(Untitled)

[liadlaith]

Title: Fragment
Theme: Glass
Wordcount: 1,193

Comments

...

[lesslucid]

I like the idea but there's something about the execution that distracts me. I think partly it's the shifts in focus and the shifts in time... we miss years, we miss the details of certain apparently vital encounters, but we know about the specifics of her north-south intercity train ride. I guess the other thing I'm not sure about is how the... relation between the literal and metaphorical is handled. That is, the story starts out as though it were about an "alien reflection" as a metaphorical look at how young girls deal with self-image problems, and then it turns into a kind of, well, horror story, I guess, in the vein of Poe's "The Double" (is that what it's called?) in which the reflection literally is an alien. But the... argh, not quite sure how to say this, but because the reader has had this kind of switch pulled on them then it sort of loses the symbolic level of the relation in the latter part because they've been told that it's not a metaphor, it's literal, so the metaphor is kind of denied. I'm just wondering if the idea of an alien reflection could be handled in a way that is more obvious from the start... that is, instead of announcing it near the end and the having the confrontation soon after, you could give progressively stronger hints through the whole thing that the reflection really is different from her... I'm not sure. The last thing is kind of a comic-book-guy style quibble, but, how does the reflection have the power to make her grab a pair of scissors? I'm not sure the "rules" governing their interaction are that important but I guess I would like it better if there was some introduction to the ways in which they could interact that was earlier... perhaps before they start trying to kill each other. Anyway, I like the idea, I think generally the writing and the style is strong, and you should take it as a good sign that all I've really got to talk about is the plotting. ;)

Re: ...

[liadlaith]

And how difficult was it for you write all that? ; )

Okay, tackling your crit:

1. Which vital encounters are we missing details of? You mean the fall off the play equipment? And how would you suggest I better mark the passage of time? I kind of have to concertina this, as I've a word limit of 1500.

2. Yeah, I see what you mean about the metaphorical/literal stuff. I think if I expand upon the fall from the play equipment, and the subsequent interaction between Beth and Lizzie, then that ought to solve the problem.

3. If I expand on the fall off the play equipment, that should clear up exactly how they can interact.

Thanks for reading and critiquing : )