(Untitled)

[liadlaith]

Title: Fragment
Theme: Glass
Wordcount: 1,193

Comments

[hecticred]

I know it's got to stay under 1500, words, but I really think the ending is too abrupt. I think you need to draw out the atomosphere of dread that comes with her Reflection threatening her. Also, how does cutting her cheek cause the relfection to die. I found that last 'fight' scene generally a bit speedy and incoherent.

What's the relevance of the lack of damage to her face in the childhood accident? that was a bit cryptic

I think Lucky's speech works quite well. The incoherence is slightly scary, and that is appropriate.

[liadlaith]

When Lizzie cuts her face, she's making a purposeful statement that this is her face and she's the only one who can damage or protect it. She's reclaiming it.

Which kind of ties into the childhood accident. The reflection (who I've been calling Beth in my head) protects Lizzie's face because she doesn't want to be damaged by the fall. It's also meant to foreshadow Beth's ability to control the physical world.

Any idea how I could get that across better?

I don't know how I could draw out the dread without making it too repetitive.

[siffa]

I enjoyed this, but had to read it twice to fully understand the ending. I originally thought that the reflection was Lizzie's true reflection, and that something was wrong with her for not recognising it.

Now, I'm somewhat dissatisfied with it because I want to know the backstory - where Beth comes from, and why. I really like the central idea, though, and the idea she can bury the reflection with other characters. I think it begins really well, but would like the ending a little more drawn out, so that Lizzie's realisation of the power she has to destroy the reflection is made more slowly, or in more detail.

[liadlaith]

Personally, I don't think Lizzie was quite right in the head. No one else notices Beth. When Lizzie kills Beth, it's almost like getting over a phobia or something similarly all-in-the-head.

Yeah, it would seem that I need to draw out the ending. I shall work on that : )

Thanks for reading!

[minnow_53]

I took this, rightly or wrongly, to be about identity, and the falsity of the projected image, or persona. There are also some hints of multiple personalities -- always a fascinating subject.

I felt that, at the end, the narrator could have destroyed her image more radically. Actually, the fact that she only makes two almost tentative lines implies to me that at some level she is becoming reconciled to aspects of herself she hated before.

The lack of damage to her face in the accident implies a lack of trauma, though of course as her face isn't her, that may be just to that personality... You could really extend this, I think, and bring in more differentiation between the various aspects you mention, beyond the fictional characters she assumes to fool the girl in the mirror.

^_^xx

[liadlaith]

Excellent interpretation. To be honest, I'm not sure what this is really "about", I just wrote a mildly creepy story. Whatever you read into it (as long as it's not some freaky conspiracy theory) is fine by me.

I like your suggestion about destroying her face more. At one point I was going to have her walk through plate-glass, but I scrapped it as being overly dramatic. However, I can certainly try to do that.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean about the "lack of trauma". And I'd like to add more differentiation between the two personalities, but I have a 1500 word limit to stick to, so that may be a little difficult.

[minnow_53]

Oh, right. Well, often breaking a bone can be pretty traumatic and cause a lot of psychological problems, even in reasonably balanced people. But the narrator's neuroses are centred round her face, her image, and if that's undamaged it seems to mean that she won't be psychically scarred by the fracture. BUT it also seems that she had some other bad experience when she was eight, which is when the image problem started.

Well, you have a limit, but it's an imposed one: you could carry it on for yourself, and/or post it as an extra, outside the limit. I think there's plenty of differentiation for what you're doing. I just like split personality stories! :D You know, the more the merrier. Sorry if that's in really bad taste... :( I did like this a lot, just as it stands, and found it fascinating, as you can see!

^_^xx

[liadlaith]

Honey, I have a "Jesus loves a whore" icon - bad taste is brilliant.

You know, this whole thing was based off something that happened to me. At about eight or ten I remember standing in front of the mirror, and my reflection not completely matching my idea of myself in my head. I recognise myself now, and of course, my reflection never started talking to me : )

Anyway, thanks for the crit, I'll take it on board.

[kabeyk]

Yes, I love it, bee-atch. I have nothing useful to say, as usual, because I am continually in awe of your short stories. Soz.

Much love.x

kxx

[liadlaith]

Hee! Thanks anyway : )

...

[lesslucid]

I like the idea but there's something about the execution that distracts me. I think partly it's the shifts in focus and the shifts in time... we miss years, we miss the details of certain apparently vital encounters, but we know about the specifics of her north-south intercity train ride. I guess the other thing I'm not sure about is how the... relation between the literal and metaphorical is handled. That is, the story starts out as though it were about an "alien reflection" as a metaphorical look at how young girls deal with self-image problems, and then it turns into a kind of, well, horror story, I guess, in the vein of Poe's "The Double" (is that what it's called?) in which the reflection literally is an alien. But the... argh, not quite sure how to say this, but because the reader has had this kind of switch pulled on them then it sort of loses the symbolic level of the relation in the latter part because they've been told that it's not a metaphor, it's literal, so the metaphor is kind of denied. I'm just wondering if the idea

Re: ...

[liadlaith]

And how difficult was it for you write all that? ; )

Okay, tackling your crit:

1. Which vital encounters are we missing details of? You mean the fall off the play equipment? And how would you suggest I better mark the passage of time? I kind of have to concertina this, as I've a word limit of 1500.

2. Yeah, I see what you mean about the metaphorical/literal stuff. I think if I expand upon the fall from the play equipment, and the subsequent interaction between Beth and Lizzie, then that ought to solve the problem.

3. If I expand on the fall off the play equipment, that should clear up exactly how they can interact.

Thanks for reading and critiquing : )