LJ Idol Week 7, in which I summon the spirit of the Honey Badger

[porn_this_way]

Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury. Let it be stated for the record that I, [insert all eleventy billion of my online aliases here], do freely, willingly, and with perhaps a bit too much glee, hereby refuse to give a shit about any of the following things.

- Guilt trip "awareness" facebook status updates. You know the ones. "Today is Marauding

Comments

[zephyrly]

Have you ever watched Conspiracy Theory with Jesse Ventura? (Although it should be called Standing Outside of Fences and Yelling with Jesse Ventura.) It's seriously the most amazing show that's ever been on television.

Here is a synopsis of nearly every episode: Let's address some goofy conspiracy theory in Area 51's breakfast nook. Then there's some dramatic music. Sometimes, Alex Jones shows up in some dark alley, and they let him ramble on. More dramatic music. Then Jesse Ventura goes somewhere and stands outside while yelling about being governor. This part is most of the show. Then there's some really loud, distracting dramatic music. They talk to some dude in a white van, and then Jesse Ventura's like "IS THIS A CONSPIRACY? THIS CONCERNED CITIZEN SAYS YES!" because Jesse Ventura's inside voice is caps-lock.

There's quite a few full episodes on YouTube the last time I checked. Pure comedy gold.

[porn_this_way]

OMG NO! I have not seen this, but obviously that needs to be corrected post haste! Is this Jesse "The Body" Ventura? (I am assuming yes unless there's another Jesse Ventura that's been governor, but this just sounds too hilariously good to be true).

[zephyrly]

Yes, it's that Jesse Ventura.

I officially became obsessed with Jesse Ventura after he was on Coast to Coast AM a few years ago. I was listening but not paying close attention (I think I was knitting at the time), and I suddenly heard him say "IT'S LIKE WHEN I GO TO THE SUPERMARKET AND I GO TO THE SOFT DRINK DEPARTMENT." I have no idea what the hell he was talking about or the context of THE SOFT DRINK DEPARTMENT, but it was just about the funniest thing I had ever heard.

The best part of this episode is whenever the DARPA guy is with them in the hotel. Well, I should probably say that before this, the Jesse Ventura team had bought a time machine off of the internet. Then the DARPA guy tells them that it's too dangerous to use, then instead offers to teach them how to "time travel" with their "minds". Then Jesse Ventura is all pissed off and says "THIS ISN'T TIME TRAVEL! THIS IS DAYDREAMING!"

Like I said, comedy gold.

[porn_this_way]

Government weather control? Oh dear. Somehow I've managed to not hear of these, so I'm going to go ask Dr. Google.

Okay, googled it. My first reaction was to be utterly intrigued by the science itself, which is probably bad. My second reaction was to be all like "well damn, people on FB have been posting some painfully sub-par conspiracy theories!"

I'm gonna need to dig around a little more on this particular theory before I'm in any sort of position to have an opinion on it at all. What's your take on it?

[porn_this_way]

I didn't even get to the mind control chemical stuff! Yeah, that sounds a little *too* X-Files. I know, never say never, but some of this stuff I can't help but think - if there was any evidence that wasn't total bunk AND if it was legit leaked, why has this not gone viral? Or maybe I'm just looking at it from the entirely wrong angle.

What I pulled up a minute ago was just weather control technology in general that was apparently being kept top secret. Hence the "OMG SHINY SCIENCE" as opposed to the healthy doses of government-inspired paranoia. I doubt they've perfected it as well, but it doesn't seem to far past the realm of possibility that someone (government or otherwise) has started developing stuff like that and had some success. Not necessarily for making, like, poison rainclouds of mind control doom, but general weather stuff...okay, sure. Though you've got a damn good point about anyone who actually wanted to get that (or any) shit done efficiently and within the next century would prob'ly go private.

[kathrynrose]

I can not drink beverages when I read your rants. Why do I not remember this? Adam's middle finger nearly choked me to death.

Take that any way you want to.

BRAVA!!

[porn_this_way]

Hahaha WELL, sounds like Adam got some excitement! :P

Thank ya much, my fellow soapbox dwelling Idoler. Glad I was able to amuse, and dear lord I feel SO MUCH BETTER after getting some of this bile out of my system!

[tatdatcm]

AMEN! I feel like I should be marching around with a picket sign for all of Facebook to see. :)

[porn_this_way]

Oh yes, there we go! "Spam is not healthy for children and other living things." This could be fun.

Thanks so much for the comment, and glad you enjoyed!

[mari4212]

Knowing you, I would think you'd have been more likely to vote for Obama if it turned out that he was created using mutated Godzilla stem cells.

As a devout Christian, I find most of those "God has a plan for you/God agrees only with my political views" posts just as obnoxious as you do. If for nothing else, we have free will which means that we can play merry havoc with any plan God actually does have for us. The Bible is full of examples of that.

[porn_this_way]

Knowing you, I would think you'd have been more likely to vote for Obama if it turned out that he was created using mutated Godzilla stem cells.

DAMN, you make a valid point!! Hmmm. I wonder if Godzilla counts as a weapon of mass destruction? (Clearly this is a highly important scientific question).

It's really good to hear you say that about the "God voted for my political candidate, and He told me flame your facebook!" posts. Not that you've ever been remotely the type to run around posting self-righteous shit in the first place, but it's still a breath of fresh air to hear a sane, down-to-earth Christian call that crapola out. I think it's just a classic (yet extremely unfortunate) case of the idiots\jerks in any particular demographic being the ones who make a bunch of noise and give the whole group a bad name.

[mari4212]

The main question of course is whether the people holding on to Godzilla have any resources we want, and if we think they won't put up too much of a fight. If so, yes Godzilla is a weapon of mass destruction and we must destroy him immediately! If no, then Godzilla is just proof that evolution is another lie made up by those evil commie God-hating scientists.

I'm paraphrasing another sane Christian here, but if you think God votes for your personal political party, that's idolotry. You are creating a god in your own image to worship. Idols aren't always made of gold in the shape of baby cows, as amusing as the image is.

And as a five-year-old kid in my church once pointed out, God is a whole lot bigger than our boxes.