Boundaries - Part 5
Title: Boundaries (part five)
Pairing: Junjin/Andy, JinDy
Genre: Bordeline Angst, Drama, Fluff, Friendship, Romance
Warnings: Coarse language
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He wonders when the line between what is forbidden and what is not became so blurred that he can no longer tell the difference. The difference between loving this man in front of him as his brother ... or something much much more.
Notes: For Rif, who's been bitching at me (and other people) because I didn't update. /throws chappie in Rif's face/
Previous: Part Four
BOUNDARIES - PART 5
Junjin's mind is still numb with shock and apprehension as he quietly follows Andy across the indoor parking lot to the elevator. He observes Andy's relaxed, almost careless gait as they walk; for all purposes, the younger man appears not the least bit tense or wary of this situation he has created. Exactly what situation it is, even Junjin cannot say. He has no idea what is going on anymore.
Junjin hesitates outside the elevator doors. He hates this feeling of being left out of the loop, of getting into something unknown. But Andy looks at him with questioning innocence - as if the bastard does not realise how Junjin must be feeling right now and why - and he grits his teeth and steps inside. The ride up to Andy's floor is silent, tense and agonisingly long in the small, cramped place. The older man keeps his eyes fixed on the bright illuminated digits of the panel, his mind filled with questions and constantly aware of his companion's presence. Out of the corner of his eyes, he catches Andy's reflection and sees his thoughtful eyes locked on Junjin, and Junjin forces himself not to look around. He is not sure he wants to know what it all means right now.
He breathes a sigh of relief when the elevator dings and opens, glad to be able to step away from the current bane of his existence. As quickly as it has disappeared, his nervousness comes rushing back though, when Andy unlocks his apartment door. He smiles lightly at Junjin, inviting him inside, and the latter gives a strained smile in response before obliging.
It is not his first time at Andy's place. All of Shinhwa had come over when Andy had first moved into this flat, under the pretense of holding a housewarming ceremony, but mainly just to take a break from their busy schedules and party together, just the six of them. Junjin has been back a couple of times since then, but always with one or two other members. Never alone.
The apartment still looks almost the same as he remembers. Quite obviously a bachelor's home, but comfortably airy and always with that touch of Andy's need for cleanliness and organisation - nearly everything is stacked neatly in place, his shelves lined with books and his collection of DVDs and music, and there is not a speck of litter on the floor. As Junjin ventures further inside, he is greeted by the sound of barking and a small white Maltese comes rushing at him from across the sitting room.
His tense face automatically relaxes in a grin and he kneels down to scoop up the little dog. 'Long time no see, Fany,' he chuckles, craddling her fondly. She licks his face enthusiastically and then suddenly stops before craning her head around Junjin; she starts barking again, tail wagging and leaps out of Junjin's arms.
He chuckles as she dashes towards Andy. 'Realised it wasn't your daddy, eh?'
Andy laughs as he shrugs out of his jacket and puts away his keys before picking up his dog. 'Fany-yah, you remember Uncle Junjin, right? Keep him company for me, hmm? While I get some food ready.'
Junjin is a little stunned when Andy presses Fany into his arms. 'Make yourself comfortable. I got some beer and soju in the fridge, if you want some. You're OK with jjajangmyeon, right? Or jjajangbap?'
'Uh ... whichever,' Junjin stammers, abruptly realising that Andy had been entirely serious about the two of them having dinner. Just not in the way Junjin had imagined it to happen.
Andy disappears into the kitchen and Junjin remains frozen in the middle of the sitting room for several seconds. Fany squirms in his arms and licks his fingers, bringing him back to the present. Shaken out of his reverie, Junjin gently places her on the sofa where she curls up on the armrest.Uunceremoniously dropping his bag and jacket on the floor, he hurries after Andy.
'Wow,' he cannot help saying, seeing that Andy has already brought out the pots and saucepans, and started up the stove. 'You weren't kidding...'
Andy glances briefly at him as he puts the water onto boil. 'Of course not.'
Junjin hesitates a little. 'You know, we ... we could've just gone out. Would've saved you the trouble of doing all this.'
This time, Andy does not look at him as he rifles through his fridge. 'I don't mind cooking. Besides ... this gives us more privacy.'
Junjin says nothing. Andy straightens up, a container of kimchi in one hand and a beer in the other. Nudging the fridge door close with his heel, he holds out the can to Junjin who takes it wordlessly with a nod of thanks. Andy nods towards the sitting room.
'Go sit down and relax. Watch TV or something. I won't take too long.'
'Right...' he mumbles, fidgeting awkwardly. 'Y'know, I'd offer to help-'
'Jin, it's fine.' This time Andy actually steps up close, startling Junjin a little, and physically pushes him out of his kitchen with a gentle shove.
'Besides, I like my kitchen as it is, disaster-free,' he teases out of the blue, his eyes twinkling with that old spark of mischief. Junjin feels his heart expand with unexpected warmth at the sight of it, his tension miraculously lessening in the face of Andy's familiar perkiness. He cannot say why it is making him feel this way, but Junjin suddenly feels hope rising within him, that somehow it is possible for Andy and him to go back to how things were before - almost.
Andy is still smiling at him and Junjin smiles back, genuinely this time. He watches as Andy turns back to what he was doing for a few seconds and then heads back into the sitting room, feeling considerably lighter than before.
Perhaps all is not lost, after all.
~***~
'Jin-ah...'
With a low grown, Junjin nuzzles his head deeper into the warm softness beneath him, trying to block out the annoying caller disturbing his slumber.
'Jinnie, come on.' The voice grows more insistent.
'Go away,' he mumbles, waving a hand limply as if to swat away the enemy of his sleep.
'Choongjae-yah,' the voice sounds right in his ear this time, low and deep and almost threatening. 'If you want to sleep, go die on your own sofa, not mine.'
The proximity of the voice and the feel of hot breath on his skin awaken Junjin as effectively as a bucket of ice doused on him. With a start, he rolls over in panic and yelps as he suddenly plunges down.
THUD.
The fall is cruelly short and he groans in pain, winded, as he lands face down on what he realises is the floor. His memories awaken then and he groggily remembers - oh yeah, he had been sprawled on Andy's sofa the whole time -
Wait.
'Shit!' Arms wrap around him from behind, one around his waist and the other his shoulders, and Junjin is gently heaved up into a kneeling position. A warm torso presses against his back. 'You OK, Jin?'
Junjin blinks, still a little dazed. 'Er...'
'I didn't think you'd fall off the damn sofa. You didn't hit your head, did you? Concussion?'
'Wha - I'm fine ... I think.' He gives his head a little shake, trying to rid himself of the lingering dizziness and sleep. His head aches a little. 'Just a little disoriented...'
Junjin's vision clears and he looks around blearily, taking in the empty beer can he left standing on the coffee table, the variety program still blaring on the TV and then Andy's concerned eyes peering anxiously into his face over Junjin's shoulder from just inches away, his chest still pressing lightly against Junjin's back -
Oh.
With an involuntary flinch, the older man almost falls over forward in his hurried scramble to get to his feet. 'I-I'm OK.'
Andy's supporting arms fall off his waist and shoulders as Junjin leaps up. Ignoring the older man's belated (and blatantly alarmed) reaction, Andy straightens to his feet and gives him a relieved smile.
'That's good. I was afraid I'd have to drag your ass to the hospital at this time of night and all my food and hard work would've gone to waste.'
Junjin is not sure if he should be glad about Andy's light hearted jokes or wary of this whole nonchalant act. Andy must clearly be aware of Junjin's discomfiture around him, not to mention the reason for it - and yet, this whole uncaring air and all the friendly smiles and even the blasé touching and skinship ... just what is Andy trying to tell him?
He has been ignoring the thought for a while, but he cannot deny that it has crossed his mind more than once today, especially with how Andy had been around him during the tour rehearsal. Can Andy possibly be...? Junjin entertains the possibility for less than a second before utterly disregarding it. No, it cannot be that. He is pretty damn sure that Andy does not return his feelings. He has paid enough attention to the other lately to know that much, at least. Heck, even knowing about Junjin's unnatural and one-sided feelings must surely be extremely discomforting for him.
The other thought that strikes Junjin then is far more disturbing and even unlikelier. He immediately pushes it out of his mind. If there is one thing that all these years of friendship have taught Junjin about Andy, it is that his friend is one of the kindest and most caring souls he has ever had the good fortune of knowing. On that basis alone, it is impossible that Andy is ... teasing him. Testing his boundaries ... seeing how far he can push Junjin, now that he knows his little secret...
No, hisses that little voice inside his head vehemently, Andy would never do such a cruel thing.
Never.
'So, food?'
Junjin silences the chaotic thoughts in his mind and nods. Taking a breath, he pulls on the sort of bright smile that the old Junjin would have. Because, whatever Andy's motives may be right now, Junjin does not want this situation to grow into an even bigger mess. If Andy can still treat him like he has always done, with that same warmth and kindness, then Junjin wants to do the same - for the sake of their friendship that has held fast for half of their lives, if nothing else.
Because, he muses to himself as he follows Andy to his small dining table, despite the trying times they have faced, the obstacles that have come between them and the years they have spent as members supposedly awkward with each other - in the end, when it comes right down to it, they are and always have been friends. In their own way, be it in front of cameras or away from prying eyes, they have supported each other and cared for each other and tried for each other. Whatever it is they have between them, it is just as significant and precious as what they have with the others. In the long run, that is all that matters, and what is worth salvaging in the ruins Junjin has created between them.
And Junjin will salvage it - their friendship - no matter what it takes. He cannot - will not - lose Andy like this, over his own unnatural desires and unwanted feelings. They are not worth that.
Nothing is worth losing Andy.
~***~
'This is fucking delicious!'
Andy smiles rather wryly as he takes another swig from his bottle of soju. 'You swore. I'm flattered.'
'I just paid you a compliment and what makes you happy is that I swore?' Junjin asks, not looking up from his plate as he happily scoops up another helping of jjajangmyeon with his chopsticks.
'If there's one thing I've learnt from the hyungs, it's that I'm not doing it right unless it makes you guys swear your mouths off,' Andy replies with an amused grin.
Junjin snorts and helps himself to more kimchee. 'Fuck you and your fucking cooking.'
Andy laughs and jokes back, 'I'm blushing, stop it you.'
The older man shrugs and goes back to eating, unable to hide his grin. He is not really sure when their dinner conversation began or how it has escalated to this nonsense - it is the soju, maybe - but he is not complaining. Whatever is to be blamed, he is quite grateful for it, in fact. The atmosphere is easygoing and comfortable, and Junjin is actually enjoying having dinner with Andy.
It also does help that the food truly is "fucking delicious". Andy had whipped up not only jjajangmyeon, but also some plain rice, which he had then proceeded to mix in with his portion of the noodles. (Junjin had asked why Andy had not simply just made jjajangbap since he obviously prefers rice, and Andy had replied that he had thought Junjin would like noodles better.) Junjin had tried the blend himself and liked it, even more so with the kimchee Andy had brought out. ('Rice is never complete without kimchee,' Andy had proclaimed seriously and Junjin had to agree with him on that one.)
Andy has also brought out a couple of bottles of soju, and though Junjin usually enjoys drinking, he has carefully kept himself in check so far, especially since he has already downed a beer earlier. It has not escaped his mind the real reason he is here, in spite of the carefree mood between them. Andy has obviously brought him over for something, and though Junjin is renowned for being able to hold his liquour, he wants to be entirely in his right mind when faced with whatever Andy will throw at him. But he has to admit that the few cups of soju he has allowed himself have indeed relaxed him.
Andy pushes the little pot with the last of the jjajangmyeon towards him. 'Wanna finish that off?'
'Tempting ... but hell, I'm full.'
The younger makes a face. 'Me, too. It'd be a pity to waste it, though.'
'...Share?'
Andy breaks into a smile. 'Deal.'
The both of them end up digging their chopsticks into the noodles at the same time. Perhaps it is the old unspoken memory of the time they all lived together in the dorms, when they had made food together to share and ended up playfully fighting over who would get the biggest portion and the last bite - but one clash of their chopsticks against each other's is all it takes before Junjin and Andy burst out laughing and fighting with their chopsticks over the last of the noodles.
'Back off, that piece is from my side!'
'Oops, too late.' Andy stuffs it in his mouth and grins provocatively as he chews.
Junjin shoots him a glare and then, with a devilish smirk, scoops the rest of the noodles on Andy's side of the pot towards him with a single sweep of his chopsticks. With a furious 'Ey!' Andy fervently resumes the fight to win back his noodles. They end up standing and leaning over the table on their elbows, shovelling the jjajangmyeon into their mouths as fast as they can as they raced against each other to get the last bite, snorting and laughing along the way. Junjin thinks back to earlier days when such a situation used to be a six-way fight (well OK, mostly five. Hyesung was - still is - too dignified to chopstick-fight over food). Those times had certainly been messier and way more difficult, he thinks to himself.
He almost changes his mind when Andy suddenly shoves Junjin's chopsticks away so forcefully that bits of sauce went flying everywhere; with a wicked grin, he steals the slice of beef the latter has been aiming for. Growling under his breath, Junjin starts gathering up the few remaining noodles in vengeance.
'Last bite is mine, Andy-yah!'
'Just try it,' Andy challenges and proceeds to swiftly wrap the other end of the noodle strands around his own chopsticks.
They shove the jjajangmyeon in their mouths at the same time, shooting equally defiant glares at each other playfully. Junjin slurps in his mouthful forcefully, determined to get as many of the noodles as possible, but then - at the last moment, his heart starts pounding and Junjin realises that - what the bloody hell - they have taken in the same noodle strand, from opposite ends.
He stops dead, the exhilaration of the childish game suddenly dying inside him. Andy realises what has happened as well and stops, too, staring at Junjin with surprised eyes across the thin yellow strand connecting them over too short a distance. Had they not realised it and kept going ... Junjin does not want to imagine that.
In that split second, Junjin finds himself wondering what Andy is thinking. Does he find this situation - made classic by a freaking Disney cartoon of all things and found repetitively in frickin' dramas, not real life, damn it - as unbelievable as Junjin does? Or as unthinkable? Ridiculous? ...Fearful?
On any other day, in front of a camera or an audience, the old Junjin might have closed that tiny gap between them to make viewers scream with glee. Or, even without a camera or audience, he might still have closed that tiny gap just to tease Andy, to laugh at his reaction at being kissed through food, or to make fun of such an implausible fairytale circumstance actually happening.
Today is not any other day, though. Nor is he the Junjin he used to be.
He bites down, breaking off the noodle strand between them, and straightens slowly, forcing himself to stay calm. A sense of disappointment settles over him; it is strange and the feeling irks him. It is then he realises that he has actually been tempted to take it all the way - very much so. He looks away from the sight of Andy quietly slurping up the limp noodle hanging from his puckered mouth, feeling ashamed and disgusted with himself. Whatever amiability that has been between them before has vanished, giving way to the previous tension in the air.
'You win,' says Junjin with an awkward cough. He gathers up the empty pot and kimchee plate.
'Leave it. I'll do the dishes later,' says Andy.
Junjin puts them down wordlessly. Usually, he would offer to help with the washing up in exchange for the cooking, but right now, he just really wants to leave.
'Thanks for dinner. It was great. It's getting late, though...'
Andy crocks an eyebrow. 'I thought you were free tomorrow. Doesn't everyone have the day off?'
'Yeah,' says Junjin without thinking, and immediately regrets not lying.
'Great. Then you can stay a while longer.'
'Andy...'
'I brought you here so we could talk, Jin.'
Junjin shuts up at Andy's sudden bluntness. Right...
Andy clears his throat, now looking a little weird. 'I wanted us to have dinner and drink a bit so we could be a bit more comfortable ... but ...'
Yeah, Andy does not have to say it out loud, Junjin thinks to himself. His plan had been going perfectly well before unexpectedly backfiring. The two of them are anything but comfortable right now. All thanks to one noodle. Junjin inwardly snorts at the thought.
Clearing his throat again, Andy sits back down and looks expectantly at his guest. Giving in, Junjin slowly lowers himself into his chair as well. Ignoring his earlier inhibitions, he reaches for the soju bottle and his cup again. He is no longer sure he can do this completely sober.
'So?' Junjin prompts quietly when the silence continues to drag on. 'Shoot.'
Andy plays with his empty cup. 'To be honest, I'm not really sure where to start...'
Junjin heaves a heavy sigh and downs another cup of alcohol. 'Maybe,' he mutters, pouring out more soju again, 'I'm the one who should start.'
Andy looks up.
'Start by saying sorry,' Junjin continues, avoiding the other's eyes. He takes another long swig and shakes the hair out of his eyes. 'Sorry for this whole mess and for everything ... I was so stupid and I shouldn't have...'
'Jin,' Andy interrupts, his voice surprisingly gentle. 'I'm not looking for an apology.'
Junjin hesitates for a few seconds, wondering how to respond. 'Then what? What do you want to talk about?'
'Just...' Andy runs a hand through his auburn hair, looking troubled. 'I guess ... maybe an explanation first. You ... I'm confused and -'
The older man winces a little, feeling stirrings of both shame and anger welling up inside him. An explanation? Hasn't his slip up during their confrontation yesterday made everything perfectly clear to Andy? Why does he need Junjin to come out and spell it out for him? It is almost like torture.
'What do you want me to say?' asks Junjin, his tone acerbic. 'You already know what my feeli - what my problem is.'
'Jin,' Andy begins, but the older man shakes his head angrily.
'Why do you need me to say it? This is already eating away at me every single day and I don't need you to -!'
'I don't want there to be more misunderstandings between us,' speaks up Andy forcefully, cutting across Junjin. 'I don't want to be left with just some half-assed idea of what the problem between us is. I don't want to have to fill in the gaps by myself without knowing the whole truth. I don't want this to get any worse.'
Junjin glares at him, fists clenched. More than angry, he is just hurt. Hurt that Andy is forcing him into this. 'You want me to spell out the truth for you? Fine! I have feelings for you! Satisfied?' Breathing hard, he looks away stonily. 'But you already knew that.'
Andy is silent for several seconds. Junjin refuses to look at him.
Finally, the younger man ventures softly, 'I'm sorry, Jin, if this came across as my hurting you. That was never my intention. I just wanted to know the truth once and for all -'
'Now you do.'
'- and to understand.'
Junjin blinks and looks around, taken aback. 'Understand ... what?'
Andy bites his lower lip. 'I don't know. You. This. Like, how could it have...?'
Junjin smiles mirthlessly and looks away again. 'I've been asking myself that every day. Even I don't know. It just ... happened. And not just overnight. It happened.'
His words take a few seconds to sink in and Andy's eyes widen a little. He wrings his hands together uncertainly. 'How ...' It takes a moment for him to force the words out. 'How long ... have you...?' He cannot finish.
Junjin lowers his gaze to the tabletop. 'It's been a while,' he finally admits, his voice just above a whisper.
He himself has lost count of the days. He has just simply fallen for Andy. That is all there is to it. He wants him, in a way he has never wanted another man before. The thought brings back the ringing shame and disappointment in himself again and he tries to empty his mind. It is nigh impossible though, when he sees Andy staring at him from across the table.
The silence drags on between them again, longer this time. However, the tension has dissipated a bit, the atmosphere between them not as charged as it has been all day. Somewhere deep down, Junjin feels an unexpected lightness, as if directly confessing everything has relieved him of his burden somewhat. He breathes in and closes his eyes, waiting for Andy to break the silence.
At long last, Andy finally says, his voice soft, 'So, this is why you've been so distant around me. But why?'
Junjin's eyes fly open. His mouth slackens a bit. 'I ...' He frowns a little, his cheeks growing hot. 'I ... I guess I was afraid. I didn't want you to find out.'
'What did you think would happen if I knew the truth?'
It is a hard question to answer. On one hand, he has been so terrified of Andy hating him and turning him away; that has been his biggest fear. But it is not only that. He has also been scared of himself, of what his feelings meant. To feel something so sinful and wrong, to long for Andy like this - it goes against his very being, and what he has thought he knew about himself all his life.
'Did you think I'd hate you for it?' Andy suddenly asks perceptively. Junjin winces involuntarily, confirming his answer. Andy leans forward a little, his eyes dark and earnest. 'Jin ... you idiot. You should know by now that I will never hate you. None of us will. We're brothers forever.'
The words ring with comfort, but somehow, they only make Junjin feel worse. With a groan, he buries his head in his arms. 'It's not only that, Andy-yah.'
'Tell me. Please.'
Taking a shuddering breath, he lifts his head. 'This was never supposed to be your burden to bear. It's my problem, this sick feeling -'
'Do you really think it's sick? Wrong?'
Junjin is a little shocked. There is a sharp edge to Andy's eyes as he gazes at him, demanding an answer.
'Isn't it?' Junjin finally breathes. 'You said it yourself, we're like brothers. You're my friend. I shouldn't feel this way. All my life, I've never - not once ... and just suddenly ...' He shakes his head. 'This is not me, it's never been me. This goes against everything I've ever believed in.'
Andy frowns thoughtfully. 'Y'know, Jin, I understand that our society is ... er, a bit conservative about this. But I've spent the first half of my life abroad and ... well, this is not ...' Andy appears to be searching for the right words, 'this is not something ... new to me. I've seen this, I've been exposed to it and ... It - it doesn't make me hate you. And ... you shouldn't hate yourself, either.'
The older man gives him a pained look, realising what Andy is trying to say: to accept and be at peace with the fact that Junjin likes men. But Andy has not heard the whole of it. Junjin does not know where he gets the courage, but next thing he knows, he is blurting,
'I'm not attracted to other men, Andy...'
Andy falls silent at the confession and Junjin fingers the rim of his soju cup, his face burning. It is not just that he is not attracted to other men, but rather he is not attracted to anyone right now. Except the man in front of him. It is actually a familiar situation for Junjin; every time he has truly fallen in love with a woman, all other females just paled into insignificance for him. No one else matters. But Andy does not need to know that.
As for his sexual orientation, Junjin does not really know what to think of himself anymore. He wonders how likely it is to fall for one man without liking men in general; it seems quite unlikely, to be honest. Maybe he is now discovering that he likes both women and men, and it just so happens that he has fallen for Andy already, so he is not the least bit attracted to anyone else right now, be it a man or a woman. Is that possible? He wonders anxiously.
Whatever the case may be, he knows one thing for sure. He cannot allow his feelings for Andy to endure. They can never be.
'I see...' When Andy speaks up at last, there is a slight waver to his voice that was not there before. There is a flustered look in his normally calm eyes and it takes a moment for him to meet Junjin's gaze. The older man wonders if, with his last words, Andy has finally got a real inkling as to the degree to which Junjin's feelings extends for him. Clearing his throat, Andy asks quietly, 'So ... what do you want us to do?'
Us?
Junjin exhales slowly, willing himself to stay calm. 'There is nothing for us to do, Andy. Just me. Like I said before, this is my burden to bear, not yours. You were never supposed to be involved.'
Andy's eyes flare a bit. 'But I am involved now, aren't I? What am I supposed to do, just ignore that -?!'
'Yes, ignore,' snaps Junjin. 'You know the truth, but just ignore it. Pretend none of this ever happened. That will make it easier for me to get over it -'
'Jin, I never demanded that you get over this!'
'I never said you did,' Junjin hisses, 'Then what are you suggesting, that I just live with these one-sided feelings for the rest of my life?!'
'No, I -' Andy begins to look confused and troubled again. 'That's not it...'
'Then what?' Junjin is exasperated. 'See, this is why I never wanted you to find out. I didn't want you to think you're obligated to share this burden or - God forbid - pity me and think that you have to return my feelings -'
'Why are you making all these presumptions about me all on your own?' Andy's voice rises.
'Because I know you don't feel about me that way!' Junjin bursts out.
'You never even asked -'
'And if I did?' Junjin stands up. 'If I looked you in the eyes right now and asked if you can love me back - then what?'
Andy stares up at him with wide eyes, his mouth slightly open. He cannot speak.
Junjin sighs. 'You see?' he says, gentle now. 'I know. And you don't have to beat yourself up over this. You don't owe me anything, no obligations and no apologies.'
'Choongjae...' Andy slowly rises to his feet, but Junjin holds up a hand.
'No, listen to me, Sunho. I know you're worried about me. And maybe you feel like you need to take some responsibility for this because you think it's unfair that I have to deal with everything alone.' From the shadow that crosses Andy's eyes, Junjin knows he has guessed correctly. 'But it's not like that. It's not your fault. And I ... I'll learn to deal with it. You don't owe me anything. I'm not asking anything of you.'
'You can say that,' Andy says quietly, leaning his palms on the table heavily. 'But that won't make it any easier. How can I pretend nothing's happened when I know you're hurting because of me?'
'Don't, Andy,' Junjin says seriously. 'Don't. It's not your fault and you know that. I just wish I'd dealt with this better. And I'm sorry for -'
'Don't you dare apologise for your feelings,' Andy shoots at him. 'It's ... it's not wrong, Jin, whatever you may think. I'm just...'
'If you're going to say you're sorry because you can't return my feelings, I swear I'll stab you through both eyes with your own chopsticks and then some.'
Andy chuckles at the superfluous threat and Junjin smiles back wryly.
'... But ... there is just one thing I want to ask of you, though.'
The younger man looks up, his face open and earnest. 'Anything.'
Junjin bites his lips and looks down, unable to make eye contact. For a second, he fears he may start crying. 'Please just ... don't ever stop being my friend. Don't hate me, please...' I can't bear it.
His shoulders tremble and his vision blurs a little, his heart heavy with the plea he has put in that one request. Suddenly, he feels himself being turned around. Arms come around him and next thing he knows, Andy is holding him firmly to him, his gentle hands stroking his back and fingers curling into his hair.
'Choongjae, you idiot ... Never, OK? I promise.'
The tears finally escape his eyes and Junjin gives in. Fisting his hands into the small of Andy's back, he buries his face in his shoulder and tries to contain the sobs that wreck his body. Andy hugs him tighter, whispering soothingly in his ear.
'It'll be OK. You hear me? We've always made it through. We'll be OK...'
Junjin does not know for how long they stay like that. His eyes eventually dry and his heart starts feeling lighter. He allows the moment to linger a little more, absorbing Andy's warmth and his gentleness and his subtle scent, before finally pulling away. He feels a sense of loss as Andy steps back, but reminds himself that he has just made both of them the promise to get over this. He has to let go.
Andy's eyes are kind as he looks up at Junjin. 'I have one request to make of you too, Jinnie.'
'Yeah?' Junjin tries not to look too self-conscious as he would-be-carelessly wipes a hand over the tear tracks on his cheeks.
'Please don't avoid me again. I understand everything now, but ... please. You said you want things to go back to the way they were. I've been trying all along to do just that. Do the same for me.'
Suddenly, Andy's nonchalant air, his friendliness and the occasional skinship that have been troubling Junjin all this time suddenly make sense. Junjin smiles softly. 'OK.'
'Good.'
~***~
It is with an easier air between them that they finally move on from the long overdue talk. Despite the late hour, Junjin stubbornly insists on helping with the dishes and Andy dryly jokes that if he broke even one, he would have to buy an entire new set. They manage to get through the task with no ceramic casualties and Junjin finally picks up his jacket and bag, ready to leave.
'I'll drop you off?' Andy offers.
'That's OK, it's late.'
'Jin ... I drove you here, remember?'
Junjin frowns. 'Oh, right. Damn it. Why didn't I just bring my car?'
Andy snorts. 'Guess I'm driving you. Wait, I'll get my jacket.'
'Then you're also driving me to the studio tomorrow so I can pick up my damn car,' barks Junjin after Andy.
'We have managers for a reason, Choongjae.'
'It's our day off tomorrow and, if you recall, it wasn't my freaking manager who made me leave my car behind!'
'All right, fine. Pshh.'
Still bickering, they leave. Junjin registers the comforting familiarity of this atmosphere between them. He still has deep feelings for Andy and he knows they will not be easy to overcome, but as Andy shoves him with his shoulder in retaliation for Junjin's snide remark about Andy's car sucking in comparison to Junjin's, he thinks that he certainly does not want to lose this. Having these feelings for Andy and struggling to forget them may be extremely painful right now, but he sure as heck would much rather endure that pain than that of losing Andy forever. And now that they have promised to never let go of their friendship, no matter what - especially Andy's acceptance of Junjin tonight - he knows he can get through this more easily.
At least, that is what he believes all the way home, until Andy pulls up outside his apartment block and they see a couple passionately making out right outside.
'Pssh, exhibitionists,' mutters Junjin, rolling his eyes as he unbuckles his seatbelt.
'I thought you were OK with public displays of affection?' remarks Andy, his tone teasing.
'Whatever the hell gave you that idea,' retorts Junjin, resisting the urge to stick his tongue out childishly. 'I'll have you know I'm a gentleman to the core -' He stops talking, his eyes locked on the couple outside. Raising his eyebrows, Andy looks around as well. He stills, his grip tightening on the steering wheel.
The couple kissing before them are two men.
Under any other circumstance, Junjin might have just raised an eyebrow and simply moved on, thinking nothing of it. But right now, considering the events and conversations of the day, doing that is a little impossible. Andy seems to be feeling slightly awkward, too. His grip on the wheel has still not loosened.
Finally, the couple in front of the building becomes aware that they have company. They break apart and identical looks of embarrassment and panic cross their faces when they see the car and the two passengers. Junjin quickly looks away as they quickly part ways, one going inside the building and the other down the pavement. He wonders if things will continue to be like this in the future: him and Andy being quite normal until they both come across something that alludes to Junjin having feelings for Andy. He cringes inwardly.
'Thanks for the ride, Andy. I'll see you later.' Junjin makes to open the door, but stops when Andy quietly says,
'Jin ... can I ask something? Just ... out of curiosity.'
'What?'
'You don't have to answer if you don't want to...' Andy trails off and Junjin stares at him, puzzled. Andy hesitates, then nods at where the couple had been. 'You know, we've ... pretty much done stuff like that. Among the members, I mean. Just for the hell of it...'
Oh no. Junjin resigns himself to answering an extremely awkward question. '...Yeah?'
'We certainly don't act like that with women, except girlfriends.'
'What's your point?' mumbles Junjin. He can suspect where Andy is going with this.
'So, I'm just wondering ... being like that with men so much, though we were just doing it playfully, is it possible to...?'
It's almost funny that Andy is asking the first thing Junjin had asked himself when he had first realised his feelings for Andy: was it all the skinship between men that had made Junjin "confused" about his orientation? Is such a thing possible?
'I don't know,' replies Junjin shortly, but truthfully. 'Have you ever felt like that?'
'I don't know. I've never really thought of it like that, actually.'
'Mm.' Junjin decides it is not a good idea to mention that only kissing Andy has been giving him butterflies lately, not any of the other members. 'Is that all?' He makes to open the door again.
'Can I try?' Andy blurts out.
Junjin freezes, his fingers already on the handle. 'What ... do you mean?'
'Can I try something ... with you? Only if you're OK with it...'
Slowly, almost unwillingly, Junjin turns to face him. Andy's face is expressionless, but Junjin recognises the nervousness - almost fear - in his dark eyes as he quietly watches Junjin, waiting for his answer. There is uncertainty there, too, and apprehension.
A bad feeling comes over him and Junjin has to force himself to ask, 'What's that?'
'I ... I just want to try...' Andy hesitates for the longest moment, and this time, his discomfort is written all over his face, but it is with a quiet determination that he meets Junjin's eyes. Without another word, he unbuckles his seat belt and deliberately leans towards Junjin. Bringing their faces within inches of each other, Andy does not break eye contact, but Junjin sees his nervousness and embarrassment increasing.
Andy pauses, tilting his face just the slightest, and what he is asking of Junjin becomes alarmingly clear. Honestly, it not only shocks Junjin, but scares him as well. He gapes at Andy, confused and at a loss for words. Unwittingly, his eyes dip to Andy's parted lips; his mouth goes dry and a lump forms in his throat. He cannot speak, but Andy seems to have taken Junjin's silence as consent. Before he can react, Andy closes the distance between them, placing a hand on Junjin's neck to pull him closer.
The first touch is light and soft, just barely there; similar to the swift kisses they often shared between members for fanservice. But in that moment, it nearly makes Junjin's heart leap to his throat, his skin burning hot. He almost pulls away, feeling his heart beginning to pound already, but soon he realises that his hell has just begun. Andy presses closer, weaving his fingers through Junjin's hair to tug him forward. His lips move softly over his, testing and experimenting, and then grows bold, more aggressive. He pulls Junjin even closer, coaxing his lips to part and kisses him even more deeply. His thoughts in chaos, Junjin squeezes his eyes shut and allows Andy to do as he pleases. He finds himself giving in slightly, responding a little to Andy's insistent mouth.
Then, a warm tongue presses between his lips and Junjin comes undone.
In all their years together, in all their teasing and pranks, this is a boundary that has never been crossed. They have always known their limits, where to draw the line and respect it, but this - this is a leap that cannot be unmade. There is no going back with this.
'Sunho,' gasps Junjin, his breath heaving, but Andy pulls him back, sliding his tongue into his mouth and twisting Junjin's very being with his sensual ministrations. All his control and logical thoughts give way to his repressed desires and Junjin wraps his arm around Andy, fervently kissing him back, losing himself in the battle for dominance. Andy bites down lightly and Junjin moans a little, swiping his tongue across Andy's bottom lip. He tilts his head, wanting to taste his lips from every angle -
HONK.
They leap apart, startled, as a van goes rushing past their car. Junjin leans back in his seat, chest heaving, and a glance to the side reveals that Andy is as breathless as him, if not more. The younger man does not look up, his eyes locked on the dashboard, and even in the darkness, Junjin can make out the high colour on his cheeks. Neither of them speaks for several seconds.
Junjin clears his throat. His lips are still tingling from the attention Andy has paid them and his heart still feels like a horse galloping on steroids. 'Uh...'
Andy breathes in, still avoiding his eyes. 'Yeah ... I just ...'
'...Wanted to try.'
Andy winces a little. 'Uh ... mm.'
When there is no elaboration coming forth from the younger, Junjin mumbles, looking straight ahead, 'Well ... was it a good idea, then?'
There is no reply.
'... Good night, Andy.' Junjin grabs his bag and quickly climbs out of the car. He has barely shut the door when Andy revs his engine and tears away from the curb.
Junjin watches until the headlights disappear round the corner.
So ... where does it go from here?
~tbc~
A/N: So ... yeah ... /dies/
NEXT
Pairing: Junjin/Andy, JinDy
Genre: Bordeline Angst, Drama, Fluff, Friendship, Romance
Warnings: Coarse language
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He wonders when the line between what is forbidden and what is not became so blurred that he can no longer tell the difference. The difference between loving this man in front of him as his brother ... or something much much more.
Notes: For Rif, who's been bitching at me (and other people) because I didn't update. /throws chappie in Rif's face/
Previous: Part Four
BOUNDARIES - PART 5
Junjin's mind is still numb with shock and apprehension as he quietly follows Andy across the indoor parking lot to the elevator. He observes Andy's relaxed, almost careless gait as they walk; for all purposes, the younger man appears not the least bit tense or wary of this situation he has created. Exactly what situation it is, even Junjin cannot say. He has no idea what is going on anymore.
Junjin hesitates outside the elevator doors. He hates this feeling of being left out of the loop, of getting into something unknown. But Andy looks at him with questioning innocence - as if the bastard does not realise how Junjin must be feeling right now and why - and he grits his teeth and steps inside. The ride up to Andy's floor is silent, tense and agonisingly long in the small, cramped place. The older man keeps his eyes fixed on the bright illuminated digits of the panel, his mind filled with questions and constantly aware of his companion's presence. Out of the corner of his eyes, he catches Andy's reflection and sees his thoughtful eyes locked on Junjin, and Junjin forces himself not to look around. He is not sure he wants to know what it all means right now.
He breathes a sigh of relief when the elevator dings and opens, glad to be able to step away from the current bane of his existence. As quickly as it has disappeared, his nervousness comes rushing back though, when Andy unlocks his apartment door. He smiles lightly at Junjin, inviting him inside, and the latter gives a strained smile in response before obliging.
It is not his first time at Andy's place. All of Shinhwa had come over when Andy had first moved into this flat, under the pretense of holding a housewarming ceremony, but mainly just to take a break from their busy schedules and party together, just the six of them. Junjin has been back a couple of times since then, but always with one or two other members. Never alone.
The apartment still looks almost the same as he remembers. Quite obviously a bachelor's home, but comfortably airy and always with that touch of Andy's need for cleanliness and organisation - nearly everything is stacked neatly in place, his shelves lined with books and his collection of DVDs and music, and there is not a speck of litter on the floor. As Junjin ventures further inside, he is greeted by the sound of barking and a small white Maltese comes rushing at him from across the sitting room.
His tense face automatically relaxes in a grin and he kneels down to scoop up the little dog. 'Long time no see, Fany,' he chuckles, craddling her fondly. She licks his face enthusiastically and then suddenly stops before craning her head around Junjin; she starts barking again, tail wagging and leaps out of Junjin's arms.
He chuckles as she dashes towards Andy. 'Realised it wasn't your daddy, eh?'
Andy laughs as he shrugs out of his jacket and puts away his keys before picking up his dog. 'Fany-yah, you remember Uncle Junjin, right? Keep him company for me, hmm? While I get some food ready.'
Junjin is a little stunned when Andy presses Fany into his arms. 'Make yourself comfortable. I got some beer and soju in the fridge, if you want some. You're OK with jjajangmyeon, right? Or jjajangbap?'
'Uh ... whichever,' Junjin stammers, abruptly realising that Andy had been entirely serious about the two of them having dinner. Just not in the way Junjin had imagined it to happen.
Andy disappears into the kitchen and Junjin remains frozen in the middle of the sitting room for several seconds. Fany squirms in his arms and licks his fingers, bringing him back to the present. Shaken out of his reverie, Junjin gently places her on the sofa where she curls up on the armrest.Uunceremoniously dropping his bag and jacket on the floor, he hurries after Andy.
'Wow,' he cannot help saying, seeing that Andy has already brought out the pots and saucepans, and started up the stove. 'You weren't kidding...'
Andy glances briefly at him as he puts the water onto boil. 'Of course not.'
Junjin hesitates a little. 'You know, we ... we could've just gone out. Would've saved you the trouble of doing all this.'
This time, Andy does not look at him as he rifles through his fridge. 'I don't mind cooking. Besides ... this gives us more privacy.'
Junjin says nothing. Andy straightens up, a container of kimchi in one hand and a beer in the other. Nudging the fridge door close with his heel, he holds out the can to Junjin who takes it wordlessly with a nod of thanks. Andy nods towards the sitting room.
'Go sit down and relax. Watch TV or something. I won't take too long.'
'Right...' he mumbles, fidgeting awkwardly. 'Y'know, I'd offer to help-'
'Jin, it's fine.' This time Andy actually steps up close, startling Junjin a little, and physically pushes him out of his kitchen with a gentle shove.
'Besides, I like my kitchen as it is, disaster-free,' he teases out of the blue, his eyes twinkling with that old spark of mischief. Junjin feels his heart expand with unexpected warmth at the sight of it, his tension miraculously lessening in the face of Andy's familiar perkiness. He cannot say why it is making him feel this way, but Junjin suddenly feels hope rising within him, that somehow it is possible for Andy and him to go back to how things were before - almost.
Andy is still smiling at him and Junjin smiles back, genuinely this time. He watches as Andy turns back to what he was doing for a few seconds and then heads back into the sitting room, feeling considerably lighter than before.
Perhaps all is not lost, after all.
~***~
'Jin-ah...'
With a low grown, Junjin nuzzles his head deeper into the warm softness beneath him, trying to block out the annoying caller disturbing his slumber.
'Jinnie, come on.' The voice grows more insistent.
'Go away,' he mumbles, waving a hand limply as if to swat away the enemy of his sleep.
'Choongjae-yah,' the voice sounds right in his ear this time, low and deep and almost threatening. 'If you want to sleep, go die on your own sofa, not mine.'
The proximity of the voice and the feel of hot breath on his skin awaken Junjin as effectively as a bucket of ice doused on him. With a start, he rolls over in panic and yelps as he suddenly plunges down.
THUD.
The fall is cruelly short and he groans in pain, winded, as he lands face down on what he realises is the floor. His memories awaken then and he groggily remembers - oh yeah, he had been sprawled on Andy's sofa the whole time -
Wait.
'Shit!' Arms wrap around him from behind, one around his waist and the other his shoulders, and Junjin is gently heaved up into a kneeling position. A warm torso presses against his back. 'You OK, Jin?'
Junjin blinks, still a little dazed. 'Er...'
'I didn't think you'd fall off the damn sofa. You didn't hit your head, did you? Concussion?'
'Wha - I'm fine ... I think.' He gives his head a little shake, trying to rid himself of the lingering dizziness and sleep. His head aches a little. 'Just a little disoriented...'
Junjin's vision clears and he looks around blearily, taking in the empty beer can he left standing on the coffee table, the variety program still blaring on the TV and then Andy's concerned eyes peering anxiously into his face over Junjin's shoulder from just inches away, his chest still pressing lightly against Junjin's back -
Oh.
With an involuntary flinch, the older man almost falls over forward in his hurried scramble to get to his feet. 'I-I'm OK.'
Andy's supporting arms fall off his waist and shoulders as Junjin leaps up. Ignoring the older man's belated (and blatantly alarmed) reaction, Andy straightens to his feet and gives him a relieved smile.
'That's good. I was afraid I'd have to drag your ass to the hospital at this time of night and all my food and hard work would've gone to waste.'
Junjin is not sure if he should be glad about Andy's light hearted jokes or wary of this whole nonchalant act. Andy must clearly be aware of Junjin's discomfiture around him, not to mention the reason for it - and yet, this whole uncaring air and all the friendly smiles and even the blasé touching and skinship ... just what is Andy trying to tell him?
He has been ignoring the thought for a while, but he cannot deny that it has crossed his mind more than once today, especially with how Andy had been around him during the tour rehearsal. Can Andy possibly be...? Junjin entertains the possibility for less than a second before utterly disregarding it. No, it cannot be that. He is pretty damn sure that Andy does not return his feelings. He has paid enough attention to the other lately to know that much, at least. Heck, even knowing about Junjin's unnatural and one-sided feelings must surely be extremely discomforting for him.
The other thought that strikes Junjin then is far more disturbing and even unlikelier. He immediately pushes it out of his mind. If there is one thing that all these years of friendship have taught Junjin about Andy, it is that his friend is one of the kindest and most caring souls he has ever had the good fortune of knowing. On that basis alone, it is impossible that Andy is ... teasing him. Testing his boundaries ... seeing how far he can push Junjin, now that he knows his little secret...
No, hisses that little voice inside his head vehemently, Andy would never do such a cruel thing.
Never.
'So, food?'
Junjin silences the chaotic thoughts in his mind and nods. Taking a breath, he pulls on the sort of bright smile that the old Junjin would have. Because, whatever Andy's motives may be right now, Junjin does not want this situation to grow into an even bigger mess. If Andy can still treat him like he has always done, with that same warmth and kindness, then Junjin wants to do the same - for the sake of their friendship that has held fast for half of their lives, if nothing else.
Because, he muses to himself as he follows Andy to his small dining table, despite the trying times they have faced, the obstacles that have come between them and the years they have spent as members supposedly awkward with each other - in the end, when it comes right down to it, they are and always have been friends. In their own way, be it in front of cameras or away from prying eyes, they have supported each other and cared for each other and tried for each other. Whatever it is they have between them, it is just as significant and precious as what they have with the others. In the long run, that is all that matters, and what is worth salvaging in the ruins Junjin has created between them.
And Junjin will salvage it - their friendship - no matter what it takes. He cannot - will not - lose Andy like this, over his own unnatural desires and unwanted feelings. They are not worth that.
Nothing is worth losing Andy.
~***~
'This is fucking delicious!'
Andy smiles rather wryly as he takes another swig from his bottle of soju. 'You swore. I'm flattered.'
'I just paid you a compliment and what makes you happy is that I swore?' Junjin asks, not looking up from his plate as he happily scoops up another helping of jjajangmyeon with his chopsticks.
'If there's one thing I've learnt from the hyungs, it's that I'm not doing it right unless it makes you guys swear your mouths off,' Andy replies with an amused grin.
Junjin snorts and helps himself to more kimchee. 'Fuck you and your fucking cooking.'
Andy laughs and jokes back, 'I'm blushing, stop it you.'
The older man shrugs and goes back to eating, unable to hide his grin. He is not really sure when their dinner conversation began or how it has escalated to this nonsense - it is the soju, maybe - but he is not complaining. Whatever is to be blamed, he is quite grateful for it, in fact. The atmosphere is easygoing and comfortable, and Junjin is actually enjoying having dinner with Andy.
It also does help that the food truly is "fucking delicious". Andy had whipped up not only jjajangmyeon, but also some plain rice, which he had then proceeded to mix in with his portion of the noodles. (Junjin had asked why Andy had not simply just made jjajangbap since he obviously prefers rice, and Andy had replied that he had thought Junjin would like noodles better.) Junjin had tried the blend himself and liked it, even more so with the kimchee Andy had brought out. ('Rice is never complete without kimchee,' Andy had proclaimed seriously and Junjin had to agree with him on that one.)
Andy has also brought out a couple of bottles of soju, and though Junjin usually enjoys drinking, he has carefully kept himself in check so far, especially since he has already downed a beer earlier. It has not escaped his mind the real reason he is here, in spite of the carefree mood between them. Andy has obviously brought him over for something, and though Junjin is renowned for being able to hold his liquour, he wants to be entirely in his right mind when faced with whatever Andy will throw at him. But he has to admit that the few cups of soju he has allowed himself have indeed relaxed him.
Andy pushes the little pot with the last of the jjajangmyeon towards him. 'Wanna finish that off?'
'Tempting ... but hell, I'm full.'
The younger makes a face. 'Me, too. It'd be a pity to waste it, though.'
'...Share?'
Andy breaks into a smile. 'Deal.'
The both of them end up digging their chopsticks into the noodles at the same time. Perhaps it is the old unspoken memory of the time they all lived together in the dorms, when they had made food together to share and ended up playfully fighting over who would get the biggest portion and the last bite - but one clash of their chopsticks against each other's is all it takes before Junjin and Andy burst out laughing and fighting with their chopsticks over the last of the noodles.
'Back off, that piece is from my side!'
'Oops, too late.' Andy stuffs it in his mouth and grins provocatively as he chews.
Junjin shoots him a glare and then, with a devilish smirk, scoops the rest of the noodles on Andy's side of the pot towards him with a single sweep of his chopsticks. With a furious 'Ey!' Andy fervently resumes the fight to win back his noodles. They end up standing and leaning over the table on their elbows, shovelling the jjajangmyeon into their mouths as fast as they can as they raced against each other to get the last bite, snorting and laughing along the way. Junjin thinks back to earlier days when such a situation used to be a six-way fight (well OK, mostly five. Hyesung was - still is - too dignified to chopstick-fight over food). Those times had certainly been messier and way more difficult, he thinks to himself.
He almost changes his mind when Andy suddenly shoves Junjin's chopsticks away so forcefully that bits of sauce went flying everywhere; with a wicked grin, he steals the slice of beef the latter has been aiming for. Growling under his breath, Junjin starts gathering up the few remaining noodles in vengeance.
'Last bite is mine, Andy-yah!'
'Just try it,' Andy challenges and proceeds to swiftly wrap the other end of the noodle strands around his own chopsticks.
They shove the jjajangmyeon in their mouths at the same time, shooting equally defiant glares at each other playfully. Junjin slurps in his mouthful forcefully, determined to get as many of the noodles as possible, but then - at the last moment, his heart starts pounding and Junjin realises that - what the bloody hell - they have taken in the same noodle strand, from opposite ends.
He stops dead, the exhilaration of the childish game suddenly dying inside him. Andy realises what has happened as well and stops, too, staring at Junjin with surprised eyes across the thin yellow strand connecting them over too short a distance. Had they not realised it and kept going ... Junjin does not want to imagine that.
In that split second, Junjin finds himself wondering what Andy is thinking. Does he find this situation - made classic by a freaking Disney cartoon of all things and found repetitively in frickin' dramas, not real life, damn it - as unbelievable as Junjin does? Or as unthinkable? Ridiculous? ...Fearful?
On any other day, in front of a camera or an audience, the old Junjin might have closed that tiny gap between them to make viewers scream with glee. Or, even without a camera or audience, he might still have closed that tiny gap just to tease Andy, to laugh at his reaction at being kissed through food, or to make fun of such an implausible fairytale circumstance actually happening.
Today is not any other day, though. Nor is he the Junjin he used to be.
He bites down, breaking off the noodle strand between them, and straightens slowly, forcing himself to stay calm. A sense of disappointment settles over him; it is strange and the feeling irks him. It is then he realises that he has actually been tempted to take it all the way - very much so. He looks away from the sight of Andy quietly slurping up the limp noodle hanging from his puckered mouth, feeling ashamed and disgusted with himself. Whatever amiability that has been between them before has vanished, giving way to the previous tension in the air.
'You win,' says Junjin with an awkward cough. He gathers up the empty pot and kimchee plate.
'Leave it. I'll do the dishes later,' says Andy.
Junjin puts them down wordlessly. Usually, he would offer to help with the washing up in exchange for the cooking, but right now, he just really wants to leave.
'Thanks for dinner. It was great. It's getting late, though...'
Andy crocks an eyebrow. 'I thought you were free tomorrow. Doesn't everyone have the day off?'
'Yeah,' says Junjin without thinking, and immediately regrets not lying.
'Great. Then you can stay a while longer.'
'Andy...'
'I brought you here so we could talk, Jin.'
Junjin shuts up at Andy's sudden bluntness. Right...
Andy clears his throat, now looking a little weird. 'I wanted us to have dinner and drink a bit so we could be a bit more comfortable ... but ...'
Yeah, Andy does not have to say it out loud, Junjin thinks to himself. His plan had been going perfectly well before unexpectedly backfiring. The two of them are anything but comfortable right now. All thanks to one noodle. Junjin inwardly snorts at the thought.
Clearing his throat again, Andy sits back down and looks expectantly at his guest. Giving in, Junjin slowly lowers himself into his chair as well. Ignoring his earlier inhibitions, he reaches for the soju bottle and his cup again. He is no longer sure he can do this completely sober.
'So?' Junjin prompts quietly when the silence continues to drag on. 'Shoot.'
Andy plays with his empty cup. 'To be honest, I'm not really sure where to start...'
Junjin heaves a heavy sigh and downs another cup of alcohol. 'Maybe,' he mutters, pouring out more soju again, 'I'm the one who should start.'
Andy looks up.
'Start by saying sorry,' Junjin continues, avoiding the other's eyes. He takes another long swig and shakes the hair out of his eyes. 'Sorry for this whole mess and for everything ... I was so stupid and I shouldn't have...'
'Jin,' Andy interrupts, his voice surprisingly gentle. 'I'm not looking for an apology.'
Junjin hesitates for a few seconds, wondering how to respond. 'Then what? What do you want to talk about?'
'Just...' Andy runs a hand through his auburn hair, looking troubled. 'I guess ... maybe an explanation first. You ... I'm confused and -'
The older man winces a little, feeling stirrings of both shame and anger welling up inside him. An explanation? Hasn't his slip up during their confrontation yesterday made everything perfectly clear to Andy? Why does he need Junjin to come out and spell it out for him? It is almost like torture.
'What do you want me to say?' asks Junjin, his tone acerbic. 'You already know what my feeli - what my problem is.'
'Jin,' Andy begins, but the older man shakes his head angrily.
'Why do you need me to say it? This is already eating away at me every single day and I don't need you to -!'
'I don't want there to be more misunderstandings between us,' speaks up Andy forcefully, cutting across Junjin. 'I don't want to be left with just some half-assed idea of what the problem between us is. I don't want to have to fill in the gaps by myself without knowing the whole truth. I don't want this to get any worse.'
Junjin glares at him, fists clenched. More than angry, he is just hurt. Hurt that Andy is forcing him into this. 'You want me to spell out the truth for you? Fine! I have feelings for you! Satisfied?' Breathing hard, he looks away stonily. 'But you already knew that.'
Andy is silent for several seconds. Junjin refuses to look at him.
Finally, the younger man ventures softly, 'I'm sorry, Jin, if this came across as my hurting you. That was never my intention. I just wanted to know the truth once and for all -'
'Now you do.'
'- and to understand.'
Junjin blinks and looks around, taken aback. 'Understand ... what?'
Andy bites his lower lip. 'I don't know. You. This. Like, how could it have...?'
Junjin smiles mirthlessly and looks away again. 'I've been asking myself that every day. Even I don't know. It just ... happened. And not just overnight. It happened.'
His words take a few seconds to sink in and Andy's eyes widen a little. He wrings his hands together uncertainly. 'How ...' It takes a moment for him to force the words out. 'How long ... have you...?' He cannot finish.
Junjin lowers his gaze to the tabletop. 'It's been a while,' he finally admits, his voice just above a whisper.
He himself has lost count of the days. He has just simply fallen for Andy. That is all there is to it. He wants him, in a way he has never wanted another man before. The thought brings back the ringing shame and disappointment in himself again and he tries to empty his mind. It is nigh impossible though, when he sees Andy staring at him from across the table.
The silence drags on between them again, longer this time. However, the tension has dissipated a bit, the atmosphere between them not as charged as it has been all day. Somewhere deep down, Junjin feels an unexpected lightness, as if directly confessing everything has relieved him of his burden somewhat. He breathes in and closes his eyes, waiting for Andy to break the silence.
At long last, Andy finally says, his voice soft, 'So, this is why you've been so distant around me. But why?'
Junjin's eyes fly open. His mouth slackens a bit. 'I ...' He frowns a little, his cheeks growing hot. 'I ... I guess I was afraid. I didn't want you to find out.'
'What did you think would happen if I knew the truth?'
It is a hard question to answer. On one hand, he has been so terrified of Andy hating him and turning him away; that has been his biggest fear. But it is not only that. He has also been scared of himself, of what his feelings meant. To feel something so sinful and wrong, to long for Andy like this - it goes against his very being, and what he has thought he knew about himself all his life.
'Did you think I'd hate you for it?' Andy suddenly asks perceptively. Junjin winces involuntarily, confirming his answer. Andy leans forward a little, his eyes dark and earnest. 'Jin ... you idiot. You should know by now that I will never hate you. None of us will. We're brothers forever.'
The words ring with comfort, but somehow, they only make Junjin feel worse. With a groan, he buries his head in his arms. 'It's not only that, Andy-yah.'
'Tell me. Please.'
Taking a shuddering breath, he lifts his head. 'This was never supposed to be your burden to bear. It's my problem, this sick feeling -'
'Do you really think it's sick? Wrong?'
Junjin is a little shocked. There is a sharp edge to Andy's eyes as he gazes at him, demanding an answer.
'Isn't it?' Junjin finally breathes. 'You said it yourself, we're like brothers. You're my friend. I shouldn't feel this way. All my life, I've never - not once ... and just suddenly ...' He shakes his head. 'This is not me, it's never been me. This goes against everything I've ever believed in.'
Andy frowns thoughtfully. 'Y'know, Jin, I understand that our society is ... er, a bit conservative about this. But I've spent the first half of my life abroad and ... well, this is not ...' Andy appears to be searching for the right words, 'this is not something ... new to me. I've seen this, I've been exposed to it and ... It - it doesn't make me hate you. And ... you shouldn't hate yourself, either.'
The older man gives him a pained look, realising what Andy is trying to say: to accept and be at peace with the fact that Junjin likes men. But Andy has not heard the whole of it. Junjin does not know where he gets the courage, but next thing he knows, he is blurting,
'I'm not attracted to other men, Andy...'
Andy falls silent at the confession and Junjin fingers the rim of his soju cup, his face burning. It is not just that he is not attracted to other men, but rather he is not attracted to anyone right now. Except the man in front of him. It is actually a familiar situation for Junjin; every time he has truly fallen in love with a woman, all other females just paled into insignificance for him. No one else matters. But Andy does not need to know that.
As for his sexual orientation, Junjin does not really know what to think of himself anymore. He wonders how likely it is to fall for one man without liking men in general; it seems quite unlikely, to be honest. Maybe he is now discovering that he likes both women and men, and it just so happens that he has fallen for Andy already, so he is not the least bit attracted to anyone else right now, be it a man or a woman. Is that possible? He wonders anxiously.
Whatever the case may be, he knows one thing for sure. He cannot allow his feelings for Andy to endure. They can never be.
'I see...' When Andy speaks up at last, there is a slight waver to his voice that was not there before. There is a flustered look in his normally calm eyes and it takes a moment for him to meet Junjin's gaze. The older man wonders if, with his last words, Andy has finally got a real inkling as to the degree to which Junjin's feelings extends for him. Clearing his throat, Andy asks quietly, 'So ... what do you want us to do?'
Us?
Junjin exhales slowly, willing himself to stay calm. 'There is nothing for us to do, Andy. Just me. Like I said before, this is my burden to bear, not yours. You were never supposed to be involved.'
Andy's eyes flare a bit. 'But I am involved now, aren't I? What am I supposed to do, just ignore that -?!'
'Yes, ignore,' snaps Junjin. 'You know the truth, but just ignore it. Pretend none of this ever happened. That will make it easier for me to get over it -'
'Jin, I never demanded that you get over this!'
'I never said you did,' Junjin hisses, 'Then what are you suggesting, that I just live with these one-sided feelings for the rest of my life?!'
'No, I -' Andy begins to look confused and troubled again. 'That's not it...'
'Then what?' Junjin is exasperated. 'See, this is why I never wanted you to find out. I didn't want you to think you're obligated to share this burden or - God forbid - pity me and think that you have to return my feelings -'
'Why are you making all these presumptions about me all on your own?' Andy's voice rises.
'Because I know you don't feel about me that way!' Junjin bursts out.
'You never even asked -'
'And if I did?' Junjin stands up. 'If I looked you in the eyes right now and asked if you can love me back - then what?'
Andy stares up at him with wide eyes, his mouth slightly open. He cannot speak.
Junjin sighs. 'You see?' he says, gentle now. 'I know. And you don't have to beat yourself up over this. You don't owe me anything, no obligations and no apologies.'
'Choongjae...' Andy slowly rises to his feet, but Junjin holds up a hand.
'No, listen to me, Sunho. I know you're worried about me. And maybe you feel like you need to take some responsibility for this because you think it's unfair that I have to deal with everything alone.' From the shadow that crosses Andy's eyes, Junjin knows he has guessed correctly. 'But it's not like that. It's not your fault. And I ... I'll learn to deal with it. You don't owe me anything. I'm not asking anything of you.'
'You can say that,' Andy says quietly, leaning his palms on the table heavily. 'But that won't make it any easier. How can I pretend nothing's happened when I know you're hurting because of me?'
'Don't, Andy,' Junjin says seriously. 'Don't. It's not your fault and you know that. I just wish I'd dealt with this better. And I'm sorry for -'
'Don't you dare apologise for your feelings,' Andy shoots at him. 'It's ... it's not wrong, Jin, whatever you may think. I'm just...'
'If you're going to say you're sorry because you can't return my feelings, I swear I'll stab you through both eyes with your own chopsticks and then some.'
Andy chuckles at the superfluous threat and Junjin smiles back wryly.
'... But ... there is just one thing I want to ask of you, though.'
The younger man looks up, his face open and earnest. 'Anything.'
Junjin bites his lips and looks down, unable to make eye contact. For a second, he fears he may start crying. 'Please just ... don't ever stop being my friend. Don't hate me, please...' I can't bear it.
His shoulders tremble and his vision blurs a little, his heart heavy with the plea he has put in that one request. Suddenly, he feels himself being turned around. Arms come around him and next thing he knows, Andy is holding him firmly to him, his gentle hands stroking his back and fingers curling into his hair.
'Choongjae, you idiot ... Never, OK? I promise.'
The tears finally escape his eyes and Junjin gives in. Fisting his hands into the small of Andy's back, he buries his face in his shoulder and tries to contain the sobs that wreck his body. Andy hugs him tighter, whispering soothingly in his ear.
'It'll be OK. You hear me? We've always made it through. We'll be OK...'
Junjin does not know for how long they stay like that. His eyes eventually dry and his heart starts feeling lighter. He allows the moment to linger a little more, absorbing Andy's warmth and his gentleness and his subtle scent, before finally pulling away. He feels a sense of loss as Andy steps back, but reminds himself that he has just made both of them the promise to get over this. He has to let go.
Andy's eyes are kind as he looks up at Junjin. 'I have one request to make of you too, Jinnie.'
'Yeah?' Junjin tries not to look too self-conscious as he would-be-carelessly wipes a hand over the tear tracks on his cheeks.
'Please don't avoid me again. I understand everything now, but ... please. You said you want things to go back to the way they were. I've been trying all along to do just that. Do the same for me.'
Suddenly, Andy's nonchalant air, his friendliness and the occasional skinship that have been troubling Junjin all this time suddenly make sense. Junjin smiles softly. 'OK.'
'Good.'
~***~
It is with an easier air between them that they finally move on from the long overdue talk. Despite the late hour, Junjin stubbornly insists on helping with the dishes and Andy dryly jokes that if he broke even one, he would have to buy an entire new set. They manage to get through the task with no ceramic casualties and Junjin finally picks up his jacket and bag, ready to leave.
'I'll drop you off?' Andy offers.
'That's OK, it's late.'
'Jin ... I drove you here, remember?'
Junjin frowns. 'Oh, right. Damn it. Why didn't I just bring my car?'
Andy snorts. 'Guess I'm driving you. Wait, I'll get my jacket.'
'Then you're also driving me to the studio tomorrow so I can pick up my damn car,' barks Junjin after Andy.
'We have managers for a reason, Choongjae.'
'It's our day off tomorrow and, if you recall, it wasn't my freaking manager who made me leave my car behind!'
'All right, fine. Pshh.'
Still bickering, they leave. Junjin registers the comforting familiarity of this atmosphere between them. He still has deep feelings for Andy and he knows they will not be easy to overcome, but as Andy shoves him with his shoulder in retaliation for Junjin's snide remark about Andy's car sucking in comparison to Junjin's, he thinks that he certainly does not want to lose this. Having these feelings for Andy and struggling to forget them may be extremely painful right now, but he sure as heck would much rather endure that pain than that of losing Andy forever. And now that they have promised to never let go of their friendship, no matter what - especially Andy's acceptance of Junjin tonight - he knows he can get through this more easily.
At least, that is what he believes all the way home, until Andy pulls up outside his apartment block and they see a couple passionately making out right outside.
'Pssh, exhibitionists,' mutters Junjin, rolling his eyes as he unbuckles his seatbelt.
'I thought you were OK with public displays of affection?' remarks Andy, his tone teasing.
'Whatever the hell gave you that idea,' retorts Junjin, resisting the urge to stick his tongue out childishly. 'I'll have you know I'm a gentleman to the core -' He stops talking, his eyes locked on the couple outside. Raising his eyebrows, Andy looks around as well. He stills, his grip tightening on the steering wheel.
The couple kissing before them are two men.
Under any other circumstance, Junjin might have just raised an eyebrow and simply moved on, thinking nothing of it. But right now, considering the events and conversations of the day, doing that is a little impossible. Andy seems to be feeling slightly awkward, too. His grip on the wheel has still not loosened.
Finally, the couple in front of the building becomes aware that they have company. They break apart and identical looks of embarrassment and panic cross their faces when they see the car and the two passengers. Junjin quickly looks away as they quickly part ways, one going inside the building and the other down the pavement. He wonders if things will continue to be like this in the future: him and Andy being quite normal until they both come across something that alludes to Junjin having feelings for Andy. He cringes inwardly.
'Thanks for the ride, Andy. I'll see you later.' Junjin makes to open the door, but stops when Andy quietly says,
'Jin ... can I ask something? Just ... out of curiosity.'
'What?'
'You don't have to answer if you don't want to...' Andy trails off and Junjin stares at him, puzzled. Andy hesitates, then nods at where the couple had been. 'You know, we've ... pretty much done stuff like that. Among the members, I mean. Just for the hell of it...'
Oh no. Junjin resigns himself to answering an extremely awkward question. '...Yeah?'
'We certainly don't act like that with women, except girlfriends.'
'What's your point?' mumbles Junjin. He can suspect where Andy is going with this.
'So, I'm just wondering ... being like that with men so much, though we were just doing it playfully, is it possible to...?'
It's almost funny that Andy is asking the first thing Junjin had asked himself when he had first realised his feelings for Andy: was it all the skinship between men that had made Junjin "confused" about his orientation? Is such a thing possible?
'I don't know,' replies Junjin shortly, but truthfully. 'Have you ever felt like that?'
'I don't know. I've never really thought of it like that, actually.'
'Mm.' Junjin decides it is not a good idea to mention that only kissing Andy has been giving him butterflies lately, not any of the other members. 'Is that all?' He makes to open the door again.
'Can I try?' Andy blurts out.
Junjin freezes, his fingers already on the handle. 'What ... do you mean?'
'Can I try something ... with you? Only if you're OK with it...'
Slowly, almost unwillingly, Junjin turns to face him. Andy's face is expressionless, but Junjin recognises the nervousness - almost fear - in his dark eyes as he quietly watches Junjin, waiting for his answer. There is uncertainty there, too, and apprehension.
A bad feeling comes over him and Junjin has to force himself to ask, 'What's that?'
'I ... I just want to try...' Andy hesitates for the longest moment, and this time, his discomfort is written all over his face, but it is with a quiet determination that he meets Junjin's eyes. Without another word, he unbuckles his seat belt and deliberately leans towards Junjin. Bringing their faces within inches of each other, Andy does not break eye contact, but Junjin sees his nervousness and embarrassment increasing.
Andy pauses, tilting his face just the slightest, and what he is asking of Junjin becomes alarmingly clear. Honestly, it not only shocks Junjin, but scares him as well. He gapes at Andy, confused and at a loss for words. Unwittingly, his eyes dip to Andy's parted lips; his mouth goes dry and a lump forms in his throat. He cannot speak, but Andy seems to have taken Junjin's silence as consent. Before he can react, Andy closes the distance between them, placing a hand on Junjin's neck to pull him closer.
The first touch is light and soft, just barely there; similar to the swift kisses they often shared between members for fanservice. But in that moment, it nearly makes Junjin's heart leap to his throat, his skin burning hot. He almost pulls away, feeling his heart beginning to pound already, but soon he realises that his hell has just begun. Andy presses closer, weaving his fingers through Junjin's hair to tug him forward. His lips move softly over his, testing and experimenting, and then grows bold, more aggressive. He pulls Junjin even closer, coaxing his lips to part and kisses him even more deeply. His thoughts in chaos, Junjin squeezes his eyes shut and allows Andy to do as he pleases. He finds himself giving in slightly, responding a little to Andy's insistent mouth.
Then, a warm tongue presses between his lips and Junjin comes undone.
In all their years together, in all their teasing and pranks, this is a boundary that has never been crossed. They have always known their limits, where to draw the line and respect it, but this - this is a leap that cannot be unmade. There is no going back with this.
'Sunho,' gasps Junjin, his breath heaving, but Andy pulls him back, sliding his tongue into his mouth and twisting Junjin's very being with his sensual ministrations. All his control and logical thoughts give way to his repressed desires and Junjin wraps his arm around Andy, fervently kissing him back, losing himself in the battle for dominance. Andy bites down lightly and Junjin moans a little, swiping his tongue across Andy's bottom lip. He tilts his head, wanting to taste his lips from every angle -
HONK.
They leap apart, startled, as a van goes rushing past their car. Junjin leans back in his seat, chest heaving, and a glance to the side reveals that Andy is as breathless as him, if not more. The younger man does not look up, his eyes locked on the dashboard, and even in the darkness, Junjin can make out the high colour on his cheeks. Neither of them speaks for several seconds.
Junjin clears his throat. His lips are still tingling from the attention Andy has paid them and his heart still feels like a horse galloping on steroids. 'Uh...'
Andy breathes in, still avoiding his eyes. 'Yeah ... I just ...'
'...Wanted to try.'
Andy winces a little. 'Uh ... mm.'
When there is no elaboration coming forth from the younger, Junjin mumbles, looking straight ahead, 'Well ... was it a good idea, then?'
There is no reply.
'... Good night, Andy.' Junjin grabs his bag and quickly climbs out of the car. He has barely shut the door when Andy revs his engine and tears away from the curb.
Junjin watches until the headlights disappear round the corner.
So ... where does it go from here?
~tbc~
A/N: So ... yeah ... /dies/
NEXT