just hours before.
He couldn’t even trust himself, how could he ask Changmin to trust him? It would be better to keep his distance. Better to let him live his normal life, safe and out of the way.
Although he knew it was the right decision, the thought alone shot a sharp pain through his chest. He pulled the white pillow closer, burying his face into it. It was soft and cool against his burning eyes, grounding him as his aching heart threatened to swallow him in despair. Every fiber of his being yearned to go find Changmin, missing him desperately, yet he fought against the overwhelming drive just as fiercely.
It was Junsu who found him like that.
Jaejoong didn’t respond when Junsu slipped through the door and closed it behind himself. Nor did he say a word when Junsu quietly sat beside him, taking his hand into both of his own.
“Hyung, are you okay?”
Jaejoong noticed the rather hoarse rasp to Junsu’s voice and wondered why he had been crying. Junsu was trying to hide the trembling of his hands by gripping Jaejoong’s hand rather tightly.
Jaejoong wanted to ignore his cousin right then. He wanted to be selfish for once. Because he wanted a moment, just a moment, to wallow in his own pain and loss…since after he left this room he knew he would have to leave Changmin and their memories behind. That part of his life would have to end. No, it was already over.
Yet misery was radiating off of Junsu in waves, and after all it only took a simple press of fingers, a light squeeze to Junsu’s hand, and the other’s head dropped to muffle sobs in his chest. Jaejoong wrapped his arms around Junsu’s neck gently, pulling him closer and up next to him on the bed. Comforting him might help to relieve some of his own desolation, as Junsu seemed to be crying enough for the both of them.
Listening to the heartbreaking sound, the physical manifestation of that wrenching feeling twisting his heart, Jaejoong wasn’t even aware that tears were wetting his own face until Junsu finally found breath enough to begin spilling his story. His miserable tear streaked face was fading in and out of Jaejoong’s range of vision, blurry and out of focus.
Junsu’s small hands were wiping at Jaejoong’s face gently and he seemed to calm down a little while telling him a long complicated story involving Yoochun that Jaejoong would honestly prefer not to hear at that moment. He didn’t want to remember the life they had to return to, not now when he didn’t see the point anymore.
The other was frowning down at him now, confused as hot tears continued to leak from Jaejoong’s eyes, running down his cheek until they soaked into the pillow. Jaejoong closed his eyes slowly, unable to control himself any more. The strained sobs filling the room were now his own, and it was a sound he’d thought he’d forgotten long ago.
Then Junsu was hugging him, trying to comfort him, yet the tearing he felt in his heart could not be stopped, not when the only person he needed was out of his reach.
Junsu bore the storm patiently for a while, before he suddenly must have put two and two together. He was asking about Changmin, wanting to know where he was, and what had happened. Jaejoong couldn’t bear to hear the name, but he didn’t have the strength to tell him anything. Because saying it aloud would make it more true.
He was spared having to answer when a nurse came in. She had been sent to basically kick them out, and as much as Jaejoong wanted to hang onto the sheets and continue crying his heart out, Junsu’s hands were pulling him up, supporting him as he forced him to leave the room behind. He wasn’t sure but it felt like he left part of himself behind as well.
Jaejoong was somehow prepared for the numbness. It washed over him in a comforting wave, all dull edges and calm oblivion. His cheeks still glistened with undried tears, yet his heart had stilled. The world seemed dim and half alive around him, and he leaned on Junsu heavily as they made their way down the hall.
Jaejoong was also somehow prepared for the cool indifference of the men waiting for them, for the way they looked over his bruised body with little interest. Maybe there was a little surprise filling their eyes when they saw that he was still alive, but he quickly and oh so easily slid back into his former role that the looks soon melted into fearful respect. The change was so natural it made him feel sick.
No one except himself knew that the man inside was a far cry from the dangerous thug he’d been a few weeks before. He would never be able to fit back into that mentality, and he didn’t even feel guilty that Junsu wasn’t enough anymore. Nothing would be enough anymore. And he wondered for maybe the first time, did he really need to do this?
*********
Chapter 19 ~
a/n: oomm...sorrie! not much happen except emotional suffering ..but i was suffering to get through this part so i can move on to the next part hehehehe anyway~ i'll try to get it up sooonnn <3