I don't understand how I can do this. i don't know how i can feel good. it has already been such a struggle lately and then he drops this on me. i am so confused and hurt. i just hurt. i cant do anythig but hurt at this moment. i feel like crying over this, i am also crying over everything ive avoided thinking and feeling and crying about for the ( Read more... )

I don't know what just happened. I left the house feeling good about things, feeling a tinge of anxiety coming on and choosing to go do good things to fight it. But then I didn't do the right thing. I did the wrong thing, and now I am paying for it. I am back in my room trying really hard to shut the voice up in my head that is trying to let me ( Read more... )

I am more than happy for my roommates if they want to start hooking up. That's awesome. I would love to have great sex and companionship just a room away from me. But they can't  do it in the room next to me. They have to go to the other ones room in the back of the house. I can't take hearing their chats through the wall; it just makes me so sad ( Read more... )

My body used to be so strong. I am kind of disgusted with myself right now. I am happy with the way my body looks, but I am ashamed that I have stopped using it for much of anything besides sex. It's good for walking and running and dancing, and it likes these things and I like these things, but I don't do them. I am tired of making excuses. For ( Read more... )

I don't know why it's so hard for me to feel close to Cody when I'm here at school, but it is. When we talk on the phone it's hard for me to tell him what's been going on in my head and to talk about how scared I am about the status of our relationship right now. I feel so distant from him and I don't know how to fix it. I see things happening just ( Read more... )

 Last night, after making love and turning out the light, my eyes welled up with tears. I'm tired of holding it in. It is no longer a fun secret. It is becoming a heavy weight on my shoulders that I am carrying around. Something I should be proud of, but I am ashamed. I am too afraid to let it out. I am too afraid I will have to say it to silence ( Read more... )

 There are some things that just don't get let go of. I still get angry when I see a picture of nicole because I remember .....four years ago when tom asked me if I minded if she sent him naked pictures. So stupid, so long ago....but I still get filled with anger remembering the night he asked me that. Uh, yeah, of course I minded. And as soon as ( Read more... )

 So in love with this boy, but I just can't say it I get so nervous. I tell him in Arabic instead.

 It's only the third week. It's too early for me to be falling apart, but I'm already fighting to get out of bed. A week ago my attitude was completely different. It's already happening; it's only the third week and it's already happening. Fuck this place. I hate being here. I don't think any club I join or friends I make here is going to change ( Read more... )

and this ( Read more... )