Chasing Dreams - Chapter 10
Title: Chasing Dreams
Author: raven_kerry
Beta-reader: onthaedge
Artist: marsmaywander
Word-count: 44’038
Rating: M
Summary: Growing up as a psychic in Ohio is difficult. Throw in being gay and a dream-boyfriend and it’s that much more difficult.
Kurt has always been able to see things through other people’s eyes, hear their thoughts and feel their pain and emotions as if they were his own. It’s difficult to go on when you literally feel how much people hate you. This is his story.
Pairing: Kadam
Warnings: suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs
Author’s Note: A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It’s been amazing. :)
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Epilogue | Excerpt: Of Meetings
Chapter 10
Kurt was curled up on sofa when Adam arrived, but he didn’t look up. Instead he just looked into the murky brown depths of his hot chocolate. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to express himself. He was just exhausted from the fear he’d felt during the day. He was glad that he had gone to the house instead of having visions. It would have been too much.
Kurt felt the couch sink down next to him and Adam’s warm arm wrap around his waist. He asked him, “Ariel, are you alright?”
Kurt shook his head and requested, “Can we please call the first kiss we shared here my first kiss?”
“Why?”
“Just, please, tell me it was my first kiss. Confirm it to me. Please!”
Adam gently removed the cup of hot chocolate from Kurt’s grip and carefully placed it off to the side. He sat down on the couch and pulled Kurt into his arms. He asked again, “Why are you asking, Ariel?”
Kurt gave in. “A guy at school kissed me today.”
“Isn’t that good? That means you aren’t alone after all.”
Kurt pushed away from Adam and yelled, “No! I didn’t want it! He’s a closeted bully who makes my life miserable! How could I ever want that?” Kurt’s eyes misted over. “It didn’t feel anything like our kisses. It wasn’t gentle or sweet. It was forceful and I didn’t want it!”
Adam pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back soothingly. “It’s okay. Everything will be fine. Tell me, did our first kiss mean something to you?”
Kurt nodded minutely.
“Would you like it to be your first kiss?”
Kurt nodded again.
“Then it’s your first kiss.”
Kurt blinked. “Huh?”
“The first kiss is all about intent. When we’re babies and small children we kiss lots of girls and boys. If you kissed a boy before you understood any more than you thought he was cute or sweet and wanted to show your affection somehow - does that count as your first kiss? If it does, then a lot of people have already had theirs before they’re out of their terrible twos. We have a picture of me kissing another boy when I was a year old. I never counted that as my first kiss though. So, yes, your first kiss was with mine. The one with him doesn’t count because you didn’t want it. Any type of sexual harassment doesn’t count.”
Kurt hesitated. “But part of me wanted it.”
Adam cajoled, “Ariel, was that really part of you?”
“Huh?”
“Think back, was that you who wanted it, or were you picking up on what he wanted?”
“I don’t understand. I know what I was feeling!” Kurt replied defensively.
“That’s great. Then you’re better than I am at keeping them separated. I remember there was a guy I dated a while. Whenever I was around him I felt like I was head over heels in love with him. Whenever I wasn’t, I felt nothing for him. It took me a long time to figure out that I didn’t actually love him. My lack of feelings for him were just overpowered by his intense feelings for me. Now, I ask you again, think back, did any part of you really want it?”
Kurt thought back, away from Karofsky and his emotions. He shook his head. “No, I didn’t. At least now I know what the strange feeling I felt coming from him is.”
“What is it?”
Kurt shuddered. “Lust and fear.”
Adam’s gaze grew intense. “Ariel, you have to promise me, if it gets too dangerous - tell your dad and get out of there.”
“I won’t run away!”
“Ariel! Those who run away live to fight another day! He’s scared. Who knows what he’ll do now that you know his secret? The secret used to hold him back I’m sure. Now nothing’s holding him back. You’ll be completely at his mercy. Ariel, can you honestly tell me that you can protect yourself from him if push comes to shove?” Adam demanded.
“Well, no… but… my glee club needs me.”
“You have to put yourself first, Ariel. Promise me you’ll get out of there before it’s too late. I don’t want him to seriously harm you.”
Kurt nodded. “I promise.” There was a moment of silence. “On the plus side I met another gay boy at another school nearby when I was spying on them. He’s out and kinda cute.”
Adam offered him a trembling half-smile. “I wish it was me.”
Kurt grimaced. “So do I, Adam. But unfortunately we haven’t found each other in real life yet. You’re the one who told me we should date others until we find each other.”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t stop me from being a bit jealous of them being able to be near you, when that’s the thing I wish for most in the world.” Adam stroked Kurt’s cheek with the back of his index-finger.
Kurt brought their lips together. “You and me both, Adam. No matter whom I date, I don’t think I’ll ever love them as much as I love you, though.”
“Same here. I have dated others and…” he faltered. “I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s just something missing.
Kurt smiled. “I’m glad. I don’t really want to share you with someone else on that level.”
“Jealous?” Adam teased.
Kurt turned away from him, his cheeks flushed.
Adam pulled Kurt into a hug. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. I’d be jealous of any boyfriend you had too.”
“Really?”
“Truly.”
Kurt’s expression grew brighter. “Is it strange that that makes me feel really good: That I like it that you’d be jealous?”
“No. It reminds you that I care.”
Kurt smiled as he felt his heart skip a beat. “Yeah.” He let himself sink into Adam’s arms, cuddling into the warmth. “Can we just stay like this?”
“Of course, Ariel. Anytime.”
Kurt’s smile widened as he rested his head on Adam’s chest, hearing his calming steady heartbeat. “This is nice.”
“It is.” Adam remained silent for a few minutes. He then stated in a jovial tone, “You know, Ariel, you and being in America have been a bad influence on me.”
Kurt giggled. “We have, have we? How?”
“My English is slowly deteriorating. More and more I’m using American expressions instead of British ones. I barely noticed until talking to my mom on the phone the other day. She chastised me for forgetting my proper English.”
Kurt snorted elegantly. “What did you say?”
“Yeah.”
Kurt giggled. “That sounds so funny when you say it with a British accent.”
Adam chastised, half-seriously, “You aren’t helping at all.”
“I think it’s cute. Besides, you’ve worn off on me too, though it used to be worse. Remember, you convinced me to say vitamin your way when we’d just met. I was only eight and I thought you knew what you were talking about until my dad corrected me too.”
Adam’s smile turned a little mischievous. “It was entertaining.”
Kurt huffed in fake indignation, though he couldn’t rid himself completely of the smile. “For you. I was utterly mortified.”
With a twinkle in his eye, Adam sang ‘Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off’ from the musical ‘Shall We Dance’,
“Things have come to a pretty pass,
Our romance is growing flat,
For you like this and the other
While I go for this and that.
Goodness knows what the end will be;
Oh, I don't know where I'm at…
It looks as if we two will never be one,
Something must be done.
“You say eether and I say eyether,
You say neether and I say nyther;
Eether, eyether, neether, nyther,
Let's call the whole thing off!
You like potato and I like potahto,
You like tomato and I like tomahto;
Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto!
Let's call the whole thing off!
“But oh! If we call the whole thing off,
Then we must part.
And oh! If we ever part,
Then that might break my heart!
So, if you like pajamas and I like pajahmas,
I'll wear pajamas and give up pajahmas.
For we know we need each other,
So we better call the calling off off.
Let's call the whole thing off!
“You say laughter and I say lawfter,
You say after and I say awfter;
Laughter, lawfter, after, awfter,
Let's call the whole thing off!
You like vanilla and I like vanella,
You, sa's'parilla and I sa's'parella;
Vanilla, vanella, Choc'late, strawb'ry!
Let's call the whole thing off!
“But oh! If we call the whole thing off,
Then we must part.
And oh! If we ever part,
Then that might break my heart!
So, if you go for oysters and I go for ersters
I'll order oysters and cancel the ersters.
For we know we need each other,
So we better call the calling off off!
Let's call the whole thing off!”
Kurt giggled. “Sometimes I really hate you, you know.”
Adam clutched at his heart in dismay. “Oh, no! Is there anything I can do get your love back?”
“Kiss me. Remind me what a real kiss should be like.”
Adam’s smile dimmed slightly and he nodded, before leaning in to capture Kurt’s lips in a soft gentle kiss. Kurt closed his eyes as the familiar feeling of warmth, comfort and love flowed back and forth between the two of them. There was nowhere he’d rather be at that moment, except for wherever Adam’s physical body was.
Ever so slowly, the emotional wound caused by Karofsky’s actions began to mend. Kurt knew it would leave another scar on his psyche, but at least it would heal. As long as he had Adam, he would be fine.
***
When Kurt awoke that day, he knew that he was ready to confront Karofsky with Blaine, like the other boy wanted. He didn’t really want to, but hoped it would help his bully come to terms with his feelings. He hoped that if he could help him make peace, he might stop the bullying. Certainly, that didn’t mean that Kurt wouldn’t be bullied at all anymore, but one less bully was still an improvement. He already knew that from when Puck had joined the New Directions.
***
Unfortunately, things didn’t go that well with Karofsky. Instead of letting it go and giving up on bullying Kurt, he brought things to a new height. His fear was so intense that it managed to bleed into Kurt, heightening his own fear almost into a panic. Kurt constantly felt Karofsky’s fear of being discovered and his self-hatred for being attracted to the same gender. He felt the hatred that Karofsky aimed at him because he was attracted to Kurt and wanted him in ways he couldn’t accept.
Kurt was scared to do anything to set him off. So, instead of fighting back like he always had, he pulled back. He let Karofsky have his way with him: shoving him around, stealing his stuff. Kurt was scared that he would follow through on his threat to kill him, or even just hurt him in some fashion. He knew he had the power to end it all. He could out Karofsky. If he actually did kill him, then he wouldn’t exactly have committed suicide. He could finally be free of his visions, of feeling and hearing things from other people that he didn’t want to know.
The one thing holding him back from doing that, though, was Karofsky. Kurt didn’t want to out him. He wanted to help him find peace with who he was. He wanted him to be able to break free from all his homophobic thoughts. Kurt understood how difficult it was coming out - and he’d had his empathy to help him out. He couldn’t even imagine what it must be like coming out without that reassurance.
On the positive side, though, he was spending more time with Blaine. He’d started to develop butterflies in his stomach whenever around him. He hoped that maybe the two of them would get together.
The only thing that bothered him, was that the way Blaine acted and the way he acted didn’t always fit together. For instance, one time they’d been at the mall together, they’d seen a lesbian couple holding hands and exchanging a few sweet kisses. Blaine had gone on and on about how wonderful it was that they could do that; and yet, Kurt felt that he had a deep-set disapproval for the PDA. When Kurt would remark about hetero couples, though, Blaine would be ambivalent about them. Sometimes Blaine would flirt mercilessly with Kurt, but there was only boredom and a sense of obligation behind it. It was almost as if Blaine had the feeling that he had to flirt with Kurt because they were both gay.
Still, there were times when Blaine was extremely sweet and charming. Sometimes he’d just burst out into song in the middle of a parking lot or park, dancing around and trying to find stuff he could jump on. Those were the times Kurt loved the most, because he felt carefree and light as he laughingly joined in.
Kurt knew that Blaine didn’t have feelings for him. He just liked the way Kurt made him feel. Still, even if they remained friend-zoned all their lives, Kurt wouldn’t regret the time they spent together. After all, he had someone else who was waiting for him and whom he was waiting for. He didn’t really need Blaine as long as he had Adam. No matter if he’d really like to have a boyfriend who was around, it was nice to have a friend he could talk to - who understood him. He knew that Blaine couldn’t help it that he didn’t share Kurt’s feelings, so it was unnecessary to bring them up. It’s not like it would change anything.
***
It was shortly after Miss Holiday became their substitute teacher; Burt, Kurt and Carol were eating supper together. Finn was off on a date with Rachel. Over desert, Burt asked her point-blank, “Carol, do you believe in psychics?”
She blinked and replied, “I don’t know. I’ve never known one, so how can I judge?”
Kurt sent his father an alarmed glance. Sure, he’d been asking her questions and whatnot, but he’d never really asked a direct question like that.
Burt slipped a hand under the table to rest on Kurt’s thigh; Kurt felt his anxiety and fear coupled with simple love. He reached down to clasp his father’s hand for reassurance; though he wasn’t sure if it was for him or his father.
Burt sighed and replied, “Good question.” He reached for his hat, only to realize that he’d taken it off for supper. “Okay, um, I’ve thought about telling you this. It’s never been a good time though. Before I tell you, though, you have to promise never to tell anyone - including Finn.”
“Why?” Carol asked.
Kurt rolled his eyes and replied, “Because Finn doesn’t know how to keep a secret. Just look at how he acted about the whole pregnancy thing with Quinn. He was the one who told her parents and got her thrown out. Not to mention, that I heard him tell Puck right after she told him not to tell anyone.”
“He told me too when I caught him singing to a sonogram.” She paused. “I guess I can see your point. In that case, I promise not to tell anyone.”
Burt set his shoulders and looked her in the eye. “The thing about you not knowing any psychics - that’s not exactly true.”
Carol frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“Kurt’s mother was one as well as most of her family. They are and were empaths.”
“But I don’t know any of them,” she insisted.
“Yes, you do.”
She furrowed her brows in confusion until realization dawned on her and she looked at Kurt. In a slightly strained voice she replied, “Oh, okay. Is that all?”
“No. In addition to that, my grandmother was clairvoyant. It skipped a few generations, but Kurt got that as well. I have a much weaker version of the gift. I just know when someone I love is in danger. It’s -” he breathed deeply and Kurt felt the anguish and memories he was fighting down, “it’s come in handy before. Not always. It didn’t help me save Elizabeth. But I’ve been able to save others.” Kurt noticed his father’s gaze dodge to Kurt.
Apparently Carol also noticed and asked, “You saved Kurt? From what?”
Burt turned to look at Kurt, asking for permission to answer. Instead, Kurt swallowed and concentrated on the debris of pie on his plate. His left hand clenched his father’s as he played with the flakes of pie crust with his fork. “I took an overdose of sleeping pills in my freshman year.”
Carol gasped and paled. “What?”
Kurt glared at his significantly smaller flakes of crust. “You heard me. Don’t make me say it again. And don’t berate me for doing it. I’ve heard it all before. I know it was stupid, but I was so tired of the bullying, the hate, the visions - everything. I’ve been seeing Eliza since then and that’s helped. I’m not depressed though, unless I’m near someone who is. I’m dealing. It’s just - difficult sometimes.”
Carol’s eyes grew wet and Kurt felt a mixture of sympathy and pity. “Oh, Kurt…”
Kurt’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t pity me!”
“I -“
He cut her off, “Don’t give me any excuses. I know better. I know what you’re feeling.”
She reached out touch and comfort him. “I’m sorry. For everything.”
Kurt turned away from her. “It’s not your fault. I was just born this way. You know: gay and psychic.”
Carol paused, a whirl of emotions swirling around inside her. “I think I need time to digest this. I - I don’t know how to react. I won’t leave. I just need time. Is it okay if I go for a walk?”
Burt nodded. “Take all the time you want. We’ll be here when you get back.”
Kurt watched as the woman put on her coat and shoes, stepping out into the late autumn night. He soothed his father’s pain and fear after she left, promising him that she’d be back soon.
***
About an hour later, they were sitting in front of the TV. Burt had indulged in Kurt, letting the boy pick out the movie. He’d first wanted to put on Rent, before remembering that his father hated that musical, because of the possibilities it represented for Kurt’s future. So, instead he put on ‘Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?’ hoping that the mixture of comedy, musical and western would appease his father as well as himself.
Suddenly Kurt was torn away from the scene where the escaped prisoners were singing as the Soggy Bottom Boys were on the radio. He saw Carol sitting on a park bench. The person, whose eyes he was watching through, was looking at her in hunger and full of greed. Kurt looked around to try and identify which park it was and was glad to notice that it was the one closest to them. He reached out mentally for his father and yelled at him, telling him where to go. He could only hope that the message would get through.
He helplessly watched as the body he was seeing from slowly left the bushes he was hiding in. Kurt felt him reach into his pocket to pull out a knife. While reaching in, he lovingly caressed a little bag that Kurt realized contained heroin. Mentally the addict was telling himself that after he got the money off of the woman and used her, he’d get himself another fix. The last one was starting to wear off.
He figured that might help him though. Women were always prone to want to help people. It was one of the oldest and best tricks. He felt a muscle cramp in his leg and allowed it to pull him to the ground. He had to get this over with soon so he could have his next fix. He shivered. Maybe he’d let himself have the fix after he took her money and before he used her. He’d just knock her out in the meantime and then use her when he was sailing on his high.
He felt like puking, but held it back, and his headache was growing worse. He had to try to concentrate though: past his erection, past his aches and pains. His heroin was burning a hole in his pocket. He wanted to use it now. But he had to get some more money for his next fix. He needed it. He shivered again, though the perspiration was evident on his skin. He groaned as another wave of pain wracked his body.
True to form, the woman had left the bench to hurry towards him. She was asking him all sorts of questions he couldn’t understand due to the incessant ringing in his ears. The only thing he registered was that she was some kind of nurse. He pulled his knife out and held it up to her, demanding that she give him her money. She trembled in fear and a delicious feeling of power came over him, making him forget his desire for smack for a moment. His erection was at the forefront of his mind and he thought that maybe he’d use her first and then get the money off of her.
Kurt pushed the thoughts of the heroin back to the foreground of the addict’s mind in an attempt to give his father more time to get there. He sighed slightly in relief as his manipulations worked on the confused brain. He’d never tried doing that before and was glad it worked, even if it made him feel sick to manipulate someone like that. He had to give his dad time.
The addict was fumbling all over Carol’s body, trying to find where she had hidden her purse or wallet or any money. He grew increasingly frantic as he discovered that she hadn’t taken it with her. She didn’t have the money on her to pay for his next high. He grew angry. How dare she leave without any money? How could she do this to him?
He was shocked when suddenly there was a large burly man pulling him off of her, holding his arms behind him. He heard sirens approaching shortly thereafter and struggled to get free. But his body wasn’t playing along. He needed a fix. He needed it right then. He felt weak and tired as he tried to fight the man off. He yawned. For a moment he forgot that he was being held securely and tried to scratch the itch that had just formed on his knee. He couldn’t reach it though, because the stupid man was holding his arms. Unable to hold it back anymore, he threw up all over himself, wishing the man had been in front of him instead of behind him, so that he could throw up all over him as well.
Kurt felt relief flood him as he noticed his father had arrived to help Carol. Unable to leave quite yet, he watched and distanced himself from the addict’s emotions and pain as well as he could. When the police arrived he felt the strong desire leak through to turn the knife on himself, rather than be separated from his smack. Luckily, for Kurt, it didn’t get that far.
The police took him in and discovered the bag of white powder in his pocket. Kurt felt the overwhelming anger and fear run through him as they took it away and the realization that he’d be sent to some rehab center that wouldn’t help at all before maybe spending time in jail. He didn’t want that. Kurt felt him manage to break free from their grip, grab one of the guns and turn it on himself. Before anyone could react he and Kurt felt the few seconds before he died, as the bullet traveled through his brain.
***
Kurt woke up in the seat of his dad’s truck, trembling. His skin was clammy and his clothes drenched with sweat. He felt like puking as he had a flashback to his mother’s death, as the branch of the tree had pierced her skull. He skittered out of the truck and quickly found himself on his hands and knees, throwing up his supper as tears streaked down his face.
Just as he began to painfully dry heave between his sobs, his father and Carol found him. He was holding her closely and she was utterly traumatized. Still, the moment she saw him, he became the center of her world as she went into mothering-mode and rushed to him. She bit back her own tears as she gently stroked his back. His father reached into his pocket to remove a pack of paper handkerchiefs. He gently wiped off Kurt’s face, before grabbing a bottle of water out of the truck, from behind its seat. He opened it and handed it to Kurt.
Carol asked, “Are you okay?”
Kurt shook his head. “The way - the way he died - too similar. Almost like - like mom.” Finally the dry heaves stopped and Kurt took a sip from the water bottle. He steadied his voice slightly, “Are you okay, Carole?”
“What? I - I’ll be fine.” She gave them a strained smile. “Luckily I have you two psychics to look out for me.” She gave a humorless laugh.
Kurt nodded. “He was going to rape you. He couldn’t quite decide what order to do things in. I - I manipulated him. It felt so wrong. It was wrong. But he was going to rape you. I had to give dad more time. How can someone wrong be right? But it was. And I’d do it again. I know I would; if I knew the victim. But it was just so utterly wrong at the same time. And then his death - mommy -” Kurt turned around so he could hug Carol, absentmindedly careful not to get any of the vomit on his clothes.
He heard his father mutter, “Oh, buddy -” before pulling both of them into a hug as well.
After a few moments, Carol asked, “You saw your mother’s death?”
Kurt nodded. “Through her eyes and I felt everything she felt.”
She inquired, “And you were only eight?”
Kurt nodded again.
“Oh, shit.”
They sat there a while, gathering comfort from each other, before Burt packed them all up in the car and they set off home. The next day they were scheduled to drive to Toledo. There would be more than enough time to discuss things there when they’d have Eliza to mediate and help them get over this. One thing was for certain, though, Kurt knew for certain now that Carol accepted him and his abilities completely. She believed in them and wanted nothing more than to comfort him as if he were her son. He could handle that. As a matter of fact, it was kind of nice. It was almost like having a mother again.
Previous Chapter | Next Chapter
Author: raven_kerry
Beta-reader: onthaedge
Artist: marsmaywander
Word-count: 44’038
Rating: M
Summary: Growing up as a psychic in Ohio is difficult. Throw in being gay and a dream-boyfriend and it’s that much more difficult.
Kurt has always been able to see things through other people’s eyes, hear their thoughts and feel their pain and emotions as if they were his own. It’s difficult to go on when you literally feel how much people hate you. This is his story.
Pairing: Kadam
Warnings: suicide attempt and ideation, mentioned non-con towards adults and children, violence, pagan beliefs
Author’s Note: A thousand thanks to my beta and artist for choosing to work with me. It’s been amazing. :)
Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14 | Chapter 15 | Epilogue | Excerpt: Of Meetings
Chapter 10
Kurt was curled up on sofa when Adam arrived, but he didn’t look up. Instead he just looked into the murky brown depths of his hot chocolate. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how to express himself. He was just exhausted from the fear he’d felt during the day. He was glad that he had gone to the house instead of having visions. It would have been too much.
Kurt felt the couch sink down next to him and Adam’s warm arm wrap around his waist. He asked him, “Ariel, are you alright?”
Kurt shook his head and requested, “Can we please call the first kiss we shared here my first kiss?”
“Why?”
“Just, please, tell me it was my first kiss. Confirm it to me. Please!”
Adam gently removed the cup of hot chocolate from Kurt’s grip and carefully placed it off to the side. He sat down on the couch and pulled Kurt into his arms. He asked again, “Why are you asking, Ariel?”
Kurt gave in. “A guy at school kissed me today.”
“Isn’t that good? That means you aren’t alone after all.”
Kurt pushed away from Adam and yelled, “No! I didn’t want it! He’s a closeted bully who makes my life miserable! How could I ever want that?” Kurt’s eyes misted over. “It didn’t feel anything like our kisses. It wasn’t gentle or sweet. It was forceful and I didn’t want it!”
Adam pulled him into a hug and rubbed his back soothingly. “It’s okay. Everything will be fine. Tell me, did our first kiss mean something to you?”
Kurt nodded minutely.
“Would you like it to be your first kiss?”
Kurt nodded again.
“Then it’s your first kiss.”
Kurt blinked. “Huh?”
“The first kiss is all about intent. When we’re babies and small children we kiss lots of girls and boys. If you kissed a boy before you understood any more than you thought he was cute or sweet and wanted to show your affection somehow - does that count as your first kiss? If it does, then a lot of people have already had theirs before they’re out of their terrible twos. We have a picture of me kissing another boy when I was a year old. I never counted that as my first kiss though. So, yes, your first kiss was with mine. The one with him doesn’t count because you didn’t want it. Any type of sexual harassment doesn’t count.”
Kurt hesitated. “But part of me wanted it.”
Adam cajoled, “Ariel, was that really part of you?”
“Huh?”
“Think back, was that you who wanted it, or were you picking up on what he wanted?”
“I don’t understand. I know what I was feeling!” Kurt replied defensively.
“That’s great. Then you’re better than I am at keeping them separated. I remember there was a guy I dated a while. Whenever I was around him I felt like I was head over heels in love with him. Whenever I wasn’t, I felt nothing for him. It took me a long time to figure out that I didn’t actually love him. My lack of feelings for him were just overpowered by his intense feelings for me. Now, I ask you again, think back, did any part of you really want it?”
Kurt thought back, away from Karofsky and his emotions. He shook his head. “No, I didn’t. At least now I know what the strange feeling I felt coming from him is.”
“What is it?”
Kurt shuddered. “Lust and fear.”
Adam’s gaze grew intense. “Ariel, you have to promise me, if it gets too dangerous - tell your dad and get out of there.”
“I won’t run away!”
“Ariel! Those who run away live to fight another day! He’s scared. Who knows what he’ll do now that you know his secret? The secret used to hold him back I’m sure. Now nothing’s holding him back. You’ll be completely at his mercy. Ariel, can you honestly tell me that you can protect yourself from him if push comes to shove?” Adam demanded.
“Well, no… but… my glee club needs me.”
“You have to put yourself first, Ariel. Promise me you’ll get out of there before it’s too late. I don’t want him to seriously harm you.”
Kurt nodded. “I promise.” There was a moment of silence. “On the plus side I met another gay boy at another school nearby when I was spying on them. He’s out and kinda cute.”
Adam offered him a trembling half-smile. “I wish it was me.”
Kurt grimaced. “So do I, Adam. But unfortunately we haven’t found each other in real life yet. You’re the one who told me we should date others until we find each other.”
“Yeah, but that doesn’t stop me from being a bit jealous of them being able to be near you, when that’s the thing I wish for most in the world.” Adam stroked Kurt’s cheek with the back of his index-finger.
Kurt brought their lips together. “You and me both, Adam. No matter whom I date, I don’t think I’ll ever love them as much as I love you, though.”
“Same here. I have dated others and…” he faltered. “I don’t know how to explain it, but there’s just something missing.
Kurt smiled. “I’m glad. I don’t really want to share you with someone else on that level.”
“Jealous?” Adam teased.
Kurt turned away from him, his cheeks flushed.
Adam pulled Kurt into a hug. “You don’t have to be embarrassed. I’d be jealous of any boyfriend you had too.”
“Really?”
“Truly.”
Kurt’s expression grew brighter. “Is it strange that that makes me feel really good: That I like it that you’d be jealous?”
“No. It reminds you that I care.”
Kurt smiled as he felt his heart skip a beat. “Yeah.” He let himself sink into Adam’s arms, cuddling into the warmth. “Can we just stay like this?”
“Of course, Ariel. Anytime.”
Kurt’s smile widened as he rested his head on Adam’s chest, hearing his calming steady heartbeat. “This is nice.”
“It is.” Adam remained silent for a few minutes. He then stated in a jovial tone, “You know, Ariel, you and being in America have been a bad influence on me.”
Kurt giggled. “We have, have we? How?”
“My English is slowly deteriorating. More and more I’m using American expressions instead of British ones. I barely noticed until talking to my mom on the phone the other day. She chastised me for forgetting my proper English.”
Kurt snorted elegantly. “What did you say?”
“Yeah.”
Kurt giggled. “That sounds so funny when you say it with a British accent.”
Adam chastised, half-seriously, “You aren’t helping at all.”
“I think it’s cute. Besides, you’ve worn off on me too, though it used to be worse. Remember, you convinced me to say vitamin your way when we’d just met. I was only eight and I thought you knew what you were talking about until my dad corrected me too.”
Adam’s smile turned a little mischievous. “It was entertaining.”
Kurt huffed in fake indignation, though he couldn’t rid himself completely of the smile. “For you. I was utterly mortified.”
With a twinkle in his eye, Adam sang ‘Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off’ from the musical ‘Shall We Dance’,
“Things have come to a pretty pass,
Our romance is growing flat,
For you like this and the other
While I go for this and that.
Goodness knows what the end will be;
Oh, I don't know where I'm at…
It looks as if we two will never be one,
Something must be done.
“You say eether and I say eyether,
You say neether and I say nyther;
Eether, eyether, neether, nyther,
Let's call the whole thing off!
You like potato and I like potahto,
You like tomato and I like tomahto;
Potato, potahto, tomato, tomahto!
Let's call the whole thing off!
“But oh! If we call the whole thing off,
Then we must part.
And oh! If we ever part,
Then that might break my heart!
So, if you like pajamas and I like pajahmas,
I'll wear pajamas and give up pajahmas.
For we know we need each other,
So we better call the calling off off.
Let's call the whole thing off!
“You say laughter and I say lawfter,
You say after and I say awfter;
Laughter, lawfter, after, awfter,
Let's call the whole thing off!
You like vanilla and I like vanella,
You, sa's'parilla and I sa's'parella;
Vanilla, vanella, Choc'late, strawb'ry!
Let's call the whole thing off!
“But oh! If we call the whole thing off,
Then we must part.
And oh! If we ever part,
Then that might break my heart!
So, if you go for oysters and I go for ersters
I'll order oysters and cancel the ersters.
For we know we need each other,
So we better call the calling off off!
Let's call the whole thing off!”
Kurt giggled. “Sometimes I really hate you, you know.”
Adam clutched at his heart in dismay. “Oh, no! Is there anything I can do get your love back?”
“Kiss me. Remind me what a real kiss should be like.”
Adam’s smile dimmed slightly and he nodded, before leaning in to capture Kurt’s lips in a soft gentle kiss. Kurt closed his eyes as the familiar feeling of warmth, comfort and love flowed back and forth between the two of them. There was nowhere he’d rather be at that moment, except for wherever Adam’s physical body was.
Ever so slowly, the emotional wound caused by Karofsky’s actions began to mend. Kurt knew it would leave another scar on his psyche, but at least it would heal. As long as he had Adam, he would be fine.
***
When Kurt awoke that day, he knew that he was ready to confront Karofsky with Blaine, like the other boy wanted. He didn’t really want to, but hoped it would help his bully come to terms with his feelings. He hoped that if he could help him make peace, he might stop the bullying. Certainly, that didn’t mean that Kurt wouldn’t be bullied at all anymore, but one less bully was still an improvement. He already knew that from when Puck had joined the New Directions.
***
Unfortunately, things didn’t go that well with Karofsky. Instead of letting it go and giving up on bullying Kurt, he brought things to a new height. His fear was so intense that it managed to bleed into Kurt, heightening his own fear almost into a panic. Kurt constantly felt Karofsky’s fear of being discovered and his self-hatred for being attracted to the same gender. He felt the hatred that Karofsky aimed at him because he was attracted to Kurt and wanted him in ways he couldn’t accept.
Kurt was scared to do anything to set him off. So, instead of fighting back like he always had, he pulled back. He let Karofsky have his way with him: shoving him around, stealing his stuff. Kurt was scared that he would follow through on his threat to kill him, or even just hurt him in some fashion. He knew he had the power to end it all. He could out Karofsky. If he actually did kill him, then he wouldn’t exactly have committed suicide. He could finally be free of his visions, of feeling and hearing things from other people that he didn’t want to know.
The one thing holding him back from doing that, though, was Karofsky. Kurt didn’t want to out him. He wanted to help him find peace with who he was. He wanted him to be able to break free from all his homophobic thoughts. Kurt understood how difficult it was coming out - and he’d had his empathy to help him out. He couldn’t even imagine what it must be like coming out without that reassurance.
On the positive side, though, he was spending more time with Blaine. He’d started to develop butterflies in his stomach whenever around him. He hoped that maybe the two of them would get together.
The only thing that bothered him, was that the way Blaine acted and the way he acted didn’t always fit together. For instance, one time they’d been at the mall together, they’d seen a lesbian couple holding hands and exchanging a few sweet kisses. Blaine had gone on and on about how wonderful it was that they could do that; and yet, Kurt felt that he had a deep-set disapproval for the PDA. When Kurt would remark about hetero couples, though, Blaine would be ambivalent about them. Sometimes Blaine would flirt mercilessly with Kurt, but there was only boredom and a sense of obligation behind it. It was almost as if Blaine had the feeling that he had to flirt with Kurt because they were both gay.
Still, there were times when Blaine was extremely sweet and charming. Sometimes he’d just burst out into song in the middle of a parking lot or park, dancing around and trying to find stuff he could jump on. Those were the times Kurt loved the most, because he felt carefree and light as he laughingly joined in.
Kurt knew that Blaine didn’t have feelings for him. He just liked the way Kurt made him feel. Still, even if they remained friend-zoned all their lives, Kurt wouldn’t regret the time they spent together. After all, he had someone else who was waiting for him and whom he was waiting for. He didn’t really need Blaine as long as he had Adam. No matter if he’d really like to have a boyfriend who was around, it was nice to have a friend he could talk to - who understood him. He knew that Blaine couldn’t help it that he didn’t share Kurt’s feelings, so it was unnecessary to bring them up. It’s not like it would change anything.
***
It was shortly after Miss Holiday became their substitute teacher; Burt, Kurt and Carol were eating supper together. Finn was off on a date with Rachel. Over desert, Burt asked her point-blank, “Carol, do you believe in psychics?”
She blinked and replied, “I don’t know. I’ve never known one, so how can I judge?”
Kurt sent his father an alarmed glance. Sure, he’d been asking her questions and whatnot, but he’d never really asked a direct question like that.
Burt slipped a hand under the table to rest on Kurt’s thigh; Kurt felt his anxiety and fear coupled with simple love. He reached down to clasp his father’s hand for reassurance; though he wasn’t sure if it was for him or his father.
Burt sighed and replied, “Good question.” He reached for his hat, only to realize that he’d taken it off for supper. “Okay, um, I’ve thought about telling you this. It’s never been a good time though. Before I tell you, though, you have to promise never to tell anyone - including Finn.”
“Why?” Carol asked.
Kurt rolled his eyes and replied, “Because Finn doesn’t know how to keep a secret. Just look at how he acted about the whole pregnancy thing with Quinn. He was the one who told her parents and got her thrown out. Not to mention, that I heard him tell Puck right after she told him not to tell anyone.”
“He told me too when I caught him singing to a sonogram.” She paused. “I guess I can see your point. In that case, I promise not to tell anyone.”
Burt set his shoulders and looked her in the eye. “The thing about you not knowing any psychics - that’s not exactly true.”
Carol frowned. “I don’t understand.”
“Kurt’s mother was one as well as most of her family. They are and were empaths.”
“But I don’t know any of them,” she insisted.
“Yes, you do.”
She furrowed her brows in confusion until realization dawned on her and she looked at Kurt. In a slightly strained voice she replied, “Oh, okay. Is that all?”
“No. In addition to that, my grandmother was clairvoyant. It skipped a few generations, but Kurt got that as well. I have a much weaker version of the gift. I just know when someone I love is in danger. It’s -” he breathed deeply and Kurt felt the anguish and memories he was fighting down, “it’s come in handy before. Not always. It didn’t help me save Elizabeth. But I’ve been able to save others.” Kurt noticed his father’s gaze dodge to Kurt.
Apparently Carol also noticed and asked, “You saved Kurt? From what?”
Burt turned to look at Kurt, asking for permission to answer. Instead, Kurt swallowed and concentrated on the debris of pie on his plate. His left hand clenched his father’s as he played with the flakes of pie crust with his fork. “I took an overdose of sleeping pills in my freshman year.”
Carol gasped and paled. “What?”
Kurt glared at his significantly smaller flakes of crust. “You heard me. Don’t make me say it again. And don’t berate me for doing it. I’ve heard it all before. I know it was stupid, but I was so tired of the bullying, the hate, the visions - everything. I’ve been seeing Eliza since then and that’s helped. I’m not depressed though, unless I’m near someone who is. I’m dealing. It’s just - difficult sometimes.”
Carol’s eyes grew wet and Kurt felt a mixture of sympathy and pity. “Oh, Kurt…”
Kurt’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t pity me!”
“I -“
He cut her off, “Don’t give me any excuses. I know better. I know what you’re feeling.”
She reached out touch and comfort him. “I’m sorry. For everything.”
Kurt turned away from her. “It’s not your fault. I was just born this way. You know: gay and psychic.”
Carol paused, a whirl of emotions swirling around inside her. “I think I need time to digest this. I - I don’t know how to react. I won’t leave. I just need time. Is it okay if I go for a walk?”
Burt nodded. “Take all the time you want. We’ll be here when you get back.”
Kurt watched as the woman put on her coat and shoes, stepping out into the late autumn night. He soothed his father’s pain and fear after she left, promising him that she’d be back soon.
***
About an hour later, they were sitting in front of the TV. Burt had indulged in Kurt, letting the boy pick out the movie. He’d first wanted to put on Rent, before remembering that his father hated that musical, because of the possibilities it represented for Kurt’s future. So, instead he put on ‘Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?’ hoping that the mixture of comedy, musical and western would appease his father as well as himself.
Suddenly Kurt was torn away from the scene where the escaped prisoners were singing as the Soggy Bottom Boys were on the radio. He saw Carol sitting on a park bench. The person, whose eyes he was watching through, was looking at her in hunger and full of greed. Kurt looked around to try and identify which park it was and was glad to notice that it was the one closest to them. He reached out mentally for his father and yelled at him, telling him where to go. He could only hope that the message would get through.
He helplessly watched as the body he was seeing from slowly left the bushes he was hiding in. Kurt felt him reach into his pocket to pull out a knife. While reaching in, he lovingly caressed a little bag that Kurt realized contained heroin. Mentally the addict was telling himself that after he got the money off of the woman and used her, he’d get himself another fix. The last one was starting to wear off.
He figured that might help him though. Women were always prone to want to help people. It was one of the oldest and best tricks. He felt a muscle cramp in his leg and allowed it to pull him to the ground. He had to get this over with soon so he could have his next fix. He shivered. Maybe he’d let himself have the fix after he took her money and before he used her. He’d just knock her out in the meantime and then use her when he was sailing on his high.
He felt like puking, but held it back, and his headache was growing worse. He had to try to concentrate though: past his erection, past his aches and pains. His heroin was burning a hole in his pocket. He wanted to use it now. But he had to get some more money for his next fix. He needed it. He shivered again, though the perspiration was evident on his skin. He groaned as another wave of pain wracked his body.
True to form, the woman had left the bench to hurry towards him. She was asking him all sorts of questions he couldn’t understand due to the incessant ringing in his ears. The only thing he registered was that she was some kind of nurse. He pulled his knife out and held it up to her, demanding that she give him her money. She trembled in fear and a delicious feeling of power came over him, making him forget his desire for smack for a moment. His erection was at the forefront of his mind and he thought that maybe he’d use her first and then get the money off of her.
Kurt pushed the thoughts of the heroin back to the foreground of the addict’s mind in an attempt to give his father more time to get there. He sighed slightly in relief as his manipulations worked on the confused brain. He’d never tried doing that before and was glad it worked, even if it made him feel sick to manipulate someone like that. He had to give his dad time.
The addict was fumbling all over Carol’s body, trying to find where she had hidden her purse or wallet or any money. He grew increasingly frantic as he discovered that she hadn’t taken it with her. She didn’t have the money on her to pay for his next high. He grew angry. How dare she leave without any money? How could she do this to him?
He was shocked when suddenly there was a large burly man pulling him off of her, holding his arms behind him. He heard sirens approaching shortly thereafter and struggled to get free. But his body wasn’t playing along. He needed a fix. He needed it right then. He felt weak and tired as he tried to fight the man off. He yawned. For a moment he forgot that he was being held securely and tried to scratch the itch that had just formed on his knee. He couldn’t reach it though, because the stupid man was holding his arms. Unable to hold it back anymore, he threw up all over himself, wishing the man had been in front of him instead of behind him, so that he could throw up all over him as well.
Kurt felt relief flood him as he noticed his father had arrived to help Carol. Unable to leave quite yet, he watched and distanced himself from the addict’s emotions and pain as well as he could. When the police arrived he felt the strong desire leak through to turn the knife on himself, rather than be separated from his smack. Luckily, for Kurt, it didn’t get that far.
The police took him in and discovered the bag of white powder in his pocket. Kurt felt the overwhelming anger and fear run through him as they took it away and the realization that he’d be sent to some rehab center that wouldn’t help at all before maybe spending time in jail. He didn’t want that. Kurt felt him manage to break free from their grip, grab one of the guns and turn it on himself. Before anyone could react he and Kurt felt the few seconds before he died, as the bullet traveled through his brain.
***
Kurt woke up in the seat of his dad’s truck, trembling. His skin was clammy and his clothes drenched with sweat. He felt like puking as he had a flashback to his mother’s death, as the branch of the tree had pierced her skull. He skittered out of the truck and quickly found himself on his hands and knees, throwing up his supper as tears streaked down his face.
Just as he began to painfully dry heave between his sobs, his father and Carol found him. He was holding her closely and she was utterly traumatized. Still, the moment she saw him, he became the center of her world as she went into mothering-mode and rushed to him. She bit back her own tears as she gently stroked his back. His father reached into his pocket to remove a pack of paper handkerchiefs. He gently wiped off Kurt’s face, before grabbing a bottle of water out of the truck, from behind its seat. He opened it and handed it to Kurt.
Carol asked, “Are you okay?”
Kurt shook his head. “The way - the way he died - too similar. Almost like - like mom.” Finally the dry heaves stopped and Kurt took a sip from the water bottle. He steadied his voice slightly, “Are you okay, Carole?”
“What? I - I’ll be fine.” She gave them a strained smile. “Luckily I have you two psychics to look out for me.” She gave a humorless laugh.
Kurt nodded. “He was going to rape you. He couldn’t quite decide what order to do things in. I - I manipulated him. It felt so wrong. It was wrong. But he was going to rape you. I had to give dad more time. How can someone wrong be right? But it was. And I’d do it again. I know I would; if I knew the victim. But it was just so utterly wrong at the same time. And then his death - mommy -” Kurt turned around so he could hug Carol, absentmindedly careful not to get any of the vomit on his clothes.
He heard his father mutter, “Oh, buddy -” before pulling both of them into a hug as well.
After a few moments, Carol asked, “You saw your mother’s death?”
Kurt nodded. “Through her eyes and I felt everything she felt.”
She inquired, “And you were only eight?”
Kurt nodded again.
“Oh, shit.”
They sat there a while, gathering comfort from each other, before Burt packed them all up in the car and they set off home. The next day they were scheduled to drive to Toledo. There would be more than enough time to discuss things there when they’d have Eliza to mediate and help them get over this. One thing was for certain, though, Kurt knew for certain now that Carol accepted him and his abilities completely. She believed in them and wanted nothing more than to comfort him as if he were her son. He could handle that. As a matter of fact, it was kind of nice. It was almost like having a mother again.
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