Fic: Back - R/L - NC-17 - part 1 of 6

[kahvi]

Title: Back - part 1 of 6
Authors: roadstergal and kahvi
Pairings: Rimmer/Lister
Rating: NC-17, for explicit sex and adult themes. Please note this.
Disclaimer: We do not own them, and we make no money from this. Just a whole lot of fun!
Note: Yes, it's Gestalt-time! This story follows on from, and is based in the same universe as my Heart, and roadstergal's Annoyance and

Comments

Better Late then Never. :)

[typhonblue]

‘"Sir, I need you to go fetch Mr. Lister! Nothing... erm... nothing... dangerous or anything. No. No indeed. I just..." his voice synthesizers put in a slight note of panic, "need you to go get Mr. Lister right now." Perhaps there was still hope. Kryten had to believe that, or he'd go completely to nuts and bolts

Re: Better Late then Never. :)

[kahvi]

For some reason changing to Kryten's PoV really jarred me here.
Could you elaborate? We tend to switch POVs by paragraph, depending on which character is speaking (or thinking). I know it's hard to pinpoint these things sometimes, but any insight would help. :)

When we shift from Rimmer noticing Lister to Lister musing to himself, it is confusing. It's almost like the story goes back in time for a bit, *prior* to Rimmer entering the room.
Well to be honest, I did this on purpose. You get Lister's thoughts about what has happened up until then - they could have been fitted elsewhere, but I wanted them there to create tension. You see Rimmer entering, and you're curious about what will happen, but you're not gonna get to know that just yet. Duly noted though - it's not supposed to be confusing, of course.

Lister doesn't notice Rimmer because of the siren - he does hear him, but he's concentrating, so it doesn't penetrate until later: There seemed to be a second layer of sound, something underneath all the braying sirens. Truth be

Re: Better Late then Never. :)

[typhonblue]

I think the shift is jarring because its consistantly Rimmer prior to that.

I know that you usually write third person omnicient and switch between POVs every paragraph. And usually it works, but this time it felt jarring. I think maybe it's because when you do it in other places it's Rimmer reacting to X, then Lister reacting to X, then Kryten, etc. But in this case they're not reacting to the same thing. Plus the fact that the PoV was consistantly Rimmer prior to that so you get used to that, instead of used to the switching.

Perhaps a scene break would help?

Re: Better Late then Never. :)

[kahvi]

Hm. While I understand what you are saying, I have to admit that I just don't see how this scene differs from others we have done. (Unless there are other scenes you think jarred?) We write out the viewpoints of those characters in play. When Rimmer (or Lister for that matter) is alone, it's just them, but when someone else enters, you start hearing their thougths too. Hence, when Kryten comes in, you start to hear his thoughts - which I also put in for foreshadowing purposes. If you have the time and inclination, could you possibly give a concrete example of a spesific shift you find odd? If there is something fixable here, I want to do so, or at least be aware of what it is.

I'm also not entirely sure what you mean by "reacting to the same thing". They are both reacting to the alert and each other, right? Lol, I feel dim here. Maybe we're talking at cross-purposes?

I was thinking that maybe some of the paragraphs were a little too short - I always try for a balance there, but it's hard. Could that be part of it?