I need a little help. Or maybe just an opinion....

[rabbitron]

Ok, so I am writing this essay for the culinary school that I am trying to get into and I need an unbiased opinion about whether any of you out there in cyberland think this is good enough? It's supposed to be less than 1000 words, but I can only seem to bust out 444. I know that's a lot, but I was hoping to to make it to at least half of the

Comments

[dali_drama]

alright:
"I suppose you probably get sick of hearing this, but..."

starting out right from the gate self-deprecating is something you're going to want to cut out. you want to be taken seriously.

perhaps start with, "My entire life, the only thing I've ever truly wanted to do..." (please take out the "with myself" it rings of negativity).

the passion and excitement you display here is good. let them know what a good addition you will be for them.

in the past you've written here about cooking meals for your loved ones (making a good breakfast or whatever) share those stories/experiences with them, and how it made you feel.

i am however, a bit hesitant about whether or not you should divulge so much specific information about your past, yes, it's good to display who you are, it is important, but hard specifics should be saved for after you've gotten in. you've been through hard times, ok, say so, just don't dump a full on confession on them unless you feel you have to.

relax, and pretend you're talking to one of us, not someone holding a prize over your head, then put it into writing.

[rabbitron]

I think when I wrote the whole "you probably get sick of hearing this" bit, I was just trying to convey thatg I know that they probably hear it a lot. Thank you for the opinion, I took your advice and have taken that out.

I think you are right about being too specific. I guess I was just going for the "sympathy vote." I think I will try to convey my level of dedication in another way.

oh, and by the way, you rawk! thanks a lot :D

[anoldbruise]

In direct response to the first sentence, you never want to self-deprecate. you want to sound like you are sure of yourself ad sure of the school, and sure of the reasons why the school needs you and why you need the school.