Boundaries - Part 3
Title: Boundaries (part three)
Pairing: Junjin/Andy, JinDy
Genre: Bordeline Angst, Drama, Fluff, Friendship, Romance
Warnings: Coarse language
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He wonders when the line between what is forbidden and what is not became so blurred that he can no longer tell the difference. The difference between loving this man in front of him as his brother ... or something much much more.
Notes: After much writer's block, here's part three. I have a love/hate relationship with this chapter. Can't say I'm not happy with it, though XD
Previous: Part Two
BOUNDARIES - PART 3
‘So.’
Junjin looks up flatly at the narrow-eyed man towering over him, but does not bother to get up from where he is sitting huddled against the mirrored wall of their practice room.
‘So?’ he repeats dully.
Hyesung sighs and rolls his eyes. ‘So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong or do I have to wring it out of you?’ he asks dryly as he slides down against the mirror to sit beside Junjin.
‘How are you going to “wring it out”, hyung? Go all taekwondo on me?’ Junjin retorts, his voice more irritable than he means it to be.
Rather than taking offense, Hyesung’s face contorts into a victorious smirk. ‘So there is something wrong.’
‘Wha - I never -’ Junjin sputters furiously, but gives up with a scowl when Hyesung shoots him a very pointed look. Sighing, he draws up his knees closer to his chest and rests his elbows on them, leaning his head back against the wall.
Hyesung nudges him gently with his shoulder. ‘Come on, Jinnie. You’ve been acting off for the past few days. And today’s practice was a disaster, frankly speaking.’
‘You don’t have to remind me.’
‘Since when do you forget the choreography, snap at the members and lash out at Andy?’
‘Are you going to keep rubbing this in my face, hyung, or -?’
‘I’m just worried about you. Talk to me, Jin.’
Junjin sighs. He cringes inwardly as he thinks back to earlier that afternoon.
~***~
It has been a few days since that little “incident” (for lack of a better term) between him and Andy, and he has been feeling nothing but jittery around the other man since then. Wreaked with nervousness and a kind of mind numbing terror, he has spent the past days torn between avoiding Andy like the plague and wanting to find out once and for all if Andy truly knows of Junjin’s feelings.
It is impossible to tell. Andy and that enigmatic mind of his are as readable as a doctor’s prescription scrawl, as Junjin likes to think of it.
It is not like Andy has been acting particularly different around Junjin since that day, either. He greets him with a smile every morning, does not hesitate to sit next to him during Shinhwa activities and meetings, and even spent the majority of one very drunk evening at the bar sprawled all over Junjin (a very tense and suddenly-sober Junjin) while giggling at a drunken Hyesung getting all touchy feely with Dongwan.
There is barely a hint to suggest that Andy feels uncomfortable around him, the little voice in his head tries to reassure him every so often.
But - he may be just imagining things considering the mental state he is in, but - Junjin can swear that sometimes, something is just not right in the way Andy looks at him now. Like a shadow that flits across his eyes so fast that no one can see it, Junjin can never quite put his finger on exactly what it is, but it is definitely there, boring into him through Andy’s piercing gaze. He thinks he catches glimpses of it every now and then, like when he tries to step away when Andy is too close to his liking and Andy notices what he is doing; or when his eyes helplessly wander over to Andy and Andy catches him staring; or when Junjin deliberately ignores Andy trying to get his attention and he knows that Andy knows that Junjin is ignoring him...
He does not know what that look in Andy’s eyes is supposed to mean. He does not know a single bloody thing about what Andy thinks of him now - or feels about him - and it drives him crazy, this not knowing.
What screws him over even more is the fear of knowing, of finding out, because if he does, what then? Where should he go from there?
It is nerve-wrecking, being this indecisive, strung up, fretful person that he has become - dreading group schedules because Andy is there, and then feeling relieved but wistful during solo/private time because Andy is not there ... Junjin has become a complete mess of a person, and he himself knows it.
This is what led to the disastrous practice session they had that day. Junjin’s mind had been elsewhere - mostly on the dancing individual behind him - and, to everyone’s surprise, he had made mistakes in literally every single choreography they went though. Even the ones they have bone-driven and perfected for more than a decade.
Two hours and Junjin’s seventeenth missed cue later, Minwoo had turned off the music and turned to him with a frown.
‘Jin, focus, will you.’
‘I’m trying, hyung, OK,’ Junjin had replied, his voice snappy from frustration.
‘No, you’re not,’ Minwoo retorted, eyes narrowed to slits. ‘T.O.P, Jin? You don’t make six mistakes in T. fucking O. P. after fifteen years of repeating that goddamn choreo, a’right! You’re a main dancer and you’re not concentrating, what’s even the point of rehearsing for a tour then?’
High tempers, stress and dissatisfaction on both sides - there had almost been a row before Eric quickly intervened (‘You, lighten up; we’re all nervous for the tour, OK. And you, go clear your head and get your act together’) and suggested they call it a day. They had stopped, agreed, and made up (sort of).
That is when the rest of the afternoon had gone to hell: Eric had led away Minwoo to sit and calm down when Dongwan and Andy had stepped up to Junjin. Dongwan gave him a one-armed squeeze and asked what was bothering him, but Junjin’s attention was focussed on Andy, who was right in front of him. Looking up with gentle concerned eyes, Andy had wordlessly raised a face towel and lightly pressed it against the side of Junjin’s face, wiping away the perspiration and it was all just so normal and sincere and earnestly affectionate and Junjin just...
Andy is the cause of all that has happened, the reason why Junjin has lost what feels like every last bit of reason and sensibility, and Junjin just ... he just ... he could not handle having Andy there right then, in his personal space, taunting him with those caring eyes and adding fuel to the fires burning underneath his heated skin.
‘Don’t!’ Junjin’s voice, louder than he realised, had rung through the practice room and everyone had seen how he snapped his head away, placed his hand on Andy’s chest and pushed him back. ‘Don’t touch me!’
Andy had stared, mouth slightly open and his hand still raised up, the towel hanging limply from his fingers.
‘What’s wrong -?’
‘I said don’t. I can take care of myself, a’right,’ Junjin had snapped, stepping away from Andy’s reaching fingers, and a heavy silence fell over the room. No one moved a muscle.
What happened afterwards is all a blur to Junjin. He now only remembers the look in Andy’s eyes - shock and bewilderment, and then finally hurt - and how the younger man had turned his back on him and walked away, while Dongwan and Hyesung hastily raised the call that everyone should just go home and rest before the next practice. Junjin had stood there, unable to move as it had slowly dawned on him what he had just done, and when he desperately sought Andy again, the last thing he had seen was the cold look - laced with hurt, anger and something poisonous - Andy had thrown at him over his shoulder before he stormed out of the room.
The rest of the members and their dance team had slowly followed Andy out. Minwoo had shaken his head at Junjin and sighed, ‘Dude, that was not cool,’ on his way out, and Eric had given his shoulder a brief squeeze (which, in Eric language, meant that he should pull himself together) and a probing look (I’m here if you want to talk about it). Junjin had waited till everyone left before walking over to the mirrored wall and collapsing against it, resigning himself to a lonely afternoon filled with self-hatred and remorse...
...until Hyesung had come barging back in, nagging Mother-Bird-mode “ON” and demanding answers for his behaviour.
~***~
Hyesung nudges him now once more, prompting him to answer. ‘Jin ...? Please? I understand if you’d rather not talk about it, but ...’
Junjin leans his head back against the mirror, sighing heavily. Even if he was willing to talk about it, what the hell is he supposed to say? I think I have blatantly non-brotherly feelings and patently unwholesome thoughts about one of our members who is also a guy? And I’m afraid he suspects me? Junjin does not think any of his brothers will condemn him or anything, but something like this ... this is not a simple walk in the park.
‘Choongjae-yah -’
‘Hyung,’ Junjin interrupts, suddenly gripped by a thought. ‘How do you feel about Eric hyung?’
Hyesung gapes at him with wide eyes for several seconds, taken aback. ‘Well, that was unexpected,’ he finally mutters. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean,’ Junjin waves a hand limply, ‘what do you think about fans putting you with Eric hyung as a couple? How do you actually feel about him, in that context?’
Hyesung still looks surprised. ‘Er, well ... you know I don’t really like it much, the whole couple thing. Fans enjoy it, so we ... but I don’t particularly want to endorse the whole thing. But Eric - that bastard - has way too much fun with it,’ he adds, rolling his eyes. ‘I swear he keeps doing it just to piss me off.’
Junjin nods; he already knows this. ‘But it’s not like you actually hate him or anything.’
Hyesung smiles wryly. ‘No, I don’t. Mun JungHyuk is a creepy idiot from another planet I’d like to keep my distance from’ - Junjin stifles a chortle - ‘but he’s a good guy and we’ve been friends half of our lives and, well ... I do love him like a brother. Don’t ever tell him I said that, though. He’ll never stop rubbing it in my face,’ says Hyesung in a mock-irritated voice, which is invalidated by the look of fond amusement in his eyes.
Junjin smiles before growing serious. ‘I see. But ... hyung, can I ask you a hypothetical question?’ Before Hyesung can answer, he barrels on nervously, ‘If Eric hyung liked you for real, how would you answer him?’
‘I’m sorry, but what.’ Hyesung gives Junjin a look that suggests that the latter has just suddenly sprouted antennae. ‘Jinnie, you’re not serious?’
‘It - it doesn’t have to be Eric hyung. Just ... any of the members. Dongwan hyung, Minwoo hyung ... a guy ... if they suddenly said they liked you...’ Junjin trails off helplessly, cheeks burning with embarrassment and shame.
Hyesung is speechless for several moments. ‘I ... don’t know. I don’t really swing that way. And honestly, I don’t think Eric or any of the others do too, either...’ He pauses, frowning, before the light of comprehension suddenly dawns in his eyes. ‘Wait ... Choongjae-yah ... don’t tell me you -’
Junjin is just about to high tail it out of the room - because he is not quite ready for this turn in their conversation - but immediately freezes when the door of the practice room opens and two people walk inside.
‘Oh, you’re still here?’ Eric blinks at the two huddling figures by the mirrored wall. From behind him, a shorter familiar figure steps out.
Junjin wishes he could fade out of existence on the spot. Of all places and times, just why now?
‘We were just talking,’ replies Hyesung quickly, glancing anxiously at Junjin. ‘How come you’re back?’
‘Andy said he left his watch behind.’
Junjin focuses his gaze on the ground as Andy walks further in to the room. He tries to ignore the heat around his collar as, out of his peripheral vision, he sees Andy’s white sneakers coming closer and closer to him. His breath catches in his throat and he laces his fingers together nervously when Andy arrives right in front of him, but Andy continues onwards, walking right past Junjin till he reaches the corner of the room where he had previously placed his belongings.
‘Oh. Found it.’
‘Told you it’d be there,’ Eric shrugs, before looking contemplatively at the silent duo sitting against the mirrored wall. Hyesung meets his eyes and shakes his head a little, and Eric understands immediately. He nods.
‘Shall we leave then?’ he says to Andy light heartedly and Junjin, still looking at anywhere but him, prays that he will just go away with Eric quickly.
...As if.
Andy pauses, his white sneakers just barely intruding upon Junjin’s line of vision, and there is silence for a moment. The latter can almost hear his heart speeding up, the rush of blood pounding in his ears; he feels heavy, like he is being forced down by some substantial force, and he just knows that Andy’s eyes are boring into him right now.
‘Actually ... I think I’ll stay a while, hyung. There’s something I need to take care of.’
Eric frowns and Hyesung looks about to protest, but Andy silences them with a look. ‘A bit of privacy, please, hyungs?’
They waver for a moment, but then Eric agrees. Hyesung hesitates, looking worriedly down at his frozen dongsaeng, but then Junjin suddenly stands up, mouth set in a line. He wordlessly makes to follow Hyesung out of the room, but Andy’s quiet steely voice halts him,
‘Not you, Choongjae. Them.’
In that moment, Junjin thinks that he would have given anything for some divinely force to come and rescue him right then. Hyesung stops again, his face anxious, but Eric walks forward to lightly grab him by the wrist and pull him along. The sound of the door snapping shut behind them rings with some sort of finality and Junjin feels like he has been locked in the lion’s den, with one particularly angry lion ready to devour him.
He is suddenly hyper aware of Andy standing behind him, eyes burning a hole through the back of his skull and - this is ridiculous, everything about how he is feeling right now is ridiculous - but he is afraid to turn around and face Andy’s wrath. He is afraid that Andy will rip down all his layers of protection and facades to reveal his true self, his true feelings.
He is afraid to see the look of disgust and repulsion on Andy’s face if that were to ever happen.
‘...Well? Are you going to turn around or should I just talk to your back?’
Junjin exhales. Andy is angry, really angry.
He reluctantly turns around only to be faced with the other man’s fiery eyes barely a foot away. With a sharp intake of breath, Junjin automatically recoils, trying to put more distance between their bodies, and he swears that Andy’s eyes practically spit fire at his action.
‘What the fuck is your problem?’
Scratch what he thought before. Andy is not angry, he is goddamn livid.
It is not unusual for Andy to curse at his hyungs, but this is the first time he has sworn at Junjin with so much poison. The look in his eyes is the same one he shot at Junjin before leaving the practice room hours ago, but more furious ... more hurt.
‘Andy -’ Junjin begins, with no idea what to say, and inadvertently takes another step away from him, but Andy grabs him by the arm. With a sharp tug, he pulls Junjin back so they are standing nose to nose, Andy glaring up at him from inches away. His hot breath fans over Junjin’s lips and the latter feels his mouth tingling, from a sudden inappropriate memory of how Andy’s lips feel like...
He is jerked back to the present by Andy’s next words, ‘If you have a problem with me, just come right out and say it to my face, Jin.’
‘Damn it, Andy, let go. This has nothing to do with you,’ Junjin snaps, growing defensive. He tries to twist his arm free, but - damn - he keeps forgetting how strong Andy can be, especially now when his strength is driven by ire.
‘Like hell it doesn’t! Do you think I haven’t noticed how you’ve been acting around me for the past several days?’
Junjin stops dead and Andy loosens his grip a little.
‘You avoid me, you won’t look at me, and you barely talk to me, you’re afraid to stand within a fucking ten foot radius of me - do you think I’m blind?’
The tension in the room thickens in the silence that follows and Junjin feels himself shrinking under Andy’s judging gaze. The fingers around his arm tighten, refusing to let go.
Then finally, ‘...please, Sunho ... I can’t do this right now.’
Andy’s expression softens just a hint, but the hurt in his eyes is more prominent now, more intense. ‘No, Jin ... I’m tired of this. The way you’ve been acting these days and ... I tried, you know? I tried to be normal around you, I’ve been trying to talk and approach you, but you just keep ...’ Andy makes a noise that sounds like a cross between a sigh and a growl. ‘This is not going to solve itself if you won’t talk to me.’
‘I ...’ He is not ready for this. This confrontation is happening too soon, too fast. There are so many things he has not come to grasp yet. ‘Not now,’ Junjin finally says, his voice firm and as steely as Andy’s.
‘Not ever, you mean,’ Andy says quietly, his voice accusing. ‘You’re running away again, just like you’ve been avoiding me all this time.’
‘Look I told you it’s not your problem!’
‘And I’m calling you out on your bullshit!’
‘I just don’t want to talk about this. Why can’t you let it go already?!’
‘Because this is affecting not only you, but me and the rest of our team, and it was always our agreement that we’ll talk or fight out our problems and this thing right now is a fucking huge problem! Or is what happened today not proof enough of that?’
‘Then why don’t you punch me and get it over with!’ Junjin snarls, leaning forward threateningly.
‘Oh, Lord, help me -’ and, in that moment, Andy actually does pull his fist back and for a second, Junjin expects a winding blow to his gut, but it never comes.
They glare at each other, faces bare inches apart and both breathing harshly, and it is in that moment that Junjin realises how close to Andy he has come in their quarrel. The fire in his eyes die and he makes to quickly back away from the other man, but the fist Andy has pulled back comes forward to wrap around his neck, stopping him.
‘There you go again.’ Andy’s voice is soft this time. ‘Trying to run away...’
Junjin cannot answer, but only focuses on his beating heart which he thinks Andy will be able to hear, they are too close.
‘You never tried to push me away, Jin. Perhaps we’re not as close as you are with Hyesung hyung or ... whatever, but you’ve never been this distant.’
Junjin looks away from Andy’s probing eyes, instead focussing on the corner of his downturned mouth. He can feel his stomach transforming into that crazy bat cave again and that is all he needs to pull away from Andy, ripping his arm and neck free.
‘I have things to do,’ he says shortly, turning away.
Andy stares at him, jaw dropped. ‘Are you seriously ... GODDAMN IT, PARK CHOONGJAE!’
‘JUST DROP IT ALREADY!’
‘All I’m asking is for one answer and you freakin’ owe me this after how you’ve been treating me all this tim-!’
Something breaks inside Junjin. A mixture of anger, frustration, shame, self-hatred and the feelings he have for Andy - they all seem to come together, clashing like tidal waves in his heart, and he whips around furiously and grabs Andy by the waist and almost - almost - kisses him right then and there - How is that for an answer, Lee Sunho - but he catches himself at the last moment, one hand cupping Andy’s face and his lips just ever-so-slightly brushing against Andy’s mouth and -
There it goes. Shit hits the fan.
Because if Andy has not been suspicious of Junjin’s feelings towards him before, there is no way in Hell he can miss it now.
Andy looks up at him with wide eyes, piercing gaze boring into Junjin’s, and Junjin is at a loss for what to do, still holding Andy against him, his palm burning against Andy’s cheek and his lips still parted in their previous invitation, ghosting against Andy’s mouth...
Then finally,
‘... Jin ... do ... you like me...?’
~tbc~
A/N: I feel like I need to explain why I write Andy like this. I know not many people portray him that way.
I've come across Shinhwa members commenting several times that Andy cusses them out a lot, he playfully bullies them (this I've seen myself in videos/gifs etc LOL it's funny), he beats them up and is a lot stronger and tougher than most people think. (He's actually very strong. Watch last year's Invincible Youth episode's wrestling segment, guys :D)
I know it's very different from Andy's public dandy-shy-guy-cute-guy image, but I've seen these moments/heard the members remarking about this so many times, that I imagine Andy to be a really kindhearted guy with a subtle evil-maknae side - and also the type of person who does not take bullshit from anyone. If provoked enough, I imagine him to be someone that will tackle the problem head on. Andy himself mentioned on a show that if there is trouble between himself and the members, he is usually the first one to bring it up with them.
I hope that kind of explains Andy's actions in this chapter. ^^
PART FOUR
Pairing: Junjin/Andy, JinDy
Genre: Bordeline Angst, Drama, Fluff, Friendship, Romance
Warnings: Coarse language
Rating: PG-13
Summary: He wonders when the line between what is forbidden and what is not became so blurred that he can no longer tell the difference. The difference between loving this man in front of him as his brother ... or something much much more.
Notes: After much writer's block, here's part three. I have a love/hate relationship with this chapter. Can't say I'm not happy with it, though XD
Previous: Part Two
BOUNDARIES - PART 3
‘So.’
Junjin looks up flatly at the narrow-eyed man towering over him, but does not bother to get up from where he is sitting huddled against the mirrored wall of their practice room.
‘So?’ he repeats dully.
Hyesung sighs and rolls his eyes. ‘So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong or do I have to wring it out of you?’ he asks dryly as he slides down against the mirror to sit beside Junjin.
‘How are you going to “wring it out”, hyung? Go all taekwondo on me?’ Junjin retorts, his voice more irritable than he means it to be.
Rather than taking offense, Hyesung’s face contorts into a victorious smirk. ‘So there is something wrong.’
‘Wha - I never -’ Junjin sputters furiously, but gives up with a scowl when Hyesung shoots him a very pointed look. Sighing, he draws up his knees closer to his chest and rests his elbows on them, leaning his head back against the wall.
Hyesung nudges him gently with his shoulder. ‘Come on, Jinnie. You’ve been acting off for the past few days. And today’s practice was a disaster, frankly speaking.’
‘You don’t have to remind me.’
‘Since when do you forget the choreography, snap at the members and lash out at Andy?’
‘Are you going to keep rubbing this in my face, hyung, or -?’
‘I’m just worried about you. Talk to me, Jin.’
Junjin sighs. He cringes inwardly as he thinks back to earlier that afternoon.
~***~
It has been a few days since that little “incident” (for lack of a better term) between him and Andy, and he has been feeling nothing but jittery around the other man since then. Wreaked with nervousness and a kind of mind numbing terror, he has spent the past days torn between avoiding Andy like the plague and wanting to find out once and for all if Andy truly knows of Junjin’s feelings.
It is impossible to tell. Andy and that enigmatic mind of his are as readable as a doctor’s prescription scrawl, as Junjin likes to think of it.
It is not like Andy has been acting particularly different around Junjin since that day, either. He greets him with a smile every morning, does not hesitate to sit next to him during Shinhwa activities and meetings, and even spent the majority of one very drunk evening at the bar sprawled all over Junjin (a very tense and suddenly-sober Junjin) while giggling at a drunken Hyesung getting all touchy feely with Dongwan.
There is barely a hint to suggest that Andy feels uncomfortable around him, the little voice in his head tries to reassure him every so often.
But - he may be just imagining things considering the mental state he is in, but - Junjin can swear that sometimes, something is just not right in the way Andy looks at him now. Like a shadow that flits across his eyes so fast that no one can see it, Junjin can never quite put his finger on exactly what it is, but it is definitely there, boring into him through Andy’s piercing gaze. He thinks he catches glimpses of it every now and then, like when he tries to step away when Andy is too close to his liking and Andy notices what he is doing; or when his eyes helplessly wander over to Andy and Andy catches him staring; or when Junjin deliberately ignores Andy trying to get his attention and he knows that Andy knows that Junjin is ignoring him...
He does not know what that look in Andy’s eyes is supposed to mean. He does not know a single bloody thing about what Andy thinks of him now - or feels about him - and it drives him crazy, this not knowing.
What screws him over even more is the fear of knowing, of finding out, because if he does, what then? Where should he go from there?
It is nerve-wrecking, being this indecisive, strung up, fretful person that he has become - dreading group schedules because Andy is there, and then feeling relieved but wistful during solo/private time because Andy is not there ... Junjin has become a complete mess of a person, and he himself knows it.
This is what led to the disastrous practice session they had that day. Junjin’s mind had been elsewhere - mostly on the dancing individual behind him - and, to everyone’s surprise, he had made mistakes in literally every single choreography they went though. Even the ones they have bone-driven and perfected for more than a decade.
Two hours and Junjin’s seventeenth missed cue later, Minwoo had turned off the music and turned to him with a frown.
‘Jin, focus, will you.’
‘I’m trying, hyung, OK,’ Junjin had replied, his voice snappy from frustration.
‘No, you’re not,’ Minwoo retorted, eyes narrowed to slits. ‘T.O.P, Jin? You don’t make six mistakes in T. fucking O. P. after fifteen years of repeating that goddamn choreo, a’right! You’re a main dancer and you’re not concentrating, what’s even the point of rehearsing for a tour then?’
High tempers, stress and dissatisfaction on both sides - there had almost been a row before Eric quickly intervened (‘You, lighten up; we’re all nervous for the tour, OK. And you, go clear your head and get your act together’) and suggested they call it a day. They had stopped, agreed, and made up (sort of).
That is when the rest of the afternoon had gone to hell: Eric had led away Minwoo to sit and calm down when Dongwan and Andy had stepped up to Junjin. Dongwan gave him a one-armed squeeze and asked what was bothering him, but Junjin’s attention was focussed on Andy, who was right in front of him. Looking up with gentle concerned eyes, Andy had wordlessly raised a face towel and lightly pressed it against the side of Junjin’s face, wiping away the perspiration and it was all just so normal and sincere and earnestly affectionate and Junjin just...
Andy is the cause of all that has happened, the reason why Junjin has lost what feels like every last bit of reason and sensibility, and Junjin just ... he just ... he could not handle having Andy there right then, in his personal space, taunting him with those caring eyes and adding fuel to the fires burning underneath his heated skin.
‘Don’t!’ Junjin’s voice, louder than he realised, had rung through the practice room and everyone had seen how he snapped his head away, placed his hand on Andy’s chest and pushed him back. ‘Don’t touch me!’
Andy had stared, mouth slightly open and his hand still raised up, the towel hanging limply from his fingers.
‘What’s wrong -?’
‘I said don’t. I can take care of myself, a’right,’ Junjin had snapped, stepping away from Andy’s reaching fingers, and a heavy silence fell over the room. No one moved a muscle.
What happened afterwards is all a blur to Junjin. He now only remembers the look in Andy’s eyes - shock and bewilderment, and then finally hurt - and how the younger man had turned his back on him and walked away, while Dongwan and Hyesung hastily raised the call that everyone should just go home and rest before the next practice. Junjin had stood there, unable to move as it had slowly dawned on him what he had just done, and when he desperately sought Andy again, the last thing he had seen was the cold look - laced with hurt, anger and something poisonous - Andy had thrown at him over his shoulder before he stormed out of the room.
The rest of the members and their dance team had slowly followed Andy out. Minwoo had shaken his head at Junjin and sighed, ‘Dude, that was not cool,’ on his way out, and Eric had given his shoulder a brief squeeze (which, in Eric language, meant that he should pull himself together) and a probing look (I’m here if you want to talk about it). Junjin had waited till everyone left before walking over to the mirrored wall and collapsing against it, resigning himself to a lonely afternoon filled with self-hatred and remorse...
...until Hyesung had come barging back in, nagging Mother-Bird-mode “ON” and demanding answers for his behaviour.
~***~
Hyesung nudges him now once more, prompting him to answer. ‘Jin ...? Please? I understand if you’d rather not talk about it, but ...’
Junjin leans his head back against the mirror, sighing heavily. Even if he was willing to talk about it, what the hell is he supposed to say? I think I have blatantly non-brotherly feelings and patently unwholesome thoughts about one of our members who is also a guy? And I’m afraid he suspects me? Junjin does not think any of his brothers will condemn him or anything, but something like this ... this is not a simple walk in the park.
‘Choongjae-yah -’
‘Hyung,’ Junjin interrupts, suddenly gripped by a thought. ‘How do you feel about Eric hyung?’
Hyesung gapes at him with wide eyes for several seconds, taken aback. ‘Well, that was unexpected,’ he finally mutters. ‘What do you mean?’
‘I mean,’ Junjin waves a hand limply, ‘what do you think about fans putting you with Eric hyung as a couple? How do you actually feel about him, in that context?’
Hyesung still looks surprised. ‘Er, well ... you know I don’t really like it much, the whole couple thing. Fans enjoy it, so we ... but I don’t particularly want to endorse the whole thing. But Eric - that bastard - has way too much fun with it,’ he adds, rolling his eyes. ‘I swear he keeps doing it just to piss me off.’
Junjin nods; he already knows this. ‘But it’s not like you actually hate him or anything.’
Hyesung smiles wryly. ‘No, I don’t. Mun JungHyuk is a creepy idiot from another planet I’d like to keep my distance from’ - Junjin stifles a chortle - ‘but he’s a good guy and we’ve been friends half of our lives and, well ... I do love him like a brother. Don’t ever tell him I said that, though. He’ll never stop rubbing it in my face,’ says Hyesung in a mock-irritated voice, which is invalidated by the look of fond amusement in his eyes.
Junjin smiles before growing serious. ‘I see. But ... hyung, can I ask you a hypothetical question?’ Before Hyesung can answer, he barrels on nervously, ‘If Eric hyung liked you for real, how would you answer him?’
‘I’m sorry, but what.’ Hyesung gives Junjin a look that suggests that the latter has just suddenly sprouted antennae. ‘Jinnie, you’re not serious?’
‘It - it doesn’t have to be Eric hyung. Just ... any of the members. Dongwan hyung, Minwoo hyung ... a guy ... if they suddenly said they liked you...’ Junjin trails off helplessly, cheeks burning with embarrassment and shame.
Hyesung is speechless for several moments. ‘I ... don’t know. I don’t really swing that way. And honestly, I don’t think Eric or any of the others do too, either...’ He pauses, frowning, before the light of comprehension suddenly dawns in his eyes. ‘Wait ... Choongjae-yah ... don’t tell me you -’
Junjin is just about to high tail it out of the room - because he is not quite ready for this turn in their conversation - but immediately freezes when the door of the practice room opens and two people walk inside.
‘Oh, you’re still here?’ Eric blinks at the two huddling figures by the mirrored wall. From behind him, a shorter familiar figure steps out.
Junjin wishes he could fade out of existence on the spot. Of all places and times, just why now?
‘We were just talking,’ replies Hyesung quickly, glancing anxiously at Junjin. ‘How come you’re back?’
‘Andy said he left his watch behind.’
Junjin focuses his gaze on the ground as Andy walks further in to the room. He tries to ignore the heat around his collar as, out of his peripheral vision, he sees Andy’s white sneakers coming closer and closer to him. His breath catches in his throat and he laces his fingers together nervously when Andy arrives right in front of him, but Andy continues onwards, walking right past Junjin till he reaches the corner of the room where he had previously placed his belongings.
‘Oh. Found it.’
‘Told you it’d be there,’ Eric shrugs, before looking contemplatively at the silent duo sitting against the mirrored wall. Hyesung meets his eyes and shakes his head a little, and Eric understands immediately. He nods.
‘Shall we leave then?’ he says to Andy light heartedly and Junjin, still looking at anywhere but him, prays that he will just go away with Eric quickly.
...As if.
Andy pauses, his white sneakers just barely intruding upon Junjin’s line of vision, and there is silence for a moment. The latter can almost hear his heart speeding up, the rush of blood pounding in his ears; he feels heavy, like he is being forced down by some substantial force, and he just knows that Andy’s eyes are boring into him right now.
‘Actually ... I think I’ll stay a while, hyung. There’s something I need to take care of.’
Eric frowns and Hyesung looks about to protest, but Andy silences them with a look. ‘A bit of privacy, please, hyungs?’
They waver for a moment, but then Eric agrees. Hyesung hesitates, looking worriedly down at his frozen dongsaeng, but then Junjin suddenly stands up, mouth set in a line. He wordlessly makes to follow Hyesung out of the room, but Andy’s quiet steely voice halts him,
‘Not you, Choongjae. Them.’
In that moment, Junjin thinks that he would have given anything for some divinely force to come and rescue him right then. Hyesung stops again, his face anxious, but Eric walks forward to lightly grab him by the wrist and pull him along. The sound of the door snapping shut behind them rings with some sort of finality and Junjin feels like he has been locked in the lion’s den, with one particularly angry lion ready to devour him.
He is suddenly hyper aware of Andy standing behind him, eyes burning a hole through the back of his skull and - this is ridiculous, everything about how he is feeling right now is ridiculous - but he is afraid to turn around and face Andy’s wrath. He is afraid that Andy will rip down all his layers of protection and facades to reveal his true self, his true feelings.
He is afraid to see the look of disgust and repulsion on Andy’s face if that were to ever happen.
‘...Well? Are you going to turn around or should I just talk to your back?’
Junjin exhales. Andy is angry, really angry.
He reluctantly turns around only to be faced with the other man’s fiery eyes barely a foot away. With a sharp intake of breath, Junjin automatically recoils, trying to put more distance between their bodies, and he swears that Andy’s eyes practically spit fire at his action.
‘What the fuck is your problem?’
Scratch what he thought before. Andy is not angry, he is goddamn livid.
It is not unusual for Andy to curse at his hyungs, but this is the first time he has sworn at Junjin with so much poison. The look in his eyes is the same one he shot at Junjin before leaving the practice room hours ago, but more furious ... more hurt.
‘Andy -’ Junjin begins, with no idea what to say, and inadvertently takes another step away from him, but Andy grabs him by the arm. With a sharp tug, he pulls Junjin back so they are standing nose to nose, Andy glaring up at him from inches away. His hot breath fans over Junjin’s lips and the latter feels his mouth tingling, from a sudden inappropriate memory of how Andy’s lips feel like...
He is jerked back to the present by Andy’s next words, ‘If you have a problem with me, just come right out and say it to my face, Jin.’
‘Damn it, Andy, let go. This has nothing to do with you,’ Junjin snaps, growing defensive. He tries to twist his arm free, but - damn - he keeps forgetting how strong Andy can be, especially now when his strength is driven by ire.
‘Like hell it doesn’t! Do you think I haven’t noticed how you’ve been acting around me for the past several days?’
Junjin stops dead and Andy loosens his grip a little.
‘You avoid me, you won’t look at me, and you barely talk to me, you’re afraid to stand within a fucking ten foot radius of me - do you think I’m blind?’
The tension in the room thickens in the silence that follows and Junjin feels himself shrinking under Andy’s judging gaze. The fingers around his arm tighten, refusing to let go.
Then finally, ‘...please, Sunho ... I can’t do this right now.’
Andy’s expression softens just a hint, but the hurt in his eyes is more prominent now, more intense. ‘No, Jin ... I’m tired of this. The way you’ve been acting these days and ... I tried, you know? I tried to be normal around you, I’ve been trying to talk and approach you, but you just keep ...’ Andy makes a noise that sounds like a cross between a sigh and a growl. ‘This is not going to solve itself if you won’t talk to me.’
‘I ...’ He is not ready for this. This confrontation is happening too soon, too fast. There are so many things he has not come to grasp yet. ‘Not now,’ Junjin finally says, his voice firm and as steely as Andy’s.
‘Not ever, you mean,’ Andy says quietly, his voice accusing. ‘You’re running away again, just like you’ve been avoiding me all this time.’
‘Look I told you it’s not your problem!’
‘And I’m calling you out on your bullshit!’
‘I just don’t want to talk about this. Why can’t you let it go already?!’
‘Because this is affecting not only you, but me and the rest of our team, and it was always our agreement that we’ll talk or fight out our problems and this thing right now is a fucking huge problem! Or is what happened today not proof enough of that?’
‘Then why don’t you punch me and get it over with!’ Junjin snarls, leaning forward threateningly.
‘Oh, Lord, help me -’ and, in that moment, Andy actually does pull his fist back and for a second, Junjin expects a winding blow to his gut, but it never comes.
They glare at each other, faces bare inches apart and both breathing harshly, and it is in that moment that Junjin realises how close to Andy he has come in their quarrel. The fire in his eyes die and he makes to quickly back away from the other man, but the fist Andy has pulled back comes forward to wrap around his neck, stopping him.
‘There you go again.’ Andy’s voice is soft this time. ‘Trying to run away...’
Junjin cannot answer, but only focuses on his beating heart which he thinks Andy will be able to hear, they are too close.
‘You never tried to push me away, Jin. Perhaps we’re not as close as you are with Hyesung hyung or ... whatever, but you’ve never been this distant.’
Junjin looks away from Andy’s probing eyes, instead focussing on the corner of his downturned mouth. He can feel his stomach transforming into that crazy bat cave again and that is all he needs to pull away from Andy, ripping his arm and neck free.
‘I have things to do,’ he says shortly, turning away.
Andy stares at him, jaw dropped. ‘Are you seriously ... GODDAMN IT, PARK CHOONGJAE!’
‘JUST DROP IT ALREADY!’
‘All I’m asking is for one answer and you freakin’ owe me this after how you’ve been treating me all this tim-!’
Something breaks inside Junjin. A mixture of anger, frustration, shame, self-hatred and the feelings he have for Andy - they all seem to come together, clashing like tidal waves in his heart, and he whips around furiously and grabs Andy by the waist and almost - almost - kisses him right then and there - How is that for an answer, Lee Sunho - but he catches himself at the last moment, one hand cupping Andy’s face and his lips just ever-so-slightly brushing against Andy’s mouth and -
There it goes. Shit hits the fan.
Because if Andy has not been suspicious of Junjin’s feelings towards him before, there is no way in Hell he can miss it now.
Andy looks up at him with wide eyes, piercing gaze boring into Junjin’s, and Junjin is at a loss for what to do, still holding Andy against him, his palm burning against Andy’s cheek and his lips still parted in their previous invitation, ghosting against Andy’s mouth...
Then finally,
‘... Jin ... do ... you like me...?’
~tbc~
A/N: I feel like I need to explain why I write Andy like this. I know not many people portray him that way.
I've come across Shinhwa members commenting several times that Andy cusses them out a lot, he playfully bullies them (this I've seen myself in videos/gifs etc LOL it's funny), he beats them up and is a lot stronger and tougher than most people think. (He's actually very strong. Watch last year's Invincible Youth episode's wrestling segment, guys :D)
I know it's very different from Andy's public dandy-shy-guy-cute-guy image, but I've seen these moments/heard the members remarking about this so many times, that I imagine Andy to be a really kindhearted guy with a subtle evil-maknae side - and also the type of person who does not take bullshit from anyone. If provoked enough, I imagine him to be someone that will tackle the problem head on. Andy himself mentioned on a show that if there is trouble between himself and the members, he is usually the first one to bring it up with them.
I hope that kind of explains Andy's actions in this chapter. ^^
PART FOUR