0127: The Transformation - Hermione Granger
Today I was trying to pick out a birthday card, and I came across one that said the following:
WHY I WORK
a short essay
I like food.
THE END
Yeah, that about sums it up.
TITLE: The Transformation
PERPETRATOR: Demetre Ironhilt (don't worry, that's not the name of the Sue)
SUE-O-METER:
(awful)
FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: starts off 'bushy', 'like thistles and pine needles', becomes 'straight and a beautiful golden brown color that reached my shoulders. It was smooth, nothing like it had been'
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: the heat of every boy at Hogwarts' loins.
ORIGIN: Some Hermione impersonator or other... Draco lures Hermione into a dungeon, promising her a makeover, and puts an evil spell on her to turn her into a Mary-Sue. At least in this case, the other characters have a bit of trouble accepting the imposter before her Sue Radiation finally gets to their brains.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Pretending to be Hermione. The male characters all want her and the female ones want to be her.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Making Draco talk in an accent that must be seen to be believed.
NOTES: The Sue Authors of the world should have to take Umbridge's quill and write one thousand times:
I Must Not Turn Hermione Into A Babe.
I Must Not Turn Hermione Into A Babe.
I Must Not Turn Hermione Into A Babe.
SAMPLE:
"Are you going to chew before you swallow that food, Ron?" I teased later that day at dinner.
"No," he replied, a mouth filled with food.
"You're disgusting."
"You know you love it."
I began to collect my things and head out the door.
"Where you going so early, Mione?" Harry asked.
"The library. To study."
The halls were dark, darker then usual. I looked around in confusion. The library was just around the corner, but something didn't feel right in the pit of my stomach. There was no one in the hall at all, not even a ghost.
A hand grabbed me by the collar and pulled me into an empty classroom. I started to scream in surprise.
"Don't scream," said a familiar voice.
"Let go of me, Malfoy," I commanded. He released me. "What was that for?"
"I have a proposition to make with you."
"Whatever, don't waste my time."
"Don't bother leaving, the door's locked."
I tapped my foot impatiently. "What is going on?"
"Sit down. sit down. Make yourself comfortable, this is a dungeon not a torture chamber," he said in a phony french accent.
"Now you're starting to scare me."
"Do not be afraid," he drawed out. He pulled the chair out and shoved underneath me so I was forced to sit down. "You want to be beautiful, right?" He continued the accent.
"What do you care?"
"I," his hand was on his chest as he pointed to himself, "can make you beautiful."
"Why would you do that?"
"Because... For reasons unknown. Don't worry about it. But I want you to be my project. There's only one thing zat I want in return."
"What?"
"Ze credit. But you do not have a choice anyway. Stand, lets see ze damage." He pulled me up by my arm and took a step back, putting his hand on his chin. "Hmm, zis may take while. But it is possible, contrary to what ze people think."
"Hey-" I interjected.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up! Do not interupt, ze master." He fell into silence. I stood uncomfortably. "Aha!"
I jumped and he pulled out his wand. "We will start, with ze eyebrows. Ze are enormous, like a wildabeast." He spat. " Filthy animals..."
With the muttering of several words, a irridescant light shot out of his wand, wich soon turned into a thick glue.
"What is that stuff?" I asked, as an unpleasant scent filled my nostrils.
"Shh. Now sit." He took my head with his hand, tilting my head to the appropriate angles. His wand came extremely close to my face, more importantly, my eyebrows. The substance sqeezed out cleanly over several parts of my eyebrows. He stopped, muttered some more words and before I knew it an excruciating burning sensation was on my face. I kept quiet as my eyes watered.
The glue disapeared. He moved onto my hair. He flipped it up several times.
"What is Zis? Flat, limp, unhealthy, burnt, like twigs!" He spat again. "I hate nature..."
I stared at him skeptically. Had he gone crazy? Was this some sort of ploy to make me look even worse then I already did? Then I realized that that would be even too difficult for Malfoy to manage. I resumed to letting him continue.
He worked for three hours. At one point he pulled out a muggle makeup kit and I had to stop myself from laughing out loud. He applied everything, even things I didn't even know existed. I lost all feeling in my legs.
"Are you done yet?" I asked impatiently.
"Almost," he said as he laughed maliciously. "Now stand!"
With a loud grunt I stood up.
"Zese clothes, will just not work!"
"But they're standard uniform!" I complained.
"No, not on weekends."
"But its tradition..."
"Now look," he convinced. "I'm positive zat when zey planned ze uniforms, zey did not want you to look lik- zis. A little clothing change will be no- thing." He waved his wand for the final time. My clothes formulated into something else, but the light was too dim for me too see. I wondered how he could work in that position.
"Finito! I am ze genius!"
He tugged me over to a full length mirror he must have set up before hand.
Mirrors are not evil. Mirrors are lovely! My eyes grew wide in shock at the sight, I looked nothing at all like before. My hair was straight and a beautiful golden brown color that reached my shoulders. It was smooth, nothing like it had been. He apparently applied some eye makeup that made them stand out more. There was some black eyeliner, mascara that made my eyelashes stand out a mile, and a light blue shadow on my lids. I had on a pale lip stick, and other neccessary facial elements. The outfit he had chosen made me feel extremely feminine and worthy, somehow. I wore a light blue, silky skirt that went down to my knees and a tight white, spaghetti strap blouse that was slightly low cut. And goodbye Mary Janes, hello white, strappy heals.
"This is... wonderful," I exclaimed.
He finally dropped the accent. " I know, I've had it in my mind for a while now."
"How did you do this?"
"Magic, of course," he said simply. " Here are some notes." He handed me a piece of parchment a foot long.
"Thank you so much!" I engulfed him in a hug.
"Excuse me, but the little happy moment is over. I have places to be," he said snobbishly. He left the room. I laughed out loud, finally. This was the most ironic thing that has happened to me in quite a while.
I left the class room as well, dodging students throughout the busy halls as I tried to make it back to the common room. I must admit, there were more than several pairs of eyes watching me as I went.
"Password," the fa lady in the painting asked.
"Kuvilda radilda," I answered hurriedly.
"Are you sure that you're in Gryffindor?" she questioned with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah," I said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Its me, Hermione."
"Sure," she whispered, as she swung open.
WHY I WORK
a short essay
I like food.
THE END
Yeah, that about sums it up.
TITLE: The Transformation
PERPETRATOR: Demetre Ironhilt (don't worry, that's not the name of the Sue)
SUE-O-METER:
(awful)
FULL NAME: Hermione Granger
SPECIES: Human/Witch
HAIR: starts off 'bushy', 'like thistles and pine needles', becomes 'straight and a beautiful golden brown color that reached my shoulders. It was smooth, nothing like it had been'
EYES: not described
MARKINGS: none mentioned
POSESSIONS: the heat of every boy at Hogwarts' loins.
ORIGIN: Some Hermione impersonator or other... Draco lures Hermione into a dungeon, promising her a makeover, and puts an evil spell on her to turn her into a Mary-Sue. At least in this case, the other characters have a bit of trouble accepting the imposter before her Sue Radiation finally gets to their brains.
CONNECTIONS TO CANON: Pretending to be Hermione. The male characters all want her and the female ones want to be her.
SPECIAL ABILITIES: Making Draco talk in an accent that must be seen to be believed.
NOTES: The Sue Authors of the world should have to take Umbridge's quill and write one thousand times:
I Must Not Turn Hermione Into A Babe.
I Must Not Turn Hermione Into A Babe.
I Must Not Turn Hermione Into A Babe.
SAMPLE:
"Are you going to chew before you swallow that food, Ron?" I teased later that day at dinner.
"No," he replied, a mouth filled with food.
"You're disgusting."
"You know you love it."
I began to collect my things and head out the door.
"Where you going so early, Mione?" Harry asked.
"The library. To study."
The halls were dark, darker then usual. I looked around in confusion. The library was just around the corner, but something didn't feel right in the pit of my stomach. There was no one in the hall at all, not even a ghost.
A hand grabbed me by the collar and pulled me into an empty classroom. I started to scream in surprise.
"Don't scream," said a familiar voice.
"Let go of me, Malfoy," I commanded. He released me. "What was that for?"
"I have a proposition to make with you."
"Whatever, don't waste my time."
"Don't bother leaving, the door's locked."
I tapped my foot impatiently. "What is going on?"
"Sit down. sit down. Make yourself comfortable, this is a dungeon not a torture chamber," he said in a phony french accent.
"Now you're starting to scare me."
"Do not be afraid," he drawed out. He pulled the chair out and shoved underneath me so I was forced to sit down. "You want to be beautiful, right?" He continued the accent.
"What do you care?"
"I," his hand was on his chest as he pointed to himself, "can make you beautiful."
"Why would you do that?"
"Because... For reasons unknown. Don't worry about it. But I want you to be my project. There's only one thing zat I want in return."
"What?"
"Ze credit. But you do not have a choice anyway. Stand, lets see ze damage." He pulled me up by my arm and took a step back, putting his hand on his chin. "Hmm, zis may take while. But it is possible, contrary to what ze people think."
"Hey-" I interjected.
"Shut up, shut up, shut up! Do not interupt, ze master." He fell into silence. I stood uncomfortably. "Aha!"
I jumped and he pulled out his wand. "We will start, with ze eyebrows. Ze are enormous, like a wildabeast." He spat. " Filthy animals..."
With the muttering of several words, a irridescant light shot out of his wand, wich soon turned into a thick glue.
"What is that stuff?" I asked, as an unpleasant scent filled my nostrils.
"Shh. Now sit." He took my head with his hand, tilting my head to the appropriate angles. His wand came extremely close to my face, more importantly, my eyebrows. The substance sqeezed out cleanly over several parts of my eyebrows. He stopped, muttered some more words and before I knew it an excruciating burning sensation was on my face. I kept quiet as my eyes watered.
The glue disapeared. He moved onto my hair. He flipped it up several times.
"What is Zis? Flat, limp, unhealthy, burnt, like twigs!" He spat again. "I hate nature..."
I stared at him skeptically. Had he gone crazy? Was this some sort of ploy to make me look even worse then I already did? Then I realized that that would be even too difficult for Malfoy to manage. I resumed to letting him continue.
He worked for three hours. At one point he pulled out a muggle makeup kit and I had to stop myself from laughing out loud. He applied everything, even things I didn't even know existed. I lost all feeling in my legs.
"Are you done yet?" I asked impatiently.
"Almost," he said as he laughed maliciously. "Now stand!"
With a loud grunt I stood up.
"Zese clothes, will just not work!"
"But they're standard uniform!" I complained.
"No, not on weekends."
"But its tradition..."
"Now look," he convinced. "I'm positive zat when zey planned ze uniforms, zey did not want you to look lik- zis. A little clothing change will be no- thing." He waved his wand for the final time. My clothes formulated into something else, but the light was too dim for me too see. I wondered how he could work in that position.
"Finito! I am ze genius!"
He tugged me over to a full length mirror he must have set up before hand.
Mirrors are not evil. Mirrors are lovely! My eyes grew wide in shock at the sight, I looked nothing at all like before. My hair was straight and a beautiful golden brown color that reached my shoulders. It was smooth, nothing like it had been. He apparently applied some eye makeup that made them stand out more. There was some black eyeliner, mascara that made my eyelashes stand out a mile, and a light blue shadow on my lids. I had on a pale lip stick, and other neccessary facial elements. The outfit he had chosen made me feel extremely feminine and worthy, somehow. I wore a light blue, silky skirt that went down to my knees and a tight white, spaghetti strap blouse that was slightly low cut. And goodbye Mary Janes, hello white, strappy heals.
"This is... wonderful," I exclaimed.
He finally dropped the accent. " I know, I've had it in my mind for a while now."
"How did you do this?"
"Magic, of course," he said simply. " Here are some notes." He handed me a piece of parchment a foot long.
"Thank you so much!" I engulfed him in a hug.
"Excuse me, but the little happy moment is over. I have places to be," he said snobbishly. He left the room. I laughed out loud, finally. This was the most ironic thing that has happened to me in quite a while.
I left the class room as well, dodging students throughout the busy halls as I tried to make it back to the common room. I must admit, there were more than several pairs of eyes watching me as I went.
"Password," the fa lady in the painting asked.
"Kuvilda radilda," I answered hurriedly.
"Are you sure that you're in Gryffindor?" she questioned with a raised eyebrow.
"Yeah," I said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. "Its me, Hermione."
"Sure," she whispered, as she swung open.