Fic: The Kirk Syndrome (Valentines #8)
Title: The Kirk Syndrome
Rating: PG
Summary: "Oh, for cryin' out loud! Who gets married by cake?"
Season: One
Related SG-1 Episode(s): 108 Brief Candle
Featured Character(s): Jack, Sam, Daniel, Teal'c
Pairing(s): Sam/Jack
A/N: We all know what the fishing thing is about, but has anyone guessed the true significance of the cake thing? Eighth in the increasingly inaccurately-named 'Valentines' series - which headed off AU when I wasn't looking.
Series: Intruder Alert / Sweet, Cute, Tacky / Days Of Wine And Roses / Unprofessional / Etiquette / Four's Company / The Wrong Man / The Kirk Syndrome / White. Silk. Underwear. / Slow Evolution / Settling In / Necking
---
The members of SG-1 sat beside the fountain, discussing the civilization they'd found on Argos, and watching the celebrations unfold around the new mother and child. The baby that Sam and Daniel had just helped to deliver was being passed from arm to arm, with everyone cooing over him. The Argosians were a friendly people. Sam watched as a young woman eyed Jack, giving him a seductive smile as she rocked the baby in her arms. Sam's eyes narrowed. Maybe a bit too friendly.
"Do things feel a little... off here?" asked Jack, suspiciously.
Sam was about to agree heartily - the mother had just given birth, for heaven's sake, and she was up and around as though it had been merely a minor nuisance. Daniel butted in before she could make her observations. "Are you crazy?" he asked incredulously. "It's a paradise!"
Jack gave him a sideways look. "Sure, have an apple, what could happen?"
Sam smiled to herself. At least her commanding officer wasn't taken in by the beauty all around him. Speaking of which... the young woman slinked across the little square, headed straight for Jack. She held out a dish to him, completely ignoring the other members of the team. "I am Kynthia. Welcome to our village."
Jack smiled at her. Sam's eyes narrowed further - she was already aware of his weakness for cake. "Thank you. Jack O'Neill." He reached for a piece of cake, and bit into it. His eyes widened with pleasure.
"Is it pleasing?" asked Kynthia.
"Very," said Jack, through a mouthful. He crammed the rest of the piece into his mouth, in typical Jack O'Neill fashion, and reached for a second piece. Suddenly, either remembering the manners his mother had tried to teach him, or feeling the glare Sam was giving him, he turned to her. "Uh, you should have some," he said, his expression conciliatory.
Sam opened her mouth, but Kynthia beat her to it. "It is only for you," she told Jack, firmly.
Sam's mouth snapped shut, and she glared at the young woman. She'd been about to refuse anyway, but that was just... rude.
"Only for me?" asked Jack, weakly, and took the dish she proffered. His eyes flicked to Sam, and back to Kynthia. "Um, thanks."
Kynthia departed, and Sam huffed in annoyance.
"'It is only for you,'" Daniel teased.
"I think you have a fan, Colonel," said Sam, smiling through her teeth. Jack opened his mouth to protest.
I believe this woman wishes to spend time with O'Neill," added Teal'c. Jack shot him a glare.
"Thank you, Teal'c," he grumbled. He shrugged apologetically at Sam, who rolled her eyes, and forgave him. She couldn't really blame the girl. He was very attractive, after all. Kynthia had good taste.
And a really stupid name.
Sam listened with half an ear whilst Daniel expounded on the archaeological attractions, watching disbelievingly as the colonel rapidly scarfed the entire cake. Anyone would think he was starved at home. Then he started to admire his reflection in the dish. Sam frowned as he leaned heavily against her. He was acting odd, all of a sudden...
"These people are obviously not laborers," Teal'c was saying. "I must wonder why a Goa'uld would bring them to this planet. Perhaps it was a good Goa'uld."
Jack burst out laughing, and the rest of SG-1 stared incredulously at him. "Right!" he said, through the last mouthful of cake. "Like there is such a thing!"
Teal'c looked hurt. "I did not intend for my statement to be humorous," he said, somewhat irritably.
Jack chuckled - drunkenly? Sam was starting to get a bad feeling about this. "Trust me, it wasn't," he said. There was a definite slur to his words by now. He leaned more heavily against Sam, and turned to look at her. His eyes widened, and he smirked at her. "Hey, Sam," he said, his breath warm and cake-scented against her cheek. "Wanna go somewhere and... fraternize?" He waggled his eyebrows at her. Sam's jaw dropped, and she stared at him in shock.
"Uh, Jack..." said Daniel, realizing something was seriously up with their fearless leader. "You okay?"
Jack ignored him. "Whaddya say, Cap'n Sam?" He leaned closer, and Sam grabbed his arms in alarm, pushing him back before he could kiss her.
She refused to acknowledge the tiny part of her that said 'Yes!' Now was not the time - dammit.
"He's been drugged, Daniel," she snapped. "Probably that damn cake. Teal'c, gimme a hand." The colonel was being... very persistent.
Before Teal'c could move, two women in diaphanous robes had slipped amongst the team, and tried to grab the colonel. His drunken brown eyes turned to them. "Hey, girls..." he slurred. Daniel stepped between them and Jack.
"Uh, ladies, may I have a word?" he asked, holding out his hands and talking fast but politely. "Um, my friend here seems to be acting oddly, or more oddly than usual, which is... unusual, and I was wondering if there is some special ingredient or significance to the cake that your friend, uh, Kynthia, gave him?"
The two women stopped, baffled. "Do you not know of the Marriage Cake?" asked one of them, blankly. Daniel sucked in a breath, and Sam and Teal'c exchanged wide-eyed looks over the colonel's head.
"M-marriage Cake?"
"Screw that!" said Sam, stridently. "Teal'c, take - sir, get off!" If she'd given it a thought - which officially she was denying - she would have thought that having him try to kiss her would have been quite an enjoyable experience. Not so much, it turned out. "Teal'c, take the colonel back to the Gate. We're getting him back to the infirmary, right now."
The colonel was trying to make it known that he didn't want to go home. He was having a good time right here, thank you very much. Sam studiously ignored him.
By this time, Kynthia had arrived, in a ludicrous get-up with extended butterfly wings on sticks. Sam shot her a death glare, but stayed silent, leaving Daniel to do the talking. Her diplomatic skills probably wouldn't be quite so... diplomatic, at the moment. "What is the problem?" inquired Kynthia. "Why will these people not allow my husband to come to me?"
Daniel took off his glasses and pinched his nose, closing his eyes. It was a move he tended to use when Jack was being particularly obtuse, and Sam had mentally labeled it 'Stressed Academic'. "Uh, Kynthia... why did you give Jack the Marriage Cake?"
Kynthia looked baffled. "Because I wished to marry him," she said, simply. She seemed to think that was explanation enough. "Why will your friends not release him?"
"Uh, well, Kynthia, where we come from, the customs for marriages are a little different," Daniel equivocated. "People take time to get to know one another... usually... and marriage is a big responsibility. My friend didn't understand that by accepting this cake he would be," he swallowed, "marrying you. We need to get him back to our world for a while, whilst we sort out this... mess."
Kynthia's butterfly wings had drooped. "He did not wish to marry me?" she whispered, tearfully.
"I'm sorry, Kynthia," said Daniel, gently. Apparently he didn't want to upset her. Sam wasn't feeling so generous, herself. Teal'c had twisted the colonel's arms behind his back in order to get him to keep his hands off his 2IC. "Jack didn't understand the customs of your people. He had no intention of hurting your feelings."
Kynthia burst into tears, and Daniel winced. She turned and fled for the nearest hut, closely followed by her two assistants. Daniel sighed, and turned back to Jack, who was eyeing Sam with an openly lascivious expression. "How to win friends and influence people, the Jack O'Neill way," he remarked.
"Captain Carter," said Teal'c, as he struggled with the uncooperative colonel, "perhaps it would not be a good idea to return O'Neill to the SGC in this state."
The colonel mumbled something, from which Sam only caught the words "595" and "mole". She felt herself go pale. Why, oh, why must he always bring that mission up? He was obsessed! "You might be right," she agreed, fervently, imagining the scene in the Gateroom. "But we don't know how long he'll be like this."
Daniel looked around, and caught sight of Alekos. He waved the man over. Alekos came, eager to help his new-found friends. "Is there something wrong?"
"Alekos," said Daniel, "this, uh, Marriage Cake - how long do the, um, the..." he glanced sideways at Jack, "the symptoms last?"
Alekos looked surprised. "An hour or so," he said, and SG-1 breathed a collective sigh of relief. "Is there a problem? Will he not be going to the marriage bed with Kynthia?"
The colonel's head swiveled sharply at that. "Kynthia? Pah," he slurred. "Goin' with Sam. Ain't that right, babydoll? Let us eat cake!"
Babydoll? "Colonel, shut up!" said Sam through her teeth. She resisted the impulse to kick him in the shins.
"No," said Daniel, quickly and definitely. "He won't be going with Kynthia. Or - or Sam. Um, it was an unfortunate mix-up - Jack didn't understand the significance of the cake. He thought it was just a... snack."
Alekos raised his eyebrows. "Oh, I am sorry," he said, sincerely. "I would have liked to have closer links between our peoples."
"Uh, yeah," said Daniel, vaguely. "Anyway, we'll just be," he waved back towards the temple, "going. For a while."
"We'll stay around the temple until this wears off," said Sam, decisively. "That way, if there's any further problems with the colonel, we can zip straight back to the infirmary. We'll be back later, Alekos."
Alekos looked dubiously at the sun, now low in the sky, but shrugged good-naturedly. "As you wish," was all he said.
---
When the colonel finally sobered up, his reaction was all they could have wanted. "MARRIAGE CAKE?"
They had left him to sleep it off in an alcove of the temple for a couple of hours, after ensuring he couldn't do any harm. "Yes," said Daniel, sounding distinctly gleeful. "Apparently Kynthia is the second Mrs. O'Neill."
Jack glared at his team. "Please tell me you're joking." They were openly smirking at him by now. "Oh, for cryin' out loud! Who gets married by cake?"
"That would be you, sir," said Sam, dryly. He shot her a glare. "Apparently it was drugged."
"Yeah, I figured that out," grumbled the colonel.
"With an aphrodisiac," added Teal'c, for good measure.
"Actually, if you think about it, there are a lot of religious ceremonies on Earth that are celebrated with food or drink," said Daniel. He was finding the Argosian culture fascinating - naturally. "I mean, think of the - the Eucharist, for inst-"
Jack's ire rose, and he interrupted what promised to be a lengthy monologue. "This is your fault!" he yelled at Daniel.
"Me! What did I do?"
"You didn't stop me!" His own loudness made him wince, and he slumped back down. "Oy, what a hangover." Sam cut through the plastic bindings on his wrist with her knife, allowing him to put his hands over his face. "Gah... I was really hoping not to have to do the divorce thing again. It's just not as fun as you might think." Then he froze, hands still over his face. "What else did I do?" he asked, his voice muffled but the quiet panic still evident. Sam and Daniel exchanged looks, silently debating whether to tease him any more. Jack took their silence badly, and sat up quickly, looking around as if to find the evidence. "Why were my hands tied?" He looked down. "Why are my legs tied?" he asked, voice rising slightly.
Sam sliced through the bonds holding his ankles together, and Daniel and Teal'c took the opportunity to scamper, leaving her to answer the colonel's questions. Sam glared at their retreating back. "Chickens!" she yelled after them. She turned back in time to catch his wince. "Oops," she said - but couldn't help feeling he deserved it, at least a little. She held out a canteen. He didn't take it, staring at her and waiting for her answer. "You were a little... unruly," she explained delicately. "The ties were just easier. We figured you'd rather be safe than... horribly embarrassed." Although that was probably a given, anyhow, what with the new wife and all. Hammond was going to have a fit.
He stared silently at her for a long, thoughtful moment. "I don't remember much," he said slowly, "but I do remember feeling very..." He stopped abruptly, and blushed. So did Sam.
"It was like dealing with a drunk," she assured him. "Nothing terrible." She grinned at him. "You were just... friendly. Very, very, very friendly... babydoll." Jack groaned, and dropped his head on his knees, cursing. He wrapped his arms around his head. Sam patted his shoulder consolingly. "At least you didn't go off with that woman."
Jack peered out from the shelter of this arms. "I hardly even remember her," he confessed. "Was she... did she... *try* anything? I have this memory of a kind of floaty dress thing with... really long arms. Or was that a hallucination?"
"That was real enough," said Sam, grimly. "She tried to come and claim her new husband." Jack grimaced. "Daniel headed her off at the pass."
"Thank god."
"Mmm," agreed Sam. "You didn't seem interested in her, anyhow."
The colonel's dark eyes studied her. "No," he said, eventually. "That I remember. I wasn't interested in her."
Sam hoped she wasn't blushing as much as she suspected. From the emphasis, she knew he'd recalled who he had been interested in. Typical. Well, thank god they had some lovely alien drugs they could blame it on. She hadn't lied on report yet - not even about that humiliating time that she'd drunk the stuff that made her take off all her clothes, or their moment in the locker room when she'd caught the Touched virus - and didn't want to start now. "I'll make you a deal, sir," she offered. "I'll forget Argos if you'll forget P3X 595." He buried his head again, gave a pitiful groan, and attempted to curl up into a small, hungover ball of embarrassment. She set the canteen down beside him, and rose to her feet. "We'll be by the statue," she said. "The sun has set, but Daniel was hoping to head back to town, to talk to Alekos a bit more. If that's okay with you, sir?"
Jack waved a hand at her to leave him alone. But his voice called out plaintively as she left the alcove.
"Tell Daniel to bring me back some Divorce Doughnuts."
---
A couple of days later and they were home, having solved the riddle of the idyllic Argosian existence. "They're kinda like mayflies," Jack summed up in the debrief. Everyone gave him a funny look. "What? They are."
"Do we expect any side-effects from the drug you were given?" asked General Hammond.
Jack shook his head, looking pained. "No, sir."
"It was a fairly weak recreational drug," said Daniel, going into lecture mode. "An aphrodisiac, used by the Argosians to celebrate weddings - with a very short-term effect. The Argosians view the time spent under the drug's influence as sort of the - the honeymoon period, if you will. Much of the Argosian way of life, in fact, is built around the short-term. Now we've destroyed the transmitter that controls the nanites, it'll be a big change for them. They'll have to deal with the responsibilities of a much longer lifespan - their whole way of life will have to change. But now they literally have a whole world of opportunities open to them."
Hammond nodded. "And the colonel's wife?"
Sam hoped her wince went unnoticed. It probably did, because everyone turned to look at the colonel - who scowled.
"Uh, we're actually okay on that score," said Daniel, brightly. "As the marriage was... unconsummated, Argosian custom and by extension Argosian law - as they have no actual written laws - say that it's annulled. In effect, the wedding never really happened."
"For which I am truly thankful," said Jack.
Hammond nodded. "I imagine you are, Colonel," he said, blandly. Jack gave him a suspicious look. Sam wondered if the general was laughing at Jack. If he was, he was very good at hiding it. "Okay, people. Well done. You're dismissed."
Hammond retreated to his office. Daniel started to gather up his papers. "I'm going to go finish these translations from Pelops' temple," he said, already half distracted. "Their history must be fascinating. Teal'c, are you free to give me a hand with some of the translations?"
"I am," Teal'c nodded. Daniel was already asking him questions about the language as they headed out the door.
"I'm going to take a look at the information we gathered on the nanites, before the samples were destroyed," Sam said enthusiastically, still looking through the scans she'd brought to the debrief. "It's fascinating - the work on nanotechnology I was involved in when I was at the Pentagon never reached this level of-"
"Fun though that sounds," interrupted Jack, "I have to... go stare blankly at some reports. I'll see you later." Although he didn't grin, his eyes were twinkling mischievously when she looked up at him. "Meet you in the commissary at 1600?" he suggested. "For cake?"
"Sure, sir," she said distractedly, already going back to the nanite scans. She froze as his words registered, and stared up at his quickly-retreating back.
Cake?
Did he just...?
Naaaaaaaaah.
---
TBC