Title: Back - part 1 of 6
Authors:
roadstergal and
kahviPairings: Rimmer/Lister
Rating: NC-17, for explicit sex and adult themes. Please note this.
Disclaimer: We do not own them, and we make no money from this. Just a whole lot of fun!
Note: Yes, it's Gestalt-time! This story follows on from, and is based in the same universe as my
Heart, and
roadstergal's
Annoyance and
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Could you elaborate? We tend to switch POVs by paragraph, depending on which character is speaking (or thinking). I know it's hard to pinpoint these things sometimes, but any insight would help. :)
When we shift from Rimmer noticing Lister to Lister musing to himself, it is confusing. It's almost like the story goes back in time for a bit, *prior* to Rimmer entering the room.
Well to be honest, I did this on purpose. You get Lister's thoughts about what has happened up until then - they could have been fitted elsewhere, but I wanted them there to create tension. You see Rimmer entering, and you're curious about what will happen, but you're not gonna get to know that just yet. Duly noted though - it's not supposed to be confusing, of course.
Lister doesn't notice Rimmer because of the siren - he does hear him, but he's concentrating, so it doesn't penetrate until later: There seemed to be a second layer of sound, something underneath all the braying sirens. Truth be ( ... )
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I know that you usually write third person omnicient and switch between POVs every paragraph. And usually it works, but this time it felt jarring. I think maybe it's because when you do it in other places it's Rimmer reacting to X, then Lister reacting to X, then Kryten, etc. But in this case they're not reacting to the same thing. Plus the fact that the PoV was consistantly Rimmer prior to that so you get used to that, instead of used to the switching.
Perhaps a scene break would help?
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I'm also not entirely sure what you mean by "reacting to the same thing". They are both reacting to the alert and each other, right? Lol, I feel dim here. Maybe we're talking at cross-purposes?
I was thinking that maybe some of the paragraphs were a little too short - I always try for a balance there, but it's hard. Could that be part of it?
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Like I said, I think part of it is just having large passages of one PoV then switching to another when _that_ person enters the scene. You get used to following around in one head and then *bam* you're in another. That sense of displacement doesn't happen when you get used to switching each paragraph.
And it's not quite an "in play" situation, because the unseen narrator has made the choice to follow Rimmer instead of Lister (when they're not in the same visible area). When Lister then comes in, the reader is still seeing Rimmer as the more important(or revealing) PoV, because the narrator has suggested this is so by choosing to follow him instead of Lister.
It's sort of a complicated thing to explain. :\ I'm sorry if it isn't making sense.
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I will take a further look at it.
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Put a scene break after Rimmer notices Lister, then in the next scene write Lister's train of thought until he notices Rimmer, then return to alternating the two.
I edited your original version to reflect this suggestion, if you're interested in seeing it. :)
BTW, did you e-mail me a crit? My server has been eating my e-mail randomly lately so I don't know if it got through.
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I reworked it in order to figure out what was bothering me so I could explain.
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In a lot of ways, the two main characters are not themselves when they're alone, and we wanted to touch on that a bit with this - coming into Rimmer's mind when he makes the decision to return to Lister, and then coming into Lister's mind once Rimmer re-enters his life (even though it's not quite on a conscious level at first).
Er, Kat can correct if I bolloxed that up in talking.
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