Boundaries - Part 4
Title: Boundaries (part four)
Pairing: Junjin/Andy, JinDy
Genre: Bordeline Angst, Drama, Fluff, Friendship, Romance
Warnings: Coarse language
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He wonders when the line between what is forbidden and what is not became so blurred that he can no longer tell the difference. The difference between loving this man in front of him as his brother ... or something much much more.
Notes: After a long break - you can thank Uni for that - back with a new update :'D This chap is more of a filler, but a necessary one. But it involves ShinDorks, so yay? :D
Previous: Part Three
BOUNDARIES - PART 4
If Junjin were to ever experience the phenomenon of time stopping so vividly in his life, it is probably happening right now. The only problem, though, is that time starts up again - and he is not ready to face what comes next. In fact, he does not think he will ever be ready.
‘... Jin ... do ... you like me...?’
It sounds like a bad line out of some bad romance flick, but it is real and this is real and Andy - Andy, oh God, no - is more real than anything else in this moment. Were Junjin in his right mind, he would wish to wipe all of it out of existence, because nothing can ever be the same again.
Nothing. Not ever.
He can see this truth reflected in Andy’s wide eyes, the kaleidoscope of conflicting emotions, the irreparably shattered image of Park Choongjae in Lee Sunho’s eyes ... Junjin sees everything in Andy’s eyes in those few moments and he knows he will regret this for the rest of his life.
Andy is the one who breaks the frozen moment. He repeats Junjin’s name, his eyes still full of overwhelming shock and dawning realisation, and he hesitantly reaches up and lightly touches Junjin’s hand, which is still cupping his cheek.
The brush of Andy’s palm against his fingers is what finally drives the senses back into Junjin. Andy’s skin suddenly feels like hellfire to his touch and he can no longer breathe, too aware of the length of Andy’s warm body still pressed flush against his. He pulls his arms off Andy with a suddenness that stuns the other man even, and next thing he knows, he is standing five feet away from him.
Junjin looks down at the floor, breathing raggedly. The events of the past few minutes are burnt into his mind and - even through all the chaos and turmoil - he realises that there is no going back. There is no fixing this. He has ruined everything.
He can almost see the metaphorical bridge between him and Lee Sunho burning, leaving them on opposite banks with a fathomless impassable void between them.
Andy ... he will never see Junjin as his brother again. He will never look at Junjin with those warm eyes again.
They will never be the same.
Andy takes a step forward, his soft tenor voice carrying Junjin’s name once more, but the latter does not look up. He recoils, head lowered, then takes another step back and then another -
‘Choongjae...’
Junjin turns to leave the room.
He leaves before he is forced to see the look of disgust on Andy’s face. The eyes filled with revulsion.
Hatred.
He almost runs out of the door, heart pounding.
Behind him is nothing but silence.
~***~
His phone rings for the twenty seventh time that night. Junjin watches it light up and vibrate on his bedside table with distant eyes. He has been having thoughts of just switching the damn thing off after the ninth call, but that feat requires him to actually get up from the bed, where he has been lying sprawled for the past three hours. He still does not particularly feel like getting out of his sloth-mode.
The phone keeps ringing for half a minute before the screen goes black again. Junjin looks away. He has seen the caller ID picture: Eric. In fact, out of the twenty seven missed calls, six of them were from Eric. The moment Eric, of all people, started to call him, Junjin had realised just how deep in shit he is right now, but that had not motivated him to answer the leader. He has not answered anyone, not even Hyesung who has called eighteen times. (This is one of those times Junjin truly appreciates certain hyungs like Minwoo and Dongwan. They know how to let it go after a couple of calls only.)
His phone rings again and Junjin casts one glance - Hyesung, again - before looking away once more. He knows why those two keep calling. He had run into them when he fled the practice room that afternoon - apparently, Eric and Hyesung had stuck around outside, anxious, in case something happened between Junjin and Andy. Junjin snorts to himself. Oh, something had happened all right. And now that something may be spelling the end of their friendship.
He cringes at the thought. It is that fear that has been haunting him all evening. He cannot undo what he did, but ... he cannot see how he can fix things either. His loss of control around Andy has resulted in irreparable damage.
And what about Shinhwa? Junjin squeezes his eyes shut, feeling like he is being suffocated. This thought, above anything else, is the most torturous. It has been eating away at him, choking him with remorse and self-reproach. He has not only broken things down between himself and Andy, but this is going to affect Shinhwa too. He wonders how they can be normal - or even pretend to be normal again - when the relationship between the group’s youngest two is on tenterhooks.
(Or maybe, there is just no relationship now. The thought makes his blood run cold.)
He had earlier tried to comfort himself with the thought that he and Andy have always been said to be awkward together anyway. A bit more ice between them will not be much of a change.
Oh, but who is he kidding? Junjin mentally beats himself up. Of course this is not OK. Nothing about this is OK.
He runs a hand over his face, feeling weary and drained. What am I going to do?
The phone rings again. Junjin groans and finally gives up. He is going to rip the batteries out of that thing. He rolls over and snatches it up, about to pop it open, but then stops dead.
Andy.
Junjin’s mouth goes dry. Andy is the only one who has not tried to contact him at all. He has not even hoped that Andy would call him.
He lets it ring, still frozen, until the call ends. He remains as he is until it starts ringing again, and still, Junjin does not answer. He cannot.
He only reacts when, after several seconds, his phone buzzes, announcing a new text. Junjin’s fingers tighten around his phone, afraid to look. Holding his breath without quite realising it, he finally clicks it open and stares wordlessly at the message:
Can we talk tomorrow? In private.
He switches his phone off, his mind blank.
~***~
The next day, Junjin is the first one to show up for their tour rehearsals. A rare occurrence, but he had had trouble sleeping and, with nothing better to do in the early morning, Junjin had figured he might as well just go.
He is bent over his bag, rifling through the items in search of his socks when the next member shows up. Minwoo slaps his butt on his way past as a way of morning greeting. ‘Yo. Got your act together finally, then?’
Junjin jumps a little. He curses his jittery feelings before looking round to smile at Minwoo. ‘Morning to you too, hyung. And yeah ... I guess.’
Minwoo crocks an eyebrow as he dumps his backpack and other belongings by the wall. ‘Really? Cleared up whatever was bothering you yesterday?’
Junjin winces guiltily. He realises how much he must have worried not only Eric and Hyesung, but Minwoo and Dongwan too, what with how he acted during practice yesterday. He apologises earnestly and Minwoo waves it away light-heartedly.
‘As long as your health is good and you’re feeling fine, that’s OK. Also ...’ Minwoo gives him a gentle look as he does up his shoelaces. ‘If you want to, you know you can always talk to me, right?’
Junjin nods, smiling, and on impulse just walks over and envelopes the short man in a hug. Minwoo laughs indulgently and playfully hugs him back. They break apart when the practice room door opens and Minwoo immediately perks up.
‘Hyesungie, Andy~! Group hug, anyone?’
‘You wanna die?’
Minwoo bursts out laughing. ‘Aw, Pilkyo hasn’t had his morning coffee yet, eh? I’ll make sure to stay far away from you,’ he teases their lead singer as he lets go of Junjin, not seeming to have noticed how tense his dongsaeng has suddenly become. Junjin stiffly turns back to his bag, trying not to think about the fourth person in the room with them.
‘Shut up,’ grunts Hyesung at Minwoo as he collapses against the wall. ‘I barely had three hours’ sleep last night.’
‘...You got lucky?’
Hyesung colours red with embarrassment and he immediately throws a shoe at Minwoo’s laughing face. ‘Get your mind out of the gutter, you ass! No, it’s just that Eric -’
‘Oh, so you got lucky with Eric last night, eh,’ Minwoo cracks up.
There is silence for a split second. Next thing anyone knows, Hyesung is making a strangled noise at the back of his throat before leaping to his feet and taking off after Minwoo.
Junjin looks around bemusedly at this rare side of Hyesung and the childlike Minwoo (currently taunting his chaser with his nimbleness) only to be met with the sight of Andy looking directly at him from across the room.
Junjin does not know how to react. He almost turns his back on the younger again, but something in the other man’s eyes hold him there. He cannot point out exactly what it is, but - it just might be his fear talking - there is something almost judgemental in the way Andy is staring at him right now.
And why wouldn’t he judge him, really? Junjin feels his heart grow heavy with shame. Andy does not deserve any of the burdens Junjin has put on him.
Minwoo and Hyesung whiz past his eyes again (‘When will you grow up, you effin idjit!’ ‘When you bust out some actual abs, Water-ssi~!’) and Junjin takes the chance to break eye contact. He is turning back to his bag again when he sees Andy move towards him out of the corner of his eyes. He stops dead, one hand extended towards his backpack, and feels rather than see Andy quietly walking up to him, deftly avoiding their overzealous hyungs on the way. The younger man halts right behind him and it takes all his effort for Junjin not to have a mental breakdown right then and there.
What the hell is supposed to say? Do?
‘Choongjae...’ Andy’s soft voice is almost drowned out by Minwoo cackling behind them as he easily avoids a Taekwondo round kick from Hyesung.
Junjin drops his extended arm to his side but does not look around. He is exhausted from lack of sleep and all the stress. He is sick with shame and self-hatred, and he does not want nor need to face the same things from Andy.
Warm fingers wrap around his bare forearm and Junjin flinches as if he has been burnt. If Andy found that insulting, he does not show it. He firmly pulls the older man around so they are facing each other.
‘Jin.’ Andy’s voice is stronger this time and prompts Junjin to meet his gaze. He is afraid to look, afraid of the revulsion and loathing the younger must be harbouring for him, but there is none of that in Andy’s eyes. They are void of expression and almost unreadable, but Junjin can still see that subtle judgemental glint in them. It sets his nerves on edge, feeling as if Andy is silently condemning him in his heart.
What the maknae says next is the last thing Junjin is expecting, though: ‘If you weren’t going to call me back, it would’ve been nice if you’d answered my message, Jin...’
Junjin gapes at him, at a loss for words. There is a slight upturn to Andy’s mouth, but his eyes are still serious.
‘Choongjae,’ he murmurs, lowering his voice a little. ‘This ... it can’t go on forever. You can’t keep avoiding me like this. We need to talk. Please.’
Junjin is still stuck in the phase of trying to get his head around the fact that Andy is actually talking to him and not looking at him like he is some rabid dog infected with a contagious disease. His next words come tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop himself, sounding childish almost,
‘Y-you don’t hate me?’
Andy looks up at him with surprise. His jaw slackens a bit. ‘What ...?’
‘OK, TRUCE!’ Minwoo’s voice slices through the tense atmosphere and the two of them look around to see their hyungs collapsing on the floor, breathing raggedly.
‘Shit, Pilkyo ...’ panted Minwoo. ‘I didn’t ... realise ... a decaffeinated you ... would get so ... stupidly touchy ... over a simple ... comment.’
‘I’m still ... not satisfied,’ Hyesung grunts. He swiftly removes his second shoe and throws it at Minwoo’s face again. This time - ‘Bullseye! Now I’m satisfied.’
Minwoo glares at him, but then grins devilishly and throws the shoe all the way to the farthest corner of the room. Hyesung shoots him a deadly look before giving up and flopping spread eagled on his back on the floor.
‘Why are you in such a good mood today?’ Hyesung asks wearily. ‘You were pretty pissy yesterday.’
Minwoo shrugs. ‘That’s exactly why. Yesterday didn’t get us anywhere. Anyway, what were you and Eric really up to last night that was so urgent you didn’t even sleep?’ asks the shorter man conversationally, nudging his friend’s thigh with his foot.
‘He came over and we were talking ’cause we were so worried about Jun -’ Hyesung stops dead. He sits up abruptly and looks around at Junjin as if he remembered something important. He freezes again when he sees the two younger men standing close together, Andy still holding onto Junjin’s arm.
Junjin feels his face heating up as he suddenly realises what Eric and Hyesung must have been talking about. He pulls his arm free from Andy’s lax grasp quickly and avoids the look the younger man throws at him.
Minwoo, who has followed Hyesung’s gaze, crocks an eyebrow. ‘You two, er ... need a moment?’
‘No,’ says Junjin, more quickly than he means to. He winces inwardly, aware of the way Andy is unabashedly gazing at him right now.
Thankfully, the awkward moment is interrupted by the arrival of their dance team and other staff and crew, shortly followed by Dongwan and eventually Eric. He does not miss the probing look thrown at him by their leader or even Dongwan’s searching and concerned smile as he greets him good morning.
As everyone gets started with their tasks and warm ups, Junjin discreetly steps as far away from Andy as the room allows before he begins with his stretching. He does not look to see if Andy has noticed. He tells himself he does not care right now and spends the rest of the morning trying to convince himself.
However, during a break, Andy approaches him at a moment when Junjin is caught off guard sitting against the wall with his eyes closed, trying to control his breathing to ready his body for the next dance routine. His eyes fly open when he senses someone crouching down beside him and his breath catches in his throat when he sees Andy looking down at him, unsmiling.
It is spoken as a question, but there is no room for argument in Andy’s next words. ‘Have dinner with me later, Jin?’
There is no time for Junjin to reply. Andy gets up and walks away and Junjin’s left with a mess of thoughts of which he can make no head or tail.
He looks up to see Andy throwing him one glance over his shoulder and Junjin is suddenly gripped with an odd feeling of mixed apprehension and exhilaration. The thought of being alone with Andy again so soon both terrifies and thrills him, but there is no doubt that he cannot get out of this. And later, while going through the new choreo of Scarface step-by-step, he realises that he should not try to make excuses to bail on this dinner anyway. Andy is right about them needing to talk. The thought still fills him with the old mind-numbing fear, but this is not only about Junjin anymore. It is no longer a problem that he can keep silent about and deal with on his own. He has made the mistake of dragging Andy into this mess and continuing to avoid the issue is not going to help either of them.
He sighs as the song ends and Minwoo steps forward to discuss improvements to their routine. Accepting what he has to do does not necessarily mean the burden has been lifted off his mind. It is still there, weighing even more on his conscience, and frankly, Junjin is afraid to even wonder how things will unfold between Andy and himself tonight. He has no guarantee that either of them or their relationship will make it out of this, unscathed.
Can they even be friends, when Andy is aware of Junjin and his ... well...?
Junjin has had more than enough experience to know that one-sided feelings never bore well for relationships. Or friendships. And that is all he can think about for the rest of the day, all through rehearsal, group lunch, and rehearsals again.
When it is finally time to end and they have all showered and dressed in normal clothes again, Minwoo and Eric gather them all together for one last discussion about their future group schedules and rehearsals. The day ends with them deciding on having a get-together party soon - just the six of them - to celebrate the success of their latest album and beginning of their Asia tour.
‘So, Hyesung’s apartment, next Saturday?’
‘Yeah!’
‘Wait just a moment there, Eric, when did I ever say you guys can use my place for a party?’
‘You’re saying it now. So, everyone can attend?’
‘Sure.’
‘Yeah!’
‘I’m free.’
‘Bastard. All right, fine. But you lot are bringing food and drinks. I’m not going to empty my cupboards.’
‘... Oh, good. I don’t want to drown in sesame oil again.’
‘Or choke on seeds. I think I needed CPR last time.’
‘I heard that, assholes!’
They move towards the exit, laughing and making the occasional jab at each other. Junjin smiles and tries to play along, but it is hard when his mind is so occupied with what is about to come up next. He curses himself for the reaction, but he can feel his heart already speeding up and his palms growing sweaty.
Maybe dinner is not a good idea tonight after all, he thinks to himself as he waves at Minwoo and Dongwan who are already taking off.
‘Hey, Jinnie. Wanna hit that new ramyun place with me?’
Junjin looks round at Hyesung who is grinning at him and, damn it, he wants to say yes so badly, but he stops short. Not only because he has been shanghaied into another engagement, but also there is that look in Hyesung’s eyes. He wants to talk, Junjin realises. And he has a pretty good idea about what. Hyesung has probably been holding this inside him all day, ever since their little talk yesterday afternoon which Eric and Andy had interrupted...
‘Well?’ Hyesung nudges him encouragingly.
‘Er, hyung, I ...’
‘Has plans with me.’
Junjin feels an involuntary shudder run through his body; Andy’s voice had sounded almost right in his ear.
Hyesung looks at their maknae with surprise, but Andy just smiles at him from across Junjin. ‘Sorry, hyung. Hope you don’t mind me stealing him from you tonight.’
(He knows Andy does not mean it that way, but in that moment, he has to wonder if Andy is phrasing it like that on purpose.)
‘Er, fine,’ says Hyesung uncertainly. His eyes meet Eric’s, who has been quietly and unknowingly watching them from the side. Junjin notices the meaningful look shared between them. Hyesung clears his throat. ‘Things are OK with you two?’
Junjin is a little taken aback by Hyesung’s bluntness, but before he can reply, Andy says, ‘There’s nothing to worry about, hyung. We’ll see you during next practice.’
It does not escape Junjin’s notice that Andy had avoided answering the actual question.
The younger man takes off and Junjin follows, saying a quick goodbye to his hyungs. He pretends that he does not see how Hyesung moves to Eric’s side and they start quietly talking together, their eyes locked on the retreating backs of their dongsaengs.
Andy leads Junjin to his car. The latter almost protests that he brought his own car too and perhaps they ought to drive separately to wherever Andy has decided they are going. However, something in Andy’s manner and silence stops him. He gets into the passenger seat wordlessly, aware of the heat around his collar and his galloping heart, and they barely speak a word for the rest of the ride.
The car feels claustrophobic and Junjin feasts his eyes on the colours of Seoul that go rushing past, but it is impossible to ignore his companion’s presence. Every now and then, his eyes wander over to the driver’s seat and he prays to God that Andy does not notice how Junjin’s eyes roam over his shadowy profile, drinking in his silhouette longingly, before looking away again.
They drive for several minutes before Junjin realises something is not quite right. They are no longer in an area with restaurants or diners, but this is more ... suburban. Apartment blocks and the occasional convenience store. It then strikes him that this place is also rather familiar to him.
‘Andy-yah...’ He speaks up for the first time that evening. There is a lump in his throat. ‘I - I thought we were going to dinner?’
Andy makes a sharp turn into the indoor parking lot of one of the apartment blocks and Junjin remains frozen in his seat, hardly daring to breathe as Andy slides his car neatly into a spot.
Andy finally turns to Junjin and smiles slightly, answering his question. ‘We are.’
Junjin does not know how to react.
Andy has brought Junjin back to his place.
~tbc~
A/N: Will try to get the next chapter out sooner this time :D
NEXT: PART FIVE
Pairing: Junjin/Andy, JinDy
Genre: Bordeline Angst, Drama, Fluff, Friendship, Romance
Warnings: Coarse language
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He wonders when the line between what is forbidden and what is not became so blurred that he can no longer tell the difference. The difference between loving this man in front of him as his brother ... or something much much more.
Notes: After a long break - you can thank Uni for that - back with a new update :'D This chap is more of a filler, but a necessary one. But it involves ShinDorks, so yay? :D
Previous: Part Three
BOUNDARIES - PART 4
If Junjin were to ever experience the phenomenon of time stopping so vividly in his life, it is probably happening right now. The only problem, though, is that time starts up again - and he is not ready to face what comes next. In fact, he does not think he will ever be ready.
‘... Jin ... do ... you like me...?’
It sounds like a bad line out of some bad romance flick, but it is real and this is real and Andy - Andy, oh God, no - is more real than anything else in this moment. Were Junjin in his right mind, he would wish to wipe all of it out of existence, because nothing can ever be the same again.
Nothing. Not ever.
He can see this truth reflected in Andy’s wide eyes, the kaleidoscope of conflicting emotions, the irreparably shattered image of Park Choongjae in Lee Sunho’s eyes ... Junjin sees everything in Andy’s eyes in those few moments and he knows he will regret this for the rest of his life.
Andy is the one who breaks the frozen moment. He repeats Junjin’s name, his eyes still full of overwhelming shock and dawning realisation, and he hesitantly reaches up and lightly touches Junjin’s hand, which is still cupping his cheek.
The brush of Andy’s palm against his fingers is what finally drives the senses back into Junjin. Andy’s skin suddenly feels like hellfire to his touch and he can no longer breathe, too aware of the length of Andy’s warm body still pressed flush against his. He pulls his arms off Andy with a suddenness that stuns the other man even, and next thing he knows, he is standing five feet away from him.
Junjin looks down at the floor, breathing raggedly. The events of the past few minutes are burnt into his mind and - even through all the chaos and turmoil - he realises that there is no going back. There is no fixing this. He has ruined everything.
He can almost see the metaphorical bridge between him and Lee Sunho burning, leaving them on opposite banks with a fathomless impassable void between them.
Andy ... he will never see Junjin as his brother again. He will never look at Junjin with those warm eyes again.
They will never be the same.
Andy takes a step forward, his soft tenor voice carrying Junjin’s name once more, but the latter does not look up. He recoils, head lowered, then takes another step back and then another -
‘Choongjae...’
Junjin turns to leave the room.
He leaves before he is forced to see the look of disgust on Andy’s face. The eyes filled with revulsion.
Hatred.
He almost runs out of the door, heart pounding.
Behind him is nothing but silence.
~***~
His phone rings for the twenty seventh time that night. Junjin watches it light up and vibrate on his bedside table with distant eyes. He has been having thoughts of just switching the damn thing off after the ninth call, but that feat requires him to actually get up from the bed, where he has been lying sprawled for the past three hours. He still does not particularly feel like getting out of his sloth-mode.
The phone keeps ringing for half a minute before the screen goes black again. Junjin looks away. He has seen the caller ID picture: Eric. In fact, out of the twenty seven missed calls, six of them were from Eric. The moment Eric, of all people, started to call him, Junjin had realised just how deep in shit he is right now, but that had not motivated him to answer the leader. He has not answered anyone, not even Hyesung who has called eighteen times. (This is one of those times Junjin truly appreciates certain hyungs like Minwoo and Dongwan. They know how to let it go after a couple of calls only.)
His phone rings again and Junjin casts one glance - Hyesung, again - before looking away once more. He knows why those two keep calling. He had run into them when he fled the practice room that afternoon - apparently, Eric and Hyesung had stuck around outside, anxious, in case something happened between Junjin and Andy. Junjin snorts to himself. Oh, something had happened all right. And now that something may be spelling the end of their friendship.
He cringes at the thought. It is that fear that has been haunting him all evening. He cannot undo what he did, but ... he cannot see how he can fix things either. His loss of control around Andy has resulted in irreparable damage.
And what about Shinhwa? Junjin squeezes his eyes shut, feeling like he is being suffocated. This thought, above anything else, is the most torturous. It has been eating away at him, choking him with remorse and self-reproach. He has not only broken things down between himself and Andy, but this is going to affect Shinhwa too. He wonders how they can be normal - or even pretend to be normal again - when the relationship between the group’s youngest two is on tenterhooks.
(Or maybe, there is just no relationship now. The thought makes his blood run cold.)
He had earlier tried to comfort himself with the thought that he and Andy have always been said to be awkward together anyway. A bit more ice between them will not be much of a change.
Oh, but who is he kidding? Junjin mentally beats himself up. Of course this is not OK. Nothing about this is OK.
He runs a hand over his face, feeling weary and drained. What am I going to do?
The phone rings again. Junjin groans and finally gives up. He is going to rip the batteries out of that thing. He rolls over and snatches it up, about to pop it open, but then stops dead.
Andy.
Junjin’s mouth goes dry. Andy is the only one who has not tried to contact him at all. He has not even hoped that Andy would call him.
He lets it ring, still frozen, until the call ends. He remains as he is until it starts ringing again, and still, Junjin does not answer. He cannot.
He only reacts when, after several seconds, his phone buzzes, announcing a new text. Junjin’s fingers tighten around his phone, afraid to look. Holding his breath without quite realising it, he finally clicks it open and stares wordlessly at the message:
Can we talk tomorrow? In private.
He switches his phone off, his mind blank.
~***~
The next day, Junjin is the first one to show up for their tour rehearsals. A rare occurrence, but he had had trouble sleeping and, with nothing better to do in the early morning, Junjin had figured he might as well just go.
He is bent over his bag, rifling through the items in search of his socks when the next member shows up. Minwoo slaps his butt on his way past as a way of morning greeting. ‘Yo. Got your act together finally, then?’
Junjin jumps a little. He curses his jittery feelings before looking round to smile at Minwoo. ‘Morning to you too, hyung. And yeah ... I guess.’
Minwoo crocks an eyebrow as he dumps his backpack and other belongings by the wall. ‘Really? Cleared up whatever was bothering you yesterday?’
Junjin winces guiltily. He realises how much he must have worried not only Eric and Hyesung, but Minwoo and Dongwan too, what with how he acted during practice yesterday. He apologises earnestly and Minwoo waves it away light-heartedly.
‘As long as your health is good and you’re feeling fine, that’s OK. Also ...’ Minwoo gives him a gentle look as he does up his shoelaces. ‘If you want to, you know you can always talk to me, right?’
Junjin nods, smiling, and on impulse just walks over and envelopes the short man in a hug. Minwoo laughs indulgently and playfully hugs him back. They break apart when the practice room door opens and Minwoo immediately perks up.
‘Hyesungie, Andy~! Group hug, anyone?’
‘You wanna die?’
Minwoo bursts out laughing. ‘Aw, Pilkyo hasn’t had his morning coffee yet, eh? I’ll make sure to stay far away from you,’ he teases their lead singer as he lets go of Junjin, not seeming to have noticed how tense his dongsaeng has suddenly become. Junjin stiffly turns back to his bag, trying not to think about the fourth person in the room with them.
‘Shut up,’ grunts Hyesung at Minwoo as he collapses against the wall. ‘I barely had three hours’ sleep last night.’
‘...You got lucky?’
Hyesung colours red with embarrassment and he immediately throws a shoe at Minwoo’s laughing face. ‘Get your mind out of the gutter, you ass! No, it’s just that Eric -’
‘Oh, so you got lucky with Eric last night, eh,’ Minwoo cracks up.
There is silence for a split second. Next thing anyone knows, Hyesung is making a strangled noise at the back of his throat before leaping to his feet and taking off after Minwoo.
Junjin looks around bemusedly at this rare side of Hyesung and the childlike Minwoo (currently taunting his chaser with his nimbleness) only to be met with the sight of Andy looking directly at him from across the room.
Junjin does not know how to react. He almost turns his back on the younger again, but something in the other man’s eyes hold him there. He cannot point out exactly what it is, but - it just might be his fear talking - there is something almost judgemental in the way Andy is staring at him right now.
And why wouldn’t he judge him, really? Junjin feels his heart grow heavy with shame. Andy does not deserve any of the burdens Junjin has put on him.
Minwoo and Hyesung whiz past his eyes again (‘When will you grow up, you effin idjit!’ ‘When you bust out some actual abs, Water-ssi~!’) and Junjin takes the chance to break eye contact. He is turning back to his bag again when he sees Andy move towards him out of the corner of his eyes. He stops dead, one hand extended towards his backpack, and feels rather than see Andy quietly walking up to him, deftly avoiding their overzealous hyungs on the way. The younger man halts right behind him and it takes all his effort for Junjin not to have a mental breakdown right then and there.
What the hell is supposed to say? Do?
‘Choongjae...’ Andy’s soft voice is almost drowned out by Minwoo cackling behind them as he easily avoids a Taekwondo round kick from Hyesung.
Junjin drops his extended arm to his side but does not look around. He is exhausted from lack of sleep and all the stress. He is sick with shame and self-hatred, and he does not want nor need to face the same things from Andy.
Warm fingers wrap around his bare forearm and Junjin flinches as if he has been burnt. If Andy found that insulting, he does not show it. He firmly pulls the older man around so they are facing each other.
‘Jin.’ Andy’s voice is stronger this time and prompts Junjin to meet his gaze. He is afraid to look, afraid of the revulsion and loathing the younger must be harbouring for him, but there is none of that in Andy’s eyes. They are void of expression and almost unreadable, but Junjin can still see that subtle judgemental glint in them. It sets his nerves on edge, feeling as if Andy is silently condemning him in his heart.
What the maknae says next is the last thing Junjin is expecting, though: ‘If you weren’t going to call me back, it would’ve been nice if you’d answered my message, Jin...’
Junjin gapes at him, at a loss for words. There is a slight upturn to Andy’s mouth, but his eyes are still serious.
‘Choongjae,’ he murmurs, lowering his voice a little. ‘This ... it can’t go on forever. You can’t keep avoiding me like this. We need to talk. Please.’
Junjin is still stuck in the phase of trying to get his head around the fact that Andy is actually talking to him and not looking at him like he is some rabid dog infected with a contagious disease. His next words come tumbling out of his mouth before he can stop himself, sounding childish almost,
‘Y-you don’t hate me?’
Andy looks up at him with surprise. His jaw slackens a bit. ‘What ...?’
‘OK, TRUCE!’ Minwoo’s voice slices through the tense atmosphere and the two of them look around to see their hyungs collapsing on the floor, breathing raggedly.
‘Shit, Pilkyo ...’ panted Minwoo. ‘I didn’t ... realise ... a decaffeinated you ... would get so ... stupidly touchy ... over a simple ... comment.’
‘I’m still ... not satisfied,’ Hyesung grunts. He swiftly removes his second shoe and throws it at Minwoo’s face again. This time - ‘Bullseye! Now I’m satisfied.’
Minwoo glares at him, but then grins devilishly and throws the shoe all the way to the farthest corner of the room. Hyesung shoots him a deadly look before giving up and flopping spread eagled on his back on the floor.
‘Why are you in such a good mood today?’ Hyesung asks wearily. ‘You were pretty pissy yesterday.’
Minwoo shrugs. ‘That’s exactly why. Yesterday didn’t get us anywhere. Anyway, what were you and Eric really up to last night that was so urgent you didn’t even sleep?’ asks the shorter man conversationally, nudging his friend’s thigh with his foot.
‘He came over and we were talking ’cause we were so worried about Jun -’ Hyesung stops dead. He sits up abruptly and looks around at Junjin as if he remembered something important. He freezes again when he sees the two younger men standing close together, Andy still holding onto Junjin’s arm.
Junjin feels his face heating up as he suddenly realises what Eric and Hyesung must have been talking about. He pulls his arm free from Andy’s lax grasp quickly and avoids the look the younger man throws at him.
Minwoo, who has followed Hyesung’s gaze, crocks an eyebrow. ‘You two, er ... need a moment?’
‘No,’ says Junjin, more quickly than he means to. He winces inwardly, aware of the way Andy is unabashedly gazing at him right now.
Thankfully, the awkward moment is interrupted by the arrival of their dance team and other staff and crew, shortly followed by Dongwan and eventually Eric. He does not miss the probing look thrown at him by their leader or even Dongwan’s searching and concerned smile as he greets him good morning.
As everyone gets started with their tasks and warm ups, Junjin discreetly steps as far away from Andy as the room allows before he begins with his stretching. He does not look to see if Andy has noticed. He tells himself he does not care right now and spends the rest of the morning trying to convince himself.
However, during a break, Andy approaches him at a moment when Junjin is caught off guard sitting against the wall with his eyes closed, trying to control his breathing to ready his body for the next dance routine. His eyes fly open when he senses someone crouching down beside him and his breath catches in his throat when he sees Andy looking down at him, unsmiling.
It is spoken as a question, but there is no room for argument in Andy’s next words. ‘Have dinner with me later, Jin?’
There is no time for Junjin to reply. Andy gets up and walks away and Junjin’s left with a mess of thoughts of which he can make no head or tail.
He looks up to see Andy throwing him one glance over his shoulder and Junjin is suddenly gripped with an odd feeling of mixed apprehension and exhilaration. The thought of being alone with Andy again so soon both terrifies and thrills him, but there is no doubt that he cannot get out of this. And later, while going through the new choreo of Scarface step-by-step, he realises that he should not try to make excuses to bail on this dinner anyway. Andy is right about them needing to talk. The thought still fills him with the old mind-numbing fear, but this is not only about Junjin anymore. It is no longer a problem that he can keep silent about and deal with on his own. He has made the mistake of dragging Andy into this mess and continuing to avoid the issue is not going to help either of them.
He sighs as the song ends and Minwoo steps forward to discuss improvements to their routine. Accepting what he has to do does not necessarily mean the burden has been lifted off his mind. It is still there, weighing even more on his conscience, and frankly, Junjin is afraid to even wonder how things will unfold between Andy and himself tonight. He has no guarantee that either of them or their relationship will make it out of this, unscathed.
Can they even be friends, when Andy is aware of Junjin and his ... well...?
Junjin has had more than enough experience to know that one-sided feelings never bore well for relationships. Or friendships. And that is all he can think about for the rest of the day, all through rehearsal, group lunch, and rehearsals again.
When it is finally time to end and they have all showered and dressed in normal clothes again, Minwoo and Eric gather them all together for one last discussion about their future group schedules and rehearsals. The day ends with them deciding on having a get-together party soon - just the six of them - to celebrate the success of their latest album and beginning of their Asia tour.
‘So, Hyesung’s apartment, next Saturday?’
‘Yeah!’
‘Wait just a moment there, Eric, when did I ever say you guys can use my place for a party?’
‘You’re saying it now. So, everyone can attend?’
‘Sure.’
‘Yeah!’
‘I’m free.’
‘Bastard. All right, fine. But you lot are bringing food and drinks. I’m not going to empty my cupboards.’
‘... Oh, good. I don’t want to drown in sesame oil again.’
‘Or choke on seeds. I think I needed CPR last time.’
‘I heard that, assholes!’
They move towards the exit, laughing and making the occasional jab at each other. Junjin smiles and tries to play along, but it is hard when his mind is so occupied with what is about to come up next. He curses himself for the reaction, but he can feel his heart already speeding up and his palms growing sweaty.
Maybe dinner is not a good idea tonight after all, he thinks to himself as he waves at Minwoo and Dongwan who are already taking off.
‘Hey, Jinnie. Wanna hit that new ramyun place with me?’
Junjin looks round at Hyesung who is grinning at him and, damn it, he wants to say yes so badly, but he stops short. Not only because he has been shanghaied into another engagement, but also there is that look in Hyesung’s eyes. He wants to talk, Junjin realises. And he has a pretty good idea about what. Hyesung has probably been holding this inside him all day, ever since their little talk yesterday afternoon which Eric and Andy had interrupted...
‘Well?’ Hyesung nudges him encouragingly.
‘Er, hyung, I ...’
‘Has plans with me.’
Junjin feels an involuntary shudder run through his body; Andy’s voice had sounded almost right in his ear.
Hyesung looks at their maknae with surprise, but Andy just smiles at him from across Junjin. ‘Sorry, hyung. Hope you don’t mind me stealing him from you tonight.’
(He knows Andy does not mean it that way, but in that moment, he has to wonder if Andy is phrasing it like that on purpose.)
‘Er, fine,’ says Hyesung uncertainly. His eyes meet Eric’s, who has been quietly and unknowingly watching them from the side. Junjin notices the meaningful look shared between them. Hyesung clears his throat. ‘Things are OK with you two?’
Junjin is a little taken aback by Hyesung’s bluntness, but before he can reply, Andy says, ‘There’s nothing to worry about, hyung. We’ll see you during next practice.’
It does not escape Junjin’s notice that Andy had avoided answering the actual question.
The younger man takes off and Junjin follows, saying a quick goodbye to his hyungs. He pretends that he does not see how Hyesung moves to Eric’s side and they start quietly talking together, their eyes locked on the retreating backs of their dongsaengs.
Andy leads Junjin to his car. The latter almost protests that he brought his own car too and perhaps they ought to drive separately to wherever Andy has decided they are going. However, something in Andy’s manner and silence stops him. He gets into the passenger seat wordlessly, aware of the heat around his collar and his galloping heart, and they barely speak a word for the rest of the ride.
The car feels claustrophobic and Junjin feasts his eyes on the colours of Seoul that go rushing past, but it is impossible to ignore his companion’s presence. Every now and then, his eyes wander over to the driver’s seat and he prays to God that Andy does not notice how Junjin’s eyes roam over his shadowy profile, drinking in his silhouette longingly, before looking away again.
They drive for several minutes before Junjin realises something is not quite right. They are no longer in an area with restaurants or diners, but this is more ... suburban. Apartment blocks and the occasional convenience store. It then strikes him that this place is also rather familiar to him.
‘Andy-yah...’ He speaks up for the first time that evening. There is a lump in his throat. ‘I - I thought we were going to dinner?’
Andy makes a sharp turn into the indoor parking lot of one of the apartment blocks and Junjin remains frozen in his seat, hardly daring to breathe as Andy slides his car neatly into a spot.
Andy finally turns to Junjin and smiles slightly, answering his question. ‘We are.’
Junjin does not know how to react.
Andy has brought Junjin back to his place.
~tbc~
A/N: Will try to get the next chapter out sooner this time :D
NEXT: PART FIVE