Comments | poncywriters: (без темы)

liadlaith in poncywriters

(Untitled)

Jul 18, 2005 16:43

Title: Fragment
Theme: Glass
Wordcount: 1,193

( I drowned her in the mannerisms and expressions of another character. )

liadlaith, glass

Comments 15

puddlesofun July 26 2005, 03:25:15 UTC

That's awesome, and I think submitting it is a good idea. I think it could be better though, somehow. But I don't know how. Sorry, that's not very helpful, is it?

Let's see...

*I like the pacing of it; the way it skips over years but focuses on individual moments. It keeps an immediacy and personal feel that would be lost with too much "and in the intervening years I did such and such blah".
*I like the interaction between Lizzie and her reflection.
*I loved the conclusion.

Oh, fuck, I don't know. Seems like it's all good, so apparently you should make the good bits even better. I'm sorry, I'm not being very helpful. The setup at this internet Cafe is hurting my wrists, and I need to go to work.

Oh, maybe the end could be stretched slightly, not in events but in descriptions? Or emotions? Maybe Lizzie could chuck a Bruce Lee and taste her own blood before declaring her victory? Or at least put her hand up to feel the wounds.