I need a little help. Or maybe just an opinion....
Ok, so I am writing this essay for the culinary school that I am trying to get into and I need an unbiased opinion about whether any of you out there in cyberland think this is good enough? It's supposed to be less than 1000 words, but I can only seem to bust out 444. I know that's a lot, but I was hoping to to make it to at least half of the
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2. Hurdle. Not hurtle.
3. Bad opening sentence, but you knew that. Start with the "the only thing I have ever ..."
4.Also, that first sentence has an oddity - ...myself was to be was an outstanding... you need to change that up.
5. Maybe combine some of your shorter sentences and elaborate a bit.
6. Food requires all your senses, so make use of that. You talk only of taste. What about presentation? Of the textures? Of the smell, and also the smell of the air as it picks up complex notes from a well seasoned dish. Or the blissful intake of air, letting it pass over the food in your mouth so you can savor the intricacies before you at last swallow it and let it pass to your eagerly awaiting stomach....
7. "I know how to make food taste good" a cocky, unfounded statement. So prove it, or at least tell a little on how you can do that, and then go into how you would like to expand that, etc.
8. Definitely delete the whole sentence about meth addiction. They're not going to want to know that. Shall we award entrance to the single mom with 2 kids, or the supposed clean meth addict? Yah. It's not an endearing fact that they need to know.
"I have spent most of my life on the streets, and I overcame that gigantic hurtle. I am looking forward to the next big step, the next improvement in my life. "
Also, your tense it improper, it should be "and I have overcome that gigantic hurdle"...
Hope this helps. :)
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