Chasing Dreams - Chapter 14
Title: Chasing Dreams
Author: raven_kerry
Beta-reader: onthaedge
Artist: marsmaywander
Word-count: 44’038
Rating: M
Summary: Growing up as a psychic in Ohio is difficult. Throw in being gay and a dream-boyfriend and it’s that much more difficult.
Kurt has always been able to see things through other people’s eyes, hear their thoughts and feel their pain and emotions as if they were his own. It’s difficult to go on when you literally feel how much people hate you. This is his story.
Pairing: Kadam
Warnings: suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs
Author’s Note: A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It’s been amazing. :)
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Epilogue | Excerpt: Of Meetings
Chapter 14
Kurt was scared stiff when Santana told him and Rachel that she’d gone through their stuff. Luckily, however, she didn’t mention his sketches. He knew she’d seen them, since they were in a different place than where they had been before. He figured she’d just thought they were normal drawings and left them alone.
Afterwards, when they were alone together, he realized he’d been stupid for writing her off so quickly. She stood next to him, hip jutted out, with her hand on it, standing next to the couch asking in her usual mock-sweet voice. “Hey, porcelain, care to tell me what all those disturbing sketches were of?”
Kurt clenched his jaw. “No.”
She leaned into his space where he was sitting on the couch, putting her cleavage on display to him, much to his displeasure. “Well, you see, I did some research. I knew I recognized some of the faces in them. So, why exactly were you drawing these people at the moment they were killed? Are you some type of nymphomaniac or something?”
Kurt responded incredulously, “Nymphomaniac? Me? Eww!”
“Well, if you don’t want me to think that, then tell me what they really are. And how did you know exactly how they died? Your pictures are much more explicit than the media and the dates marked on them are from before the article in the newspaper came out.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just have a good imagination.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll make it easy for you. I’ll tell you what’s going on and you’ll tell me if I’m right. Okay?”
Kurt nodded. “But I won’t help you figure it out.”
“I don’t need help. You see, Kurt, I’ve figured it out,” she raised her finger to poke him in the chest. “You, my friend, are psychic, aren’t you? Clairvoyant to be exact.”
“There’s no such thing as -”
Santana interrupted, “Don’t lie to me Kurt. You see, I’m psychic too. My Mexican-third-eye never lies,” she gestured towards her forehead. “As a matter of fact - it tells me when other people are lying or hiding the truth. It also tells me people’s weaknesses, so I can exploit them. So, am I right?”
Kurt sighed and nodded, looking defeated. “You’re right. That’s not all, though. I’m also an empath and I can hear people’s thoughts when they’re thinking loudly enough. Is that all?”
“No, it isn’t. Tell me, why did you act the way you did with Blaine at the wedding, when you’ve obviously got someone here you care more for?"
“What?”
“Porcelain - Kurt, you give off a different vibe when around Adam. You really care about Adam. I can tell that. So, why did you sleep with Blaine?”
“At that point, Adam and I weren’t officially dating.”
“And you are now?”
“We’re giving it a try, yes. What’s the difference between what you sense when I’m with Blaine versus when I’m with Adam?"
Santana shook her head and sat down on the couch next to Kurt. “That isn’t it, Kurt. You feel more real when you’re with Adam. You’re more you. When you’re with Blaine, it’s almost as if you’re a shadow or a reflection. You act the way he wants you to act and I don’t like it. You aren’t the sassy guy I knew in high school anymore then. So, why do it then?”
Kurt shrugged. “I don’t really know. I was fine while I was here. Then the moment I saw Blaine again, it was like something switched in me. I fell back into old patterns. All the feelings for him that were almost gone - they came back all at once. I couldn’t say ‘no’ anymore. I wanted everything he wanted. But now that I’m back here in New York it’s gone again. I don’t understand it to be honest. I’ve basically just been ignoring the problem.”
“You should figure it out. Because if you’re going to go back to being Blaine’s boy every time you see him, it’s time to break it off with Doctor Who here.”
“I want to be over Blaine, Santana. I want to be able to give myself fully to Adam. He knows that I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever really get there, but I want to try.”
“Then give it a few weeks. Don’t drag him along though. He’s obviously head over heels in love with you and it wouldn’t be fair to him. Just so you know, though, he’s hiding something too. Nothing bad, as far as I can tell, but there is something there that he hasn’t told you.”
Kurt hugged himself. “Everyone has secrets. I haven’t told him or Blaine about my psychic abilities. Blaine never knew why I’d never stay the night. I told him it was because of my dad and, luckily, he never doubted that excuse. I don’t know if I can trust Blaine with that side of myself. I think I could with Adam, though. I think he’d believe me.”
Santana rolled her eyes. “Hello? Do you even hear what you’re saying? Then get rid of Hobbit 2.0. If you don’t trust him with that, then it’s not worth being in a relationship with him, okay? You have to do whatever is right for you.”
Kurt growled, frustrated, and brought his palms up to rest his hands in. “I know that! But everything switches perspective and importance when he’s there! It’s like I’m a completely different person!”
Santana brushed her hair back behind her ear. “Kurt, I told you once, and I’ll tell you again, listen to yourself when you speak. You know there’s something wrong. I know something’s wrong. I can’t tell you what it is, though. I don’t know. You have to figure it out and stop it from happening again.”
Kurt pinched the bridge between his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “I know. I don’t know what to do though. I just - Adam is such a wonderful guy. He deserves the best. He deserves better than this - better than I can give him. I should break up with him.”
Santana groaned as she let her head fall to the back of the sofa, rolling her eyes. “Kurt, don’t be so defeatist. Where’s the spunky bitch I knew in Sophomore year?”
Kurt’s lower lip trembled slightly. “Karofsky killed him. The visions killed him. The relationship with Blaine killed him. I’m just trying to survive right now and live if I can find it in myself. You know, I actually tried once, in Freshman year.”
Santana’s eyes narrowed. “Tried what?”
“Do you remember when I was sick for a few weeks?”
Santana shook her head. “Vaguely, yeah. There were all sorts of rumors going around about what had happened to you.”
Kurt closed his eyes resolutely. “I was in the hospital on suicide watch for part of that.”
Santana stood up, walked over to stand in front of him and slapped him hard on the face and yelled, “You idiot!” before pulling him into a hug. “How could you? Why didn’t you say anything after Karofsky -”
Kurt shook his head and babbled, “I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want people to be thinking about it. I didn’t want to hear them wishing I’d succeeded and taunting me about it. And by the time Karofsky tried, I’d been hiding it for so long. You have to understand, Santana, that back then I had no one. I wasn’t in Glee club yet, because Sandy Ryerson was creepy and I knew that he wanted to touch me. So I stayed away from him. Everywhere I went, I felt so much hatred and dislike directed at me. That coupled with the visions - it just got to be too much. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I wanted to get out. You don’t understand what it’s like, Santana. I’ve seen so many horrible things; so many atrocious things done by people to harm others. I - I felt it all. I know the sick joy someone can feel, while doing something atrocious, as well as the guilt. I’ve felt it all.”
“What helped you pull through?”
“My dad, my Adam, my psychiatrist Eliza and her husband.”
“Your Adam?” Santana raised an eyebrow.
Kurt nodded. “Yeah. Do you remember all the sketches of a pre-teen boy I have? That’s my Adam. I’ve been seeing and meeting him since I was about eight. Usually, when things get to be too much for me, I find myself in a nice cottage with a pond in front of it, surrounded by trees and with mountains in the far distance. It’s nice there. Shortly after I watched my mom die, he’s been meeting me there.”
Santana cocked her head to the side, narrowing her eyes slightly. “And there’s no chance that that Adam is the same as Doctor Who? I mean, they look kinda similar.”
Kurt shook his head. “It would be too big of a coincidence if they were the same. Believe me, I thought about it and dismissed it. Since he and I can’t share our names with each other, Eliza named him for me. She chose the name because I couldn’t go on just calling him him. She picked it because it’s the name of the first man and he was the first man in my life.”
“So, if you found him, what would you do?”
“I’d leave whoever I was dating to be with him. I love him more than anyone else.”
Santana shrugged as she sat back down. “Then it’s pretty easy. We have to track this guy down. And, in the meantime, you don’t date anyone. You just have friends with benefits. We’re going to find you your happy-ever-after, Kurt. And, believe me, if there’s anyone who can help you with that, it’s me.”
“So I should break up with Adam then?” Kurt asked.
“Yeah. Just give me some time and I’ll find your boy.”
“Thanks.” Kurt offered her a shy little smile.
“By the way, is there anything you can tell me about him?”
“He had a kidney transplant when he was twelve, is an empath, should be about four years older than me and has an English accent. He’s currently studying somewhere here in the States.”
Santana looked at him for a moment, mouth slightly open, her finger in the air. “Kurt, are you really sure you’re not talking about Doctor Who here?”
“I told you, it would be too much of a coincidence. Besides, I think I’d know if he were my Adam.”
Santana rolled her eyes and let out a loud breath. “Not if you’re ignoring the truth that’s right in front of your eyes. Maybe the reason for the coincidence would be because you were meant to find each other. Maybe he actually is Doctor Who. Don’t ignore it as a possibility.”
Kurt scowled. “I can and I will. It can’t be him.”
She huffed in annoyance. “Fine! Go ahead and disregard our number one contender, while I go snooping - but believe me, I’m not going to disregard that option. I’ll find out for you because you’re being an obstinate idiot about it.”
“I think you’re right about breaking up with him. As long as I can’t give him all of my heart - he deserves better. I can’t date him and break up with him the moment I find my dream-boyfriend.”
Santana rolled her eyes. “Give him a few weeks first. Then you can decide.”
“Okay. A few weeks. That’s it though. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“It’s too late for that. You are going to hurt him.”
Kurt visibly crumbled in on himself. “I care about him though. I really like him. I know I could love him in time. If only it weren’t for Blaine and my Adam.” A single tear dribbled down his face. “I want him to be happy.”
Santana wrapped an arm around Kurt. “Don’t worry about his happiness. Worry about your own first.”
Kurt sighed. “I wish I could.”
***
Several weeks later, Kurt met Adam in another little café. This time he bought their drinks. They sat there for a while chattering about mundane things like school and the weather until Kurt finally gathered together his courage. “Adam, there’s a reason I asked you to come here today.”
Adam’s usual smile dimmed slightly. “That sounds ominous.”
Kurt sighed. “It is. This thing between us; I don’t think it’s working. It’s - I care for you a lot, Adam. I know I could fall in love with you. Believe me, it’s not you. It’s me. I just - I can’t seem to get over my ex.”
“Give it time,” Adam pleaded.
“It’s been over half a year! I’ve given it time! I just - this isn’t fair to you. I can’t keep dragging you along when I might,” he chocked, “when I might never actually get over him. You’re a wonderful guy. You deserve better.”
“What if I don’t want better? I want you!” Adam reached out to touch Kurt’s shoulder, before pulling back.
Kurt frowned and shook his head. “And I want to want you like that too! But I can’t! And I don’t want to put you through that. I can’t control myself around my ex. I don’t know why. I just slip into old patterns and - you deserve better. I won’t do that to you.”
“Please think it over again. Don’t cut me loose, Kurt. I -”
Kurt shook his head and cut him off, “Don’t say it! Please, don’t say it. This is hard enough as is.”
Kurt refused to look at Adam, because he knew that if he did, he’d break. This was for the best. It had to be. He had to stay strong and he knew that if he saw a single tear on Adam’s face that he wouldn’t be able to pull through with it.
After a few moments, Kurt felt Adam’s hand caressing his cheek. “I’m already in too deep, Kurt. I already care too much. I’ll be waiting for you.”
Kurt heard the scraping of Adam’s chair on the floor and his retreating footsteps. Soon the comforting feeling he’d begun to associate with him had completely vanished. Kurt stood up and left, holding in his tears until he reached the loft where he let go and cried himself to sleep. Waking only to find Rachel and Santana cuddled up to him in their pajamas.
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
Author: raven_kerry
Beta-reader: onthaedge
Artist: marsmaywander
Word-count: 44’038
Rating: M
Summary: Growing up as a psychic in Ohio is difficult. Throw in being gay and a dream-boyfriend and it’s that much more difficult.
Kurt has always been able to see things through other people’s eyes, hear their thoughts and feel their pain and emotions as if they were his own. It’s difficult to go on when you literally feel how much people hate you. This is his story.
Pairing: Kadam
Warnings: suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs
Author’s Note: A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It’s been amazing. :)
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Epilogue | Excerpt: Of Meetings
Chapter 14
Kurt was scared stiff when Santana told him and Rachel that she’d gone through their stuff. Luckily, however, she didn’t mention his sketches. He knew she’d seen them, since they were in a different place than where they had been before. He figured she’d just thought they were normal drawings and left them alone.
Afterwards, when they were alone together, he realized he’d been stupid for writing her off so quickly. She stood next to him, hip jutted out, with her hand on it, standing next to the couch asking in her usual mock-sweet voice. “Hey, porcelain, care to tell me what all those disturbing sketches were of?”
Kurt clenched his jaw. “No.”
She leaned into his space where he was sitting on the couch, putting her cleavage on display to him, much to his displeasure. “Well, you see, I did some research. I knew I recognized some of the faces in them. So, why exactly were you drawing these people at the moment they were killed? Are you some type of nymphomaniac or something?”
Kurt responded incredulously, “Nymphomaniac? Me? Eww!”
“Well, if you don’t want me to think that, then tell me what they really are. And how did you know exactly how they died? Your pictures are much more explicit than the media and the dates marked on them are from before the article in the newspaper came out.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just have a good imagination.”
“Okay, fine. I’ll make it easy for you. I’ll tell you what’s going on and you’ll tell me if I’m right. Okay?”
Kurt nodded. “But I won’t help you figure it out.”
“I don’t need help. You see, Kurt, I’ve figured it out,” she raised her finger to poke him in the chest. “You, my friend, are psychic, aren’t you? Clairvoyant to be exact.”
“There’s no such thing as -”
Santana interrupted, “Don’t lie to me Kurt. You see, I’m psychic too. My Mexican-third-eye never lies,” she gestured towards her forehead. “As a matter of fact - it tells me when other people are lying or hiding the truth. It also tells me people’s weaknesses, so I can exploit them. So, am I right?”
Kurt sighed and nodded, looking defeated. “You’re right. That’s not all, though. I’m also an empath and I can hear people’s thoughts when they’re thinking loudly enough. Is that all?”
“No, it isn’t. Tell me, why did you act the way you did with Blaine at the wedding, when you’ve obviously got someone here you care more for?"
“What?”
“Porcelain - Kurt, you give off a different vibe when around Adam. You really care about Adam. I can tell that. So, why did you sleep with Blaine?”
“At that point, Adam and I weren’t officially dating.”
“And you are now?”
“We’re giving it a try, yes. What’s the difference between what you sense when I’m with Blaine versus when I’m with Adam?"
Santana shook her head and sat down on the couch next to Kurt. “That isn’t it, Kurt. You feel more real when you’re with Adam. You’re more you. When you’re with Blaine, it’s almost as if you’re a shadow or a reflection. You act the way he wants you to act and I don’t like it. You aren’t the sassy guy I knew in high school anymore then. So, why do it then?”
Kurt shrugged. “I don’t really know. I was fine while I was here. Then the moment I saw Blaine again, it was like something switched in me. I fell back into old patterns. All the feelings for him that were almost gone - they came back all at once. I couldn’t say ‘no’ anymore. I wanted everything he wanted. But now that I’m back here in New York it’s gone again. I don’t understand it to be honest. I’ve basically just been ignoring the problem.”
“You should figure it out. Because if you’re going to go back to being Blaine’s boy every time you see him, it’s time to break it off with Doctor Who here.”
“I want to be over Blaine, Santana. I want to be able to give myself fully to Adam. He knows that I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever really get there, but I want to try.”
“Then give it a few weeks. Don’t drag him along though. He’s obviously head over heels in love with you and it wouldn’t be fair to him. Just so you know, though, he’s hiding something too. Nothing bad, as far as I can tell, but there is something there that he hasn’t told you.”
Kurt hugged himself. “Everyone has secrets. I haven’t told him or Blaine about my psychic abilities. Blaine never knew why I’d never stay the night. I told him it was because of my dad and, luckily, he never doubted that excuse. I don’t know if I can trust Blaine with that side of myself. I think I could with Adam, though. I think he’d believe me.”
Santana rolled her eyes. “Hello? Do you even hear what you’re saying? Then get rid of Hobbit 2.0. If you don’t trust him with that, then it’s not worth being in a relationship with him, okay? You have to do whatever is right for you.”
Kurt growled, frustrated, and brought his palms up to rest his hands in. “I know that! But everything switches perspective and importance when he’s there! It’s like I’m a completely different person!”
Santana brushed her hair back behind her ear. “Kurt, I told you once, and I’ll tell you again, listen to yourself when you speak. You know there’s something wrong. I know something’s wrong. I can’t tell you what it is, though. I don’t know. You have to figure it out and stop it from happening again.”
Kurt pinched the bridge between his eyes with his thumb and forefinger. “I know. I don’t know what to do though. I just - Adam is such a wonderful guy. He deserves the best. He deserves better than this - better than I can give him. I should break up with him.”
Santana groaned as she let her head fall to the back of the sofa, rolling her eyes. “Kurt, don’t be so defeatist. Where’s the spunky bitch I knew in Sophomore year?”
Kurt’s lower lip trembled slightly. “Karofsky killed him. The visions killed him. The relationship with Blaine killed him. I’m just trying to survive right now and live if I can find it in myself. You know, I actually tried once, in Freshman year.”
Santana’s eyes narrowed. “Tried what?”
“Do you remember when I was sick for a few weeks?”
Santana shook her head. “Vaguely, yeah. There were all sorts of rumors going around about what had happened to you.”
Kurt closed his eyes resolutely. “I was in the hospital on suicide watch for part of that.”
Santana stood up, walked over to stand in front of him and slapped him hard on the face and yelled, “You idiot!” before pulling him into a hug. “How could you? Why didn’t you say anything after Karofsky -”
Kurt shook his head and babbled, “I didn’t want anyone to know. I didn’t want people to be thinking about it. I didn’t want to hear them wishing I’d succeeded and taunting me about it. And by the time Karofsky tried, I’d been hiding it for so long. You have to understand, Santana, that back then I had no one. I wasn’t in Glee club yet, because Sandy Ryerson was creepy and I knew that he wanted to touch me. So I stayed away from him. Everywhere I went, I felt so much hatred and dislike directed at me. That coupled with the visions - it just got to be too much. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I wanted to get out. You don’t understand what it’s like, Santana. I’ve seen so many horrible things; so many atrocious things done by people to harm others. I - I felt it all. I know the sick joy someone can feel, while doing something atrocious, as well as the guilt. I’ve felt it all.”
“What helped you pull through?”
“My dad, my Adam, my psychiatrist Eliza and her husband.”
“Your Adam?” Santana raised an eyebrow.
Kurt nodded. “Yeah. Do you remember all the sketches of a pre-teen boy I have? That’s my Adam. I’ve been seeing and meeting him since I was about eight. Usually, when things get to be too much for me, I find myself in a nice cottage with a pond in front of it, surrounded by trees and with mountains in the far distance. It’s nice there. Shortly after I watched my mom die, he’s been meeting me there.”
Santana cocked her head to the side, narrowing her eyes slightly. “And there’s no chance that that Adam is the same as Doctor Who? I mean, they look kinda similar.”
Kurt shook his head. “It would be too big of a coincidence if they were the same. Believe me, I thought about it and dismissed it. Since he and I can’t share our names with each other, Eliza named him for me. She chose the name because I couldn’t go on just calling him him. She picked it because it’s the name of the first man and he was the first man in my life.”
“So, if you found him, what would you do?”
“I’d leave whoever I was dating to be with him. I love him more than anyone else.”
Santana shrugged as she sat back down. “Then it’s pretty easy. We have to track this guy down. And, in the meantime, you don’t date anyone. You just have friends with benefits. We’re going to find you your happy-ever-after, Kurt. And, believe me, if there’s anyone who can help you with that, it’s me.”
“So I should break up with Adam then?” Kurt asked.
“Yeah. Just give me some time and I’ll find your boy.”
“Thanks.” Kurt offered her a shy little smile.
“By the way, is there anything you can tell me about him?”
“He had a kidney transplant when he was twelve, is an empath, should be about four years older than me and has an English accent. He’s currently studying somewhere here in the States.”
Santana looked at him for a moment, mouth slightly open, her finger in the air. “Kurt, are you really sure you’re not talking about Doctor Who here?”
“I told you, it would be too much of a coincidence. Besides, I think I’d know if he were my Adam.”
Santana rolled her eyes and let out a loud breath. “Not if you’re ignoring the truth that’s right in front of your eyes. Maybe the reason for the coincidence would be because you were meant to find each other. Maybe he actually is Doctor Who. Don’t ignore it as a possibility.”
Kurt scowled. “I can and I will. It can’t be him.”
She huffed in annoyance. “Fine! Go ahead and disregard our number one contender, while I go snooping - but believe me, I’m not going to disregard that option. I’ll find out for you because you’re being an obstinate idiot about it.”
“I think you’re right about breaking up with him. As long as I can’t give him all of my heart - he deserves better. I can’t date him and break up with him the moment I find my dream-boyfriend.”
Santana rolled her eyes. “Give him a few weeks first. Then you can decide.”
“Okay. A few weeks. That’s it though. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“It’s too late for that. You are going to hurt him.”
Kurt visibly crumbled in on himself. “I care about him though. I really like him. I know I could love him in time. If only it weren’t for Blaine and my Adam.” A single tear dribbled down his face. “I want him to be happy.”
Santana wrapped an arm around Kurt. “Don’t worry about his happiness. Worry about your own first.”
Kurt sighed. “I wish I could.”
***
Several weeks later, Kurt met Adam in another little café. This time he bought their drinks. They sat there for a while chattering about mundane things like school and the weather until Kurt finally gathered together his courage. “Adam, there’s a reason I asked you to come here today.”
Adam’s usual smile dimmed slightly. “That sounds ominous.”
Kurt sighed. “It is. This thing between us; I don’t think it’s working. It’s - I care for you a lot, Adam. I know I could fall in love with you. Believe me, it’s not you. It’s me. I just - I can’t seem to get over my ex.”
“Give it time,” Adam pleaded.
“It’s been over half a year! I’ve given it time! I just - this isn’t fair to you. I can’t keep dragging you along when I might,” he chocked, “when I might never actually get over him. You’re a wonderful guy. You deserve better.”
“What if I don’t want better? I want you!” Adam reached out to touch Kurt’s shoulder, before pulling back.
Kurt frowned and shook his head. “And I want to want you like that too! But I can’t! And I don’t want to put you through that. I can’t control myself around my ex. I don’t know why. I just slip into old patterns and - you deserve better. I won’t do that to you.”
“Please think it over again. Don’t cut me loose, Kurt. I -”
Kurt shook his head and cut him off, “Don’t say it! Please, don’t say it. This is hard enough as is.”
Kurt refused to look at Adam, because he knew that if he did, he’d break. This was for the best. It had to be. He had to stay strong and he knew that if he saw a single tear on Adam’s face that he wouldn’t be able to pull through with it.
After a few moments, Kurt felt Adam’s hand caressing his cheek. “I’m already in too deep, Kurt. I already care too much. I’ll be waiting for you.”
Kurt heard the scraping of Adam’s chair on the floor and his retreating footsteps. Soon the comforting feeling he’d begun to associate with him had completely vanished. Kurt stood up and left, holding in his tears until he reached the loft where he let go and cried himself to sleep. Waking only to find Rachel and Santana cuddled up to him in their pajamas.
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