I'm in a field where most other scholars don't even recognize me as one of their own.

Yet, neither do I think they're doing real philosophy.

I have the tendency to "split"--to think in black and white terms--as it concerns my interpersonal relationships. Is it a defense mechanism, or a result of emotional and intellectual laziness, when you label someone as "good" or "bad?" Perhaps it allows me to feel content with some of my relationships, letting me not think too hard about them, ( Read more... )

Will I ever be satisfied with my own work?
Why do I obsess over mistakes I've made when I can't change what has already been published?
It is like ritualistic masochism for me.

I'm trying my best.

Philosophy is hard.

I'm a bitch about what I consider to be "good" philosophy (i.e. phenomenology) due to all the sacrifices I've had to make in my life to pursue a career in philosophy.

I resent how institutionally inaccessible phenomenology was to me as a student. I'm not going to go easier on people who are unreflective in this discipline. It does a disservice to ( Read more... )

I managed to secure a (permanent? semi-permanent?) lecturership after a year of being a postdoc. The year before that was as an adjunct, which tested my will to continue on in academia. There is something demoralizing about teaching courses for a department and not knowing any of your colleagues because you're a mere adjunct. It was made very clear ( Read more... )

133.0

I now weigh 133 pounds.

I'm only 8 pounds away from my skinniest adult weight, ever.

And this time, without starving myself!

Oh, my students did ask me to give a presentation to their union on Marxism. It was overall well-attended. And the attendees seemed to like it a lot. It's really just the stuff like that that keeps me going at this point.

Maybe I could have gotten a job in academic philosophy if I studied "whiteness" or some other bullshit topic that has no rigorous philosophical grounding.

Academic philosophy is a decadent endeavor. The only consolation right now is that I'm teaching my students Marxism, at a job that exploits me and gladly accepts paying me 1-2% of their tuition ( Read more... )

Perfect, perfect rationality

Is, of course. the only thing for me!

How can I ever think of being

If I must live fallibly?

Rationality must be a perfect thing for me!