shh.listen.

[phoenix_moth]

 I've been drifting in and out of sleep because my head hurts so much.
A while ago I blinked awake in the middle of Atreyu: Lip Gloss and Black and I felt this soft twinge like something depressing had just happened, but I fell asleep again somewhere in the middle of my favorite part of the song.
I woke up again when it ended and looked at the IMs

Comments

Hypocrasy (if that's how you spell it)

[divingforstars]

My mother always told me never to lie, and that I could tell her everything.

So one day when I was 14 I thought I would.

It's odd how she didn't want to hear it or believe it, and now she wants me to tell people it never happened.

Do as I say not do as I do?

Parents always seem to fail us when we need them most, don't they?

Re: Hypocrasy (if that's how you spell it)

[phoenix_moth]

MY MOM SAID THOSE WORDS IN THE CAR TODAY. About something else, though.
I can't say my mother failed me. I never expected my mother to save me or protect me from anything because I've always protected her. I've always cared for her. She cares for me, but as scared and irresponsible and childish as I am, I would do better on my own emotionally and mentally than she would.
My mother is a child, and what children don't want to remember, they don't.

Like I told her, "I think you forgot because you just don't want to believe your little brother would do that kind of thing".

I hope it doesn't scar you forever, or at least, that the scar doesn't always prove to be a brand- I hope someday it becomes a nifty tattoo for you instead.
A story to tell.
A memory that, while sour, is still part of you and therefore important.
You know?

[jess_williams]

I had a similar incident. Told my mother about it, she made up excuses, then when I brought it up a couple years later she had no idea what the hell I was talking about. It made me SO mad.

I'm sorry about what happened to you. :(

[phoenix_moth]

I could never say I'm as damaged as a lot of people who have gone through the same or worse, so I can't honestly accept your apology because I don't believe I deserve it.
Mostly, I think it just...really confused me. Every time a boy ever touched me like that it was like I was thrown deeper and deeper into a soft, quiet, dark confusion that sometimes makes me angry, sometimes makes me cry, but more often than not just leaves me laying quietly in the dark mouthing lyrics to songs that have nothing to do with sex or molestation.

I will say that you reading and responding to this is something that I appreciate, and I wish your mother would remember so that you can forget (or at least...come to complete terms), because doing it alone isn't really the way to go.

I love your writing and I love you, even if only because you exist.

[jess_williams]

I'm in the same position, so I know what you mean. My incident was weird. My mother's ex and I always used to wrestle when I was younger, and he would always touch me in uncomfortable places, thinking I wouldn't notice because we were wrestling. But I did notice, and I did freak out every time we started wrestling after the first time I picked up on it. It got out to a teacher (she overheard a phone conversation I was having), and once the teacher brought it up to my mother at Parent/Teacher conferences my mother had a FIT. She thought I was lying to get out of trouble for not turning homework in

[phoenix_moth]

Weird sometimes how women can be so in denial of things...

Oh, I love to pay attention when I'm able to focus well enough.

[phoenix_moth]

I wish you did.

[phoenix_moth]

Aha.
Not quite how I meant it, but I love your love.