I need a little help. Or maybe just an opinion....

[rabbitron]

Ok, so I am writing this essay for the culinary school that I am trying to get into and I need an unbiased opinion about whether any of you out there in cyberland think this is good enough? It's supposed to be less than 1000 words, but I can only seem to bust out 444. I know that's a lot, but I was hoping to to make it to at least half of the

Comments

[dali_drama]

alright:
"I suppose you probably get sick of hearing this, but..."

starting out right from the gate self-deprecating is something you're going to want to cut out. you want to be taken seriously.

perhaps start with, "My entire life, the only thing I've ever truly wanted to do..." (please take out the "with myself" it rings of negativity).

the passion and excitement you display here is good. let them know what a good addition you will be for them.

in the past you've written here about cooking meals for your loved ones (making a good breakfast or whatever) share those stories/experiences with them, and how it made you feel.

i am however, a bit hesitant about whether or not you should divulge so much specific information about your past, yes, it's good to display who you are, it is important, but hard specifics should be saved for after you've gotten in. you've been through hard times, ok, say so, just don't dump a full on confession on them unless you feel you have to

[rabbitron]

I think when I wrote the whole "you probably get sick of hearing this" bit, I was just trying to convey thatg I know that they probably hear it a lot. Thank you for the opinion, I took your advice and have taken that out.

I think you are right about being too specific. I guess I was just going for the "sympathy vote." I think I will try to convey my level of dedication in another way.

oh, and by the way, you rawk! thanks a lot :D

[anoldbruise]

In direct response to the first sentence, you never want to self-deprecate. you want to sound like you are sure of yourself ad sure of the school, and sure of the reasons why the school needs you and why you need the school.

[dariajun]

I see many warning signs in this essay that will hurt your admission. I'd eliminate any negative statement, even those intended to make a positive statement about cooking, and just fill it with positives

[vomiit]

In the first paragraph you tend to cut off thoughts into short sentences, but i feel they'd be better if you elaborated on the thought or brought together two sentences into one long one.
in the second paragraph, i strongly believe that you should NOT tell them you had a meth addiction and have only been clean for a couple of years. They're more likely to not have sympathy for you. They'd probably instead rather hear what cooking ment to you as a child, what significance it had while you where growing up, how it brought you and your family together (and you can lie..) or friends. and the psychology of eating is always interesting. its ties to romanticism, and how it unites people, culturally and religiously. that kind of thing! :P i think its best to tell them want to hear. theyre looking for someone with determination and strength and will power to get themselves through the tough courses and give the school a good name in the process.

yeeeeeeah

thats all i got x_X

[wyndebreaker]

"i strongly believe that you should NOT tell them you had a meth addiction and have only been clean for a couple of years. They're more likely to not have sympathy for you."

I strongly agree. The positive impact of your having beaten it is going to be completely outweighed by the negative impact of your having gotten into it in the first place. You should be proud of yourself for it, but most admissions boards are not going to be able to relate at ALL. If they get a lot of applications, one with an obvious red flag like that are probably going straight into the circular file.

[uloixia]

1. Please to be using paragraph indents or at least an extra space between paragraphs. It makes it much more readable and much less "I threw up on a piece of paper

[razorblade_eyes]

I would eliminate all negative words such as "harsh world", "sick of hearing this", and take out the living on the streets and meth addiction part entirely.
Focus less on emotional revelations regarding your desire to become a chef and put more emphasis on what you would plan to do if given the opportunity to attend and graduate from this school. What are your future plans for this?
Remember that they only want to admit students who will eventually become successful PR for them later on. They probably care very little about how you, emotionally, feel about being a student there.